This song, which I have heard 100 times and while it does typically make me moderately emotional, came on the other evening and it CRIPPLED ME with the heaviest sorrow I have felt in a while. Totally punched me in the gut out of nowhere and I started sobbing while washing the dishes.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about life these last few years since Drew died and Chooch left for college and I think I have a way to explain it now, thanks to this song. I think that the years 2017-2023 were so good for me, that they could be considered the summer season of my life. Like, I peaked during those years. I got my shit together. I started having genuine fun. We started traveling more as a family and doing the whole roller coaster thing.

But then everything came to a screeching halt in 2024. Even before Drew died, really, things started to not feel right anymore. And I think that was my summer ending. I’m not saying my life is OVER now, but it’s different. It’s new terrain to navigate.

I was telling my therapist earlier this week that I have started finding joy in new things AND in old things again and even though Henry and I have been doing really fun and cool things and I have felt good about myself and life in general, I can’t help but notice that there is still that nagging void and I finally said it: I feel like all these things would be even better if Drew hadn’t died. That is the thing that is holding me back from fully enjoying things. And now I’m also living on the precipice of panic with Penelope, like I’m subconsciously counting down her days since she is an “older” cat and I’m so scared to go through this again.

Life is so fucking weird. It’s always something! And this is WITHOUT including the “outside of my personal bubble” bullshit going on in this country and the world. Sorry to get all doom and gloom and weirdly introspective, and I promise I’ll be back tomorrow with some disparaging things to say about Henry at the Armor for Sleep concert, but this was just really hitting me hard again today and I needed to think about it while typing it out. I am the type of person who needs to talk and talk and talk, no matter how cyclical, when I am upset or grieving or mad or sad. It might be annoying to those around me, but you will never catch me holding in my feelings. My therapist reminds me EVERY SESSION that I am emotionally sensitive, and she will get no pushback from me there.

And maybe this can help some future empty nester / mourner of a pet because lord knows, this was not in the parenting manual.

But god, this song, this fucking song. This was one of the encore songs they played when we saw them last spring and it broke me. In fact, when my new friend Jim from Eide’s was telling me that his mother died recently and that seeing The Midnight really helped him on an emotional level, my eyes immediately started burning with hot salty tears because RELATABLE, JIM. I will never not associate synthwave with Drew. (I still can’t listen to Kalax.)

Anyway, go listen to this song. It’s beautiful. So is the video.

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