The “Headed Back to America Where I Can Use My Phone” Real Time Vacational Blogging Thing

6:29am: We’re on our way out of Toronto and I am so sad! I would totally live here. I feel like this was one of the few times where we came somewhere specifically for a concert but managed to make the most of our time here. This is the first time we’ve been on our car since we got here on Friday! Fuck cars! Toronto’s public transportation is way better than Pittsburgh’s (I mean obviously). 
I am going to have such terrible withdrawal from this weekend. :(

Meanwhile, Halsey’s voice really grates on me sometimes.

6:38am: we just drove past a movie theater and I haven’t heard of one single movie being played. That’s how infrequently I watch TV these days. At first I was kind of horrified that I’m so out of the loop, but now I think I’m glad for it. 

7:35am: “How did the sun get in front of us? It was behind us when we left…” – Pondering, with Head-Scratching Hank

I had to suck it up and get a latte from Starbucks. It’s fine. 

Henry just sneezed and I didn’t say bless you because in Korea, blessing people for sneezing isn’t a thing and I love that because it’s so stupid! Why do we make such a big deal out of sneezing?! Literally, someone got dust in their dumb nose and we’re interrupting our lives to give them a blessing that doesn’t mean shit because none of us are the fucking Pope no matter what the snakes under your bed tell you. 

8:17am: Just drove through Niagara – it costs $22 to park here! We’ve both been to the Falls numerous times so we were like FUCK THAT (THUNDERING WATERFALL) NOISE and also Chooch would probably murder us if we went without him. Sigh. I’m mostly only interested in the Clifton Hill tourist trap area but none of that kitschy shit is open yet anyway so WHO CARES. UGH. 

And now henry is yelling at the GPS which is my favorite part of road trips. #eyerollemoji

8:29am: Came back to US via the Rainbow Bridge this time and it was a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. The Border Patrol guy was so nice and even joked with us and it took maybe 25 seconds to pass. Thanks, G-Dragon. <3

9:21am: Henry needed to pretend like he was earning a Boy Scout badge so we ended up stopping at the US side of the falls where we only paid $3 to park and an additional $2.50 (total) to go on the observation deck and take the elevator down to water. It was terrifying. My legs were shaking but not nearly as bad as they were shaking last night when G-Dragon was within literal feet of me. That will forever be the way I measure my leg-shake-age from now on. On a scale of one to GD. 

10:15am: Stopped at Uncle Joe’s Diner in Hamburg, NY even though one of the Yelp reviews was all ITS TOO FLASHY BOOOOO! We didn’t eat breakfast so I don’t give a shit if they say us next to Liberace in a fucking disco ball, ok, just fucking feed my face. 

10:42am: Oh my sweetly spanked Mussolini, this is the first wrap in about 13 previous wraps that was served to me as advertised. Thank you, Flashy Joe’s. 

Meanwhile I just started crying again because I never thought I’d be that close to g-dragon and henry just sighed, “Great, now the waitress is going to think something is wrong.”

11:22am: AHHH we just drove past a sign for Chatauqua Lake and I’m regaling Henry with stories from when my friend Kim and I went with our friend Liz and her family to their cabin there in 1992 and it spawned so many memories and inside jokes like U Nork and Smrobably and freaking out over Panavision and me listening to my Damn I Wish I Was Lover cassingle constantly on my yellow Aiwa Walkman. 

GOOD FUCKING TIMES. 

Our friend Kelli was supposed to go too but she had chicken pox and WE WERE ALL MAD AT HER ANYWAY SO WHO CARES. 

Oh middle school. 

1:01pm: We’re right outside of Mercer whatever that means. I’ve been AWOL for awhile because I’ve been making Henry rehash every last second of last night’s show like ahhhhhhh. He’s being a good sport about it. He’s excited because he saw three people there that we saw in a card shop in Koreatown on Saturday. (I only spotted one.) Henry is a gold medalist in people-watching. 

2:39pm: Almost home! In Dormont! (That means like 5 more minutes, FYI) Chooch is at the doctor’s office while his grandma is having her weekly therapy and he just called us from the bathroom acting like he was in a hostage situation. “Please come get me!” Lol. We also found out that Janna completely spoiled him rotten all weekend! He’s such a brat. We owe her big time for watching him. HAT TIPS ALL AROUND FOR JANNA!

Oh, and this happened too;

Janna said Chooch chose the podcast. His interests are very diverse. 

Ok I’m ending this now because I want to go in my house, flop on the couch, and start sobbing again about how magical my birthday was. I have the best boyfriend/non-husband.