My Pappap’s death defined me for YEARS. It happened so abruptly, a few short hours after I had just left his house where he had been sitting on his worn spot of the couch, watching TV and making work calls. Business as usual.

Then BAM – he was gone. Aneurysm. Didn’t even make it to the hospital.

I don’t want to say I’m over it but you know, almost 30 years later and I think it’s safe to say that I can look at photos of him and feel joy rather than grief. Because he was the greatest man I have known and loved. The father I didn’t have. My safe space.

These things are being rehashed in therapy. I didn’t realize how much unprocessed trauma I have in relation to his death. The residual grief that rears its head in odd places and times. Drew’s death over the summer was so similar to his and it opened something inside of me and now I have been grieving them both this whole time, trying to make sense of it. My Pappap’s untimely death was the #1 worst thing that ever happened to me, hands down, no contest. And Drew’s death is a close second. Maybe that will help illustrate why I have been such a shell of myself this last months. The triggers have been so real.

He was the only one in my family who ever showed me true unconditional love. He’s the reason why when I think of my childhood, I feel like I’m bursting with happiness and not dwelling on the bad things that were happening at my own house where I felt like an intruder, like I didn’t belong. I never felt like that at my Pappap’s. Which is why his house is my “happy place” that I think of to calm down when we’re doing EMDR in therapy. Except that after he died, my grandma and Sharon slowly ruined that for me.

If there is one thing I wish, it’s that he and Chooch would have had a chance to know each other. “If you think I was spoiled, I guarantee it would have been next level with Chooch and my Pappap,” I said to Henry, who mono-grunted in response.

He did everything for me, and gave everything to me.

When he died, NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT IT. I was dying on the inside. I needed my family more than anything then and everyone just shut down. Nothing was ever the same again and I am not being dramatic. You want to talk about an empire falling. This was exactly that. My family never bounced back. I have like, no relationship with any of them except for my brother Corey. It is so fucking sad.

While today is the anniversary of his death, I’m not sad per se. I mean, I shed a few quiet tears, but I think I am just more….introspective today. Just thinking about everything he taught me, how he was actually my saving grace, my role model, and the type of selfless and giving person that I still aspire to me. I hope that one day, I can be that for someone. (CHOOCH PLEASE GIVE ME GRANDKIDS SOME DAY, I WANT TO HAVE THAT CHANCE.)

This guy was literally the glue that held us together. He gave me such a strong love for travel, too and the desire to do everything possible to give Chooch experiences as he was growing up.

He wasn’t even ashamed of me when I got fat, braces, and fugly-ass bangs!

You know, another thing is that my Pappap was a very wealthy business owner so I had a very comfortable childhood and we all enjoyed a rich lifestyle up until he died, when money was mishandled, the business ran into the ground. But because of how he raised me, I was able to go my own way and live my own life without handouts. Henry and I struggled financially for YEARS but we worked hard, paid off debts, tried (still trying) to be smart(er) with our finances and while we aren’t rich and will likely never be higher than middle class, I appreciate everything that we have earned over the years and I get those values from my Pappap. I bounced back when the only other option was to do nothing and sink. I have been really sitting with these thoughts a lot lately, I guess it’s that season of life, and more than ever do I appreciate everything I learned from my Pappap. I don’t take things for granted, I didn’t stay spoiled (well….lol), and I don’t expect ANYONE to do anything for me. I have strong work ethics and I take pride in my work.

Because of my Pappap. The greatest man I have ever known.

 

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