When tweets lose their bowels

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:10 Oh Zipper, my old nemesis. #
• 16:13 I wonder if Dutch Andrew from Tucson knows that we’ve Imprinted. #
• 17:47 Some guy yelled GORGEOUS at ME but Alisha said it was about HER and that he was drunk. :( #
• 17:49 Alisha is just jelis that Kirk the Carnie is in love with me. I snagged me a SUPERVISOR, y’all. #
• 18:42 Apparently we are partying with John and Jordan tonight. They own ALL THE BOOTHS IN THIS BLOCK. #
• 18:43 And Jordan was really cute but his sleazy personality killed it for me. Alisha was lapping it up, though. #
• 19:08 We’re about to watch tractor pulls, whatever that means. Alisha assured me it’s not all that exciting. I’LL DECIDE FOR MYSELF, THANKS. #
• 19:39 My new ringz0rz. My vampire boyfriend gave it to me. twitpic.com/226z9u #
• 23:21 That was the longest I’ve ever spent at a county fair, and arguably the best time I’ve had at one. Thanks @saucalisha!! #
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• 09:46 Tweeting with no eyes and one ear: Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Pleas… bit.ly/bJ89lc
• 11:23 Just wondering why holidays are always The Worst Day Ever at my house. #
• 13:12 Best cemetery workout ever. If I didn’t make up for at least 75% of yesterday’s carnival eats, then I’m clearly doing it wrong. #
• 15:05 This “relationship” is making my health deteriorate. #
• 16:04 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Emarosa (34), Sleeping With Sirens (7) and Rosaline (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
• 16:12 .009 seconds into the new Real World and just met Knight, a hockey player from Wisconsin. Hello new favorite. #
• 16:38 Henry is the most confusing person to date and he’s not even bi-polar like me. This day has been a yoyo, dippin g in and out of Hell. #
• 16:59 Goofus and Gallant, OhHonestlyErin-style: Remember that old series “Goofus and Gallant” that was in that kid’s mag… bit.ly/cmwd68 #
• 17:02 The Town Schizo is outside and Chooch is giving everyone inside Eat n Park a play-by-play of her actions. SHE’S CROSSING THE STREET, GUYS! #
• 17:05 Listening to old people order at restaurants is pretty amazing. They’re very specific and MEAN about it. And have annoying ring tones. #
• 17:26 Dick Dale just came on at Eat n Park but god forbid anyone should hear it over my son’s enormous set of lungs. #
• 17:39 Pretty sure the old next lady next to us just barked to the waitress: “And I don’t want no Texas toast cuz that gives me a brown rash!” #
• 21:11 Oh great. If You Really Knew Me: a new MTV series destined to act as my new summer downer. #
• 21:56 One of my talents is referencing The Real World during serious moments/when people least expect it. #
• 22:07 Henry just put an end to 10 years of my voyeurism by installing proper blinds on our front window. He’s ruining my life!!! #
• 23:57 Just realized all those hours ago, I meant “exhibitionism” not “voyeurism.” That’s what I get for paraphrasing something HENRY said. #
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• 01:00 Weird. I was just thinking I could go for some Dan Fogelberg… #
• 09:04 I fell asleep on the couch, glasses-clad, & Henry took a pic. I’m posting it so he can’t h old it over my head. twitpic.com/22ntn5 #
• 09:19 It’s only going to be 96 degrees for #WarpedTour on Wednesday, no biggie. #
• 09:53 Charity has been chosen, just waiting for the #Blogathon site to get launched and that’s all you’ll be hearing of for the next month. #
• 10:38 Chooch is telling me a story and at one point he goes, “I was like, ‘WHAT’.” #
• 11:21 My friend Francesco showed me this b/c it reminds us of someone, LOLOL // WOW Gangsta Threatens Ex-GuildiesVideo brk.to/wowgangsta #
• 11:45 Nice ‘stache. twitpic.com/22p0g0 #
• 12:24 I will never stop hating this pink hai red Lazytown twat. I’m going to start sending her hate mail. It’ll be awesome. #
• 12:37 Yesterday at dinner, I told Chooch he can’t just bark orders at the waitress. He looked at me like I was retarded & said, “Uh, yes I CAN.” #
• 14:36 Henry just single-handedly made the longest day even longer. Fucker. #
• 16:02 I would honest to god rather be at work right now than sweating in an un-air conditioned house with a bratty 4yo. Closest thing to hell. #
• 18:19 What kind of 45 year old reject locks his keys in a truck. The motherfucking Henry kind. #
• 19:22 Why do all the disorderlies come up to my house? Why? #
• 19:28 Hey it’s not so bad when you sit in front of the fan while wearing wet clothes. #
• 22:28 Alisha just showed me some weird blood clot she acquired from one of the rides on Saturday & I can’t stop laughing. OH NO PEE DROPS. #
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• 00:48 Hey @ObsidianOffing & @jmp25! Just found Tina on Facebook. Let the nightmares commence. :( #
• 10:29 Constantly surrounded by unoriginality. Think your own thoughts or get the fuck out. #
• 11:14 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Emarosa (34), Sleeping With Sirens (7) and Rosaline (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
• 11:22 It’s @mrsevils’s birthday! She’s a zombie expert, Barbie bloodifier, & all-around hot broad! Happy birthday, lady! Hope it’s excellent! #
• 11:30 Chooch, just now: “It’s ALWAYS tomorrow! I HATE tomorrow!” Apparently I put things off til tomorrow too often for his liking. #
• 12:50 I should apparently be content to be stuck at home all day w/ a wild child. Better than being stuck w/ him in a septic tank I guess. #
• 15:08 Big Butler Fair, Part 1: The Caterpillar: The last time I went to the Big Butler Fair was probably the summer of 2… bit.ly/cnSFkt #
• 15:33 I just honestly shed a tear thinking about how happy I’m going to be tomorrow. Unless there’s a vivisection in my future. #
• 16:39 For the 1st time in 3 weeks, I’ve been able to partake in convos at work w/o acting like a deaf schizo! #
• 16:52 I like how all these attys are like HOW WAS YR WEEKEND as a preface for diving into their own rich account of holiday festivities. #
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• 07:51 Seriously sprung out of bed. IT’S MY DAY! #
• 10:04 WARPED TOUR!! We’re here!! Henry is staring longingly at the drop-off lot. #
• 10:05 Henry’s observations so far: 1. Some ppl don’t look good in scene clothes. 2. These could all be his kids. #
• 10:12 Only in the parking lot and i’m officially crying, I’m so happy. #warpedtour #
• 13:01 Just handed the schedule to Henry and said, “Is there anything you’d like to see?” He looked at me like I was retarded. :( #
• 13:17 Me and Mister Miserable. twitpic.com/238xhl #
• 14:20 Five minutes into Polar Bear Club aaaaand Henry’s asleep. I dunno how he does it. So far no fighting today, though! #warpedtour #
• 15:23 I love how I can say “Look, Wes is here!” and Henry knows I’m talking about The Real World. #
• 16:16 Pierce the Veil just reminded me why I do this every year. Cried thru the whole set. #
• 17:26 Never have I been so excited over frozen Minute Maid. #
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• 09:29 Yay. Back to frustration and chest pains. You know, the norm. #
• 11:23 I feel hungover. The amount of alcohol I imbibed yesterday equals ZERO. Worst part of Warped Tour is going back to reality. #
• 12:08 I like it when Henry is on staycation. He gets me lavendar white chocolate iced coffee! #
• 12:26 Pretty sure I liked summer better when I was kid because I had central air, a pool & played tennis inside a freezing club. Fuck being poor #
• 13:08 Warped Tour sneak peek: Vic Fuentes from Pierce the Veil, fuck yeah. I haven’t even come close to collecting all m… bit.ly/aB4Zvk #
• 14:09 Just watched my son chase some guy down the sidewalk, trying to dump a cup of water on him; I’m too tired to care right now. #
• 14:50 I was gonna say, “Hey! It’s a miracle! I’m not wearing stripes!” but then I remembered my pants are pin-striped. I just really like stripes. #
• 15:14 I’m having fun with #formspringme. Create an account and follow me at formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
• 17:22 My brain refuses to believe that lavendar is spelled lavender. #
• 18:08 Yay this will bump up my obnoxious level by at least 5 pts! twitpic.com/23kkza #
• 18:15 Today at work, we discussed “curlies” for a good fifteen minutes. And I do mean pubes. #
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• 00:02 #SYTYCD results show #%^#}{** Henry and I are in tears. #
• 00:25 I want to be the double rainbow guy for Halloween. #
• 09:12 My ability to do crunches in the cemetery has been marred by my co-worker’s irrational fear of zombies. #
• 10:44 I CANT FUCKING RELY ON ANYONE. #
• 11:37 HAY MAYBE PETTING ANIMALS WILL HELP #
• 11:50 Just strolling along with glass in my shoe, like any other Friday. #
• 11:54 Chooch and I would not be very good farmers. Not even for a day. #
• 14:00 About to blow the roof off my house. #
• 14:25 Today is kinda hard. #
• 16:19 A good conversation to walk in on is one about Oreos. Not as good as snuff films, but it’ll do. #
• 18:35 Emailing lawyers to tell them they’re wrong may be one of my least savory job duties. My natural instinct wants to battle them in a ring. #
• 19:36 The only way a story that starts out “Last time I saw Nickelback” is gonna be good is if the ending is “& I shot Chad Kroger in the cock.” #
• 19:39 & yes, I just squirmed during someone’s account of a Nickelback concert, in case you were wondering. & they are so not HARDCORE, I’m sorry. #
• 19:40 Woo! This day might be tied with the day that I tried to eat my arm. IT IS THAT FANTASTIC. #
• 22:02 I would comment on blogs way more often if it didn’t require me to spell jibberish while jacking off priests inside fiery hoops. #
• 23:35 Big Butler Fair Part 2: Kirk vs Andrew + awkward soup slurping: [This may have been written by someone drunk off w… bit.ly/a65nUX #
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• 00:50 Circa Survive got name-dropped for like an entire minute on the last episode of “Pretty Little Liars” WTF . #
• 01:57 I get so excited talking about music and Henry just sits there and tousles his hair. Probably thinking of all his shows on the CW. #
• 09:34 I may need some sort of Warped Tour detox. The first few post-Warped days are so somber that I’m onsidering finding another date to go to. #
• 09:40 Idea! Let’s line up Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry & maybe Bieber depending on how I feel, & shoot them all in the throat. Bellinis afterward. #
• 10:54 Picking fights with me is a great way to start the weekend! I enjoy laying in bed with chestpains! Let’s make today as fantastic as Friday! #
• 11:12 A hug would be nice. (Autospell originally wantdd hug to be HIV, which would have given a whole new meaning to how I feel.) #

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