Nov 132015
 

Internet, let’s get bullet-y! (Also, anytime I use bullet points on here, it makes word sandwiches and I don’t know why. APOLOGIES to your eyes.

  • Yesterday was the last day of one of our managers who started out here in Pittsburgh and then moved to Australia to help build up our Melbourne office. I read his reply to my goodbye email out loud when I got in to work today and everyone within earshot let forth a heartygroan; here is an excerpt:
    • Erin:  your smile and just general warmth was always an amazing piece of the Pittsburgh office.  I’m so happy you’ve stayed with the firm and have taken on more within the group because you truly deserve the rewards*.
      • *My reward for lasting 5 years came yesterday in the form of a certificate, a ribbon-thing, a plate of cookies, and a mini bottle of Verdi.
    • I’m going to print it out and tape it to my monitor, next to the one Brad sent me in 2013 which reads:
      • You’re a peach, Erin Kelly. I take back all of the horrible things I say about you behind your back.
  • One day last week, I came back from my break to find that I was SUSPICIOUSLY locked out of my computer. So I had to call the dreaded help desk, which is only not dreaded when my boyfriend Tim answers. But this time it was Noah. He wanted me to answer one of my security questions, and I had my mom’s maiden name on the tip of my tongue, ready to roll, when he asked instead, “What did you wantto be when you grow up?” He stunned me into silence and my brain just completely fizzled out. I literally couldn’t think and just sat there stuttering. “OK, how about this one: What was your favorite game as a child?” I was sweating at this point. Was I dreaming when I answered these questions? “……Monopoly?” I whispered with zero confidence. “No,” he sighed. “Ok…how about…what’s your zip code?” “Oh! That one I know!” and I happily answered. But then, after he granted me passage back into my computer, I asked, “Just out of curiosity, what did I put down for that first question?” Because if I know myself, it could only have been three things, depending on which Vintage Erin Era I was in when I was answering those questions in the first place. He started laughing. “Parapsychologist….so I guess you wanted to, what? Be aghostbuster?” “Yep, that soundsaccurate,” I said, and Noah continued to laugh. “That’s definitely the best answer to that question I’ve seen yet,” he said, and I was thankful that I hadn’t put “manurepackager” because that’s what I used to jokingly tell people I wantedto be when I was in high school, ugh.
    • And if we were going Early Years, it would have been “maid” because all I really knew about maids was that they wore cute dresses and worked in nice apartment buildings and hotels, and if you knew the environment in which I was raised, you can imagine how horrified my grandma was of this early career choice. And if you could see the state my house is usually in, you would wonder how I ever could have cleaned up other peoples shit when I can’t even clean up my own.
    • I wanted to be a parapsychologist after I conned my Pappap into buying me the Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown book series when I was in 5th or 6th grade and became convinced that this was the life for me.
      • By the time I got off the phone, everyone sitting around me were like, “The FUCK was that about?! Who picks those as their security questions?!” SORE-Y GUYS. At the time, I must have thought it was a good idea!
        • I don’t know why I said Monopoly. I can guarantee it was Mousetrap. Motherfuck.
  • That time we let Henry treat himself:

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  • I’ve been putting on Gilmore Girls every night after work because the snappy banter of Lorelai and Rory in the background is inexplicably soothing to me. Chooch got sucked into it one night and asked, “Are they sisters? REALLY? Well they don’t act like they’re mom and daughter.” And then I waited for it to sink in and finally the lightbulb turned on and he exclaimed, “Oh my god, they kind of remind me of us, Mommy!” And there it is.
    • And Henry is Luke.
      • The reruns air on the UP channel so “goddamn” is edited out, lol’ing to Heaven.
  • VIC LIKED MY PAINTING OF HIM ON INSTAGRAM!!!!!!!!! VIC FUCKING FUENTES! At first I thought for sure it was one of those thirsty girls who make their user name similar to a singer’s and just change, like, one letter and then they use the same user pic, like there for certain is a girl on Instagram right now whose name is Piercethavic, like what even is the point. BUT NO, it’s the real Vic and I honestly couldn’t breathe because I have loved that band for so fucking long and even Henry was like, “Nice.”

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  • I ran out of room in my haunted house journal before I was able to finish writing about this season, and I haven’t had a chance to buy a new one yet because I takes TIME and THOUGHT—I can’t just buy any old journal. It has to fit the haunted house journal criteria, for instance, two of my old haunted house journals were Goosebumps blank journals. DO YOU SEE?! I was ranting about this at work and Todd said, “Wow, you lead a stressful life. Can’t you make like, an annex for it?”
  • The Affair is back for a second season of RUINING MY LIFE. I pretty much have an APB out on Henry at all times.
  • Speaking of Henry and affairs! I took Veteran’s Day off because Chooch didn’t have school and I’m getting gently bullied into using more of my PTO time at work. Janna came over and we walked to Dormont to have lunch at Parker’s; on the way there, we walked by a truck from the meat place where Henry and I used to work and at first Iwas disgusted because fuck that place, seriously, but then I got close enough to see that the driver was Paul and Paul is awesome! I can’t believe that poor guy is still working there, though. Anyway, we chased (literally) the truck and as luck would have it, he parked RIGHT IN FRONT OF PARKER’S because there is a Chinese restaurant next to it that he was delivering to. I was all PAUL PAUL! OMG PAUL! and he had no idea who I was because a) I’m forgettable and b) I haven’t seen him since I quit on 4/21/04. But once I got closer and screamed IT’S ME!ERIN! he was all BRING IT IN GIRL! and gave me a hug full of nicotine and gross meat smells. I got to introduce him to Chooch, who was obsessed with Paul at this point because he’s my son and we get obsessed about things. I told him I’m still with Henry and he was genuinely stunned, which made me laugh, because really, who isn’t genuinely shocked that knew us back then.
    • Gross fact: I’m currently the same age that Henry was when he cradle-robbed me. I don’t feel old at all, but FUCK, I thought he was practically a geriatric when he was my age and I was 22.
  • Sometimes when I’m out carousing the town on my lunch break, I see this man wearing a tutu and leggings, standing placidly on a corner, quietly holding up both middle fingers. No sign, no donation box, no quippy chant. Usually he is standing directly across from Dunkin’ Donuts so for a while I thought he was mad maybe about their ever-increasing line of designer coffee drinks. But then I saw him outside of Burlington so I have no idea what his agenda is. One time I saw him stretching out his fingers, though! I imagine they must get very tired from doing all of the communicating on his behalf. Here is a blurry picture of him because he scares me so I took it on the run:

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  • Cure tickets went on sale today at 10! I was still at home since I’m late shift today (although an adjusted late shift because I’m leaving earlier than usual so I can go see Copeland andEisley, woo!) so I sat there forever staring atTicketFly, hitting refresh, until it was 10. At one point, I screamed for no reason other than all this anxiety was building up and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to call Henry over for moral support but instead he calmly said from the couch, “Justbuy the damn tickets so I can take you to work.”
    • I came in to work and joyfully announced that I got my tickets and everyone was like, “Oh thank god, we spent all morning wondering.” I told Glenn that I almost puked when I was waiting to buy them and he said, “That’s funny because I almost puked when you read us George’s email.”
  • Hey remember when I was having a conniption over Chooch and that effing school project that he was putzing around with? Well, he finished it on time and guess what he got out of it? STUDENT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING MONTH.  October’s criteria was creativity and BAM, BITCH the kids voted for Chooch because they thought that the fact he turned his animal essay into a comic strip was original and no one else had done that because the example the teacher gave was diorama so that’s what most of the kids did. Anyway, Chooch got a medal and he spent the next several hours shoving it in our faces.

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(I can’t tell if my phone is broken or my eyes, but almost every picture I have taken lately has been out of focus.)

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  • Whenever Henry starts a sentence with HERE’S AN IDEA, I know it’s going to have something to do with me doing a thing on my own. And I don’t like it.
  • Out of the blue the other day, Chooch said (MINOR WALKING DEAD SPOILER AHEAD), “Maggie is like, the new Laurie. I don’t mean because she’s a bitch now, but because she turned pregnant.”
    • Turned pregnant.
  • I don’t know why I torture myself with American Horror Story (each season gets more and more lame, unless you are just completely unfamiliar with horror films); the best part of this season is definitely getting to see previews for the upcoming People vs. OJ Simpson. Holy shit, I can’t wait for that.
    • Also, a highlight was when “Siamese Dream” was playing during one scene in the third episode. #respect
  • Chooch is still going strong with his extreme overuse of the word “bae” and even has me using without even realizing it—-it just rolls off the tongue so effortlessly. I’m at the point where I barely even notice him saying it anymore, but the other night, he started calling Henry and me “Bae-Lords” and after about 20 minutes, I was prepared to move out of the house. Henry flat out snapped last night and screamed, “I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO FIND A NEW WORD.”
  • I know everyone has been like totally on edge, wondering whatever happened with the broken candy urn. Gayle fixed it for me! I mean, an entire piece is missing, but it’s basically as good as new.
    • (Also, I left a note for Lawrence Grant, the perp, and he took it! Well, someone did. I hope it was Lawrence though because I put candy inside of it.)

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  •  I think Chooch and I are going to try and co-write a post about the Emarosa show we went to on Monday, but we’re currently still in the heart-eyes -palpitations forever stage of things. But I will tell you this: Bradley prefaced our hugs by warning us that he was sick with the flu and was hoping to not get us sick but I was like BRING IT IN anyway because even though I hate hugs, it’s Bradley and he helped bring one of my favorite bands back to life, so…
    • Came to work the next day and practically screamed to Glenn, “BRADLEY HAS THE FLU AND HE HUGGED ME, THANK GOD I DIDN’T GET THE FLU SHOT!” Yesterday, I sincerely thought I was getting a fever, but then today I felt fine. :(
      • I am the fan that bands are wary of. J/K. I’m really not, I swear. I usually just stand behind Henry and cry, so you know, I’m harmless.
  • Thank god Chooch knows when it’s appropriate to steal Henry’s phone and text me:

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  • Chooch brought home a permission slip for someidiotPittwomens basketball game but there are key words highlighted by his teacher, including “in school suspension” and “not invited.” Chooch was like, “I didn’t want to go anyway” and I suggested that we write “LOL basketball is dumb” on the permission slip and send it back but Henry intercepted and took that plan off the plate. I just kept going on andonaboutall of the things we could do with the $5 that we don’t have to spend on this now (like BUY SOME WEED*, BITCHES) until Chooch was crying from laughing so hard and Henry was like STOP ENCOURAGING HIM.
    • *This is funny because I haven’t smoked pot since like 2001 and have no idea what $5 would even get me, aside from laughed at.
      • I’m a terrible parent.

I will end this with a random picture of Chooch and two of his pals wearing my animal masks, because why not.

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  2 Responses to “Novemberuminations”

  1. “Chooch was like, “I didn’t want to go anyway” and I suggested that we write “LOL basketball is dumb” on the permission slip and send it back”

    best.idea.ever. Until they threaten to send you to the magistrate, that is…(don’t forget to turn in an excuse if he’s ever absent. Not that I learned this from experience or anything…

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