Things n Things n Stuff

Henry: “Where are the car keys?”

Me, in my patented teenaged ‘duh’ tone: “Um, in the new car key dish! God.”

Henry: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know we had a ‘new car key dish’.”

Bitch, better get learnt then.

Before the show on Saturday, we ate at Jioio’s in Latrobe. According to Henry, he and I were going to eat there one time during the Dark Years, which was a time pre-Chooch where Henry and I fought 24:7 and I have it mostly blacked out. (I should specify that when I say “Henry and I fought,” I obviously mean “I fought.” I don’t know what I was so belligerent about back then! I guess it was just a matter of me being waaay less self-regulated, mentally and emotionally. I hadn’t yet learned about “control,” I guess. Anyway, if you go by Henry’s story, we apparently walked into Jioio’s for dinner and I threw a fit so we left.

So this was my first time eating there! And aside from my baked cod being way overcooked, everything else was great. The pizza almost reminded me of real pizza I’ve had in Italy, and I wished that I had ordered my own instead of sneaking small bites of Chooch’s. Our waitress was wonderful, but the best part was hands down the CUTE BUSBOYS WHOA LORDY.

Chooch said he hated his pizza because it tasted like there was honey in it, yet he ate half of it with barely a breath in between. Kids are so fucking weird. I don’t remember picky when I was a kid. Which is probably why I was so fat.

Speaking of being a fat kid, somehow the topic of Slim Fast came up the other night when Henry and I were getting ready for bed, and I mentioned that I got bags of their popcorn in my Easter basket when I was eleven.

“That’s fucked up,” Henry said, honestly disgusted.

“What? I was happy about it!” I laughed. And people wonder why my defense mechanism is self-deprecation.

I wonder what the last 25 years of my life would have been like if I hadn’t spent every single day obsessing over my weight.

Hey, speaking of being fat! We went out for our weekend ice cream Sunday night and it was wildly disappointing. First of all, I wanted to go back to Tasty Creme because the last time we were there, Henry waited until after I got my ice cream cone to point out that they had a toasted coconut topping, which sounded fucking precious. I HAD TO HAVE THIS SUNDAY NIGHT. It was all I could think about.

Except that dumb Henry read the sign wrong and it was actually a toasted coconut dip. Like the chocolate dips they do, but coconut. I was immediately dismayed but ordered it anyway because I felt pressured. Then I was like, “UGH I SHOULD HAVE GOT STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE” because I wanted to get that the night before at Jioio’s but our waitress brought our check over without asking if we wanted dessert, which I ALWAYS interpret as “YOU DON’T NEED DESSERT, CHUNKS.” So Henry ordered that instead of what he actually wanted, and then we swapped, because that coconut dip was actually disgusting.

I’m not just saying that because I’m still pouting about it either. It was gross. It even LOOKED gross. So Henry had to eat that and he was so annoyed about it and I was like, “What’s your problem and why aren’t you used to this by now? Be a fucking man and take one for the team.”

Sometimes I just don’t know about him.

And he had to eat most of my strawberry shortcake too, because I started to get sick about the fifth bite. And there was a super annoying family sitting at the other picnic table and something about them was just screaming, “WE ARE ON THE LAM!!!” to me.

The end.