Obligatory “I can’t believe summer is almost over” statement. And copy/paste “How is it September already???” sentiment.

But yeah, here were are. Nearly on the other side of summer and not to be dramatic but this has been the worst summer of my life and I am happy to move away from it. Drew, I miss you. I cry for you every day. I am so traumatized. Meanwhile, a YouTube video is playing right now from an expat who lives in Seoul and I just got even more upset – what a whirlwind this year has been, for better or worse. I know that the Korea piece of the year also plays a part in my emotional turbulence because I was so happy being there and then so depressed leaving and I was still coping with those emotions too when Drew died and now I am left sitting on my couch on this random Sunday morning, with a growing lump of sadness in my throat and tears flooding my sight-balls.

In therapy last week, we decided that EMDR needs to be started sooner rather than later in order to move my traumatic loop of Drew dying into the back of my brain / long term memory, and my therapist asked me to choose a “happy place” to send myself at the end of the sessions so that if we don’t finish, I don’t leave her office in some crazed, fragmented state. I would have thought that my subconscious would send me to Korea but instead, I was sitting in the corner of the sectional in my Pappap’s den, and that makes the most sense. Korea is my happy place – sure, but it would break my brain trying to decide which part of it to insert myself, while my Pappap’s den is full of happy Saturday night TV / sleepover memories and it’s also 100% my safe place. Korea is sensory overload. Pappap’s den is soothing, quiet, warm, dark (in a good way). But thinking about this later made me realize that I am lucky to have two very different “happy places” to choose from, and that is what I am trying to focus on these days. Little things that are good and that I should be thankful for. Maybe collecting these little pieces will help put me back together.

OK, mental health check-in is out of the way. Here’s some leftover pictures, etc. from the month:

Saw these girls on the way to check on Pam’s cat last week and I had to do a doubletake because I thought it was Paris & Nicole, filming an episode of the Simple Life here in Simple Brookline. The first time I walked past them, they were standing up and one of them had her hands on her lower back and was slightly bent back like she was preparing to shoot her ennui into the sky and the other one just had a look of sheer disgust on her perfectly contoured face.

Yesterday, Henry and I drove to Freeport in order to check out a new bakery that opened last weekend, called Vivian’s. I found out about it because it’s down the street from that cafe we went to Memorial Day Weekend when Drew was still alive, and the cafe had posted about it in their IG story. I was sad coming back out there knowing that the last time we did, Drew was still alive but I know that I have to also stop doing this because it’s not helping me move on.

Anyway, the sole reason I wanted to go is because they have cinnamon knots which looked similar to the Scandinavian cinnamon rolls we had become obsessed with last summer on our coaster trip.

Thoughts:

• the bakery is small and got crowded REAL QUICK. There was a woman standing behind me who was attempting to become my earring I think, with the way she was practically resting her chin on my shoulder, she WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE. Back up, please. We are not friends. And even if we were, BACK THE FUCK UP PLEASE.
• it’s family-run and everyone was soooo pleasant, even in spite of the Internet going down and having to scramble to find ways to take credit card payments. I felt for them! Luckily, Henry had cash on him.
• the croissant was a darkhorse!! It didn’t have the traditional French croissant look to it, and I wanted to get it to just to see. It was DELICIOUS. So unexpectedly buttery and soft with crunchy ends. I loved it and am going to have to get my ass back there soon for more.
• the knot was good but not exactly the same as the kinds we had in Denmark, Sweden, Finland. I think it was because we were gravitating toward the cardamon ones on that trip and obviously those ones had a different taste. These were still good though!
• Henry got a snickerdoodle and declared that it was the best one he’s ever had, and he is a connoisseur so this is high praise. I too enjoyed it.
• the traditional cinnamon roll!!! Soooooo decadent and some of the BEST cream cheese icing I’ve ever had. 10/10 will be back.

Speaking of sweet treats, we stopped at this random convenience store after we left Camden Park last weekend (still need to recap that, I am so behind on everything in life) because I saw the DONUTS sign and was interested. I always say I’m not the biggest fan of donuts yet somehow I always find myself eating donuts.

I had low expectations.

But whoa – hello! I got a glazed and it was one of the BEST glazed donuts I’ve ever had. Henry got a “barvarian” (he always mispronounces it and it is so grating) and then we also got a maple one to share. Chooch got a strawberry filled or something and didn’t let us try it so I can’t comment on that, but the maple donut was so heavy! It was PACKED with fluffy vanilla cream and while it was good, it truly didn’t need to be filled. The actual maple donut portion was delicious and satisfying on its own. The filling actually put me into sugar shock a ‘lil bitz. (That’s how I would have said it if I was saying it to Drew.)

Yeah, if you ever find yourself in Huntingdon, WV (why, I don’t want to know), don’t sleep on these donuts. They were truly worth the stop.

Peenlop <3

I bought this matcha kit from my fave YouTuber Ur Mom Ashley and it’s been fun making matcha lattes at home!

Additional things:

• At my dentist appointment last week, some older woman started chatting me up in the waiting room and it went from talking about her PINK-brand water bottle to her brother’s ability to make jokes in any situation “for example, when my son was having brain surgery…..” to the events leading up to her son’s need for brain surgery (he is OK now!) to me loving Kpop and getting married in Korea to her fear of flying and even driving over bridges. It was crazy. We were just sitting there, turned towards each other, chatting our faces off and I was like, “Wow, is this what it was like pre-smart phones when strangers used to actually talk to each other to pass the time?? It wasn’t so bad, honestly.
• Also at my dentist appointment, the hygienist asked me if I chew tobacco!?!?!? I said, “No…….why?” and then she goes, “Do you suck on lozenges or anything?” and I said, “Yes, I like butter scotches and other hard candies…..?” and she followed-up with, “Do you typically keep them sitting on this side of your mouth?” I said yes and she goes, “OK, well….maybe move them around from now on.” LOL ok but WHY WOULD CHEWING TOBACCO BE YOUR FIRST GUESS?!!? Do I look rough?!
• Chooch and I are 4 episodes into the last season of Umbrella Academy. He would have had the whole thing binged the day it was released if it weren’t for me slowing him down. I just can’t sit for that long! Also, it’s the last season and this is one of my favorite TV shows so I’m trying to savor it. As usual, I have NO IDEA what is going on but I love it so much.
• Aside from walking, I haven’t been able to exercise since Drew died. Working out every day was such a routine for me, something I never really thought about, and now I am just in NO SHAPE because the thought of laying out my mat on the floor even remotely near where Drew died makes me hyperventilate. We have been talking about that too in therapy. I thought that maybe if I tried to do either some different exercise or maybe something that I haven’t done in a long time, that would help. Also doing it in a different section of the room. So, Friday I tried to do the old Kukuwa African dance workouts that I had started doing in the beginning of the pandemic and so far it has been OK because I don’t directly associate this with Drew like I do Grow With Jo or Give Me Five Thailand, or even MadFit. Definitely can’t do Jillian. Trying to ease back into a routine and even just typing this has me gagging on my ugly tears, I am so fucked up.  But anyway, I know I must have really been out of shape because I am so sore today.

I hate feeling like this.