7:06pm: Remember when I mentioned I won suite tickets to a WWE event that I wasn’t trying to win tickets for? Well, that night has arrived.

I’m here with Henry, Chooch and three of Chooch’s friends who were way less annoyed about attending this thing than I was.

Will they come out of here with as much pyrotechnics as EriKa KirK???

All my work friends told me to at least come and take advantage of the free food. This is all I can eat. The meatless pierogies have kielbasa and bacon bits all over them. :(

YOU GUYS I TAKE IT ALL BACK THIS BROAD JUST ANNOUNCED WHO’S GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT AND SHE SAID THE MIZ??

IM SUDDENLY EXCITED.

MY MTV REAL WORLD / ROAD RULES CHALLENGE HEART JUST SWELLED.

7:18pm: I’ve just learned that The MIZ is a villain. I’m rooting for him.

7:34pm:

Whoever this guy is. DONT POINT AT ME.

I like this guy though:

I think everyone else hates him though. He just left the ring like a baby.

7:44pm OK my guy lost. I hate wrestling.

7:56pm: I had to just ask Henry if the bad guys ever win because this feels RIGGED.

Fraxiom is dumb.

8:00pm: LETS GOOOOOOO

I think he’s going to lose. People are freaking out over this other guy.

Chooch just texted me “Carmelo is winning” stfu boy.

You guys I just cheered alone in a sea of boos lol.

OH MAN and he just derobed to reveal a Cleveland Browns jersey?!? I extra love him lol. Everyone here HATES HIM bigly.

OMG this other guy just did 6 7 and someone behind me said “I want him to lose now.” LOL.

R I G G E D

Now I don’t have to pay attention to the rest of this.

8:30pm I’m clearly not in the know.

Ok what wow:

What in the Hills Have Eyes is this.

8:38pm: I just took a bathroom break because I don’t care about anything now that The MIZ has lost.

Henry is just happy that I won’t be buying merch lol.

8:46pm: wow what a shocker the guys everyone wanted to win won.

That thing in the dress did nothing btw.

8:51pm: intermission. They just announced the main event or whatever and it’s some guy who is a champion. Never heard of him.

Apparently the Chex mix is the Pgh Penguins snack mix.

OMFG I just said that the MIZ should go back to doing The Challenge and Henry frowned and said, “His body is too beat up. He moves so slow.” W O W.

Dude the amount of times I’ve said, “this has got to be almost over, right?”

9:08pm: THERE ARE TWO MORE TITLES ON THE LINE.

Chooch and all his friends are recording this guy. I guess he is someone.

Wait everyone likes this guy more.

OMG:

Wait I think those guys are on a team never mind.

9:31pm: yay finally people I wanted to win won so I got to clap. Also WWE has lots of inside jokes I’m not privy to but they seem stupid so I don’t care.

I yelled THAT MEANS CRAZY IN KOREAN and Henry was like ok sure but then I googled her and that’s why her name is Michin so STFU to everyone who doesn’t listen to me.

questions:

Do ppl ever actually get for real hurt doing this?

And if so, how would anyone know it wasn’t part of the act?

Omg Henry is sending videos to his work friend.

THIS REF SUCKS.

9:46pm: THE MAIN EVENT IS STARTING. chooch and all of his friends have their phones up, recording lol.

The one guy is McIntyre. Never heard of him. I guess he will be wrestling the top guy whom I have also never heard of but Henry informs me I know his dad.

This McIntyre guy is like 50.

who???

Holy shit is hair plastic??? Is he from LAZYTOWN??

All the sadistic fans in the crowd wanted the table and now they got the table.

 

10:35pm: welp, waiting for the T with a bunch of unruly WWE fans. What a weird night.
Henry is bragging to Chooch about going to THREE OR FOUR WWF events as a child bc Judy knew someone and one time – HE GOT TO SIT IN THE FRONT ROW. Chooch and I both said “wow” in an our monotoned surly teen voice at the same time.

ETA: Home now – I just asked chooch if his friends had fun and he said, “yeah I’m pretty sure the only person who didn’t have fun was you.”

W O W. OK first of all, I was fine?? I just wanted more of THE MIZ. I thought at the end, they’d all come out for a goodbye parade like the idols do at KCON and other Korean music events and award shows but I guess not?? It just ended with that winning guy with the plastic Ken hair?!

Also one of the guys in the suite next to ours was so hostile but in a very PG way and kept screaming YOU STINK! and WE WANT THE TABLE!

I’m so ready for bed.

*******

ETA Part 2: It’s the next morning and I have had time to collect some sober, unstimulated thoughts. Here we go:

• I neither liked nor disliked the evening. The MIZ was fun, I was bored numerous times, it didn’t hold my attention but I also didn’t feel anger being there. So that’s something!
• I LOVED WWF as a kid in the 80s. There wasn’t a single wrestler there last night that gave me nostalgic vibes. In fact, I have already forgotten every single one of their names except for the Miz of course and MICHIN!
• That son of Rhodes guy is GENUINELY the best they’ve got??? That’s pa-THET-ic. That guy was so fucking lame and boring??!
• WWE by far has WAY more diversity than I remember WWF having back in the day so I will give them snaps for that for sure. (But also, how is TRUMP able to support this??!! lol)
• I liked that they gave love to the kids with disabilities down by the…rink? No, ring.
• I’m just happy that Henry, Chooch and his friends had fun. I can’t remember the last time I saw Henry laugh so much (????) and I kept looking across the aisle at Chooch & Co and they were taking pictures, cheering, and actually paying attention which was wild because I was way on the other side of the attention span, dangling, holding on with three fingers.

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