I’m not one to dream-journal, but the one I had last night was so real and amazing and I never ever ever want to forget it, even though I feel so sad and heavy-hearted now.

OK so first of all, I was in college!? I was the age I am now, and it was so uncomfortable, plus I kept falling asleep in English class and couldn’t get words to come out right, like I was trying to talk with wet gravel in my mouth. But somehow, against all odds, I made friends with this young girl from NY named Dream (lol) and I was telling her about Chooch going to Drexel and that I felt weird for being 45 and in college and she was like, “No you’re fine!” but everyone else was straight scowling at me with disgust, like I smelt of elder-diapers and prunes, so I did not feel fine. Then I got some papers back and of course the comments were talking about what a fucking writing phenom I was. *blows on fingertips*

Then, even though I thought I was living in the dorms, I was back in the super small apartment that I was sharing with this Korean influencer who I have followed for years (IRL) – Joan Kim. She had just come back from one of her many business trips and we were hugging but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, even though I lived there. While she was in the bathroom, I was sitting on a couch and suddenly, Jonghyun from SHINee (he passed away in 2017 so this was extra jarring) was sitting next to me and in my dream, he was my best friend that only I could see.

But he was also still Jonghyun who was a real person, so this was not an imaginary friend sitch. I was SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM that I was crying. Then Joan came out of the bathroom and I had to act like I wasn’t sitting on the couch, hugging Jonghyun.

She left, and then Jonghyun and I went out. We were walking around this cute little street lined with small cafes and gift shops and somehow we were both like, “WE ARE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS” and he kissed me and I was like, “!!!!!!!!!!”  Then! A little girl said something to him and I said, “You can see him??” and she looked at me like I was crazy and then I realized that everyone could see him; somehow, we figured out that he was only “alive” in this particular town, which turned out to be a small town in France?! I guess that is where I was living with Joan Kim, while apparently going to college in the US, I have no idea. So, then I was trying to get him to stay, because then we could be together, but he was like, “I have to go to….” some other weird ass cities I can’t remember now, but I can still feel my desperation at trying to keep him here.

This is one of the only celebrity deaths that hit me hard and stuck with me. I keep a framed picture of him on our bedroom wall. I am so sad today, all over again.

This was the Jonghyun in my dream :(

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Between the weird and shitty personal things that have me feeling super down this year, Bambi dying, the election and the horrible things looming on the horizon, last night’s dream, and the fact that our Law Firm days are over for good as far as our beloved 10th floor goes (our office is consolidating floors and ours got the ax), I am just so numb and have no faith or hope. Just a weird limbo between “too tired to cry” and “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

OK never mind about being too tired to cry because after avoiding this song for years, I am listening to it now and crying hot ugly fat tears. Lock me in a dark room somewhere and throw away the key.

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