Speck’s burial was yesterday. After a week of crying, beating myself up over not noticing a problem (if there even was a problem with her), and eating nothing but candy (it was all I could stomach), I really needed closure. I needed to stop dwelling, to stop associating everything with her, to stop going over and over in my mind the last time I saw her and feeling guilty for not paying as much attention to her as I do to Marcy.
It was one of the worst weeks of my life and I felt like I was trapped in some sick nightmare. It’s hard to explain what was going on in my head and heart, but knowing that I’m emotionally immature and extremely sensitive would probably help to understand. Speck might have been “just a cat,” but in a life full of changes and dysfunction and being let down time and time again by my family, she was a constant. She was unconditional love. Her death triggered something in me that I had been repressing since the death of my Pappap. A huge chapter of my life closed with her passing and I have got to be OK with that.
I let myself grieve to the fullest one last time as we stood in a small mourning room with her tiny white casket on a table. And then up on the hill next to her freshly dug grave, I buried my face in Henry’s chest while Chooch accepted the offer to dump the first shovel of dirt upon her casket.
And then I just felt peace, like that raging fire in my heart had finally been put out.
Before I went to work, I was sitting on the couch with Chooch. I was still a little tearful and would sniffle here and there. Without looking up from his coloring book, Chooch said to me, “It’s OK. She’s happy where she is now.”
And I think she’s got to be. Choosing to bury her at that pet cemetery has made me feel better about things. She got a proper burial and she’ll never be alone there. She lives on a hillside with hundreds of other treasured family pets.
When I got to work, Barb sent me an email saying she would come see me when I was ready, that she didn’t want to make me cry, but I was fine. I was really OK. After a week of spontaneously bursting into tears at work, I just couldn’t cry anymore. I was literally all cried out. In fact, one of my tear ducts is even all jacked up from it.
I realize I’m processing this like a 12-year-old and I want to thank all my friends for bearing with me, especially my friends at work who had to see me crying every single day last week. I was an absolute fucking mess. I was really surprised at how nice the guys were, particularly. Even Glenn, who loves to make fun of me, was super nice and didn’t make me feel stupid when I cried in front of him.
And the other day, when our old department friend Derek stopped by for a visit and asked me, “How’s your kid?” what I heard was, “How’s your kitty?” which made me blurt out, “Which one, the one that died?” and then I burst into tears. Derek quickly said, “No, no, your kid! I said kid! Oh my god, I’m sorry!”
It was an awesome scene.
When I came home last night, I made a little nail art tribute to her. Speck will never be actually be dead to me.
When I start eating apples again, you’ll know I’m all the way OK.
3 Responses to “Closure”
Say it don't spray it.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
When lula died, I wanted to have her cremated. It took a week for them to call me and say she was ready to be picked up. That whole week waiting was like yours was. I didn’t want to do anything but cry at work. I kept telling Paul that I would feel better when she was back home with all of us. I didn’t want her to be alone more than anything.
I picked up her ashes after work one night. I sat in my car and hugged the box to my chest and cried and cried until I thought I might actually throw up.
When I got home with her and we were all together again, I finally felt some sense of peace.
I love all of you guys and you know I’m here.
Thank you for sharing this with me—I don’t know how I’d have gotten thru without you. I’m just sad that this is something you have experienced too :(
I hope Lula and Speck are friends wherever they are now.
I do not think you are processing this like a 12-year-old. Unconditional love is nonexistent on this planet, for the most part. Except from pets. It’s heart-wrenching to see that go.