We got to leave work early and finish the last two hours of the shift from home. I can’t remember the last time I felt so happy at work, as I did at that moment the news was dropped by our manager, like my heart was full of gumdrops while watching viking porn.
This couldn’t have happened at a better time either, because Eleanore was tossing objects around in her desk, seemingly from great distances, like she was trying to win a giant Spongebob on a carnival midway And Tina has been enduring some kind of marital strife and has been wanting to talk about it, which is not in my job description.
So now I’m at home, gloating because Collin had to stay there all by himself. He’s probably cowering in his cubicle, hiding from all the big scary rapists and missing me.
Now I’m going to take off my bra, put on some Days of Our Lives and smoke some crack. While I’m working. Maybe pistol-whip some bitches too. While I’m working.