Apr 212017

Broken record here but Easter is my second favorite holiday after Halloween. It didn’t used to be, and it’s not like I have especially fond childhood memories of Easters past. They weren’t bad, don’t get me wrong! But there were two Easters where I can remember being very ill. Once was in 11th grade – I vomited up a Caesar salad and chocolate milkshake from Denny’s and then proceeded to be down for the count for most of spring break.

I EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I WAS WEARING THAT NIGHT AT DENNYS. Probably because my whole life back then was on video thanks to my camcorder being my trusty sidekick.

(You guys think I oversaturate social media now? Imagine if it was around back then!)

I guess it’s been ever since I became a mom that Easter has been something I look forward to, and of course I’m talking about the Easter bunny and Easter baskets and chocolate and basket grass and absolutely nothing religious at all. (Although it was fun a few years back when we had that pizza party for Jesus Christ on Easter!) Also, Easter is like the true gateway to spring in my opinion.

Easter almost started off terribly because THE EASTER BUNNY DIDN’T COME TO OUR HOUSE and by the Easter bunny I of course mean the Easter dummy – Henry. Chooch and I threw low-grade fits until Henry was like, “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” and took Chooch to Wal-Mart to pick out some small Easter presents and they got me some plants too so CRISIS AVERTED.

Our prizes didn’t come in a basket with candy but we didn’t care because THINGS AND STUFF AND PRESENTS AND GIMME. 

We’re not spoiled or anything. 

Then we put together a small basket for Patty and visited her at the nursing home, where she was sitting outside on the patio with her dad and two other residents, one of whom (Barb) had a fork in her shoe which was the most hilarious thing I saw all day. Apparently, she didn’t even know it was there until Patty pointed to it and asked her is she was planning on shanking someone. It just fell and landed right in the side of her shoe. HOW IS THIS SO FUNNY!?

Anyway, we enjoyed the beautiful sunshine while bullshitting, and Chooch played with the saran wrap that I had half-assedly laid atop his failed galaxy cupcakes that he brought for Patty.

“Look, I’m Dexter,” he murmured, slapping it over his face. This made Barb scream, “OH HONEY NO! OMG NO!” which was wildly funny to me.


Chooch, giving me and old ladies heart attacks since 2006.

Then Chooch got to swipe a post-Mass donut while the pastor’s wife said he was handsome which totally inflated his big head further, and then Patty made good on her promise to play Battleship with him, during which Henry nodded off because when doesn’t Henry nod off.

That’s Barb in the background, having a biblical debate with that dude. They were watching The Greatest Story Ever Told, or The Ten Commandments….or who knows — I couldn’t see that far.

It was nice seeing Patty for a bit that afternoon and while it was tempting to leave Henry there to be treated for narcolepsy, I woke him up when it was time to go.

In the end, it was the right choice, or else I wouldn’t have this divine bowl of japchae for dinner, complete with an Easter egg.

Turns out that Scoops was open, so we ended the night with a walk to the boulevard for some ice cream. Just kidding, we actually ended the night with one of my bi-annual, volatile rants about cops. But then I did some KpopX and we all had a good laugh about my scary temper.


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