Aug 302019

I’m always so happy to make it to Friday – doesn’t it feel like a VICTORY? Here are five  things that have happened since last Friday because contrary to popular belief, I actually am back to living  my life in Pittsburgh and not still stuck inside my head with Korea memREEZ. :(


I dragged Henry to Ikea on Saturday because I am sick of a lot of things in our house and we are slowly trying to upgrade all our shit so we’ll eventually be living less like college kids and maybe more like whatever comes after millenials. I can’t keep up with the lingo.

The first thing that I was adamant about replacing was our computer desk. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT THE COMPUTER DESK.

Henry and I bought it at Ikea (“Someone tell these people there are other furniture places out there”) a long ass time ago, definitely before Chooch was born. I want to say possibly 16 years ago. That’s a long-ass time ago so you would probably agree that it needed replaced by now, but in actuality, it needed replaced the VERY DAY WE GOT IT.

So, this desk was like a big kidney-shaped plastic thing that I chose because, well, it looked cool. But it was always an awkward fit and never had a really good place in the house. But in addition to that, the day we brought it home, Henry had all of the pieces out of the box and was perusing the instructions, when MARCY (RIP sweet evil baby) strutted over, jumped onto the dining room table, against which the top of the new desk was leaning, and with one swift flick of her paw, she knocked the desk-top onto the floor.

No big deal, right? WRONG. The desk, like I mentioned before, was made of that dumb Ikea-plastic and was hollow, and when the desk top fell, it landed on something that BROKE THROUGH IT. So from the very first fucking day we had it, there was a hole in the top.

I lived for over a decade using a computer desk that had a hole in it, and of course it was conveniently placed right in the middle where you would be working the most.

A few years ago, Henry had the bright idea to turn the desk around so that the hole would be in the back, but because of the weird shape of it, it made things even worse and super uncomfortable because now one of the desk legs was right in the center so I would bash my legs off it any time I would move in my chair.


Anyway, now we have a basic desk that’s not plastic and also has drawers so I feel like I’m really moving up in life.

Chooch was pissed because Henry put it together without him and he cried, “I wanted to help!” when he burst through the front door upon returning from the Teen Center.

“You did help,” Henry mumbled, “by not being here.”

Wow, sick burn, Handy Hank.

Anyway, the rest of my Saturday was trash because in addition to Ikea, we also went to the mall to buy school clothes and I hate the mall, but that leads me to my next Friday Five….


After I threw a silent fit in Express when Henry reminded me that we were there for Chooch (I keep spelling his name as Choco today) and not Erin, we went to Zumiez for more Chooch-appropriate* fare.

*(Although he did latch on to this one dress shirt at Express that was under a sign that said SALE! $19.50 but then rang up as $49.50 and Henry was like NOPE NOPE NOPE not for my 8th grader who still can’t manage to keep everything in his mouth when he eats so Henry tried to dispute it and they were like “OH JUST SELECT SHIRTS ARE ON SALE AND WE DON’T WHICH ONES UNTIL WE RING THEM  UP” ok Express, that’s not nonsensical at all.)

In Zumiez, Chooch gravitated to this windbreaker-type of color-blocked jacket that was actually pretty cool and I was considering getting it for him when some Zumiez broad came over and gave us her sales spiel followed by, “And just so you know, this is the girls side. The boys stuff is over there” and she pointed to all the ugly stuff.

“Yeah, we know, and we don’t care,” I said, snottily and then decided in that moment that Zumiez would get no business from me if they’re going to deter a boy from wearing pink or whatever.

I was ranting about this to Henry afterward (he wasn’t in the store with us when it happened but it’s not like his presence would have changed the narrative in any way at all, trust), and Mr. Zumiez Apologist donned his White Knight sword, and after clumsily mounting his Man-splainer steed, said, “Well, she probably just said that because girl shirts are cut differ—”



Janna wanted to get ice cream so we met her at Bruster’s Sunday night, and it also kind of doubled as a back-to-school celebration for Chooch, who was running around all weekend, excitedly getting his backpack and supplies together and talking about how much he was looking forward to having homework again, and it was disgusting. Just so gross.

Anyway, back to the point. (I’m overcaffeinated and a loop of 2NE1 videos are playing on my TV which is getting me all hyped.) Chooch ordered Purple Dinosaur in a waffle cone, and the scooper-guy was like, “OK, but that’s going to be three scoops…” you know, just being cautionary about it.

Chooch sucked in his breath and said, “Yikes that’s a lot of scoops. OK, I’ll have…..NY Cheesecake in a waffle cone.”

In a waffle cone.

I just stared at him but he never flinched.

And then I waited for the scooper to hand him the waffle cone triple-jammed with NY Cheesecake for it to dawn on Chooch…

“Shit, it’s still three scoops!” he cried in shock.

Well, YEAH, what did you think, Einstein?! It wasn’t the particular FLAVOR that came with three scoops, it was the WAFFLE CONE.

OMG how can someone so smart be so stupid.

“What made you get NY cheesecake?” I asked after we were all settled at a table. (We tried to make Henry sit by himself at a table by a dumpster but he wouldn’t.)

“I was panicked when I had to choose another flavor so I just got this one!” Chooch said with Sadness-Tinged Exasperation, the flavor of the month at the Ordering Remorse Scoop Shop.

“What was Purple Dinosaur, anyway?” Henry asked.

“I don’t know!” Chooch scoffed haughtily in case we needed a reminder that he’s a recently-minted teenager. (OOH ANOTHER FLAVOR!?)

Found out later on Instagram that it’s just PURPLE-DYED VANILLA. Oh, he would have been so pissed if he wound up with triple vanilla.

Then we went to Giant Eagle for some last minute school lunch staples and Chooch was obviously super sugar-rushed after eating all three scoops while complaining about having to eat three scoops (being a kid is so hard) and I was super giddy too just because I almost always am and we caused so many scenes which Henry just loves, let me tell you. When we were in the parking lot leaving, I pointed to some guy who had the misfortune of being in the same aisle as us several times, and I said, “That guy hates us.”

Henry mumbled, “hate you…”

Wow. Ouch.


Oh, the sadness!

We ended it the way we started it – full circle at Parker’s, our favorite local breakfast joint. I just can’t give this place enough accolades! The owners are so goddamn down to earth and they make you feel special. Luke always remembers stuff about us; gave Chooch dating advise (“just talk to them, don’t date them!” and “tell them you’re well-traveled!”) and both of us complimentary chocolate chip cookies; and told us a little about the bar he’s opening in the old Zippy’s location, which sounds like it’s going to be awesome and finally a decent drinking spot for the people in Brookline who, you know, aren’t white trash.

I almost always get the Little Miss Sunshine bagel sandwich, with sprouts, egg whites, avocado, tomato and mayo – it’s so satisfying! Chooch lately has been opting to build his own but then always remembers the things he wanted to add after the sandwich is already in front of him.

ANYWAY, it’s just a feel-good place, OK? We feel like we’re part of something cool when we go there, but not when Henry is with us. Henry ruins it.


You guys, the most adorable thing happened. Chooch got a thank you card from the neighborhood Corgi, Spencer! We brought him some toys and treats back from Korea because why not, and his owner Bob is just the nicest guy ever, very Mr. Rogers-esque, which makes them kind of like a power duo. And the stamp Spencer used had a metallic orange dragon on it and an Asian temple!

Well, guys. That’s all I got. We leave tomorrow morning for our Kentucky Kingdom / Holiday World road trip so I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight!

Say it don't spray it.

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