Mar 272010

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:37 Could probably pass as a member of Rise Against. #
  • 14:42 Henry & Chooch are across the playground, leaving me alone to look like a pedo-creeper in ridiculously large shades & bloody hair flower. #
  • 15:09 Babies are essentially mutes until they become unmuted & join the human race. If you have any more questions, come to my symposium. #
  • 15:20 I’m still at Brookline Park if anyone feels like getting on their horse to rescue me. #
  • 15:27 There is the biggest ho of an 11yo here. (Had to ask expert child-ogler Henry her age.) Bet she got pregnant yesterday. #
  • 16:31 At Bado’s for dinner, hoping Chooch doesn’t act bad-o. OH! #
  • 17:08 Me, after refusing to eat my salad: Im a salad snob; I can’t help it. Henry: Youre just a snob in general. #
  • 17:58 Designing a product label for Chooch. “Instant Asshole, just add sugar.” #
  • ***
  • 00:10 Bitch and cry on Facebook and Twitter, everyone, THAT’LL SHOW THE GOV’T!! #
  • 00:21 Your beef may be with Obama, but MINE is still with “God” for only “creating” 2 genders. I want at least a third option. #
  • 00:32 My mom tried to pull a While You Were Out on me once. I’ve been waiting 7 years for her to finish it. #
  • 10:26 Monday’s like the wad of cum left to wipe up after Saturday & Sunday have sex. #
  • 10:27 I’m going to start my own fortune company. Chinese dinners are about to get vagynafondued. #
  • 11:49 It’s not a successful ab workout wi thout some puke involved. #
  • 13:02 Everytime cancer touches someone I know I want to sucker punch my ex-bff for saying she wished she’d get cancer & die. Boo hoo, emo bitch. #
  • 13:06 Somehow Kevin Smith brought up abortions on @nhllive. Almost makes me like him. Then he started his fat rant & I’m back to being annoyed. #
  • 17:25 I sit in the car until the very last possible second. I’ll be damned if this company gets free work from me. #
  • 17:53 Current job status: about to be unemployed again this week. Henry’s gonna have a fun time doing my taxes next year. #
  • 19:35 Suck a cock, #redwings fans. #
  • 20:31 My boss brought in frownies for our last night. :(. #
  • 23:24 I’m glad I had the foresight to buy myself presents while still gainfully employed. #
  • ***
  • 01:31 It’s almost time to dust off #thingieball! I wish THAT could be my job. #
  • 11:30 I hate Peeps. I hate Italian ice. I think maybe that means I might probably hate Peeps-flavored Italian ice. Won’t be testing this theory. #
  • 11:59 The worst part of Steve Irwin dying is his asshole daughter being handed fame on a platter. Bindi Irwin: Australia’s Miley Cyrus. #
  • 16:42 I wish more musicians were as genuine as @craigeryowens. #
  • 20:10 My salad tastes like a haunted house. Mmm, fog machines, chainsaw fumes & the stench of scared teen girls. #
  • 20:29 I like watching Celebrity Apprentice because it makes me feel less inferior as a person. But I can get that from watching Henry, too. #
  • ***
  • 00:56 Hay laundry boy @awoodhick: way to not wash the pink blanket again. You are always letting me down!!! #
  • 09:02 I’m really kicking myself for not joining the Milledgeville police force back when I got that invitation 2 yrs ago. #
  • 09:08 Who wants to dye eggie-eggs with me this weekend? #
  • 09:43 Three years ago, my first ever tweet informed my 0 followers that I had just changed my tampon. Life was simpler then. #
  • 09:58 2 yrs ago I had a heckle-filled post abt a Cleveland roller derby team. My blog stats show it being viewed a lot today by Clevelanders. WHY? #
  • 10:03 Oh OK, I see now. Someone on their team found it, posted it on Facebook, & it’s spreading like wildfire. Preparing to get jumped now, thx. #
  • 10:13 Practicing roundhouses on my child. I mean, flour sacks. Practicing on flour sacks. #
  • 12:38 Ask me anything #
  • 13:50 I really pissed off the wrong people this time!!! Make sure lots of Cure is played at my funeral, will ya? #
  • 15:29 I was just interviewed by a burgundy-haired Tea Leoni. She made me feel comforted. #
  • 15:34 Henry, regarding my present fear of an ass beating: “it’s not your ‘stupid blog,’ it’s YOU.” #
  • 18:33 Well. At least having no job means I can watch the #penscaps game tonight. #
  • 19:42 God, these #penscaps games raise my blood pressure. One period played & my throat is already raw from screaming like an asshole. #
  • 20:26 That was like watching a How To Score a Goal 101 video, thanks Guerin! #letsgopens #
  • 21:23 Oh thank you, Staal! These games make me feel like I’m waiting for the dentist to start the root canal. #letsgopens #NHL #
  • 21:36 Oh my heart. It’s like the #pens are my sons & I’m watching them ride their bikes w/o training wheels for the 1st time. #nhl #
  • ***
  • 09:40 I might have a job with Pittsburgh’s largest law firm. Can’t wait to meet a rich I mean nice lawyer & kick Henry t o the curb. #
  • 13:34 I like Life Unexpected but I HATE the theme song. & Lux. I hate every scene w/ Lux. I’d send her whiny ass back to the orphanage. #
  • 13:57 Fou nd in an old journal, 3-8-03: I can’t wait to be Henry’s wife. I hope it happens soon! (AHAHAHAHAHAHAH how naive of me) #
  • 14:17 Chooch thinks a grilled cheese is a cheese sandwich that’s melted in the microwave. I may have had something to do with that. #
  • 17:44 I wish my job was sitting in an arm chair on a stage, reading from my journal collection. Henry said “don’t u pretty much do that already?” #
  • 21:41 Got the car stuck in mud. I’ll never hear the end of this one. #
  • 21:51 That was fun, watching Henry blow blood vessels in his head as he pushed the car while I floored it. He keeps saying YOURE LUCKY. #
  • 21:53 He just spilled Chooch’s chocolate milk. Thursday night vs Henry is turning out to be an exciting match-up. #
  • 22:33 Previews for the girl-girl storyline on 90210 made Henry smirk, then frown. HENRY HATES GAYS. #
  • ***
  • 12:16 I have never been this nervous for an interview. Just drank some regurgitated veggie sausage juice. #
  • 14:04 Pretty sure all I wanted for my 4th bday was crayons, maybe my mother’s love. Chooch? He wants a laptop & an iPhone. #
  • 14:16 Friends, don’t seek reassurance from my son. Just asked him if he thinks the ppl at law firm will like me. “No. They won’t.” No hesitation! #
  • 15:53 Um. I couldn’t even figure out how to open the door to the office. Great start!!!!! #
  • 16:38 That might have been the best interview ever. They have a table full of candy in pretty bowls. And not the dumb kind of candy, either! #
  • 17:49 I’m about to start calling up successful people I grew up with & saying, “Remember when you sunk my battleship in ’86? Yeah? Gimme a job.” #
  • 17:51 Yelled at Chooch for leaving a stinky fart after which he had the audacity to tell me, “Oh well. Then go outside or sumpin’.” #
  • 19:19 Watching Chooch count blocks, I reminded him that he always forgets 7. “Yeah,” he said, “because I don’t NEED seven.” Schooled as usual. #
  • 19:43 Randomly flashbacked to when I got the staples removed from my C-section incision &, even after 4 years, almost passed out. #
  • 21:53 Walmart’s loss prevention: reuniting Henry with his son Blake. Touching, like a Folgers commercial. #
  • 21:59 Well like I always say: if you’re gonna get caught stealing, it better have been something worthwhile. Like K-Y. #
  • ***
  • 11:25 Jackie Warner just made me puke up my Special K. Losing weight is easy! #
  • 13:19 I’m always half-expecting to walk into Chooch’s room and catch him with our cat Nicotina, mid-evisceration. #
  • 13:25 I miss Rob Scuderi. #pens #NHL #
  • 13:44 Thank you, Kunitz. My neighbors thank you too. They love hearing my big fucking mouth. #pens #
  • 14:15 Pratfall by Hartnell, followed by a Dupuis goal – I lov e when we play the Flyers! #letsgopens #

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  2 Responses to “Tweets: Losing Jobs, Watching Hockey”

  1. What did you think of Bados? I’ve never been there.
    I often think about walking down to brookline park, but I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to walk back up brookline blvd and would have to set up camp and live down among the blvd folk. And then who would feed the dogs? I’d lose my job, become a legendary neighborhood derelict, etc.

    It would only end in heartbreak.

    Also, have you been to the new(ish) coffee place on the boulevard? I think the owner might be a G-A-Y, but I haven’t ventured in yet.

    • Bado’s is tricky. I would probably like it much more if I drank beer because they seem to have an extensive selection. The service has been great every time I’ve been there, but the food is inconsistent. Their pizza is good and is probably the safest bet. It’s worth a visit!

      Brookline Park is good for people-watching, you should go sometime!

      I haven’t been to the new coffee place yet but I want to to check it out. I saw that they’re excepting local art work!

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