Sep 172014
 

Right after Henry and I returned home from Chicago on Monday, Chooch lost a tooth.

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Not a big deal; this was like the 6th or 7th one to add to my salt shaker of baby teeth. (I collect his teeth in a salt shaker full of fake blood because that’s what the gypsy told me to do 9 years ago after selling me fertility potion.)

Chooch placed the tooth under his pillow and then Henry promptly forgot to swap it out with money, so Tuesday morning started with Chooch stomping out of his room, fists at his sides, bitching about how the dumbass Tooth Fairy didn’t leave him any money. I was like, “Fuck. Think Erin, think.” So I told him that was because Monday was Labor Day for the Tooth Fairies and that they were all off work, duh. I’m really off my game lately when it comes to Creative Lies, but Chooch didn’t say anything to that, not even “Wait, there’s more than one Tooth Fairy?” so I chalked it up to Good Parenting. And also Chooch’s inability to give a shit about things in the morning.

But then he came home from school with another tooth that had fallen out. His teacher put it in an envelope and in pencil, noted the exact time it fell out, like we’re some tightly-clenched scrapbooking assholes or something.

Chooch was just happy that now he was about to get twice as much money.

Except that Dildo Henry shat in his tutu again and didn’t pull through. He claims that Chooch “started to wake up” when he tried to make the switch. So I was like, “Well, where is the cash? I’ll do it myself” and then Henry was all, “In my pocket.

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” Which wouldn’t have been a big deal if he wasn’t already at work when this conversation played out.

And then my series of texts, surprisingly not in CAPSLOCK, went like this:

Nice.

Real great.

And of course I’m the one who has to deal with it once again. Thanks.

And you say nothing. Thanks.

Because clearly this was on par with, oh I don’t know, teen pregnancies and drug use. God, I just didn’t want to deal with this. PARENTING, UGH.

“I think he knows there’s no tooth fairy, he’s just playing along,” Henry calmly texted back.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR THINKING, HENRY!

So I tiptoed into Chooch’s room, perched on the edge of his bed, and woke him by gingerly shaking him by his shoulder. A slumbering Chooch is best approached with caution and finesse, because he’s a real bag of bees in the morning.

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“Chooch,” I whispered hoarsely. “I have to tell you something.”

“WHAT,” he mumbled, shrugging my hand from his shoulder.

“It’s really bad,” I continued, because I’m great this shit. “Daddy and I have been lying to you for a long time.”

This got him to open one eye.

“ABOUT WHAT,” he barked.

“The Tooth Fairy,” I whispered, trying to sound really serious. “She’s not real.”

“OK,” Chooch mumbled, shaking his head in an “AND?” motion. “Do I still get money?”

“No, because daddy screwed up,” I said. “Blame daddy.”

Now Chooch was beginning to sit up in anger. He flipped over his pillow to confirm that I wasn’t lying, and just as his nostrils began to flare, I blurted out, “BUT HE SAID HE’S GOING TO BUY YOU POKEMON CARDS!”

“THE KINDS IN THE METAL TIN?!” he countered. Because those ones are more expensive. He’s not a dummy.

I was all, “Yeah sure, OK” and then Chooch was like, “OK bye, I’m walking to school by myself” which is when it occurred to me that OMG he’s old now. Thanks a lot, Tooth Fairy.

  7 Responses to “When Chooch Aged Approx. 10 Years Right in Front of Me”

  1. We forgot tooth fairy money one night, but D concluded it was because she didn’t put the tooth in a baggie so the tooth fairy couldn’t find it.

    She suspects the fairy door is fake because she can peer behind it and see tile. I’m like, “Duh! It’s a magic door. Of course it doesn’t work like real doors.”

  2. Claire has only lost two teeth and we forgot by the 2nd tooth to be tooth fairy. However, she forgot to pi
    It the tooth under her pillow so it was in my purse so I snuck some money in there and told her the tooth fairy is magic and knew where the tooth was. Our tooth fairy doesn’t take the teeth so Claire promptly lost the two she’s lost so I guess I need to get a salt shaker for them like you ;) also Claire is always asking me if things are real: the tooth fairy, characters on tv shows, animals that are creepy…puts me in a tough spot!

  3. My son is the same age as Chooch. Ntheyre smart kids! He figured it out one night as we were eating dinner. He asked me flat out if the tooth fairy was real. I’m not gonna lie, so I told him it is something parents make up for their kids. He said ok, and sat there for a minute. He asked me “Are you Santa and the Easter bunny, too?”. I was really shocked that he deduced all thr holiday mythology over mac and cheese. I told him yes. He said “Cool!” and continued eating. My eleven year old daughter was not happy about it at all. I still feel so bad!

    • Kids these days are smarter than we think! Chooch has never asked us about Santa but we’re certain he knows.

      I guess I just expected him to be more upset, haha! I’m glad to see that your son just casually went about his day, too!

  4. Please excuse my typing errors above. Typing on a small screen sucks…

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