Everything makes me cry anymore. Is it just that this year has been like a piñata stuffed with bad news and dread and devastating loss or am I perimenopausal. I don’t know but I am tired of feeling so many emotions constantly! I just want another day like Saturday where I feel calm and at peace without a fucking projector reel of trauma spinning out behind my eyes.

Even things that make me happy are also making me sad. Seventeen? I love them but I’m also sitting here and crying because they’re in their military era, because S.Coups couldn’t join them on Na Na Tour last year because of his injury rehab, because seeing them in Chicago was one of the best moments of my life but it was so fleeting.

I’m happy that Chooch is loving college life but I’m sad because I’m still here being depressed about Drew Beringer dying and I miss Chooch so much on top of that and nothing feels right in this house.

Please don’t tell Henry I am saying this but he is the only stable and familiar thing in my life right now. Everything else feels so weird and not right. This house. My job. My body. My brain.

I know it’s weird to put these things in a calendar constraint – like the year has anything to do with it, like January 1 will actually reset anything and make things ok again. But I really am looking forward to putting 2024 in the past. If I can get through even one day next year without crying, then it will already be better than this year.

There was no real point to this. Just feeling weird.