Dec 212012


In spite of the world totally going to shit, I still wanted to have some recognition of Christmas in our house. Henry finally got off his ass and bought a Christmas tree last Saturday. Seriously, like he’s been SO BUSY that he couldn’t do it any sooner.

(He’s going to string me up by my neck with lights when he reads this.)

I lounged on the couch, waiting for him to finish encircling the tree with an infinite strand of colored lights, only to tell him that I didn’t want multi-colored lights. Oh my god, did he throw a tantrum! It was exciting! All I kept thinking was, “WHAT WOULD BO BRADY THINK!?” If Hope disapproved of the light selection, Bo would have sailed the Fancy Face right on over to the nearest Salem Target, bought new lights and probably even that single-serving ice cream that I Hope has been coveting, shot Stefano DiMera in the face and then returned home to Hope only to discover that she had been kidnapped by a possessed Marlena, but at least after Bo rescues her she will have a beautiful tree all trimmed to her specifications which she will be able to fully appreciate once she recovers from the amnesia.


Henry and I had a huge fight about the garland too, and then when I realized that Chooch and I were trying to put the same strand on the tree (he was pulling my end off as he went along), I dramatically opened my hands and let the garland fall to the floor.

“Fuck. This.” And then I went and pouted.

In person, this tree is so obnoxious. There’s no rhyme or reason to our ornament placement, no theme, no organization. It literally looks like we sat on the couch and lobbed bulbs at the boughs. Pardon me if my tree doesn’t look dipped in Pinterest.

This is just how I like it. It’s an eyesore and obscene, just like us!

Which is why I named this year’s tree the Obscenitree. I bitched about it for a few minutes, but like every tree before it, I have grown to love my Obscenitree.


Didn’t want the wheelchair to feel left out.


Or Pink Elephant Table!



Chooch made a Disgruntled Henry the Elf.



We found our original tree topper that I made! Had to replace the McDonald’s straw with a new straw, though.


I bought Chooch a set of these cat ornaments because believe what you heard: he is the youngest cat lady alive.


We had Chooch’s picture with Santa at Kennywood made into an ornament. I think we are going to attempt to have another one taken this weekend, with his big brothers Blake and Robbie. I’ll be surprised if we can wrangle those two together at the same time, though.


Rubberbanded the rest of my creepy baby dolls to various branches. Because it’s not an Erin R. Kelly tree without something dumb on it.


Yes, that’s the Gossip Girl series finale in the background, which I cried through profusely even though I had come to completely despise every last character on that show, but what else is new considering I pretty much have cried this entire week away. Just this morning, I was walking around Brookline and literally choked on my tears when I wished some young guy a Merry Christmas. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. But I think I can honestly say that I haven’t felt this amount of overwhelming sadness since 9/11.

But…life must go on. And we all need something to hold on to. For me, I guess that’s Christmas.

  3 Responses to “Christmas Decorations: Kind of Like an Emotional Bandage”

  1. It was so good to talk to you the other day. I miss you so much! Merry Christmas!

  2. I like your tree. Even with the creepy nekkid babies.

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