Oct 212019

We’re* on this quest to get Chooch to hit the 100 coaster milestone by the end of the year because I love living my life like a rabbit in a perpetual chase with a carrot on a string so I always need some type of inane goal to strive for — and now I’m dragging Chooch down into my, well, rabbit hole with all the strung-up carrot medals I’ve caught over my lifetime.

*(And just so you know, that “we’re” up there does not even remotely include Henry.)

It’s really cute though because Chooch has a legit Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all the coasters he’s ridden, and we’re all nerdy about manufacturers and all that extraneous information that normal people don’t give a shit about. Additionally, Chooch has quickly learned the nightmare that is Excel, so welcome to the club, sonny boy!

So what happened was: two weeks ago, Chooch off-handedly mentioned that he didn’t have piano lessons that coming Sunday, and I didn’t have my language exchange hang-out that Saturday, which meant: FREE WEEKEND! Not that either of those things are drags, but since we didn’t have any obligations, I yelled, “WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE!” *looked at list of Cedar Fair parks within driving distance* “LET’S GO TO KING’S DOMINION!”

Henry was very “…………………” about this impromptu plan, and then used his frown as a jump rope when I said, “I’ll help you drive” because he knows THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN. How can I liveblog or look for the faces of Kpop idols in the clouds if I’m stuck behind the steering wheel?! But then he eventually came around because he wants nothing more than to see his precious family happy. LOL, also he’s afraid of us.

Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend at King’s Dominion! Buying those Cedar Fair Platinum Passes was the best idea ever and I’m so glad it was mine (sike, it was actually Henry’s if you can believe it). Here are some pictures of the scenery and our dumb mugs! Ride recap will be separate.

I was obsessed with the fake chandeliers hanging from the fake Eiffel Tower so I took a picture of it pretty much every time we walk by.

Don’t mind me.

Coasterhead sefie. I think this was when Henry was in the bathroom because he immediately had to pee as soon as we got there which was annoying since we hate waiting for him.

It was such a beautiful day! The temperature was perfect pumpkin patch autumn degrees, whatever that would be. High 60s? Sure! Let’s go with that.

So, King’s Dominion is the sister park to King’s Island, but I thought this one was much prettier. Maybe it was the heavy Halloween-vibes that helped but it was just a really pleasant atmosphere. Also, Virginians are grossly nice so that really added…something.

CANDY APPLE GROVE! How fucking adorable. I love apples and I love candy but I do not love candy apples. However, this area of the park was just too precious, even with all the killer clown shit set up.

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(Clowns don’t scare me, sorry!)

This area was really cool at night.

Unlike Cedar Point though, their Halloween soundtrack was NOT great. I’ll let that slide though because I’m feeling generous.

“Stand over there by the cartoon penises, Son.”

I mean, “mushrooms.”

After this picture was taken, I mentioned that we had basically gone all day without fighting but then Chooch was like, “You and dad literally fought the moment we got here” and that wasn’t a real fight, that was just me talking to Henry in the tone that I always talk to him with: exasperation in a coat of disgust topped with a beret of repulsion.

But honestly, it was because he took a dumb picture that I didn’t like so I had to take some time out of the day to berate him. It wasn’t a fight!

You would think that the combination of haunted houses and amusement parks would be like the ultimate October orgasm for me but honestly, when I’m at these parks, the rides win out! I do enjoy experiencing the foggy atmosphere at night though, but not enough to wait in 2-hour lines for so-so haunts. I’m really picky when it comes to haunted houses!

I do wish that the line for the antique cars wasn’t a billion years long though because they had actual scare actors along the track!

Chooch wasn’t impressed with Grizzly the coaster but he loved Grizzly the Stuffed Bear in the gift shop and demanded that I take his picture even though I was trying to hide from Henry, but whatever.

Ugh, I love it.

LOL hey look who’s back.

Some weird musical performance called Heads Will Roll which was cool for a second but then felt a bit too High School Musical for me and I realized that I was wasting precious rollercoaster-riding time standing there.

Oh snap, I forgot that I got mad at Henry here too for not being able to take pictures in the dark.

Me firing off death threats at Henry through gritted teeth.

OH HELLO AGAIN. I loved how sinister it looked at night!



Waiting for one of the sections to open so we could not-run to Twisted Timbers. There’s a “no running” policy at King’s Dominion and people ACTUALLY OBEY IT!? Chooch and I actually got yelled at by a janitor when we were fast-skipping to the Bad Apple ride.

“No running,” she mumbled so we slowed to a walk for a second until she was past us and then continued running because we’re hoodlums.

I don’t why but this picture makes me laugh because we look like robots that just had their batteries die.


“So, if you lean, you automatically win?” Chooch mused out loud when we walked past this game.

“What?” I asked, trying to figure out how he got that misinformation.

“Like, if I just go over there and lean over the side, I’ll win?

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” he asked.

“No!” I laughed. “Is that what you think ‘forfeits’ means?!”


That clown in the white dress on the see-saw looks just like some bitch I went to school with.

On Day One, Henry was wearing one of his super ugly Rip-It work shirts and I was so embarrassed. On Day Two, he wore a plain blue long-sleeved shirt, Michael Myers-approved, so I was much less embarrassed to be seen with him.

Had to make time for our traditional carousel ride.

I don’t know how this started, taking family portraits on carousels, but I think it’s so much fun and I’m glad that we do it!

I only started riding carousels a few years ago because I’ve always had a fear of getting stuck on the horses. In fact, when we went to Dollywood in 2011, I was paralyzed with fear when the ride stopped and Henry had to practically pull me off the horse. I honestly thought I was going to fall off on my head.

We get along sometimes.

What a great weekend! I’ll be back with more pictures of some coasters and some highlights but honestly, aside for ridiculous food prices (I had a garden salad at one of the pizza places that cost $12 and it was the same kind that Henry buys me at Aldi’s for $3), I have no complaints about this park. Hopefully we’ll have a chance to go back next summer too!

A few days later, I tried to gaslight Henry into thinking that I drove home for an hour that day and he was like, “…..

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no you didn’t” and I said, “Yeah, I did, you just don’t remember because you were sleeping in the passenger seat” and I think he actually started to believe me for a split second but then came to his senses.

Say it don't spray it.

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