Damn, this haunt season has been off to a really wacky start so far. Just all kinds of weirdness, not necessarily BAD, but like…well, WEIRDNESS, as previously stated. I just wanted to dump some photos here from the first week (minus Crawford Haunted School which already got its own post!).

So, the last Sunday of September, Henry and I went to Freddy’s Haunts in Aliquippa. This is one I’ve been going to sporadically since probably like 2002 or 2003? Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not. The usual.

We had to wait for a solid 45 minutes before they were ready to start sending  people through but I appreciate that this is one of the smart places that give you a group number so you’re not relegated to standing in an annoying line. There’s a HUGE ring of benches for a bonfire, but the bonfire wasn’t lit because it had been raining all day and the benches were wet so Henry and I just stood in like we were in a line anyway so what did it even matter at that point?? But they do have some entertaining scare actors milling about at least, like this clown who desperately wanted us to sign his hammer.

Then he made us take a selfie.

I took a picture of just him to send to Wendy because if you tell me you hate clowns, you asked for it.

Anyway, as usual, all of the pertinents are in the haunted house journal, but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you two things:

1. The ticket lady 100% was so annoyed that I asked to keep my ticket stub (her concession was to just rip off where it said Freddy’s Haunts and had me the little sliver of a stub back and then as I was trying to tell her that I have been keeping haunted house journals since 1996, she fully swiveled in her chair so her back was toward me, she cared THAT little. WOW. WOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWW. Usually, these people eat this shit up.
2. We were in group #1 with a trio of teenage girls – I feel like they said they were in 9th grade. These girls were TERRIFIED, even before going in when the chainsaw guy was out and about, he chased them all of the way back to the parking lot. We actually didn’t think they were coming back. But they did and they begged us to let them come through with us even though….we were already assigned to he same group # but sure, I’ll sound like a martyr by saying yes! One of them had a death grip on my hand from the beginning, and another one started crying legit tears as soon as we entered the house, so I was actually thinking that they were going to ask to leave. But the crying girl asked Henry if she could hold onto him and he was like, “Um, OK but can I get you sign this contract first stating your consent?” Anyway, IN A NUTSHELL, these girls made this haunt incredibly hilarious and memorable. I LOVED THEM. The one who was hanging off Henry’s arm cried out at one point, “Wow, Mr. Henry, look at your wife up there in the lead – she isn’t afraid of anything! She’s a real one!” and then, “…she is your wife, right?” Henry laughed and said, “Yes” and I was like, “Ew,” minus the David. It just sounded weird hearing it out loud! Gag.

FUCKING ADORABLE. My girl was the one on the left, and Henry’s was next to him. The one on the right was in the middle most of the time but every once in a while she tried to squeeze next to me so that we were three across and the other girl would yell, “YOU’RE SMOTHERING MISS ERIN!!!!”

God, this was so much fun.

Then on Friday, we went to Fear Forest, which is about 75-90 minutes away in Ohio. It was new-to-us although I have seen the listing for it for years.

75% of it was really fun. Like I always say, these things really depend on so many different factors but a big one is: how many people do you get sent through with?? The hayride only allows for maybe 20-25ish people? But then after the hayride, there are three walk-thrus, 2 of which the ticket punchers were only sending in people with their own group so it was awesome because Henry and I were being sent through just the two of us until we did the walking trail (the PyschoPath – brill) and the jerk ticket guy sent us through with the group of 4 ahead of us even after I complimented him on his nails WELL GUESS WHAT, YOUR DUMB LEE PRESS ONS WEREN’T REALLY THAT GREAT. He was so rude!

Anyway, the scare actors only focused on the group of 4 while Henry and I trailed behind them like the Service Service, make it licensed by Spirit Halloween. At one point, I loudly scoffed, “I GUESS WE ARE INVISIBLE.” But that didn’t change anything.

The last walk-thru was a cornfield and it was just me and Henry – WOW SO ROMANTIC – and it featured a fucking 7 foot tall Michael Myers. I was screaming.

“Why is he so tall!?!?” and Henry was like, “I don’t know, keep walking!” and then Tall Mike cut through the corn and reappeared in front of me again!! He was terrifying!

Anyway, we had fun. It was like old times and actually made me think about the time when we were SECRET DATING in 2001 and en route to a haunted house. We were on the West End Bridge when I looked over to the right and saw JIMMY LANDIS, this smarmy weasel motherfucker we worked with, smiling and waving. Then he leaned forward and saw HENRY and looked back at me, then looked at Henry, and then SMILED SO SHITTILY.

Yeah, by Monday, everyone knew. Sigh.

Anyway, driving home from this haunt, hands wrapped around a cup of hot gas station coffee, listening to NCT…it felt cozy and almost like old times. Well, with the addition of kpop, definitely was not listening to that with Henry in the early 00s!

And this brings us to last night, when we went to INFERNUM IN TERRA, one of our faves in West Virginia. So far, it’s my favorite of the season, big scares, lots of psychological fuckery. But I want to specifically talk about how, as soon as we arrived, Henry CUT IN FRONT OF A YOUNG COUPLE waiting in the ticket line?! I was so embarrassed so I hung back and wouldn’t get into the line with him. I watched the couple look at each other and raise their eyebrows and make a “What a d-bag” smirk.

Um, agreed!!!

So, Henry came back over to where I was standing afterward and I whispered, “You totally cut in front of that couple!” and he goes, “No, I didn’t. Did I?” And then tried to defend himself by saying THEY WEREN’T STANDING IN THE PROPER PLACE and you know what I say to that? THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING TRUMP WOULD SAY IF HE FOUND HIMSELF IN THE SAME SITCH.

AND YOU KNOW TRUMP HAS BEEN CUTTING LINES HIS WHOLE LIFE.

Ugh, so I kept saying, “You need to apologize to them!” because I didn’t want to have to it since I wasn’t the rude-ass in this situation!! Eventually, Henry had to walk past them to use the porta-potty so on his way there, he stopped and asked, “Hey did I cut in front of you over there?” and of course they were both like, “Naw!” like good ol’ West Virginian kids but Henry still apologized, and I was like, “OK, we can move on with our lives now, I can reenter society” because, mind you, what I didn’t say is that I had spent a solid 10 minutes dwelling on this because if there is one thing I hate, it’s looking like an asshole when I truly don’t deserve it! And I looked like an asshole by association!!

Ugh, but you guys, get this – on his way back from the porta-potty, he APOLOGIZED TO THEM AGAIN and come on, man. Now it’s just over kill. You went and did too much. Why not just hand them the cat o’nine tails at this point.

Then we went through the haunt, had a fucking amazing time, and everything got weird after that, but I guess I will save that story for another post because it is not haunted house-related, although it was scarier.

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