- After terrorizing Chris and Monica with my camera on Sunday, they took me and Chooch to Tom’s Diner for dinner, where the subject of the missing Malaysian plane came up. “The only people who know where it is are Jesus and Amelia Earhart,” Chooch casually interjected. I was glad there were witnesses there because sometimes I fear that people think I’m making up his quotes. I promise I’m not.
- I’ve been in a major fruit funk. Even the apples I’ve been eating haven’t been anything spectacular and just taste like earth. But then Henry bought me a cherimoya! I was so excited to have my passion for fruit rejuvenated, but then he cut it and it tasted terrible. It was too ripe. Or not ripe enough? I don’t understand how “ripe” works. So I’m back to being in a fruit funk.
- I took the trolley to work on Thursday. It was starting to look like it was going to be a quiet, uneventful ride, until the young man standing in front of my seat received a phone call. I hadn’t paid much attention to him prior to his phone ringing, because he was just standing there quietly, being tall and skinny, relatively inoffensive. But then it was all, “DEENA!!!! I CALLED YOU LIKE 7 TIMES!!! WHAT, YOU DON’T ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE NOW!?!?!?” His tone was enraged, bombastic enough to pretty much make everyone whip their heads in his direction. And then I guess Denah hung up on him, which made him shout, “I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP.” I actually gulped and slid down a little in my seat, tugged at my collar and stared out the window, hoping he wouldn’t use my face as Deina’s stunt double. A few minutes later, he was able to get her back on the phone. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU. I’VE CALLED YOU FIFTY TIMES. OH OK, YOUR PHONE WAS IN YOUR POCKET. SINCE WHEN DO YOU KEEP YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET!?!?” And then some terrible discussion about how, OH DON’T WORRY D-NAH, he was able to get out of the house this morning without her help. I don’t know what this means, but then he went on to say, “He was downstairs, but I got out. DON’T WORRY, I GOT OUT WITHOUT YOUR HELP” so now I’m wondering if this so-called “he” is D’na’s real boyfriend who she’s cheating on with the screamer on the trolley and screamer was trapped in the house when the real boyfriend unexpectedly came home from the China Beach convention in Sheboygan? I can’t imagine how terrible this other guy must be to make Dina have an affair with Trolley Screamer. Luckily, the trolley went underground right around the time he began lambasting Deana for worrying about “dumb shit” so he lost cell service. The rest of us just sat there uncomfortably, thankful that he couldn’t call (Silent P)dina back. I mean, he was talking to her the same exact way I talk to Henry, but at least I reserve that shit for in the house! Now I’m really worried about Dena. Please leave that punk ass bitch, Deeeeeena. I bet he smells like Kools and Slim Jims. No, I know he does.
- Chooch is thankfully still enjoying piano lessons, except that every time the cat walks into the room, he immediately stops paying attention because CAT ALERT. At one point, he asked himself “What would Keyboard Cat do?” I thought Cheryl was going to lose it.
- Henry and I are leaving very soon for Philly. We haven’t spent a night away from Chooch since 2011 (except for sometimes when Chooch sleeps over his cousin’s house, but at least we’re only 15 minutes away) so I’m kind of excited about that but also sad because I’m pretty attached to Chooch. I don’t know if you noticed, but the three of us are like, almost always together. It’s pathetic. Or nice? Anyway, Henry is even more curmudgeonly than usual because I made him go to the Gary Numan show last night so he’s all tiwed wike a wittle baybay (tired like a little baby; I don’t know what’s going on in my head this morning) and now he has to drive to Philly to see another show he doesn’t want to see and hopefully hang out with our friends Terri and Christian, too. But you know what, Henry? You signed on for this in 2001 when you thought, “Wow, I would like to pursue a relationship with the weird office manager at my job.” Sorry you thought I would outgrow this, haha.
- I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT FRIDAY! Because that seems like a good way to end this!
ANTHONY FUCKING GREEN <3