Ahhh, guess what?? Last week, I got to be a stand-in for Kara’s husband Chris at the Smashing Pumpkins concert! I was so excited when she asked me if I wanted to use his ticket because I had been going back and forth for mths on whether to buy a ticket. 

Henry dropped me off and was happy to go home and have a night off from me dragging him all around. Who even knows what he did—watched something dumb probably. Read the circulars (after digging them out of the garbage because I always pitch them immediately LOL).

My hair being unruly as usual. 

So, the show itself was fantastic. Love to see legends up there killing it. The last time I saw the Pumpkins, it was essentially just Billy Corgan as the only OG member. Actually, I can’t even remember what the deal was now but I saw them at the Carnegie Music Hall in Homestead, which is a small theater—why was that a small theater tour?!

I think this was 2014 or 2015. 

 P.S. Also obsessed with Kiki Wong now, she was doing the LORD’S WORK up there, good goddamn.

Before the show started, Kara and I were chatting about how terrible concert etiquette has become, primarily with the CHATTY CATHY takeover that seems to be ubiquitous at nearly every show now. And we totally jinxed ourselves because the three GROWN ASS MEN in front of us proceeded to talk (and I mean TALK) during the entire first set of the show. There was not ONE song that they didn’t talk through! And if they weren’t talking, they were texting / Facebooking / scrolling with FULL BRIGHTNESS LEVEL screens. 

Kara became obsessed with trying to figure out their relationship with each other because one guy was quite a bit older than the other two who looked like they were late 40s. My guess was that they were co-workers who should have either stayed home and watch Smashing Pumpkins videos on YouTube or just gone to a fucking bar, I don’t know. Have you ever tried to talk to the person next to you at a concert? It’s not easy! You have to shout! This is why I just save my comments for afterward, and, you know, also because I paid money to hear a band perform and not the sound of my own voice??

There was a 20 minute intermission between sets (there was no opening band – just the Smashing Pumpkins from 8pm until 11pm, it was GLORIOUS!) during which the three Yinzer bros stood up and continued the coffee klatch. This was fine by us, talk it up, get it all out of your systems! We did have a few loud comments though about how obnoxious it is to talk during a concert and the ringleader (ofc he had on a Steelers hat) glanced back at us so I thought maybe he had taken the hint.

Nope! The second set started and they sat down but continued their conversation at a LOUDER volume. They weren’t even talking ABOUT THE CONCERT. They were talking about NASCAR at one point!

A few songs into the second set, Kara leaned forward and – in a polite tone BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL WHEN DEALING WITH FRAGILE MEN – said, “You know, some of us are here to actually hear the band, not your conversation” and the RINGLEADER sputtered (literally, I have never had a use for that word until now), “Oh yeah? Really! Yeah well…I paid to be here too!” 

I was on high alert now because this could have easily spiraled out and made him ramp up the yapping to an exaggerated degree, but instead, HE SULKED. Literally, he sunk back lower in his seat with his arms crossed. The guy to the right didn’t even appear to know anything had happened, but the older man in front of me actually turned his body slightly away from the ringleader and focused on the concert for the rest of the time. 

Also in our favor was the fact that they did not appear to be drinking, at least.

Kara said she told her kids, “I’m about to say something to these dorks so if they start a fight with me, record it.” LOL.  

“Big man!” Kara kept saying in a cry-baby voice after his super important and sensitive feelings got BIG HURT by the MEAN WOMAN at the Smashing Pumpkins concert, and I was dying! Props to Kara for saying something. Confrontation is so scary these days, especially for women, and I was quietly cracking my knuckles in case there was retaliation. The worst concert experience I ever had was when Chooch was younger and I took him to see The Summer Set at some small venue in Columbus that was full of fuck ass OSU bitches who were pushing us so hard (we were standing AT THE SIDE OF THE STAGE) and I tried to nicely say, “Hey I have a kid here can you please don’t push us?” and it just made it worse until the guys they were with stepped in and made them stop. But this was after it went on for nearly the whole set. And yes, I know—college guys actually being decent?! Anomaly. It was such a shitty experience though, like, please don’t make me get in a physical altercation in front of my elementary school-aged son, thanks. 

Anyway, the men (I kept imagining that it was the Impractical Jokers in front of us, they were that level of dork) ended up leaving before the end of the show and we just started cracking up so hard as they slithered past us, like a buncha boys who were scolded by their mom.

I know that sounds like it probably ruined the night but it really didn’t—I was so happy to get to be there with Kara and her kids, hearing a bunch of nostalgic and iconic songs that made me feel like I was back in high school riding around with Lisa in her parents’ minivan with the radio tuned to the Revolution and me acting like I didn’t like it because I was in my R&B and gangsta rap phase while secretly clocking certain songs. All these years later and “Today” is still my favorite. I don’t care how stereotypical that is, it’s such a comfort jam for me, and I still remember being a kid and seeing the music video for the first time and thinking it was so cool. 

But yeah, can we all just stop treating concerts like they’re a porch hangout? Save all the talking for post-show drinks! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 

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