May 272016


I promise this is it. The last post about Universal. I’ll stick a fork in it when I’m done. But man, this was the best vacation and it came at the perfect time, almost just fell into our lap and you have to know that shit like that never happens to us. It was like being rewarded for making it 36 years without committing homicide or heading a drug cartel.


The third day was chill as fuck. We had already ridden everything by then so we just basically ran amok and re-rode all of our favorites like all of the Harry Potter stuff and that motherloving Mummy Returns ride — seriously, that joint was bomb.

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I would say the highlight of day 3 for me was definitely revisiting Seuss Landing even though Son of the Year started a fight with me right before we got there and then I got super sensitive about it and decided that we were just going to LEAVE so I stormed off in a huff and heard Henry hiss, “APOLOGIZE TO HER” because he didn’t want some ungodly scene to play out in the middle of the most adorable place in Universal, so then Chooch begrudgingly said he was sorry and I wasn’t satisfied with it but I also didn’t want to actually leave so then Henry rang the lunch bell and I snapped out of it because YAY IT WAS TIME TO EAT INSIDE THE SEUSSIAN CIRCUS TENT YOU GUYS!

Henry was so annoyed because the train travels through and everyone waves and of course I too was waving as obnoxiously as possible just to piss off Henry even more. He is sooooo out of touch with Childlike Wonder. It baffles me.

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Here’s a pretty well-known fact about me: I hate SpongeBob. Always have, always will. I honestly just can’t with that piece of shit cartoon, so when Henry rudely pointed out to Chooch that there was a SpongeBob photo op, I wanted to Mexican Necktie him on the spot. Of course the line closed off as soon as we walked over but their liar of a handler said, “two minutes!”

Last time I checked, two minutes wasn’t a synonym for half an hour, but what do I know. #highschooldropout


(Apparently it was because he got two key chains made with the stupid picture. So gross.)


I was totally on board with Sideshow Bob & Krusty though.


Guys this payphone rings every minute or so and if answer it, a random Springfield resident will be on the other line, yelling at you, and it’s awesome. Even Henry partook in some payphonage.

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In conclusion (I’ve been reading too many of Chooch’s school papers), Universal is made of pixie dust and literal win. It is my current favorite theme park of all time and I already decided that I’m going to get a job there. I think it kind of brought us closer as a family because Henry actually rode everything once. Also, I already mentioned this in my Liveblog from the drive home, but we rode the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit (what a horrible name for a coaster though am I right?) and there’s an option to select a song to listen to from a  personal built-in stereo and of course it’s extremely mainstream and limited; Henry and I found out afterward that we both picked Finger Eleven without knowing the other chose it! (We weren’t even sitting together.) Tru luv, I guess.

Tru something.

This place was absolutely mesmerizing and exciting. I just wanted to lay down on the hot pavement and make melted-flesh Angels while giggling maniacally — it was just a crazy euphoria that I can’t wait to experience again.

I’m sure I could forcefully stuff another several paragraphs into this pointless piñata of words, but truth be told, I’m in the car on the way to Michigan and I really just want to dance like I have Tourette’s to my Bled Fest play list which clearly is what Henry wants too in lieu of me quietly blogging in the passenger seat.

I’m feeling really psychotic but in the totally feel-good kind of way.

  One Response to “Universal Studios 3: Can I Go Back Now?”

  1. People were waving!! This will never stop cracking me up!!!

    This vacation ruled. I’m so happy you guys went and that it was so enjoyable specifically for you, in light of Very Bad Things.

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