Sep 292015

Here is a handy compartmentalized list of things and thoughts that have happened lately that perhaps I would like to remember. YOU NEVER KNOW.

PARENTING – I’m doing a mediocre job!

  • Henry had to go back down to work to have an affair one night last week, leaving me in charge of feeding Chooch. Thankfully, there was Hungry Man in the freezer and that’s what Chooch decided he wanted to eat, so I was like, “Phew! Thank god! Here, you can just go ahead and make it yourself, then.” But then Chooch was like, “‘Remove plastic from sauce.’ Wait—-is this the sauce?” And I was like, “Of course that’s the sauce, you idiot—wait. IS that the sauce?” And from there, it took the two of us, The Dream Team, to squint at the instructions, stab some of the sealed compartments with a knife, peel back the seal of other compartments, straight up REMOVE portions of the tray…it was all so much. So exhausting. We are FUCKED if Henry ever leaves us for his mistress oris murdered when I find out that he has a mistress.
    • Henry came home later, saw the empty box in the garbage, and sadly said, “Hey. That was my Hungry Man.” WELL MAYBE IF HE WOULD STOP IMPREGNATING PET SHOP BROADS, HE WOULDN’T BE SO HUNGRY.
  • Saturday night, Chooch and I decided to go see this Austrian horror movie that was playing at the indie theater down the street (“Goodnight Mommy” — it was wonderful and here, you can read Chooch’s thorough review if you would like). I had a slight concern because itwas rated R; my concern wasn’t that it would be inappropriate for Chooch to watch, but more that he wouldn’t be allowed in. “I mean, I guess technically I am his guardian though, right?” I said to Henry, trying to work this out in my mind. “Um, you’re his mother, so….”
    • The movie is in German so it had subtitles. This didn’t faze Chooch a bit — he’s been watching Asian horror for years so subtitles are like whatever for him. I feel like that’s a parenting win, right? Don’t be that person who bitches about having to read a movie.
  • Some shady business opened up in our ‘hood where people can go and play video games. I know what you’re thinking, Oh an arcade? WRONG. It’s just an empty storefront full of TVs and gaming consoles. Anyway, some of Chooch’s friends go there after school so Chooch asked if he could go too. This stumped me. “I don’t know…..can you?” I mused, hoping the Universe would send me a sign. Meanwhile, Henry was all, “No! Do your homework!” So it appears the correct answer to that Parenting, Expert Level question was: No.
  • We went to lunch on Saturday at the North Hills Grill. Chooch was real surly because he had fallen (or “falled” as I had originally typed) asleep in the car and then we had the audacity to wake his sorry ass up. He was so fucking miserable and said he didn’t want anything so Henry and I said that was fine because we don’t play his games anymore (I mean, I usually get suckered into them if I’m alone, because I’m weakand also I thrive on fighting with my kid, or anyone for that matter). But then he snapped, “FINE I GUESS I’LL HAVE A BURGER” and I was like “IDGAF because this joint had quinoa salad as a side plus mypanini comes with pesto and literally that’s all that matters to meright now. Eat or don’t eat, whatever forever.”
    • And I mentioned that we were going to get him new clothes afterward and he did this thing that I just love, where he throws his arms up and squeals, “SERIOUSLY?!FML” before falling into a slow simmer. (I should mention that this was after he decided to join us; he was originally sitting alone at his own table. Thank god we were the only people there.) It must seriously suck to have parents who feed and clothe you! I would hate my life, too!
      • Parents of children younger than 9 — I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t get better. There will be days when you think it is, but then you’re jerk-kid will do something catastrophic or utterly douchey to remind you that, nope; parenting still fucking sucks. Bring on ze booze.


This is when he decided that FINE, he would come over to the dark side and sit at the same table as his crappy parents.


  • One day last week, Last Mail was making her rounds and Gayle, at the last minute, shouted, “Lisa, wait! I have something I need mailed.” Big deal, right? Except that I was bored as fuck and decided to chastise Gayle via email for speaking too rudely to Last Mail. “She startles easily!” I typed, and Gayle was all, “I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, MASTER, I SWEAR TO YOU, MASTER.” We had a good laugh (eh, not really) and then went about our day. The next afternoon, Amber1 walked by and said that Gayle was in the kitchen talking to Lisa and—-“Oh shit,” I interrupted, pretty sure I knew where this was going. Amber went on to say that Gayle was APOLOGIZING TO LISA for being “rude” and I was like, “But she wasn’t even rude!” Amber said, “Yeah, I didn’t think she was either, so I’m not sure why she was apologizing…” So I explained to Amber that I jokingly sent Gayle that email the day before but I was totally just kidding. “Oh, well she apologized and I was the witness!” Amber said, and I started cracking up. “I MADE THAT HAPPEN!” I cried. “I totally orchestrated that!” OMG I’M LIKE A LAW FIRM PUPPET MASTER. Hands down the most exciting thing to happen to me at work last week.
  • Until Terry came over to invite Glenn to some secret after-hours cook out! Todd kept sending me antagonizing emails, knowing that I was about toupchuck my giggle-lunch all over my lap.
    • Unrelated to this particular episode, I mentioned to Glenn that I thought Terry might hate me ever since The Lunch Invitation was delivered. “Yeah, and I should, too!” Glenn snapped, and then Todd and I died of laughter but then the aliens from MAC and Me came down from 1988 and brought us back to life.
  • Some people are really stoked for the pie party, and others are practically sprinting away from me as a try to invite them. FINE! I’LL STOP TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY AT WORK! #boohiss
  • It was pretty quiet during  my Friday night late shift so I made some egocentric signage with salt water taffy on the counter behind Todd. I figured for sure I would come to work on Monday to find that Glenn had defaced it, but lo—it was just as I left it! Later in the afternoon, I went back there and dismantled it myself because that way, I wouldn’t have to expend energy hating someone for doing it first. Glenn and Todd were just like, “Wow, such logic.” It’s true though, you know how badly I pout when the tables are turned.



  • GUYS. Remember all of those Riot Fest posts I wrote that you probably didn’t read because I’m so fucking annoying? Well, in one of them, I went on at length about how seeingAlexisonfire for thefirst time ever was the best moment of all three Riotous days for me andsubsequently sparked yet another unhealthy music obsession as I realized that something about their set had resonated with me, and even though I was a casual fan back in the day, now I was IN LOVE WITH THEM and about to call the tattoo shop to make an appointment to have their logo tattooed on my head. I got it bad for them, like, weak-in-the-knees, Glasgow-smiling-at-my-desk-for-no-reason bad. Anyway, a week later, at the Toronto Riot Fest, they announced during their set (they were the headliners—they’re Canadian and way bigger there than America) thatALEXISONFIRE IS BACK AND THEY’RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE US AGAIN. I cried so hard. SO HARD! OH, THE JOY! I tried to excitedly talk about it at work and everyone was like, “Why can’t you just watch soap operas instead like otherladies your age?” And then the other day, I was reading my usual music news sites on the trolley and one of the headlines wasALEXISONFIRE CONFIRMS THAT THEY ARE NOT OFFICIALLY BACK TOGETHER. My heart sank! I came into work near-tears (OK, some of the tears were a lot closer than “near”) and Glenn snapped, “You need to stop being so emotionally invested in bands! They don’t give a shit about you!” Wow, harsh. A few minutes went by and I swiveled around in my chair and said, “But seriously, why would they say they were back together if they didn’t mean that they were back together?” Glenn made a noise that sounded like a laugh, but it may have just been his patience whimpering away.
    •  I helped A-ron with a project and his email response to me was Erinisonfire and it was like, the greatest thanks I’ve ever received in my whole life. (I mean….maybe not.)
  • You know that hedge fund doucher who jacked up the price of that AIDS drug and then the Internet found out and everyone hates him now? (I excel at layman’s terms.) It was also discovered that he was an investor (like big-time backer) in Geoff Rickly’s record label Collect Records. Geoff, you might know, was the singer of Thursday and they were a massively influential and revered band. I miss them so much and have tried to support Geoff’s other projects whenever I can over the year because I feel like he brings so much to the scene and is just an overall stand-up guy. (Plus, remember when he spit in my face and it was amazing?!) But then this happened and I was like fuuccckkkkkk Geoff how can I keep supporting you now?! Luckily he did the right thing and announced the next day that Collect Records had severed ties with Martin because OBVIOUSLY. The downside to this is that now Geoff’s label is in danger of capsizing and taking down a bunch of really incredible bands with it. If you are reading this and love small businesses who were born of the desire to help nurture and promote the dreams of artists, might you consider going to the label and purchasing a thing?I personally bought the new release from Geoff’s current band No Devotion which you will LOVE if you’re a fan of the Cure, Thursday (duh!), 80s synth, or just good musicingeneral. It is seriously the shit but….Geoff can do no wrong in my eyes.
    • Also? He notoriously has super bad luck. A few days after this happened, he was POISONED and robbed in Hamburg. I mean he’s still alive. But POISONED.


  • Guys don’t worry. I’m still obsessively stroking my succulents like some shaky-cam herbiporn. Below, please meet the babe Bambi Sickafoose. I used to see her name in the credits for Twin Peaks and became instantly obsessed. I would shout BAMBISICKAFOOSE and Henry had no idea why. I recently found her on Facebook and got unrealistically excited.

  • I just bought this gal over the weekend! Her name is Alexis and Henry said he hopes she catches on fire. :(

  • I actually took this picture for Artifex Pereo because the name of their last album is Time and Place and the cover art is a pattern of leaves, so they were wishing everyone  a happy Time and Place day on the first day of fall and it just so happened that we had autumnal cupcakes at work that day with plastic leaf rings topping them! I did t want to eat a cupcake so I told Glenn to go and get me a ring. According to Todd, Glenn was having a hard time trying to guess which one I’d like because there different colors and designs I guess. He came back and threw one at me and started bitching about there being different designs and I was like, “But I thought there were just leaves?” “yea he, but there were MAPLE and OAK and….” Omg so boring.  Then Carrie and Amber2 (in a moment of uncharacteristic kindness) gave me theirstoo yay!
    • So I took this picture with my plant-babes in the background, posted it on Instagram, and Artifex Pereo commented with heart eyes. Love those guys!


  • Man, how about that Pope, huh? I made Henry watch my favorite religious channel,EWTN, so that we could watch PROPER coverage of the Pope’s arrival. And oh, the entertainment! Those newscasters are um, pretty colorful. I was really stoked because there was ample attention given to CardinalWuerl and I’m obsessed with that guy. IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, he usedto be the Bishop here in Pittsburgh. Back at that time, my friend Brian/Chooch’s godfather, was in the Seminary so he had gotten to know the Bishop pretty well. For a short time, Brian used to live right next door to me, in the housecurrently inhabited by HotNaybor Chris. There was some special mass thing happening at the church across the street, and so the Bishop and Brian were both there. Afterward, Brian invited the Bishop over for tea or whatever you offer the Bishop, and he told me afterward that he was so afraid I was going to stop over because that’s when I was super slutty and smoked a lot of cigarettes. OH HOW EMBARRASSING.
    • No seriously, it probably would have been pretty embarrassing. I was like oneNickelback CD away from being white trash verified back then.
      • (IT WAS JUST A PHASE. There is a fine line between the hard rock scene and white trash. I learned that the hard way.)
      • Now you know how I bagged Henry. LOL.
  • After our recent experience withLyft in Chicago, Henry decided it sounded like it could be a good part-time gig, so he applied and then was immediately hired, because #ProfessionalDriverStatus. Anyway, his mentor is some younger guy who apparently has had four accidents in the last year, so this is already off to a great start. I was watching Henry setting up hisLyft driver profile on the app and was trying desperately to help him, but he was basically just leaving the default responses for everything. There was a music question and I wanted him to put post-hardcore, but he left it on “Whatever suits my mood” or somethingequally as boring. Henry could havehad the opportunity to be the most colorfulLyft driver in the Tri-State area, but he blew it. Have fun being boring like everyone else, idiot.
    • Seriously, can you imagine if you were waiting for your Lyft and Henry rolled up? I hope he smiles a little. Otherwise, he just looks like an angry mountain man. But…at least he knows his way around. But there might be an axe in the trunk.
  • Seriously Donut Friend? Joyce Lavender? KILLING ME.


  • I posted this on Instagram and BARB yelled at me. GO AWAY BARB! No I’m just kidding! BARB DONT GO!

    • Seriously though, he acts shocked every time.

OK. I could go on and on but I’m stopping while I’m ahead.

  5 Responses to “Bento Boxed Bullets”

  1. The text exchange made me lol. For real lol, not the fake internet kind.

  2. HAUNTED HOUSES!!! I am pretty stoked.

    Dude, I love quinoa salads. We can eat them together one day, okay? Also while I was in Portland I went to this ridiculously amazing ice cream place, Salt & Straw, and tried lavender ice cream just for you. I was going to text you a picture but then totally forgot because I got lost in my raspberry, vinegar, and black pepper ice cream. (Which I sampled simply because it sounded the most appalling on the menu but damn was it delicious!)

    • YOU WENT TO SALT & STRAW!! Omg you’re so lucky! I’m obsessed with that place based solely on their website alone. Two years ago, two of my work friends and I were going to buy some together until we realized that shipping was like $75 or something ridiculous. ;(

      • They have to ship overnight and with freeze packets and shit, that’s why it’s so expensive. I was asking about it while I was there. It’s so good! I hope they expand across the country.

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