This day had a super weak start. Chooch was crying about wanting some stupid Starbucks fruit drink and even though I hate Starbucks, like, it will be the my last resort of we’re out somewhere and I need coffee (this usually just happens on the driving part of roadtrips, and since everyone’s default Christmas or birthday gift is a Starbucks card, I usually at least never have to pay for it with my own money!). Luckily, we have three real, non-chain cafes within walking distance, plus a Dunkin’ Donuts for when I feel like slumming it so I’m set.
However, Chooch is being brainwashed by The Family Next Door (ie his brother and fam). Blake and Haley BOTH work at Starbucks and are extremely loyal to that bottom barrel chain. They will occasionally bring home stupid ass fruit beverages in exchange for Chooch’s babysitting services so now he’s hooked and desperately wanted one Wednesday night, so I promised him we would walk to the closest one (where Blake works) and he could get his stupid ass drink.
It’s about a 25 minute walk, and we stopped at the cool wooden playground in Dormont on the way to sit down and figure out our order on the stupid app that I had to get to store my stupid gift cards, ugh, stupid Starbucks. There was some little bitch at the playground called Fiona and we know that because her mom kept saying in a way that made me feel like she bragging that she named the bitch Fiona? Like, OK? Good for you, now cook on, ya dumb Shrek-stan.
Then some grandpa got all flustered because “too many people” were there now (coincidentally, he started spouting off about this right as Chooch and I arrived and sat down) and kept telling a kid in a stroller that it was time to go but then they weren’t actually leaving, they were just standing there while he kept wringing his hands and talking about how crowded it was and literally there were like 8 people there and it’s a really big playground and no one was any closer than 20 feet and also most of us were wearing masks (HE WASN’T). We literally weren’t even swinging on the monkey bars or breaking a sweat near any other human, we were sitting on a bench and ordering Starbucks!
BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE COVID STUFF.
After we placed the order, we walked across the street to the shopping center where Starbucks is. I haven’t ever visited a Starbucks since the pandemic started, so I’m not sure if all the stores like this but there are green X’s outside the door with one tall table in the middle for the barista to come out and place the drinks. When we got there, some young-ish (in his 20s and did not appear to be overtly MAGAesque in any sense) was leaning against the table, bandanna half-assedly covering his face, telling a barista that his order was wrong. So she was like, “OK I will fix that” like wow what a shocker, we get there and immediately witness a Starbucks fuckup. A Starfucks.
No, that didn’t work. We won’t use that again.
Anyway! Dude pulls his bandanna down and GOES INTO THE STORE. Like, face-naked Just strolls into Starbucks like it’s 2019 and he’s showing off his bare mouth & nostrils to the world, like HERE I AM, VIRUS! He goes right up to the counter and starts paging through some menu thing while he’s standing there. There were two girls standing outside with us (way ore than 6 feet away) also waiting for their drinks, and they were screaming, “OMG NOW HE’S TOUCHING SHIT!” and basically Myron Coping his every move. Then he started rubbing his face. And not just like a gentle stroke with a pad of two or three fingers, but fully palming his face with both hands and aggressively scrubbing like he was taking a dry shower in the middle of Starbucks, in the middle OF A PANDEMIC where we are told over and over NOT TO TOUCH OUR FACES.
THEN HE STARTED COUGHING. OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Blacklist this guy from Starbucks—nay, society—STAT.
Ugh, and then my drink (some kiwi bullshit) was basic at best and I was like THANKS A LOT CHOOCH, but he loved his stupid ass fruit drink so whatever.
“Fiona’s still there,” Chooch casually pointed out when we passed the playground. “Let’s have a Fiona’s Over party.” Fuckin’ Fiona.
When we made it back to Dormont about 15 minutes later, we ended up behind that dumb grandpa and his dumb grandkid-in-a-stroller. “Ha, you caught up to us!” he laughed and I was like WOW YOU’RE TALKING TO US COVID CARRIERS. Sike, he was actually pretty jovial and we were the ones wearing masks, not him, so…
So all of that happened in the morning. We came home and I read for a bit and who knows what else I did, that was practically a week ago. I do know that when Henry came home from work, we had to go to Chooch’s new school to pick up his laptop since he’s cybering it for at least the first semester. That went off without a hitch (except for when Henry made 87 wrong turns because I guess he’s not as professional of a driver as he’d like some of us to believe.
Since we were in Oakland and that’s close to Southside, we ordered takeout from ZENITH because it’s been a minute since I stuffed my face with some of their glorious homemade vegetarian food. All three of us ordered the Toficken sandwich because everyone has to copy me. Henry thinks he’s so fucking special because now when he orders from there, they know who he is since I’m Instagram pals with the people who own the place and he gets this dumb schoolboy giggle. Anyway, they asked how the kitchen is coming along, which made me laugh.
Wouldja just look at this big boy, though? Shit.
OK, I’m gonna split for now and come back later with part 2, which is full of so much DRAMA and ACTION, you’ll be wondering when the Lifetime movie is coming out. And more importantly, if Kristy McNichol will come out of retirement to play Henry!