Jun 12 2008

My ‘approaches’ are not generally full of grace

Category: chooch

Today, Chooch and I went to lunch with Janna and my brother Corey. We walked several blocks to Tom’s Diner, which was fine until the way back when Chooch was too tired to walk so I had to carry him in 179 degree weather and he stunk of sweat and curdled milk. Anyway, at Tom’s, he made a fist and held it out to everyone who walked past, and said, "Punch. Punch." Most people ignored him, but a fat old man wearing a big mother-whompin’ ring made a fist on his way out of the diner and shouted, "Gimme some knuckle, kid" and Chooch had this expression of "Fucking finally!" 

Chooch and I both had grilled cheese and fries, but he was more interested in stealing potato chips and pickles from Janna’s plate.

A woman came in with approximately 18 children (fine, four) and as soon as they sat down behind us, a really old should-be-fucking-dead-by-now man hobbled over with a hunched back and passed out saftey suckers to each one. "I just really love kids," he exclaimed to their mom, and then he went back to his table.

Now, this lewd display of favortism went down behind my back, so I sat there and funneled my disgusted sighs and angry scowls at Janna and Corey. "So what, Chooch doesn’t qualify? Why didn’t that elderly douche balloon give my son a fucking poison treat?" I swear to God it made me so angry that I could feel my adrenaline rushing, blood crashing like cymbals in my ears, and I wanted to approach him in the worst way. Me, approaching an octogenarian over a sucker. And then what? Cause a scene over candy that would wind up dirt-encrusted and dropped on the floor after three licks? I have a really ridiculously skewed sense of entitlement.

12 comments

12 Comments so far

  1. grrgoyl June 12th, 2008 6:09 pm

    I agree, four might as well be 18. I had a patient today that had 7. Woman, time to close your damn legs.

    Call me cynical, but I’d be suspicious of accepting candy from a stranger. Hey, isn’t that a catch phrase of some sort?

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart June 12th, 2008 6:21 pm

    I get frazzled enough with one kid; I can’t imagine having that many!

    In reality, I’m sure if that guy had given us candy, i’d have been totally weirded out. But still!! Why wasn’t my kid good enough to get a child predator treat?

  3. grrgoyl June 12th, 2008 6:26 pm

    Maybe you can tell him one day when he’s older how he was ALMOST victimized by a predator.

  4. Tuna Tar-Tart June 12th, 2008 6:41 pm

    Campfire tale!

  5. Bueno Mexicana June 12th, 2008 7:59 pm

    fuck that old dude!!!!!

    did chooch even notice?

  6. Tuna Tar-Tart June 12th, 2008 8:12 pm

    He was watching but didn’t seem to really care.

  7. MotherBonnie June 12th, 2008 8:42 pm

    What a fucker!! Those suckers suck anyway.

    Sucking suckers suck.

  8. Tuna Tar-Tart June 12th, 2008 9:02 pm

    Haha, I love you, MotherBonnie.

  9. kat June 12th, 2008 8:44 pm

    You should feel LUCKY. Thems wuz POISON suckers!

  10. Tuna Tar-Tart June 12th, 2008 9:01 pm

    That’s what I keep telling myself so I’ll feel less dejected!

  11. Alyson Hell June 13th, 2008 11:41 am

    Well, he still deserved one because then you could have confiscated it for yourself! Rude man!

  12. Tuna Tar-Tart June 13th, 2008 4:46 pm

    Those other kids were dumb, too!

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