I scheduled last Wednesday off a work last week in an effort to siphon as much remaining quality time with Chooch-Soon-To-Be-At-College as possible. I had a bigtime bee in my bonnet about going to Cedar Point and he was a big walking UGH about this because “it’s so far away” (<  3 hours, get over it) but he eventually acquiesced because deep down, he loves mommy.

We only spent a half day there and it was A REALLY GOOD DAY (read: NOT CROWDED) but it was also pretty uneventful. So, this should be a quick recap.

Chooch and I split driving responsibilities on the way there. I had the first shift and he watched a movie on his laptop (Silence of the Lambs, which I can’t believe he had never seen before, I failed him as a horror parent) and I listened to Seventeen with full, unabashed abandon. It was a really nice and peaceful drive, honestly. (Except for when we switched driving responsibilities and I was able to look at my phone and see that Taeil had been removed from NCT because of a FUCKING SEX CRIME he’s currently being investigated for so that was fucked.)

When we arrived, the lot was barely crowded but HOO BOY for only allegedly being 82 degrees that day, it felt like 100. The sweat practically began dripping down my back almost immediately while walking through the lot. The one thing about Cedar Point is that there is really not much shade to be had.

We had a nice start to the day on Millie, maybe even one of the best rides I’ve had on that, but then we got stuck on the brake run while the ride attendants cleaned up puke from the exit platform and the empty train that was now chilling in the station. I wonder, in hindsight, if it was the broad who I saw while waiting in the station who was drinking a beer. I mean, it was nearly noon at that point so I guess no judgment but SHIT, it was so hot and I can’t imagine drinking a beer and immediately getting on a giga coaster, or any ride, on ANY type of day really. I rarely drink at amusement parks in general, honestly, but you do you I guess.

After this, we speed-walked to Maverick, which had a 45 minute posted – this would actually be pretty short on a regular day at CP but I was kind of hoping for something shorter on this random Wednesday during the last full operating week of the season, but whatever.

Well, it actually ended up being only 20 minutes!! That line flew, we never stopped moving, and 100% it was because of the lack of the Fastlane holders. That (and the fact that Maverick is notorious for breaking down frequently) is a huge part of the reason why this line is always so fucking long on a regular day. I was giving Henry updates the whole time, like, “We’re almost to the steps and it’s been less than 20 minutes!” and I hope he was sad that he didn’t have the balls to call off work. Little bitch.

Anyway, I am going to be a hater and just put this out there – I don’t really care much for Maverick. Maybe it’s because there is so much frustration that comes with it on every trip we take out there (most times we don’t even get to ride it because I don’t have the stamina to wait that long) but it honestly just hurts my head.

After this, we tried to ride SteVe but the Entrance Warden busted me trying to sneak in my fanny pack wrapped and folder under my arm and said I had to put it in a paid locker, which pissed me off because it fits in the free lockers inside the ride line and usually Henry will stick it in his cargo shorts pocket. I refused to pay for a locker, so we passed on SteVe and then I sent Henry a torrent of texts blaming this blight on him. “Tell Chooch to put it in his pocket!” he texted back, but Chooch was wearing these, I don’t know what they were, cotton leisure shorts with shallow pockets.

We decided to move on and try it again later, so we went on Gemini and sat behind Gemini’s Biggest Fan who was doing all kinds of creepy Jesus posturing and poses throughout the whole ride and I sort of felt proselytized by proxy into his branch of coaster crazies. The name he gave me was Jojo Roll, in case you need to put together a search and rescue mission one day.

After this, I was like, “CHOOCH, CAN WE PLEASE EAT LUNCH BEFORE I DIE” and he was like, ‘I’M NOT HUNGRY BUT FINE.” I was running on the fumes of a breakfast protein drink and needed solids, bigly.

But then on our way to food, we saw that the line for Wild Mouse was nearly a station wait?! IT HAS NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS FOR US! We always wait at least 45 minutes for this bitch! So, lunch had to wait.

This Wild Mouse is actually so much fun. My only gripe is that it really feels shorter than most coasters of this type!? And that even though by the time it was our turn, there were only around 8 other people in line but they still sat us with 2 other people.

I kept checking the weather app on my phone because it felt so much hotter than 81/82 degrees, honest to god.

But we got a reprieve inside the….fuck, I always forget the name of that big pavilion that replaced our beloved Spaghetti Noodle (née Wicked Twister). It’s annoying to me that instead of putting a good quality vegan/vegetarian protein option on the menu, CP bitches out by having a “Sides” meal where you can pick three sides instead of a protein FOR THE SAME PRICE THOUGH. I mean, that doesn’t seem like a great deal to me but it’s either this or go get pizza from some other place for the same price.

However, I will say that the sides are actually pretty good. That cucumber salad was DELICIOUS.

Chooch got strawberries instead of the cucumbers.

I was extremely full after eating all of this so I guess it is a pretty good deal after all.

Afterward, we immediately rode the Wild Mouse again lol. And then the atomic scrambler for our first time!?

I can’t stress how much I love the boardwalk area. They place the BEST music here. The scrambler was playing stuff that I have on my UltraLounge CDs!!

The ride op was kind of weird though. Chooch and I had to wait for the current cycle to finish – there was only one car occupied with three little girls, and after the ride ended, the ride op started yelling instructions to them on how to unlock the seat. The girl sitting next to the actual lock thing was the youngest out of all of them – maybe 6?! And she could NOT figure out what he was telling her, so then her dad was also yelling directions at her and she was getting frustrated, and then the girl furthest away had to try to lean across the other two to unlock it and the whole time, Chooch and I were saying out loud, “Why doesn’t the guy just walk over there AND DO IT FOR THEM???”

Anyway, she was crying by the time they got off the ride and even though it is in my nature to always take the side opposite a child in distress, I was actually on her team this time. That was kind of fucked up. And then I was so nervous about this lock situation that I made Chooch sit on that side so that he could deal with it.

AND WHEN THE RIDE ENDED, HE HAD ALREADY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE SIDE LOCK AND I WAS LIKE, “CHOOCH, DON’T MAKE HIM YELL AT US!”

To be clear, the ride op wasn’t actually yelling out of meanness or anger – he was just yelling to be heard and was a pretty chill young guy but also apparently lazy if he couldn’t just walk around and unleash riders himself?!

End of season apathy I guess.

Magnum time!!! I think the first row of the last car is my absolute favorite.

Just me trying to make memories, etc!

Then we had SteVe redemption!! Chooch stuffed my fanny pack in his pocket and we managed to slide right past the guy manning the entrance – the militant woman wasn’t there this time and the guy wasn’t even looking at us so it was super easy. IT WAS THE SHORTEST LINE I HAVE EVER BEEN IN FOR STEVE!! We breezed past the Fastlane attendant and made it all the way to ALMOST where the line splits for lockers / non-lockers. IYKYK.

And as expected, my fanny pack fit in the locker with no issue, rolled up into a little ball. I was reading about this controversy afterward on Reddit and most people seem to subscribe to my theory that this is just another CP cash-grab, an excuse for making people pay for lockers even though free ones are available in the line when they know damn well that small waist bags fit in there. But then I also saw that the “real reason” provided by CP staff is that “straps of waist bags can slip down into the locker and jam it”?? My straps aren’t even hanging off the thing because I unclipped it and wrap the straps all the way around the bag. There is nothing dangling off.

Anyway, our first ride was in the backrow and it was amazing. Every time I ride SteVe, I’m like, “OK, forget what I said, this is still my #1.”

We cheated the system and left our stuff in the free lockers afterward and immediately ran back in line because it was still non-existent. HOWEVER. WE FUCKED UP. It is a known fact amongst SteVe experts that the line for locker users has historically been shorter than the line for people who don’t need the lockers. (The line splits into two at the “need a locker?” checkpoint – if you don’t need one, you keep going to the right. If you do need one, there is a different line on the left that you can get back into after you’re done in the locker area. This line was the old Fastlane line and it is SHORTER IN LENGTH than the other line so it makes sense that you’d be waiting less!!)

Since this time we didn’t have anything on us that required a locker, we were relegated to the right-side lane, but then I heard the people behind us – who had done the same thing as us by getting off the ride and running right back into line – ask the line attendant if they could get into the left line even though they didn’t a locker because it’s faster. The line guy just shrugged and said, “I don’t know if it’s faster, but sure go ahead.”

THEY GOT ON THE RIDE SO MUCH FASTER THAN US! I swear to god, that right line moves like molasses!! So even though it was still a shorter wait than we would usually have for SteVe, it was so frustrating to see people who were behind us in line going to get a locker, and then passing us by in the left line.

Then a new ride attendant was manning the station – a woman this time – and gave us the biggest, nastiest look of resigned disgust when we asked if we could wait for the front. She let us, but not without making us feel like the scum of the earth. Look, on a crowded day, we wouldn’t have asked BUT the queue for the front car is purposely built out to account for larger lines?! And there were only two couples waiting in that line, anyway, but go off, lady.

But yeah, back to back rides on SteVe in less than 45 minutes? Unheard of. I was so happy.

We rode Magnum again, this time all the way in the back and that was a mistake, lol. My thighs were immediately bruised. I do love that fucking ride though and the station theme music makes me feel like I could roller skate up a hill.

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Chooch wanted to leave after this but then I saw that Raptor had a zero minute wait and gave him pleading eyes, so he said, “OMG FINE” like I’m the kid in this sitch. I had to send this picture to Henry because HOLY SHIT THERE IS NO ONE IN THE SWITCHBACKS? We literally WALKED ON, you guys. Got up to the station and walked right onto the back row. Glorious.

After this, we had a beautiful ride on Gatekeeper after a station wait and I finally agreed that we could leave. Sigh. It was around 5, but I would have happily stayed until the park closed at 8 because I truly wasn’t ready to leave yet. But Chooch was like, “We did what we came to do and now it’s time to go home.” Wow OK dad.

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I thought it was fitting that Summer Breeze was playing in my favorite boardwalk area at the end of our day at Cedar Point. Sometimes I hate Cedar Point, but it was so magical on this day.

On our way home, we stopped at a nearby Biggby for some coffee and that was a weird experience watching a gaggle of young teen girls work chaotically on too many orders at once and we thought for sure ours were going to be fucked but they were both delicious and it made me sad that we don’t have any of these joints closer to home because I would go there weekly.

TO CONCLUDE: It was a really nice day spent with my kid who is leaving for college in less than a week at the time of this posting. I am so glad that I was able to take some time off work here and there to make these last minute summer memories with him. GOTTA GO CRY IN A DARK ROOM NOW, FEEL FREE TO CRY ALONG WITH ME, ARGENTINA.

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