Typically, I love summer just as much as I love fall (actually, more so because with fall comes the panic of the looming winter) but you know, this summer has been such trash for me. I have been trying really hard to find and latch on to little moments of happiness, and there have been some, but it has been so hard. Every time I’m alone, I’m crying (like right now) and I know that one day I’ll be OK again and I am actively trying to make strides toward that goal, but Jesus Christ. It feels like I’m doggy paddling in quicksand with ankle weights on.

• The Olympics are bringing me small batches of joy (also anxiety!) but I know that when they end here in a few days, I will have post-Olympics withdrawal as I always do and it’s going to hit worse and harder this time with everything else going on. (Pommel Horse Guy has been my favorite part of the 2024 Olympics! I wish that Judy had been here at least once so that I could have live-blogged on this brokedown piece of shit hacker-addled site like old times.
• I started therapy on Tuesday! I know I said I was starting a few weeks ago but what happened was – the therapist I initially contacted (my 1st choice) had responded right away but then her intake coordinator hadn’t reached out or returned my call. So Henry was like, “Enough of this, here, I found someone else for you” and it was some lady here in Brookline which would have been preferable actually for the sheer convenience of being able to walk there, but after texting with her a few times and filling out her intake forms in the portal, I just….I wasn’t feeling it. She also specializes in LGBTQ+ and then that made me feel guilty, because what if I was taking a spot away from someone who needed it? Also, I specifically said I wasn’t interested in telehealth and she scheduled me for telehealth.  But then, the first therapist pulled through! Her intake person called me two weeks ago and we had a really great chat while getting me set up for an appointment, like it felt as though I was just bullshitting with a friend. So lowkey, so casual. And she asked if I had talked to the therapist yet and I said no, not outside of email, and she goes, “Oh, you are going to love her. She is the best, so chill!” We settled on Tuesdays, and the very next Tuesday happened to be my birthday so I interrupted to say, “Do I have to start next Tuesday though? Because that’s my birthday…” and she goes, “No! Absolutely not. No, don’t do that to yourself!” and we scheduled for the following Tuesday, which was this week. When I say I felt no anxiety walking in there, but just relief, you have to understand that even going to the eye doctor has me feeling faint and vomitous. So the fact that I was this calm, it just tells me that I know on so many levels how much I needed this, how ready I was, and that what I was feeling was RELIEF. Anyway, it went so well. We just chatted about points in my intake form (she was like, “Thank you for writing so much!” and I was like, “That’s kind of my jam….” I mean, I’m a Leo with some level of narcissism come on, we all know it, so of course I’m going to happily write about myself!) and she made me feel so heard and un-crazy.
  • My favorite part though was when the subject of Warped Tour came up and she goes, “OK I have to tell you, I used to go to Warped Tour too! What are some bands you liked?” and we started NAME-DROPPING BANDS TO EACH OTHER AND SHE KNEW EVERY BAND I WAS LISTING AND I KNEW ALL OF HERS TOO and she goes, “This is so cool, I never have anyone to talk to about this stuff!” and I cried, “ME EITHER!” I think this is going to go very well. I feel comfortable talking to her, it wasn’t stiff and stuffy, I didn’t feel judged, she made me feel validated for being this shattered over Drew (“Oh, that is still so fresh! You didn’t wait very long before contacting us – that’s good,” she said, and I go, “I knew I needed help because I haven’t felt this low in a very long time and it’s scaring me” and the weight that was lifted from me just by saying those words out loud to her….)
  • We are going to start EMDR therapy soon and I am sort of anxious about it but also, that’s the reason I sought her out in the first place so I’m also excited to see if it helps.
• We’ve been doing dorm room shopping and I hate it so much. :( I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but Chooch and his roommate have friended each other on Instagram and have been messaging – he plays tennis too! They are not the same major though, which I guess has its pros and cons. What do I know.
• I was so pissed on Sunday because I wanted to “do nature,” “specifically: waterfall” and Henry took us to some place in Raccoon State Park or something and it was just…a dribble? A waterdribble? Here are some pictures from that, but first – as soon as we got there, there was a young guy at the end of the trail next to the lot and he goes, “If you see a lady in a pink neon hat, can you tell her to take the Heritage Trail?” CHOOCH AND I WERE SO EXCITED TO HAVE A MISSION! Henry of course was like, “What? What is happening?” Sadly, we ended up seeing the lady almost immediately (it was a green neon hat, not pink!). I think it might have been the guy’s mom – she looked to be in great shape but she was sweating profusely and looked like she was already several hours into this hike. Chooch gave her the message and she was just like, “*wheezing*” I could totally see this being me and Chooch one day – me being like “Hello I’m in my 50s can you slow down” and him being an able-bodied 20-something parkouring across a mountain face.

The waterfall, I guess.

Stacking rocks.

• Well, I was going to try to keep this sunny and optimistic, but this is something weird that has been making me sad: I have wanted to see the kpop group Seventeen for so long and I knew then they just announced a US tour and instead of being excited, I burst into tears because it’s the group that I used to pretend Drew was a fan of (Carat – that’s their fandom name) so now I’m just sad.
• Megan stopped by Sunday to drop off birthday treats for me and got to meet one of my Buddys as he ran in circles around her, pissed that she was walnut-blocking him.
• After we did the waterdrip thing on Sunday, Henry PURPOSELY passed up the ice cream place I wanted to go to and instead took us to some no name town by a creek where we got ice cream essentially out of the basement of someone’s house, I think?? Look, I feel bad saying this because GRANNY is blind and she seemed like a really sweet lady so I am not going to put them on blast on Yelp or anything but it was possibly the worst softserve I have ever had. It was … not soft? And tasted … off??

Granny and Pee Paw’s, though!

I couldn’t even finish it :( I threw it in the garbage. Of course, right after that, Granny came to the window and asked Henry if he thought the vanilla tasted off and he said NO??

Maybe they were just having an off day. Maybe Pee Paw was out scavenging for fresh ingredients to make a new batch in their ice cream maker:

Well, that’s all for now. The church carnival is happening and usually this paired with the Olympics would be making my head explode with content but…yeah. You know. (I will say there was a very shitty band there last night and one of the songs they performed was Wonderful Night – some broad came out of nowhere and tried to harmonize but the main vocalist was so flat that it ended up sounding even worse and I had to put on my headphones and leave the house. Henry said while I was gone, they did VOLARE and honestly thank god I missed that because it probably would have ruined the song for me. At least right now they’re just playing actual oldies via a DJ.)

 

 

 

No comments