Feb 222016

Stop. Bullet-time.

  • One of my lithops (Barbara, to be exact) is hatching! I’m so happy that I have kept these alive long enough to witness this glorious and erotic act of nature. I have some other lithops that are definitely not thriving like these living stones, I’ll tell you that much. I’m sorry, but succulents actually aren’t that easy to maintain, so a big FUCK YOU to whoever started that myth. It’s been a constant struggle for me ever since getting into the whole seedy underbelly of sleazy-sounding plants, but the payoff is rewarding. I fuss over them constantly, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I have my favorites. Like PANNE, who fucking DREW has set her sights on and I feel like all I do is scream at both cats to lay the FUCK OFF my succulents.
  • Chooch thought he had lead poisoning the other day, and we were like YOU DO NOT HAVE LEAD POISONING but then he started reading off the symptoms and I was like “OMG I THINK I HAVE LEAD POISONING?!”

  • A few weeks ago, we attempted to make the first installment of Chooch Chats, which is when I was quickly reminded of the fact that Chooch and I DO NOT WORK WELL TOGETHER and that there is a reason my outlet of choice has always been the written word and not film. So fucking frustrating! Some of my friends are still holding out hope that we will try again, and we almost did this past Sunday, but SURPRISE I was in a horrible mood so that didn’t happen.
    • Also, I asked on Facebook for my friends to submit questions and only one person did so it’s hard to have Chooch answer questions when there aren’t any, lol. (Octavia, he had an answer for yours though!)
    • Notice Drew in the background, sniffing around for succulents. Fuck off, Drew.
      • J/K I LOVE YOU, DREW.
        • But seriously, you’ll be living in he basement if you don’t lay the fuck off my plant-babes.
  • GAYLE gets migraines and has determined that the light around and above her desk exacerbates said migraines, so now she has her sights on MY DESK. She even bought this lumen measuring thing to see how much more depressing it is at my desk than hers. First, she placed it on Amber2’s desk, and it was like 800 lumens, whatever that means. Then she put it on my desk and the count was more than halved. Everyone’s desk measured the same, around 800, but mine! Todd and I even stole the meter from her desk on Friday and re-measured, and sure enough, you’d expect that I work inside a cave in relation to everyone else. “It’s because of your dark aura,” Gayle said. UGH SHUT UP GAYLE.
    • Sike. I know a compliment when I hear it.
      • If I lose my desk, Glenn is going to party.

  • Remember when Henry asked me to marry him and we had the greatest wedding of the entire 80s decade?
  • The only thing getting me through this goddamn winter is all the rad shows peppering my concert calendar. At work today, we had to pass around a calendar to pick our late shifts and I got excited all over again when I saw all the nights I have blocked off because of shows.  Thank god for music, year-round.
    • THE CITIZEN SHOW IS NEXT WEEK AND I’M SO ANTSY WITH ANTICIPATION. I don’t even care that I’m going by myself.
      • I mean, I do care. It sucks to be a loner. BUT IT’S CITIZEN AND TURNOVER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

  • A few weeks ago, we had dinner at Drew’s (no relation to our cat, probably) and by a happy coincidence, it was Greek Night. We only eat at Drew’s once every 8 years, so we did not know that this is apparently a HUGE event for the Forest Hills peeps. That place was rockin’ with old people getting their spanakopita on. Sadly, there were no vegetarian options on the special Greek menu except for a salad and FLAMING CHEESE which I fucking love, so we all ordered regular old American food like racists, and then also ordered the cheese. “Ah, getting a little bit of the Greek in there, I can dig it,” our waiter laughed after we basically snubbed the rest of the Greek menu. I LOVE HIM. For a myriad of reasons. The main being that he wasn’t Henry. We sat there listening to some old man (presumably Drew) travel to every table that ordered the flaming cheese, and then making a HUGE production of setting it aflame and bellowing OPA! So when he finally came to our table, we were ready for a show. Except that there was no entertaining lead-in. Just *fire* and a lackadaisical “Opa” and then a “Don’t touch this part of the plate, it’s hot.” Wow. Who’s the racist now. And then I was super looking forward to the baklava sundae BUT THEY RAN OUT OF BAKLAVA!? Ugh. So Chooch ordered red velvet cake, which all three of us shared because it was gigantic, and this was after we told Chooch he wasn’t allowed dessert because he ate like zero bites of his burger, and then he pouted and decided to punish himself, which is my favorite thing ever, Chooch the Martyr. So Henry wrote Crybaby on his place mat with an arrow pointing to Chooch, and as the evening went on, he added “spoiled” and “big, big” in front of it.

  • Henry saw an ad for a housekeeping position at a private gay club as a second job and I was like OMG PLEASE APPLY. What a great second job that could be for Henry! You know, since LYFT only lasted ONE WEEKEND. Henry’s all talk, you guys. He couldn’t hang.
  • Things I was told last week at work: I’m a wasted talent; I have a dangerous mind; I’m basically a bully.
  • We were listening to a New Jack Swing playlist the other night and I accidentally told Henry that I have the Soul 4 Real CD, twice, in the span of 10 seconds. My memory is a candy-coated raindrop.

  • Oh would you look? It’s Drew and Penelopiss hulking around SUZY BANYON before I moved her someplace higher. I’m sorry, but you don’t fuck with SUZY BANYON.
    • Henry calls Penelope “Penopoly.” LIKE MONOPOLY. So dumb.

  • A few weeks ago, I caught most of the Eagles documentary on CNN. The next day, I mentioned it to Henry, and he was all, “There’s one on Netflix too” and for whatever reason I YELLED, “Oooh, let’s watch it!” Because suddenly I’m a huge Eagles fan? I mean, I like them well enough but certainly not enough to watch two back-to-back documentaries. Anyway, it took me about 35 minutes to realize it was the same one I had watched the night before on CNN, but I still continued to watch along with Henry, because I was waiting for the part when they poached the dude from Poco. I grew up listening to all that shit, so Poco is another band that brings back fond memories of my childhood, even though I think I only know two of their songs. So we’re watching this, and I admitted to Henry that I always thought that the Eagles were always a band, you know? That they all hadn’t previously had music careers with other people, that it was always just The Eagles.
    • After it ended, I told Henry that I DGAF about all those “you might be a douche if you like Hotel California” lists and memes that circulate in Facebook from time to time, because I think that is one of the best songs ever written, and I honestly can’t NOT listen to it in its entirety when I hear it on the radio. “That and ‘Africa’ and ‘In the Air Tonight,'” I added, and Henry just grunted.
      • A few days later, Henry told me he heard that the dude from Poco who joined the Eagles also recorded Africa with Toto! MIND=BLOWN.
        • This reminded me of the time that I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of my Pappap’s kitchen and I was freaking out trying to remember who sang it (this was pre-Shazam, you guys; probably in 2002 when searching the Internet required elbow grease. So I was all stressed out, trying to remember the name of this band, and meanwhile, Henry and I had bought the most delicious cake in the world from Bethel Bakery, a raspberry ambrosia, and I had become obsessed with that cake AND song at the same time, only to find out that the band who sang the song was Ambrosia. I LOVE WHEN THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

  • In the span of one school day, Chooch got detention and accepted into the gifted program. That sounds about right.
    • Apparently, he landed himself in lunch detention for “yelling out” and “being silly” in art. I think he’s at the point where he is collecting detentions as a hobby.
  • Speaking of hobbies! I have been fucked by the inspiration gods these last few weeks and have all kinds of pointless paintings I’m working on!
    • Fun fact: when Kara, Corey and I visited La Hutte Royal a few weeks ago, the docen asked us (and another couple who were also there for the tour) if any of us were artists/involved with art in any way and I casually declined to answer because I do not consider myself an artist. Here is where you would find me shrugging if you peeked through my front window right now. Shrug shrug shrug. But that doesn’t stop me from slapping down paint!


  • Everybody has been flipping out because some Steeler named HEATH MILLER retired and I was like, “Who? Oh.” Then I saw his picture on Facebook and I was like, “Who? Oh.” That’s definitely not who I thought it was. I thought I knew what he looked like, when in fact, I’m fairly certain I have never seen this man in my life. He wasn’t even the same race as the man I was picturing. So.


  • Last week, Jeannie and I had dinner after work with BARB, who was kind enough to grace us with her presence. Barb arrived right in time to start singing along to Blackstreet’s “No Diggity” and I was like, “Man, I miss making fun of her everyday.” Can’t she see how selfish her decision to resign from The Law Firm was?! DID SHE NOT EVEN CONSIDER HOW IT WOULD AFFECT ME!? I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since what I sadly referred to as Mournday. Basically, Jeannie and I just sat there and ate while Barb talked so quickly about everything from her favorite song (“Oh Girl” by the Chi-Lites) to all of the TV shows she watches. Seriously though — it was a really great dinner at Villa Reale and it was awesome as always to see Barb. I think she needs to get out of the house more often, say, from 8am-9am Monday through Friday when she starts driving me to work after the trolley construction begins.
    • After dinner, Barb came back to my house to meet Drew and Penelopiss, and that’s when I learned that she killed the fucking succulent I gave her for her dumb birthday!! Succulents are so fucking easy to maintain, BARB!

OK, I think I’m sufficiently purged. CARRY ON.


  4 Responses to “Meandering Down Memory Lane: Like, Three Weeks’ Worth.”

  1. Cactuses are easy, succulents are delicate male egos that crumble when looked at wrong. My cactuses grown and bloom, but most of my succulents wither and die for no reason. Like ones tgat were previously thriving decide one day “Fuck you! I’m out!”

    • Seriously! I’m tired of reading about how you can basically just stow succulents in a corner and forget about them because that’s not the case with most of mine! I have to constantly inspect and fuss over them. Fallacy!

  2. Fuck, I’m sorry I missed that post, then. :( I would have asked a question.

    Also, I have always killed my succulents because they’re hard to maintain. And I felt bad for killing them accidentally so no more jade plants.

    “In the span of one school day, Chooch got detention and accepted into the gifted program. That sounds about right.”

    That just cracked me up so bad!! He probably only acted up in art because they were making him do something boring.

    “Everybody has been flipping out because some Steeler named HEATH MILLER retired and I was like, “Who? Oh.” ”

    Wow, I did not know this. My love for the Steelers has gone straight down the toilet since Troy Polamalu retired. Thank you for telling me!!!

    • Don’t worry! It was on Facebook. A bunch of people liked it but no one asked a question haha! I think maybe no one thought I was serious, though.

      I’m glad it’s not just me then—-some of my succulents flourish, but most look half dead and then either miraculously spring back or just outright die, lol. Ugh!

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