Yo yo yo. I’m feeling bullet-y today. Let’s do this thing. I’ll even sweeten the pot with some CAT PICS.
- My Squirrel-whispering (or, “whistling” as it were) ability is getting even more skilled. Over the weekend, one of my Buddies was in the neighbor’s yard (the one who hates squirrels!) so I whistled for him to come over to my porch. As he started flouncing his way over, another Buddy popped up from the backyard in between two of the neighbors’ houses and stood on his hind legs. I was like, “Ok you can come too” so he started to make his way over but then the first Buddy was like NO! and chased him away. Meanwhile, I was still whistling and ANOTHER BUDDY came running over from the across the street, stood up on the sidewalk and looked in my direction with his paw on his chest, as if to say, “Who, me?” In the end, I lured three over but only one fully took me up on my offer to be handfed walnuts. (Or, as the squirrels call them: wallnoots.) I’m practically that bitch with the gorillas now.
- Squirrels in the Fog.
- I was in a meeting recently where the buzzword du jour was “egregious” and it was actually making me cringe which was bad because it was a video meeting and also, I was struggling real hard not to continuously yawn.
- Henry was getting really nervous around me the other night and I wasn’t even doing anything. He eventually blurted out, “What’s in your hand??” like I was palming an invisible grenade or something. “POWER,” I said as I punched him.
- Chooch and I were on a nighttime stroll last week (I wanted to drop off a library book and didn’t want to walk alone lol) when we were accosted by a super friendly cat that we have seen here and there around the ‘hood recently. Super docile and definitely doesn’t look malnourished so I assume this an outdoor cat that also has a home? I HOPE?? Chooch scrolled through some local LOST PET facebook group that he belongs to and didn’t see anything listed for this cat, but it wouldn’t stop following us. I didn’t want to lure it all the way to busy Brookline Boulevard so I had Chooch stay with the cat while I went to the library drop-off box on my own which completely defeated the purpose of my dragging Chooch out of the house in the first place, YES I KNOW MARY. When I came back, Chooch had already started to retreat back to our house but the cat was still happily jogging alongside him. We figured at the very least, if he came back to our house we could put some food out for him. We had just made it to our block when suddenly (KAPCHUGI!) the cat decided to CLIMB A TREE FOR NO REASON. And or course it was a tree along the side of the road too so we didn’t want to just leave him there. “WILL WE HAVE TO CALL THE FIREMEN??” I cried and just then, out of the darkness, a very modern day Spiccolli rolled up on one of those dumb electric city scooters that are strewn all over Brookline and so annoying. “You guys need some help there?” he asked and we were like, “OH YES MISTER PLZ” so he was able to coax the cat out of the tree and I was so smug because we had previously called Henry to come assist us since it was on our block and IGNORED MY CALL but now a STRANGE MAN was playing the hero role, so that’ll show him. Anyway, as soon as he got the cat out of the tree, the cat immediately ran into the road and almost got hit by a car but luckily the car was driving slow probably trying to figure out what this trio of hooligans was doing cavorting on the curb. The scooter Samaritan was able to shepherd the cat down a quiet side street. That’s all. That’s the whole story. Just another chapter in the book of Chooch & Erin: Animal Rescuers.
- One night last week, around 10PM, some strange number showed up on my phone. I blindly answered it, thinking it was going to be some fun, automated spam shit but instead, someone was saying, “Hello, Kelly?” I almost said NO WRONG NUMBER but then I realized – was this is a WORK CALL? The only time I’m ever called KELLY is at work from people outside the department (and sometimes INSIDE, too ugh), so I hesitantly said, “This is Erin Kelly…” and then the person was blurting out questions about a file opening and I was like OMG THIS IS A CALL FROM OUR HONG KONG OFFICE WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. I was so caught off guard and knew there was no way I could say, “Hello it is 10PM here in Pittsburgh, I will handle this tomorrow morning” and also because I am a push-over when it comes to our Asian offices so I then proceeded to LOG ON and Henry was like WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY ARE TALKING EVEN MORE AWKWARDLY THAN USUAL and I’m frantically motioning for him to turn down the TV but he’s an idiot so I had to go back into the living room and do it myself while saying platitudes like, “Gee everything is running so slow” and “just one more moment” when I’m not even at the computer. It was a hot mess express. I will never not remember to un-forward my work calls from my cell phone ever again after that.
- ^^^The look Drew gave me when I said, “Do you want to invite Buddy into your house and share your toys with him?”
“KITTY KAT PLAYGROUND: SQUIRRELS NOT ALLOWED.” Rude.
- Chooch is suddenly into Pokemon cards again and I honestly could not be more annoyed. There’s some dumb comic book shop on the blvd that is doing some dumb promotion where if you download some nerd app and go to their store you can get a free pack of Pokemon cards and Chooch keeps wanting us to do this for him while he is at work and we absolutely will not because obviously we don’t love our son. But he was off last night and asked me to walk there with him because HE IS SCARED OF THE DARK and afterward, as we were walking down the sidewalk along the blvd, we ran into Chooch’s former piano teacher who moved back to Pittsburgh last spring/summer and is actually living in our ‘hood! It was so good to see her, but I think I also scared her too because for some reason, when I said her name, instead of coming off as friendly with a questioning lilt (“Cheryl?”), I for some reason bark-shouted it like she was wanted for a crime and I was the beat cop who tracked her down (“CHERYL!“) I mean, I might as well have just yelled, “HEY, YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE!”
- I watched Love Hard one day last week and surprisingly really enjoyed it even though it was totally predictable and basically a tale as old as time, but I thought Nina Dobrev and Jimmy Yang were FUCKING ADORABLE together and it was actually funny too. I think it was kind of what I needed without realizing it was what I needed??
- LOL I have some YouTube video about Gilmore Girls playing in the background and the narrator just said “egregious” because I guess I’m being haunted by office vocab now.
- Instead of saying that I was crying, Chooch said that I “got cried” the other night and then Henry couldn’t remember the word for “lies” and called them “not trues” instead and all of this is in addition to my everyday brand of Typo’splosions and Grammar Fuckery; I honestly think that it’s from all the spray-painting Henry does in the basement. Our minds are atrophying. We’re like, half-high all of the time.
On that note, I’m going to peace out! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! Then we’re going to Six Flags Over Georgia and hopefully I get to ride the RMC that’s there! But it’s Six Flags so I’m not getting my hopes up!