Jun 122008

Today, Chooch and I went to lunch with Janna and my brother Corey. We walked several blocks to Tom’s Diner, which was fine until the way back when Chooch was too tired to walk so I had to carry him in 179 degree weather and he stunk of sweat and curdled milk. Anyway, at Tom’s, he made a fist and held it out to everyone who walked past, and said, "Punch. Punch." Most people ignored him, but a fat old man wearing a big mother-whompin’ ring made a fist on his way out of the diner and shouted, "Gimme some knuckle, kid" and Chooch had this expression of "Fucking finally!" 

Chooch and I both had grilled cheese and fries, but he was more interested in stealing potato chips and pickles from Janna’s plate.

A woman came in with approximately 18 children (fine, four) and as soon as they sat down behind us, a really old should-be-fucking-dead-by-now man hobbled over with a hunched back and passed out saftey suckers to each one. "I just really love kids," he exclaimed to their mom, and then he went back to his table.

Now, this lewd display of favortism went down behind my back, so I sat there and funneled my disgusted sighs and angry scowls at Janna and Corey. "So what, Chooch doesn’t qualify? Why didn’t that elderly douche balloon give my son a fucking poison treat?" I swear to God it made me so angry that I could feel my adrenaline rushing, blood crashing like cymbals in my ears, and I wanted to approach him in the worst way. Me, approaching an octogenarian over a sucker. And then what? Cause a scene over candy that would wind up dirt-encrusted and dropped on the floor after three licks? I have a really ridiculously skewed sense of entitlement.

  12 Responses to “My ‘approaches’ are not generally full of grace”

  1. I agree, four might as well be 18. I had a patient today that had 7. Woman, time to close your damn legs.

    Call me cynical, but I’d be suspicious of accepting candy from a stranger. Hey, isn’t that a catch phrase of some sort?

    • I get frazzled enough with one kid; I can’t imagine having that many!

      In reality, I’m sure if that guy had given us candy, i’d have been totally weirded out. But still!! Why wasn’t my kid good enough to get a child predator treat?

  2. Maybe you can tell him one day when he’s older how he was ALMOST victimized by a predator.

  3. fuck that old dude!!!!!

    did chooch even notice?

  4. What a fucker!! Those suckers suck anyway.

    Sucking suckers suck.

  5. You should feel LUCKY. Thems wuz POISON suckers!

  6. Well, he still deserved one because then you could have confiscated it for yourself! Rude man!

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