Henry’s Worst Idea To Date: Homemade Lollipops
All the pre-school kids get to bring in treats on their birthday. Since there was no school on Monday, Chooch is bringing shit in tomorrow. I thought perhaps Henry could bake some cupcakes; Chooch suggested cookies.
But Henry went off on his own and decided to make chocolate lollipops. He bought three different sets of molds: pirates, dinosaurs and monkeys. Also procured were bags of white chocolate molding things, food coloring and paint brushes to help aid in a potential murder-suicide situation.
Because solid chocolate is too easy.
Before sitting down to “help,” I considered relisting* myself as “in a relationship with Henry Robbins” on Facebook so that I could re-breakup with him after fifteen minutes, because the two of us working side-by-side on anything involving food and arts and crafts is surely going to end with our home criss-crossed in yellow crime scene tape.
(*Technically, according to Facebook, I’m still single after Henry failed to take me roller skating Saturday night.)
Henry wasn’t even done setting up yet when Chooch spilled a jar of orange food coloring on himself THREE TIMES. This was partly because I was too busy perfecting my Negligent Teen Mom act and partly because no one ever listens when Henry says not to touch something, which would explain why I’ve found myself in so many philandering situations over the years.
So now my child looks like he was sired by Pauly D after a reckless night of beatin’ the beat in Snooki’s kuka with his spray-tanned guido venereal-rod. Have fun selling booty shorts on the boardwalk this summer, son.
Meanwhile, I managed to paint the miniscule crannies of a pirate skull, a pirate ship and two dinosaurs before completely flipping my shit.
“IT WON’T STAY MELTED!” I kept screaming at Henry, who would calmly tell me to “work faster.”
Listen here, Wonka. Unless you want to see how fast I work when equipped with a sausage grinder and your dick in my hands, best BACK UP OFF ME.
Fifteen minutes — pretty lofty expectations on my behalf. I only made it ten before rage and a quickly diminishing temper had me demonstrating full-body palsy shakes before launching my paint brush into a death-spiral to Hell and stomping off to pout on the couch.
“I didn’t ask for your help,” Henry murmured, hard at work filling his molds with plain milk chocolate and not even bothering to PAINT THE FUCKERS LIKE HE WAS MAKING ME DO, while I yelled a bunch of vulgarity-drenched death threats to the entire institution of chocolate candy and made promises to insert leftover lollipop sticks into Henry’s asshole while he sleeps tonight.
He’s currently in the kitchen, making exaggerated motions of extreme harriedness while I sit here listening to Emarosa, loudly and with my feet up, because I have no obligations to fulfill. Life is good.
Enjoy yourself, bro. This was all your idea, remember? If it were my choice, I would gladly just jam a stick of Juicy Fruit in each of those little fucker’s mouths and be done with it.
God, I hate doing things.
Nothing says Happy Birthday like half-assed chocolate shit on sticks born from rage, dysfunction and pure, unadulterated hate for life. Eat ’em up, kids.
I laughed my ass off. This is absolutely hilarious and I too, would have completely lost my shit. I have no patience for things like that. Heaven help my future children. I’d just buy the fuckers.
We have jobs for a reason — to go to a fucking bakery and BUY this shit! Ugh.
actually, my mother used to have my sister and I do this crap all the time, before christmas and easter
at age 10, it was pretty sweet, and I would just eat the crap out of the little chocolate turds you were supposed to be melting… :D
THAT part was definitely fun, until I burnt my finger and had to get a lesson about double boilers (is that what they’re called?).
“get fucked”is the best subtitle ever!
Wonka!!! Hilarious indeed!
Sorry to hear about your son being on Jersey Shore. What will be his nickname? I personally love to watch the show–especially when I have migraines. Migraines make me very confused and Jersey Shore is easy to understand. =D
Love the subtitle. Yes, I agree, there have to be easier ways of giving the little ones a treat than putting yourself through this sort of ordeal.