I’ve been following this little local theater on Instagram for a few years now and have been dying to go to something, anything, there everything they do feels so me-coded that I honestly couldn’t imagine anyone I know wanting to go to anything there with me. I know, I could go alone, but I don’t always feel secure enough for solo outings!

But then a few moths ago, I saw a post from Glitterbox about an upcoming film screening from local artist Sandy Loaf and it looked EERIE and definitely reminded me of something that Henry and I would have rented at Incredibly Strange Video back in the day. So I figured, a film screening! That’s a good way to indoctrinate myself into the Glitterbox scene, and something that I thought Henry wouldn’t be too opposed to.

When I tell you I have been LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS EVENT! I was so giddy yesterday (well, until my neighbor pissed me off and killed the vibe) that it was everything I could do just to get through work.

This was one of the poles near Glitterbox, a good sign.

Meanwhile, Chooch the Film Buff was like, “Wait, what movie are seeing??” and then, “Sandy Loaf better get on Letterboxd.”

FINALLY!!

Of course, we were too early because I misread the info and thought that the movie started at 7PM but doors opened at 7PM and it started at 8PM. The door was locked but some people were coming out so I asked if it was open yet and they were like, “Um, not sure but it’s probably fine to go in!” so we were going to but then the door locked behind them and I was like, “I AM NOT KNOCKING ON THIS DOOR” but!! That gave us a little taste of how friendly the people were going to be that night! I got good vibes immediately. This will mean nothing to anyone reading this but I texted Chooch, “Basically everyone here seems like they could have been Cheryl’s roommate at one point in their lives.”

Cheryl was Chooch’s piano teacher for many years but she taught in a very avant garde, non-traditional way, using a keyboard and punk aesthetics, having been in bands for years. She moved around A LOT and had the coolest rotating array of roommates, all very artistic, non-binary, queer, trans, awesome. I loved that while Chooch was learning a musical skill, he was also hanging out with very cool and awesome people so there was no way he was going to grow up to be anything even slightly resembling MAGA. To this day, I credit Cheryl with teaching him so much more than keyboard, whether she knew it or not!

We eventually went back, after chilling in the car to kill time, once we saw people turning the corner toward the theater. Bro! Immediately, I was obsessed. It’s a small space, and the lights were dimmed and intimate. And there was a living room set up off to the side with the big face thing from “Smoker’s Lounge”!

Even the concession stand experience was wonderful! The person manning the counter was actually the projectionist and filling in for the regular concession person and kept apologizing to us but 100% there was no need! First of all, I want to shoutout the fact that they had TWIN PEAKS playing on a tiny TV. The whole fucking vibe of this corner screamed my name. DOES MY HOUSE NEED A CONCESSION CORNER?!!?

OMG HENRY DOES IT?!!? CAN WE?

I got a SPICY Jackworth Ginger Beer. Not-the-Concession-Person raved about it and said it was their latest obsession so I was sold. Hoo boy, it really did have a KICK, and not a quick kick either, but a rapid-fire punting that lasted even after I drained the can of the last fire-spitting drop. Delectable! It’s also made right in Homestead, which is wheee Glitterbox is located! Love the local support.

I kept the can because I wanted to put the label in my journal and now that I’m looking at it in daylight, I see that HABANERO is a listed ingredient. Well, that tracks!

I also got a snack-sized pack of Goldfish! And a Glitterbox sticker!

Before the event started, Sandy Loaf was experiencing technical difficulties getting her telephone microphone to work. The Not-Concession-Stand guy and someone else (Sandy Loaf’s sister, I think?) were trying to fix the issue and this might have been Henry’s favorite part of the whole night, trying to identify the issue from his hemorrhoid-inducing seat. The envy he must have felt when the man in front of us eventually succumbed to the same desire and got up to troubleshoot the issue. I don’t think he ended up being any help though so Henry probably wrote something smug about it in his imaginary diary after we got home last night.

Before “Smoker’s Lounge,” the evening started with:

16mm Projection by Flea Market Films

• There was lengthy footage of a forest fire with someone plucking at out-of-tune guitar which added an incredible amount of dread and tension to an already panic-inducing visual account of preventable devastation and tragedy. (It started with someone tossing a lit cigarette out of their car window.)
• Some pretty hilarious vintage commercials too, including one for Kent cigarettes (it was a whole theme, you guys–not only was Sandy Loaf’s film called Smoker’s Lounge, but the entire event was billed as The Smoker’s Lounge, with Sandy Loaf hosting it as “Dolores,” a chain-smoking, Peggy Lee-loving MC from another dimension. LOVED HER.) There was also a commercial for some headache medicine and I asked Henry if he used to take it when he was a kid – you know, since he’s an elder – and he was like, “WHAT? NO! That probably had MORPHINE in it.”

EDENISTIX ‘STRANDGORE’

• OK. This is exactly what I have been…craving? Oddly? It was so fucked, so chilling, the reverb, demonic soundtrack is stuck in my head and I will be haunted for life. It reminded me of when Chooch was little and OBSESSED with making me watch “the scariest videos on YouTube” compilations, like the one with a walrus person and some fucked footage of someone eating cereal that sounds so banal but it was somehow one of the scariest things ever. That was this. I was so clenched and tensed watching it that if someone had sneaked over to me and gently placed even just their pinky on my shoulder, I’d have invented a new version of “jump scare” that involves not just jumping but SOMERSAULTING out of their skin.

SPEED DATING IN MONSTERBURGH By Olivia Cunnally

• This was such an unexpected highlight! Turns out the person who checked our tickets at the door was the filmmaker! She came up onto the stage in a mask (made by Sandy Loaf, I assume!) and acted as the host of the interactive speed dating portion of the night. You guys, I got really nervous because I legit thought this meant that the audience had to speed date with each other and I started to sweat a little, because SOCIAL ANXIETY. I felt like I was in a class with strangers and was just told we had to find a partner to work on a project together, or worse—we had to READ OUT LOUD. I a still traumatized from the time I had to read one of my essays out loud in my creative non-fiction class at Pitt, ugh, I hated it so much. But no – it was just a film a various monsters talking about themselves and what they want in a partner and then the audience had to vote by cheering for each one. The one I loved the most – Jackie – was also the audience’s favorite so that was exciting! Even Henry said he thought it was “good.”

And here’s a short video from the intermission, just to catch the vibes:

And then finally, it was time for “Smoker’s Lounge”! It is allegedly based on true unsolved cases from 1988-1990 in Pittsburgh and focuses heavily on the steel mills and the long-standing, lingering pollution they created in this area. It was haunting, disjointed, confusing, artistic, creepy, alarming…I honestly can’t explain it but again — this felt like a student film we would have rented from Incredibly Strange Video and then I would have obsessed over it for months. This is exactly like that. I loved it and it was extra special to experience it with an audience AND the filmmaker. I am obsessed with Sandy Loaf.

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On the way home, I was whining to Henry about how desperately I wanted to make new friends there and he was like, “Well, you should have talked to people.” Wow, thanks, genius. Can’t wait to read your upcoming self help guide to making friends, you fucking Girl Scout.

I always feel so uncool around cool people because I’m so plain on the outside. Like what should I do, go up to people and start showing them pictures of my house, like, “This is what my house looks like and I think you would like being in it, wanna be friends?” Henry just shrugged like, “why not?” OK I’ll try this tactic next time. Then maybe I can host stuff here for Sandy Loaf!? AFTER PARTY AT THE APPLEDALES?!

The mind is reeling.

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