Jan 162022

We’re supposed to be getting some big snowstorm today at some point so Henry is at THE STORE right now while it’s still clear out there and I’m just sitting here watching my fave YouTube channels, thinking about all the things in my head that I want to purge. I’m feeling vulnerable to the nth power lately so this is likely to be A Mess.

It’s our busy greeting card season so the house is imploding with card-making materials, and clutter really does a shitty thing to my mental well-being. Add to that the fact that Henrys grandkids are next door acting like hellions and getting screamed at by their parents and I already feel like I have cabin fever without a single snowflake having fallen.

We are still in the middle of the THROW AWAY FROM THE ATTIC project but it is way too cold this weekend to do work up there so we’re focusing on the Cure section of the house which is almost complete.

This is a passage from a book I read last week and while I’m not in academia, I fucking FELT THIS. I have recently been in a situation at work where I am made to feel this way quite regularly and I thought I could just brush it off but after feeling like shit in a recent meeting in the beginning of the year and trying to bottle it up, it all came pouring out of me yesterday like the most emotional geyser and Henry had to sit with me while I bawled my face off and did the shudder-breathing and my heart was racing so fast and I realized, “is this worth it?” It’s a job. Not a career.

It started in the beginning of this project I was dumped into, when one of my “colleagues” made some shitty comment about how formal education is better than institutional knowledge and ok, ouch. That cut deep. I have always felt inadequate in that department, having never finished college (“oh, I’ll go back once my kid is in school,” she said. “Oh I’ll finish it one day real soon,” she said.) but I feel that I work hard and learn fast and maybe I’m not down with all the cliched and eye-rolling business meeting lingo which basically just makes people sound like they’re expelling empty air and not saying anything real, and maybe I’m not as smart on paper as everyone else there, and maybe I don’t show everyone there my true outgoing personality because I feel so self-conscious about everything else that by the time it’s my turn to speak up, my voice wavers and everything I say is utter nonsense and if anyone who knows me outside of that capacity ever witnessed it, they would say, “This is not the Erin that I know.”

So I guess this year my only goal is to work on being ERIN RACHELLE in every area of my life and stop keeping my head down at work because I feel like a STOOP every single day. Or just find a new job. Lol. Whichever happens first.

(Aso I think I have just reached my WFH limit. I’d like to go into the office at least once a week and feel like a normal human again. I am dying for in person meetings again. Fuck these video calls, I am going to spontaneously combust one day. Hopefully ON VIDEO.)

Oh and in addition to this (stupid, avoidable) stress, I watched the whole season of Maid on Netflix and it triggered so much from the beginning of the very first episode. When I was a kid, I had flashbacks (didn’t know they were real at the time) of my mom running with me in her arms down the steps and out of our first house, with my birth dad chasing right behind her. I was LITTLE then, like still a baby. And I’m seeing it from a third-person POV, like a movie, which is bizarre. But yeah, my mom is a survivor of domestic violence and then I also briefly experienced it when I was a teenager and in a relationship with Psycho Mike. What if I hadn’t gotten out of it??

Every episode of that show made my pulse gallop and I cried so much and felt sick to my stomach. I hope that it helps people currently in an abusive relationship realize that abuse comes in many forms and gives them the courage to leave.

Thanks for letting me share.

On to better things:

Oh never mind. Someone wasn’t prepared and didn’t get enough LED lights so our project is on hold and now I’m frustrated, anxious, and angry so no, I don’t have “better things” to move onto right now.

Let me take a squirrel break. Brb.

Ok I saw my Chubbs on the porch and then Mr Gray Guy popped over for some hazelnuts and then Henry redid the LED lights so it might work now but we’re taking a kdrama break.

I needed a picture of myself wearing blue for some anti-human trafficking campaign thingie so that is what this is. OK??

Henry went to the store and came back with a cinnamon roll-edition Snickers for us to share and I feel moderately better now.

I’ll never forget at the dinner we had after my Pappap’s funeral in 1996, my cousin Ginny (whom I believe is some kind of math genius as a profession) leaned into me and whispered, “Chocolate is good for depression.” My friend Christy was right next to me and heard it too so it’s one of those things we always jokingly reference over the years but damn if it isn’t true.

Speaking of Christy, everyone featured in this picture has agreed to participate in a recreation of it at some point, probably when it’s not gross winter.

PRO TIP APROPOS OF NOTHING: if I have a candle in a pretty container, I like to repurpose it as plant pot once the wick has burned down.

In case you were wondering, the snow has officially started. I hope my squirrels are ok.

Chooch took the T to the mall earlier today with his friends. Whenever he makes a purchase, Henry gets a text because it’s some BABY CREDIT CARD that chooch is so embarrassed about having but none of his friends have credit cards so….? Anyway! He made an $11 purchase at Macy’s and we were making guesses for what we thought it was because dude never shops at Macy’s?? We both settled on either a hat or a face mask because he keeps misplacing his masks and then it becomes everyone’s problem because Ugh Teens. When he came home, he had a frog-face kickball in his arms. That is what he bought at Macy’s.

Last night, Henry and I stopped to get mediocre coffee at Dunkin Donuts on our way home from whatever errands we were running, and this happened:

Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru lady: Have a good night.

Henry, to her: You also.

Henry, to me: I say “you also” now.

If I sent out a family newsletter, I’d include that huge development.

Well, I am going to go and plan a potential roller coaster trip for the future because that usually helps me decompress. I might need more chocolate soon though.

Say it don't spray it.

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