Would you believe that I was born and raised in Pittsburgh but have never been to Idlewild Park until my FORTY-FIFTH YEAR OF LIFE?! I have no idea why my family never went here when my sibs and I were growing up – it’s only an hour away and it’s the sister park to Kennywood and apparently, at least this year, it has the distinction of being the “best children’s park in the US.” LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, THANKS.

A really fun fact that I would be remiss to mention is that I actually could have gone here in my early twenties, pre-Chooch, when Henry’s mom organized an Idlewild outing for the WHOLE FAMILY (Henry and his kids, and his sister and her family) but I was still the outlier, the homewrecker, etc. at that time so I was not invited and instead stayed home by myself, crying, getting drunk off of Manischevitz (classy), and taking depressing goth-centric photos of myself on my digital point-and-shoot cam because this was 2002 after all. I don’t think MySpace was around yet, but LiveJournal certainly was and I would bet everything in my Cure collection that I posted those pics on there in modern “lady on a fainting couch” fashion.

Anyway, this is where we chose to go on Labor Day because Henry put his foot down when I begged to go away for the weekend.

After Henry blew a gasket in the parking lot because as usual he chose the wrong lane to get into and the person in front of required an exorbitant level of assistance, like, was the parking booth attendant guy spoon-feeding him porridge too?! And then when it was finally our turn, the attendant held his hand out of the booth to stop us because some DILDO DAD drove through the parking entrance, PARKED, and then WALKED OVER TO THE BOOTH TO PAY. Bro, that is not how this works! So yeah, Henry was spitting speckles of hatred all over the windshield and instead of being on his side, this just made me angry because I am generally disgusted when Henry gets mad and starts complaining loudly about stupid things. So, that’s how our nice family day at a little kid amusement park started, lol.

First up (after Henry had to pee of course and I admired cutie squirrels) was Rollo Coaster which was nice and docile, a really great intro to the coaster world for young kids.  The ride op was like “I WANT TO GO TO THAT PARK -THEIR WILD MOUSE IS TALLER THAN OURS” as he was checking my seat belt and I had no idea what he was going on about until I remembered that I was wearing my Shivering Timbers shirt from Michigan’s Adventure.

(P.S. The aforementioned Wild Mouse was CLOSED FOR THE SEASON for refurb so this was the only credit available for Chooch on this visit UGH.)

Then it was #carouselfie time! Chooch was chagrinned because it was his turn to take it and this is one of his least favorite things in life but JUST WAIT UNTIL HE’S LIVING AWAY FROM MOMMY AND DADDY and then I bet he will start to appreciate these little, dorky traditions. RIGHT??

This was a huge step up from that dumpy carousel at Camden, that’s for sure.

This is definitely the one that will be framed and hung on the #carouselfie wall!

After this, we walked across a bridge to the little-little kid area.

We rode the train! There was DRAMA. When the train made it to one of the stations and stopped in order to let people off and new people get on, this man pictured below in the gray WV shirt tried to walk past the caboose. “Whoa, you can’t go back there!” the train attendant, also pictured below, said.

“I dropped my hat back there, I’m just going to go and grab it,” he said it, attempting to shoulder past the old man.

“That’s restricted area! I can’t let you go back there!” the old Idlewild guy reiterated, which made the WV Dad belligerent.

“I just need to grab a hat! YOU CAN SEE IT FROM HERE!” he shouted, jabbing an aggravated finger toward a plot of grass next to the train tracks.

This went on for quite some time while the train guy was trying to get everyone off and on the train. He kept saying he would get it for him, but to please be patient. Now WV Dad’s wife was turning around in her seat toward the middle of the train (what was the rush – they were staying on the train anyway!!) to see what was going on and WV Dad literally (LITERALLY!!) said loudly, “Sorry, I’m not ‘allowed’ to get the hat. I’m getting yelled at.”

To which the train guy snapped back in an exhausted, resigned tone, “I’m not yelling at you, I’m just saying that I can’t let you go back there. We have a procedure that needs to be followed.”

It was actually the epitome of second-hand embarrassment. The way this guy was acting SO PUT OUT over being told he had to FOLLOW THE RULES. Jesus Christ.

Ofc I have a video:

He “lost” his seat because people coming on the train took it and that was another crisis. The way he snatches the hat from the old guy at the end just really boiled my blood though. Get over yourself. THIS DIDN’T EVEN TAKE ANY TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY SINCE THEY WERE STAYING ON THE TRAIN ANYWAY!?!?!? Like, bro – we were all just sitting there waiting for the new passengers to board, this took zero seconds out of your time at the park. I hate people like this. Just follow the rules, please.

Otherwise, it was a very serene little train ride, with the old train guy behind us yelling things like, “GENTLEMAN IN THE GREEN PLEASE KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE CAR” and the gentleman in question was like, 7. And we saw some cutie squirrels chasing each other. I quite enjoyed my time on the train, hostile dad and all.

BUT I BET YOU THOUGHT THE TRAIN TANTRUM REFERENCED IN THE TITLE OF THIS POST RELATED TO ME!!

I will say that Idlewild is very magical for the eyeballs. I loved the feeling of being nestled in a forest. It was very rustic and a stark contrast to the concrete jungles that some amusement parks tend to be. This place really did feel fairy tale-ish BUT overall, I enjoyed the ambiance of Story Land in NH a bit more. First of all, it had better rides.

Chipmunks! There was even a chipmunk in the bathroom with me. I wish we had chipmunks in our yard!!

Departing super young kiddie land, back into regular kiddie land aka the main part of the park. Truly, this was a children’s park and we were the only people there without young’ns in tow.

Fuck the Idlewild Emporium though! They don’t sell magnets!

Why did I agree to go on this. These rides always make me sick!!

Chooch wasn’t amused that I took this shot. (And yes, if you were wondering, I did get wrecked on this ride. Henry was watching with the other parents and said that there were only two cars on  the whole ride that were spinning and ours was one of them. Natch.)

Then we decided to see what all the fuss about re: Confusion Hill, which our beloved DAFE (Darkride & Funhouse Enthusiasts) ranked in the top 5 of the country’s best dark attractions??? Or maybe it’s specifically dark walk-thrus?? I immediately had to send a picture of the sign out front to Christina, no context, and of course they knew immediately why I sent it and were t-r-i-g-g-e-r-e-d.

“Thangs.”

They hate the word “thangs.” LOL.

Yeah, this was fine, I guess. The two Confusion Hill actors / guides were highly energized and entertaining so I will give it that much, but this is just your standard gravity hill type roadside attraction where OMG WHY IS THE WATER UPHILL?? etc. The guy actor tried really hard to get Chooch to sit on a crooked chair mounted to the wall after all the other kids left and I know he wanted to say yes but was trying to act like he was too cool for that silly gravity optical illusion sissy shit.

I required ice cream after this. Then the dad in front of me ordered a peanut butter milkshake and I was like OR DO I WANT THAT INSTEAD but it put my brain into overload (I’m fragile these days, leave me alone) so when it was my turn to order, I just got a twist cone. :(

And then had regertz. :(

Chooch is too old for babytime ice cream cones!!! He opted for A PIECE OF GUM instead. This is the COLLEGE WAY.

Henry ruined this picture.

Then we sat on a wall and ate our ice cream while Chooch complained about being bored because he didn’t have ice cream to keep him busy. I appreciated the colors of the sprinkles here at Idlewild. Sometimes sprinkles just aren’t pretty enough! But these were nice and bold and the perfect complement to a beautiful end-of-summer day. Man, I know this was one of the worst summers I’ve ever had, personally, but it still makes me sad to see it come to an end and I find myself doing that frantic scrambling that I’m always wont to do come September.

It’s just weird not taking that “first day of school” picture of Chooch on the front porch, but I guess I can take one before we leave here on Friday to drop him off in Philly.

(FML. This is really starting to hit me hard, lol.)

Then we went on the lamest log flume ever. I’m sorry, but Idlewild’s not got SHIT on Story Land in the ride department. The only thing that they do better (spoiler alert) is their Storybook Forest, which we will get to in the next post.

Oh well, tata for now.

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