I was getting ready for bed last night when my friend Patty messaged me on Instagram and said that she had gone to Facebook to wish her friend Jeff a happy birthday and saw that he had died earlier in the year. This is significant because Jeff was my boyfriend from 1998-2001 until I dumped him for Henry at Dave Navarro concert at Metropol.

We definitely didn’t part on the best terms, but we eventually made peace with each other (he even stopped over a few mths later to give me a CD of his DJing, shook Henry’s hand and everything) and stayed e-friends ever since. That didn’t amount to more than an occasional Instagram like, though.

There was one time at least 10 years ago, if not more, where he messaged me and said that he had been going to AA meetings at the church across from my house and that we should get coffee sometime.

We never met up for coffee, but this is how I found out he was an alcoholic and after Googling his obit last night, severe health complications related to his decades-long struggle is what ultimately took his life last January.

Right before Barb died, actually. This year just keeps doling it out, doesn’t it?

I don’t really know what this emotion is that I’m feeling. Shock? Sadness? Guilt? I was SUCH A CUNT to this man. He deserved so much better than me and I can say this now without any reservation – I treated him like an absolute dog. I cheated on him habitually. I lied to him. I fucked with him. But worst of all, I was just straight-up abusive to him.

We met in Darkchat (of course) in the fall of 1998. His name on there was Samhain, so I called him Sammy. He was in the process of moving to Pgh for art school and was looking to make some friends. We met in the parking lot of Pier 1 (RIP) in Pleasant Hills and went to the theater across the street to see John Carpenter’s Vampires. I remember my friend Cinn, also from Darkchat (Jesus Christ I was/am such a fucking dork) was worried about this and was also in the parking lot for observance purposes and deemed him, immediately, a non-threat.

Cinn loved him and called him Sammy even after I ultimately switched to “Jeff.”

The worst part is that now I can see what a truly sweet and kind guy he was, when back then I made fun of those traits and found him “weak.” I was so wrong and bad for him.

I wish that we had just started as friends and stayed that way, instead of designing the entire meet-up as a “date.” I feel like I knew from the beginning that the compatibility wasn’t there, but then he kind of leaned on me as a crutch since he was shy and new to the city and honestly he couldn’t have picked a worse person for this assignment because not only was I an absolute agent of chaos, but my friends were motherfuckers to him too. (With the exception of Janna and Cinn.) He used to go home to Uniontown every weekend and I was SUDDENLY SINGLE on those weekends, having house parties, going out, just being completely disrespectful of his feelings.

Janna and I went to lunch today and she pointed out that I was a kid and I agree with that, I was immature and literally only cared about myself and am truly a completely different person now but it doesn’t make me any less disgusted with myself. I have no idea what Jeff was going through all of these years. I wish I could have apologized to him.

Easter at my Grandma’s house, 2001 prob.

On Instagram, Jeff mostly posted pictures of the food he cooked (he liked to cook, even back then) and his dog, who was referenced numerous times in the obituary and for some reason, maybe because I am a sucker for animals, the fact that he left behind his cherished best friend is what has made me crumble. It also said that his parents are now caring for the dog (Kenny) so thank god.

His last IG post was from Xmas 2023, and Kenny was featured in that image carousel.

And then reading the messages on the memorial page broke me too because the echoing sentiment was that he was so kind, docile, pure-hearted, etc. And he was! He was all of these fucking things and I was the fucking Devil.

Barb’s birthday was 10/29. Carol’s birthday was 10/31. Jeff’s birthday was also 10/31. All three of these people, once prominent fixtures in my life, are dead instead of celebrating birthdays this week. I feel so fucking weird.

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