Oct 10 2024
Today I Saw a Sign That Said…
“Autumn happens so that we’re reminded that everything has to die to be new again.”
Fuck you.
This should have been one of the best years of my life – I got married in Korea, Chooch graduated high school, we did some nice family road trips.
But no, it’s easily one of the worst. Every time I think I’m ok, I lose my mind with grief. I spent a solid 30 minutes this evening crying so hard in bed that I started to hyperventilate- I miss my cat. I miss my kid. I miss waking up and looking forward to things. I want to be ok again.
I write in here because I don’t know what else to do. People ask how I am and I say fine because I feel like everyone is so sick of me grieving. Literally have not felt this much grief since my Pappap died, what is wrong with me. I am broken.
So now I’m sitting here with my eyes swollen while Henry is baking healthy zucchini bread or something so when I eat my feelings it won’t be too caloric?! Because yes on top of everything I am still weighing myself every day because I have body image images, which we have started to touch upon in therapy so that’s been fun. Apparently, I am still extremely affected by the body-shaming my grandma used to do to me when I was a young girl girl.
Maybe therapy is helping but it is also making me feel so raw and exposed and literally all I do is fucking cry now, I’m in my salty & swollen face era. Today was a pretty significant set back.
Something weird happened Sunday night which I have no energy to write about yet but that has also been bothering me this week and I think it will help to write about it but I also feel like I am going to HARD judged because I have only told 3 people the story so far and one person DEF judged me harshly and that made me feel like shit but hey – at least I’m feeling things and I’m not numb and dead inside at the mo’???
But yeah, that incident definitely had me crying this week.
I am so fucking sick of crying. Truly.
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