Our Thanksgiving roadtrip to Branson, Missouri has started out pretty clunky. First of all, we almost didn’t go. We were initially going to leave Friday evening after Henry came home from work, but he ended up HURTING HIS BACK that morning at work, bad enough that he actually admitted it – usually he just swallows pain and conveniently manages to not mention injuries whereas I’m broadcasting mine all over social media and shouting it from the hilltops.
I mean, I was compassionate for.000006 seconds before diving into my self-centered whine-fest and sobbing, “So we’re not going now???!!” Finally though, he came home and said, “Look—let me lay down with the heating pad, drink this bottle of Ibuprofen*, rest, and we’ll just leave early in the morning.”
*(Did you know I can’t say this word out loud in real life?)
So that’s the truncated version of how I got my way and now we’re en route to Branson after having to turn around two miles from home because Irresponsible Son didn’t bring a coat.
We’re not going to Florida, sonny boy.
I was so mad at him! I hate wasting time! I mean, who really likes it?!
Chooch, I guess.
Then we stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts so Chooch and I could get Beyond Sausage breakfast sandwiches even though he doesn’t deserve to eat after the hassle he caused this morning.
Thank god for more and more fast food places providing veg options.
Henry just looked at me and, with a Sheetz muffin in his mouth, asked, “ARE YOU LIVE BLOGGING?”
It’s 7:28am and we are finally in West Virginia. We’re not going to get to Branson until 6:50pm tonight but obviously much later than that because Henry will have to stop a million times because of his back ugh. I offered to push him out of the car when we stopped at Sheetz but he declined. Ok struggle, then.
I’ve asked him so many times if we’re going to see the St Louis Arch thing that he doesn’t even respond anymore.
We’re somewhere near Columbus, OH and just left a Pilot where I tried to get Chooch to buy winter accessories because I always worry that he’s not going to be warm enough which is one of the few signs that I am, in fact, a mom. But then Tightwad Henry gruffly said, “WE ARE GOING TO STOP LOTS MORE TIMES WE CAN GET THAT STUFF LATER” so now poor Chooch go to school in his flashy truck stop accoutrements.
We’ve only been on the road for three hours. Thank god for this 2nd generation Kpop playlist that has zero BTS in it (no offense BTS but your fans have been poppin’ off even more hatefully lately).
I put on the new EXO and Henry turned the volume up super loud like OK Kpop dad.
Fucking Henry sneezed so LOUDLY a few minutes ago that I almost had a heart attack and the sound-memory is still ringing in my ears. Ew now he’s blowing his nose in Dunkin Donut napkins and we are STILL in Ohio – this is truly the car ride from hell.
Henry told me that some Sheetz back home has purple lighting in the bathroom so that the heroin addicts can’t find their veins oh lord please help me because all of my veins are twinging now at the thought of that, ugh.
11:38am, Spiceland, IN: We just stopped at Mr. Fuel to pee and refuel (ie I needed coffee) but it was weird there and I felt uncomfortable. The color scheme was black red and yellow like an ugly pair of boys roller skates from 1978. There were three old men in suspenders sitting at a table, talking about war stuff probably, and they looked at me weird. I didn’t appreciate it.
Next to it was some school bus garage and Chooch started blabbering on and on about how we should buy a school bus and turn it into an RV and then a minute later I was screaming, “YOU HASHTAGGED MAKEAWISH?? DELETE THAT!”
Ugh that kid.
12:26 and we’re here now, awaiting our vegetarian fare (we’ll not Henry. He got chicken.)
We’re in Indianapolis btw. In a strip mall.
You guys, this food was fantastic! I went with the house veggie burger which came with this tangy, spicy sauce on a ciabatta bun, and cassava fries. Chooch got the Beyond Burger and regular fries, and Henry got a chicken burger with cole slaw (I can’t believe I missed out on that photo op FUCKKKK) and potato salad which was FANTASTICO!!
I asked Henry if he liked his and he said, “IT’S JUST CHICKEN” and then INHALED HALF OF IT IN ONE SOLID BITE. Chooch and I lost it in tandem, like laughing to the point of tears, and Henry was like JUST STOP.
My second favorite of lunch was when Henry was walking back to our table but looking off to the side and didn’t notice that there was an old man standing there until he almost walked into him. He stopped right at the last minute so they were face to face, looking at each other, and then Henry mumbled, “Excuse me” and side-stepped him. It was SO AWKWARD. I LOVED IT.
HENRY STORY TIME: we just passed a billboard for BOOT CITY and he blurted out, “I had a pair of cowboy boots once. When I was in the service. I wore them once and they hurt so I never wore them again….”
“OMG DID U ACTUALLY THINK THEY LOOKED GOOD?!” I wheezed.
“No….I don’t know why I bought them. Actually, I don’t think I ever even wore them out of the house.” Now he has this faraway gleam in his eye, thinking about his SERVICE days.
Hello, I’m back in action after driving for the last two hours while Henry slept. Nothing too exciting happened except for when I thought I was getting pulled over for doing 15 over the speed limit but apparently the State Police were more concerned with chasing down a felon. Oh, and the time went back so it’s only 3:42 and we should be passing through St Louis soon.
Just crossed the Mississippi River for the first time ever and now we’re in Missouri!
We still have 3.5 hours left to go though.
I just made the mistake of saying out loud that this drive hasn’t really been that bad and the look Henry shot at me could have castrated a herd of cattle. I keep forgetting about his back which is actually hard to do considering how often he flinched, winces, groans, rolls himself out of the car like a Weeble at every rest stop. But I guess I’m just really talented at not caring about his problems lol.
Ew one of the traffic signs said:
Not your head
6:55pm pit stop to the URANUS FUDGE FACTORY.
Because the best fudge COMES FROM URANUS.
There were three kitties living there and we got to pet one!!!
Highlight of the day so far.
Also, the employees shout WELCOME TO URANUS every time someone walks in and it was quite lovely.
They also sold this gross Trump candy though. “Is Missouri Republican?” Chooch yelled and all the people in flannels and trucker caps side-eyed us.
I just freaked out because the moon is suddenly really low and Chooch said, “Yeah I’m pretty sure it’s because we’re on a hill now.” Also–8:29 and we’re still not there but we’re getting close judging by the giant tourist trap billboards that are stationed all over both sides of the road.
9:08pm: WE’RE HERE. I already forget the name of the hotel but they gave us oatmeal raisin cookies when we checked in and now Chooch and I are going to the fitness center.
10:03pm: Chooch and I exercised for 25 minutes while Henry went to the store to get Chooch gloves for tomorrow because Chooch packed for the beach, not the Ozark Mountains in December. Anyway, I asked him if he also got a heating pad for his crooked back like he said he was going to and he went, “AW SHIT.” So, that’s a no.
Then he sneezed and murdered our ears. I swear his sneezes are like military-grade aural assault weapons. And then he yelled at Chooch, “And we are NOT watching this* all night!!”
I brought up some tourist guide from the lobby to see how to get to the Ozarks but it’s just all dinner shows and mini golf, and ads for places like TOOL TOWN USA where you “make unusual discoveries.” No addresses for Ozark Mountain!!
Henry claims he doesn’t need a brochure and that he can “figure it out” himself.
Well, it’s giddy time so ANNYEONG SUCKAS.
“HENRY STORY TIME: we just passed a billboard for BOOT CITY and he blurted out, “I had a pair of cowboy boots once. When I was in the service. I wore them once and they hurt so I never wore them again….”
YOU HAVE TO BREAK THEM IN, HENRY!