You guys asked Henry some hard-hitting questions, and he gave you some half-assed answers. I give you my word that I did not alter any of these answers (except for the one where he used a double negative).
Andrea asked, “Did he get those scene glasses that you picked out for him and what is the best thing about being a dad?”
Yes I did and I must say I look good, now if I could only afford them!
Being there for them when they need me.
Michelle wants to know why I don’t have one of those husbands, what’s up with that Henry?
It’s complicated but one day.
What a cop-out.
Sandy wants to know how Henry got the glitter sprinkles to stick on the marshmallows from the preschool Halloween party:
Corn syrup and glue!
I had no idea he used glue. Is that even safe? Though, I guess kids are going to ingest glue either way, so why not just serve it to them all prettified.
Misty wants to know what song Henry would use to describe me and he thinks he can say “Let me get back to you on this one” and I won’t send him to the flagellation chamber when he comes home.
However, Misty also wants to know a story from one of the most exciting days he had in THE SERVICE:
Ok my most exciting day and the one Erin says I had are way different.
Mine would be the first day there; it was a big change from the way I was used to spending my day. I’ve never regretted going in, just regretted telling Erin anything about it!
By “used to spending my day,” he means he didn’t “accidentally” kill someone’s pet duck in Panama and receive Vick’s Vapor Rub hand jobs by Taiwanese hookers before he enlisted. I thought for sure his most exciting day would have been the day he and his buddies took a photo of themselves in their underroos, and Henry appears to be holding a ball-gag.
Misty also wants to know what his dream job would be:
Stay at home dad, as soon as Erin makes it big. She better hurry I’m getting old!
Good thing I’ve been looking into some trade schools. My future in welding just might make this possible, Henry.
Carrie asks, “Who is your stylist?”
What ever girl is available at Supercuts and myself.
Alyson Hell desperately needs to know his favorite flavor of Faygo and what he actually did do in THE SERVICE when he wasn’t getting denied by street-walkers and struggling to look like Erik Estrada:
Red Pop or Moonmist.
I was a Crew Chief on a KC135 Tanker they refuel other aircraft in the air.
Kristen wants to know what name he’d use if he was a hiphop star so she’ll know to avoid it:
DJ Dung Pile cause I would sound like a pile of S__t
Yes, he actually spelled it S__t because we all know how much I fucking hate to fucking use dick-shitting cuss words on this motherfucking cocksucking shit-covered dildo blog.
Brandy can’t sleep until she knows how many M&Ms he can fit in his mouth and what his last meal would be once he offs me and lands his ass on death row (which would never happen, because that would be the time Henry actually WOULD lawyer-up, child support/divorce what now?):
Probably 1 whole bag, small bag (Now, if these were DICKS we were talking about….)
Pizza & wings.
Fine, the dick part was my addition, but only because he pissed me off this morning and I hate him right now (more than usual).
Edina wants Henry’s ego to have a moment to bloat, so she asks, “What do you love about yourself?”
That I was smooth enough to land such a wonderful girlfriend who would make me do things like this all the time.
Stephenie is like, “Fuck asking a question, I have a goddamned DEMAND.” She wants her circular bread with the dip inside that he promised to bring her for her birthday and never did because he is the proprietor of the Empty Promise Factory.
Will do it for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Finally, the last question is from Kaitlin, who wants to know, “If you were to cook Erin a romantic four-course meal, what would you serve?”, operative word being IF:
The first course would have to be a soup, without all the vegetable left out that the picky vegetarian doesn’t like. Probably a creamy turnip or sweet potato soup
Next would be some exotic tofu, weird cheese concoction then a dish with vegetables that most people have never heard of and are impossible to get. Lastly a dessert made from fresh fruit
All ingredients and Menu is subject to change at anytime and must have prior approval by Erin. So maybe you should ask her what she would like. I just cook and bring the romance…Ha HA
OMG he actually said he brings the romance? The vegetable part is true – I only like unpopular vegetables, plus I’m supremely picky on top of that. But let’s be honest Henry, your menu would be pretty simple:
I guess that’s it. Pretty anti-climactic. Let’s never do that again.
Shit! I forgot about the ones he answered in the comments, like a dummy.
Kate asked, “I’d like Henry to tell us what he would most miss about you if something happened tomorrow and you were gone.”
So many to list, but as long as she doesn’t read this, I’ll say all the phone calls I get during the day most of which involve her having the “worst day ever!” or barking orders at me(like I actually listen) like a drill sargeant. Aww hell I would just miss her all together!
That’s cute. He’s actually pretending to be cocky. You’re a big shot now, Henry.
And lastly, Tracey asked, “Did he ever get hit on by another man while in the service?”
No, and I don’t know why.
Would you like a list, Henry?