Trepanning by Bullets

Another work week is nearly in the bag and I’m doing some serious roof-raising because I’ve had to take the TROLLEY EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK, WOE IS ME. Henry has an entire tome of FML texts from me on his phone, just from the last five days. He doesn’t react to my devastation anymore like he used to. On that note, I would like to procrastinate further from finishing my vacation recap by posting a round-up of mindless, mind-numbing, mind-boggling mind-bullets. It’s all I got right now.

• Today is Friday the 13th and Amber1 derives great pleasure from calling my SCARY, GORY Jason Voorhees hair fascinator “cute.” She texted me last night to remind me to wear it today and I forgot. You know why I forgot? BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE IS SUPPOSEDLY TOO BUSY TO DROP EVERYTHING AND DRIVE ME TO WORK SO I SPENT ALL MORNING WORRYING ABOUT MY COMMUTE, WALKING TO MY COMMUTE, BEING INSIDE MY COMMUTE. Therefore, I did not remember to grab my Jason Voorhees hair fascinator.  I was whining about how I can’t believe I forgot the other one, and Todd was like, “Dude, just look around your desk and pick something else.” And dumb Glenn was all, “Yeah, you have enough creepy shit on your desk, I’m sure you can find something.” Thank god I keep a Jason Voorhees hair BOW on my desk as back up, so I have that clipped to my sweater in effort to appease the Friday the 13th gods.
  • Then I remembered I also have an enamel Jason pin at home that I could have worn today. One Friday the 13th in 2016 and I fucking shit the bed.
• Gayle said she loves the new Emarosa song I posted on here the other day so now she’s my current favorite co-worker. Step it up, the rest of you.
  • Also, I worked late shift last night and she came over to hound me about vlogging (THE INTERNET DOES NOT NEED TO HEAR MY VOICE OR SEE MY FUG FACE) and in doing so, she recited a laundry list of compliments, which Sandy could hear from her office, so now Sandy wants to give Gayle a framed picture of me for next year’s Secret Santa. Ho Ho Ho!
    • Glenn would have puked in his cupped hands if he had witnessed this. It was almost like listening to the greatest eulogy! AGAIN, GAYLE. AGAIN.

• I started Weight Watchers again on Monday and I am fucking MISERABLE GET AWAY FROM ME. I forgot how much “measuring” and “counting” this plan entails. I’m really bad at “measuring” and “counting.”
• The Penguins made it to the Conference Finals! They beat the Capitals on Tuesday and it was so fucking stressful and I awoke inside me the most manliest screams and the cats were like “WHO ARE YOU, DEMON!?” I ran upstairs to wake up Henry and he mumbled, “Yeah I know. I heard your big mouth.” At least we currently don’t have neighbors on the other side of our duplex. I mean, not that it’d stop me.

• Something on that shelf does not belong.
• Remember when FRANCIS asked me for my number and I was equally repulsed and delighted? The other day, I was on my break and some guy stopped me while I was waiting to cross the street. Of course, he was asking for money, specifically a quarter. I said I didn’t have one and he started to walk away in disappointment but then he stopped and said, “You’re really beautiful, is it OK that I said that?” and I was like, “HELLO, I FEEL FAT AND UGLY LIKE EVERY DAY SO YES, THIS IS NICE. CONTINUE.” Sorry, feminists. I know as A Woman I’m supposed to be all offended and scrambling to set my torch a’flame, but sometimes shit like this is nice to hear. I mean, as long as it’s not sleazy and aggressive, and this guy was neither. Then he asked if I have a man and I was like, “I mean, I guess that’s what he is” so he was like, “Do you want a broke friend?” and we both started laughing and then he told me to have a nice day and went on with his hunt for a quarter. WHAT A NICE FELLOW. Usually, when people make eye contact with me, I feel like my utter Sloth-iness makes them blanch and recoil. But wow, two nice things less than a week a part. SO BLESSED.

• That time my cats saw a bug.
• Glenn just called me Shallow Hal, hahaha.

• After losing four cats in such quick succession, I am absolutely panicked about the two we have now. I’m still glad we decided to get cats again, but I am so paranoid and bracing myself for the worst every single day. Last night, Drew was sitting on my shelf, kind of hidden in a nook, and I freaked out. “SHE HAS BEEN ACTING WEIRD AND SHE FEELS WEIRD WARM.” Henry and Chooch were like, “….she’s fine, calm the hell down.” And then today, she did seem fine. Ugh. I hate this!
• Henry asked me to marry him Sunday night.
  • I was like, “That’s great but next time try it with a ring.”
• On Sunday, we were driving to my Pappap’s house and out of nowhere I asked Henry, “If I’m ever in the hospital, like, in a coma, will you make sure I have makeup on so I don’t look ugly?” He looked at me in mild disbelief and said that was the dumbest question I’ve ever asked.
  • CAN YOU SENSE A THEME HERE? I’m clearly feeling some type of way.

• Mother’s Day turned out pretty nice. Henry and I had some time earlier in the day to go cruisin’ for succulents. The first two places we went let me down BIG TIME and I did that thing I do when I’m disgusted and want the store to know it, where I loudly profess my disdain to Henry while we’re within earshot of store employees. He gets so embarrassed but I DON’T CARE. I was like, “THIS PLACE IS FUCKING PATHETIC!” and felt like kicking shit over on the way out of Dupree’s, which is a nursery I thought I had never been  to before but then had vivid flashbacks of spending hours there against my will while my mom bought slats of flowers she would never get around to planting. So yeah, I guess I’ve been there before but the memories got lost in rage black outs.
  • Then I wanted to visit the cats’ graves at the pet cemetery and on the way there, we came across a roadside greenhouse and I hit the succulent jackpot. Now the planters Octavia gave me have hair!

• I bought my mom flowers for Mother’s Day and gave them to her when we went to my Pappap’s house that afternoon for another installment of #MakeGillcrestGreatAgain. They seemed well-received! Baby steps.
  • Then she gave me some cheesy lima bean she made and I was like, “Man this is fucking delici—-wait, is there meat in this?!” Yup. There was meat it. She said she thought she picked it all out, BUT DID SHE REALLY? #vegetarianvictim
• Gayle asked me to email her a list of my top 20 favoritest songs and she started cracking up because Foreigner made the list and she called out from her Dark Corridor, “I like Foreigner too!” So Glenn mumbled to me, “Which song did you put on the list” and I was like, “‘Waiting For a Girl Like You’, duh” because DUH. Lauren started laughing and said that didn’t sound right and I guess if anyone had missed the first part of the conversation, it would have sounded even more wrong, like how low could I ever sink to be waiting for a girl like Glenn.
  • It came on the radio the other night when we were in the car and I turned that shit up so loud. “Now we’re totally the coolest car at this red light,” I said smugly. Henry just frowned and Chooch yelled from the backseat, “God, how long is this song!?”
  • You know who else I super fucking love so much? England Dan and John Ford Coley. “Love is the Answer” came on as Henry was pulling into Sheetz to put air in the tires and I said, “I FEEL SO DEPRESSED” and then started to cry. He was like, “Oh boy.” Then the other day at work, I was walking past some restaurant on my break and “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight” was playing!! I WAS SO HAPPY AND SAD ALL AT ONCE. I put them on Spotify the other day and it turns out, I actually only like 4 of their songs. The rest are in the NOPE column.
    • FUN FACT: Both Foreigner and England Dan & John Ford Coley are featured in my favorite aerobics workout of all time, some Jacki Sorenson 1970s shit-show that my mom had on VHS and I became completely infatuated with when I was a kid.
    • FUN FACT 2: ED&JFC once reviewed my blog!

• Remember my blog cards? LOL forever.
• Speaking of blogging things! My blog-friend Kate posted a really nice thing about me on her blog the other day and you should go read it and then keep reading because she lives in Saskatchewan and posts cool nature-y pictures! It was nice to know that this old blog makes her laugh. <3
  • It makes me laugh too, in the crazy “I’m going to fucking slit this blog’s throat” sense. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING NOT WORKING WITH IT! Currently, I’m having issues with it not communicating with the WordPress app and it’s stressing me out because I blog primarily from my phone because that’s how great of a Writer I am.

• We took Henry’s mom to dinner on Mother’s Day. She has a pretty restricted diet so we just stuck to Eat n Park. WE HAD A NICE TIME. I’ve had some pretty miserable Mother’s Days over the last 10 years, but the last several have been good. I think Henry has finally learned his lesson.

• The new Pierce the Veil album came out today! I gleefully announced this to everyone and Glenn said he knew so I screamed, “REALLY?” and he said, “No not really! Why would I know that?!” I DON’T KNOW. Maybe he saw it in passing while he trolls the comment section of news websites at work!?