Oct 10 2024

Today I Saw a Sign That Said…

Category: Uncategorized

Autumn happens so that we’re reminded that everything has to die to be new again.

Fuck you.

This should have been one of the best years of my life – I got married in Korea, Chooch graduated high school, we did some nice family road trips.

But no, it’s easily one of the worst. Every time I think I’m ok, I lose my mind with grief. I spent a solid 30 minutes this evening crying so hard in bed that I started to hyperventilate- I miss my cat. I miss my kid. I miss waking up and looking forward to things. I want to be ok again.

I write in here because I don’t know what else to do. People ask how I am and I say fine because I feel like everyone is so sick of me grieving. Literally have not felt this much grief since my Pappap died, what is wrong with me. I am broken.

So now I’m sitting here with my eyes swollen while Henry is baking healthy zucchini bread or something so when I eat my feelings it won’t be too caloric?! Because yes on top of everything I am still weighing myself every day because I have body image images, which we have started to touch upon in therapy so that’s been fun. Apparently, I am still extremely affected by the body-shaming my grandma used to do to me when I was a young girl girl.

Maybe therapy is helping but it is also making me feel so raw and exposed and literally all I do is fucking cry now, I’m in my salty & swollen face era. Today was a pretty significant set back.

Something weird happened Sunday night which I have no energy to write about yet but that has also been bothering me this week and I think it will help to write about it but I also feel like I am going to HARD judged because I have only told 3 people the story so far and one person DEF judged me harshly and that made me feel like shit but hey – at least I’m feeling things and I’m not numb and dead inside at the mo’???

But yeah, that incident definitely had me crying this week.

I am so fucking sick of crying. Truly.

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