I wanted, NAY—NEEDED, to get a real breakfast yesterday morning before heading out of New Jersey after barely eating the day before because of NERVES and being CONCERT FOCUSED. We stopped at Tick Tock Diner because it was on the way out and we had seen it the day before on our way to the hotel. It was about 7:30AM on a Saturday and only four other people (all male solo diners) were there which was kind of weird but whatever.

Then I saw the breakfast prices and look, I’m no economist and barely understand the value of a dollar but these prices felt outrageous to me?

Like, the prices for those sides? That’s….a lot, right?

I mean, I’m no stranger to $17 avocado toast but it’s usually at a trendy brunch spot with IG-ready backdrops, not a basic diner?

I did like the ambiance though AND Sade was plating when we walked in, followed by a playlist of Erin-approved 80’s and 90’s jams until an unexpected—and unnecessary—instrumental only version of Walking on Sunshine came on. Not needed.

Our waiter’s name was Joe and he had what sounded to my untrained ears a Greek accent if I may be so bold to assume. He was really nice so it wasn’t a total bust.

I was glad to put some protein and healthy fats in my other fats but at $17? I would not say this was worth the $17 but it was at least satisfying.

Henry got pancakes which is uncharacteristic of him.

BREAK FOR SOME CHARMERA SNAPS!

Waiting for the elevator on our floor, ready to check out, crying about missing BIGBANG. (I literally dreamt about the concert, the first time ever it continued on in my dreams. I will mention this again and again for the next several posts until I get it out of my system, just pretend I’m your Granny Appledale who tells the same stories over and over and no one has the heart to tell her this also because she doesn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise.)

(‘Word in edgewise” is so weird when you think about it.)

Ew, this place had the same gross Temu Ketchup that that one diner near Dorney Park has!!!

They serve the coffee in what I originally thought was the creamer carafe. It was odd but I think I liked it? Also, BIGBANG nails. :(

(I have someone’s entire concert video playing right now on YouTube, I am so broken, LOL.)

We did a slight detour into the Philly after this to drop off a bike pump and jeans for Chooch at the Dunkin’ he works at. It was basically a “hi/bye” situation since he was working but one of his co-workers goes, “ARE YOU RILEY’S PARENTS?” and seemed genuinely tickled about this so I said, “WHY, DOES HE TALK ABOUT US?” and he said, “yes, only bad things” which I can believe LOL.

“Ugh my parents are so annoying.”

OK we have reached the point in the blog where it’s time to discuss Henry’s first embarrassing moment(s)! We were at a rest stop and the 7-Eleven looked kind of different — I asked him if it was always like that (it kind of spilled out into the main dining area and I didn’t remember it being like that on the billion times we have stopped at this exact one on the way home from visiting Chooch). It wasn’t really that deep, and then he was being SO SLOW AND INDECISIVE looking for a snack and people kept running into me so I shouted, “I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!” and went out to wait by the car.

He was gone for SO LONG.

When he finally came out he was sort of doing this weird chuckle and I was like, “WHAT HAPPENED WHY WERE YOU GONE FOR SO LONG.” For some idiotic reason, he decided to ask the cashier if they had renovated and she said no, it’s been like that for years. So he was like, “OK cool” and left. But then he realized he needed a straw for his stupid drink so he went back in and asked her where the straws are. He said she goes, “Over there….and there’s also one behind your ear.”

I FUCKING HATE HIM LOLOLOLOL. I’m so glad I wasn’t there when this happened because he is so embarrassing! Then!!!! He noticed there was something on the driver’s seat so he went to get a towel to clean it off and when he turned around, I said, “Well, whatever it is, it’s also all over your shorts. Good job, you look like you have poop on your pants.”

It must have been chocolate, is all I can imagine, but it was just smeared all over the back legs of his LIGHT GRAY shorts and he got mad at me for  not noticing earlier? Like bro, I’m not your mommy!!!?? If anyone noticed, they probably didn’t think anything of it because he’s old.

Then he started choking on trail mix and it’s like, can you please not!?

We got to another rest stop and he was SO CONCERNED about his poop pants that he wouldn’t go in through the main entrance because there were too many people. They were all old men in khaki shorts, I pointed out. “They all probably have poop pants, too, you’re fine.” He was being soooo whiny about it and was making me walk behind him, LOL

Then we had to walk out a side door to avoid people on the way back to the car and I was almost peeing my pants at this point like I was trying to join him in human waste-stained solidarity.

Then we made it home right when it started storming bad and we JUST MISSED all the flooding.

Today! I met Megan for coffee this morning at Uptown Coffee. I haven’t seen her IN A MINUTE. I think actually it’s been since last December when we were in the office for the Christmas party?? Insane. I was happy that she texted me to see if I was free—I’m usually a total drag when it comes to spontaneity but I can’t sit here and complain about friends not asking to hang out and then turning around and saying no when they do, right?? And my only plans were to also go to a cafe with Henry so I dropped him like a hot potato and said, “I’m going with Megan instead, bye.” LOL. OK maybe I was less cunty about it.

There was some car show happening near the cafe and it was so fucking annoying. The cafe itself wasn’t bad until some totally airhead mom came in with her young daughter who proceeded to shriek and scream and then block the door so people outside couldn’t come in while her oblivious mom stood staring into space. Megan and I kept giving each other LOOKS and I was trying to show this broad GRACE like people always say to do but I’m thinking that GRACE isn’t something that works with me.

Then!!! The HUSBAND came in with THREE MORE DEMON KIDS!!! It was so terrible. They took up so much space and acted like no one else was there (when in fact every other table was occupied). It was unbelievably inconsiderate so we ended up going outside and it was just as bad out there with people posting up right next to us no matter how out of the way we tried to get, and then proceeding to SHOUT over our heads at their children who were standing elsewhere. WTF is going on with parenting these days?!!?

In addition to this, there were speakers set up in the courtyard that were evidently trying to shoot country music up to space, it was so skull-fuckingly loud. You’re annoying, Mt.Lebanon. So many rude assholes were out and about.

I came home and ate a quick lunch then Henry and I walked to the Hollywood to see the new Korean movie “Hope,” which was SO GOOD BUT STRESSFUL and I was giddy because they said 갑자기 a lot which you might know is my favorite Korean word and I even have it as a charm that I was wearing today too!

But this is where Henry’s second embarrassing moment of the weekend comes into play. In the middle of the movie, he leans over and LOUDLY whispers, “I have to pee.” Like OK cool, good for you, you don’t have to fucking announce it every time like you need a hall pass, you go to the bathroom in the middle of every movie, bitches don’t even need context clues to figure out why you’re getting up.

So, I’m already annoyed to begin with that he felt the need to do this because there were other people sitting on the balcony too, so perhaps STFU.

He’s gone for 5 seconds and then I hear:

CRASH

BANG

*metal sounds*

I closed my eyes and sank down a little in shame, knowing EXACTLY that he tripped over the garbage can.

I think probably even the people downstairs were like, “Wow, someone just tripped over a garbage can, it sounds like.”

Then when he came back, we made eye contact and both started laughing.

“I tripped over the garbage can!!” he stage-whispered, like buddy let’s just get you a megaphone at this point.

“Yeah, I got that,” I sighed.

“And then I almost fell down the steps! I would have died!” he went on. This part I DID NOT KNOW and now I was CRYING in my seat, picturing him tripping over the garbage can and then clutching it tightly to his chest as they both barrel-rolled down the steps together.

I nearly pissed my pants AGAIN, second time in one weekend!!! I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING and it was so painful to keep trying to stifle it, like being in church and not only getting a laughing fit but getting a laughing fit over something totally inappropriate to boot, like when those people in Philly fell into the grave hole with the casket they were carrying. I laughed for weeks over that but imagine if I was in CHURCH laughing at that.

I’m getting off the rails as usual, sitting here crying with laughter (alone—Henry is not laughing and keeps tossing dirty looks in my direction) and actually making myself overheated.

THE GARBAGE CAN. The steps start right to the left of it.

Anyway, once the movie was over, I was able to laugh out loud about this and then almost had a pee-attack while waiting to the cross the street and probably looked like a lunatic standing there with my legs crossed, face humid and moist with the GIDDY GLAZE.

And that has been my weekend with lots of laughter at Henry’s expense!

No comments