Sam. Martha. Thanks for tuning in. Today we will be talking about how I cannot get over the fact that Henry and I somehow seem to be doing more / having more fun at our old decrepit ages than we were before we had Chooch. I am NOT mad about that.

My new rule of “doing things on week nights” has been a real game changer. I feel so much less reclusive! We went to a clown show on Monday (post is coming, I’m still floating in the clouds at the memory of it all and need to come back to earth first!), Anthony Green show at Mr. Small’s tomorrow night, and last night we went to Kennywood.

Having a season pass for a local amusement park so that you can blow off steam after a particularly blah day at work IS EVERYTHING. We were only there for about three hours, but who the hell cares because it was better than sitting at home and stewing, right?

It was actually kind of (kind of) crowded for a Wednesday evening but Phantom was still a walk-on. The dad and daughter behind us were saying that it wasn’t the best coaster in the park and I was J U D G I N G them so hard. The daughter was all, “Nah, it’s still Steel Curtain for me, fam” and the dad said his was SKY ROCKET. I was like, “WOW YOU’RE SO LAME.” I mean, I waited until they weren’t behind us anymore.

Then we rode the Whip and it was actually very janky out of nowhere? When did the Whip get so jacked??

After this, the Swingshot made me a little queasy so we went to get a cookie from whatever the fuck they call their coffee shop and Henry ordered a snickerdoodle on behalf of us both and I decided that the night was going too smoothly so I became MAD because I WANTED A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE and he had the nerve to NOT READ MY MIND. So, that created some tension and I walked a few paces ahead of him because that’s what all strong, independent women do to prove a point to cis white males, while he kept trying to offer to share his snickerdoodle with me (no, in this situation, that’s not what we’re calling his weener).

So then–this is my favorite part–I decided that I was going to go in Noah’s Ark but then yelled, “ALONE” in his face and he was like, “OK wow, you are really punishing me so hard right now” and it was so funny when I turned around and saw him leaning against the fence with his dumb cookie in his hand, watching me set off into the whale’s mouth without him, HAHAHA. This is what happens when you’ve been together for 20 million. years and have nothing real to fight about but one half of the couple is a fucking purebred drama queen who runs on bitch fuel.

I was so mad though because the first room I got to, there were three teen girls taking pictures of themselves so I offered to take one of all of them and it was really cute but then I turned around AND HENRY WAS THERE UGH. He can’t fucking stay away!! I was like NO ONE ASKED TO COME IN HERE!!!! YOU’RE NOT INVITED!!!

UGH.

UGH AGAIN.

I walked ahead of him through the whole thing but every once in a while I would slow down long enough to yell, “I HATE YOU” around a corner at him.

Also rode: Thunderbolt (the only time I have ever had a bad ride on this and Henry agreed! We thought we were going to be catapulted out of it and not in a fun airtime way), Race, Sky Rocket. I made Henry ride this as penance for the cookie fuckup because it’s the most uncomfortable ride in the park for him–he hates the seats so much and always bitches about his shins lol. (Also, I canNOT believe that this could be anyone’s favorite coaster in the park,  that just blows my mind.)

Anyway. I got my steps in which is what I wanted, but I was really mad about not getting a sweet treat and pouted most of the way home until Henry stopped at DQ and I got a sundae so then I was content. I needed a SUGAR.

Well, that was it. Oh! I was excited because one of the sections we walked through (near the bumper cars) was playing “Right on Track” by Breakfast Club and I almost NEVER hear that song out in the wild. Then by the Slingshot, some 50s bop was playing, and then after that we walked right into Britney’s “Baby One More Time” — it was like walking through the decades. My favorite part was when some older guy belted out one of high-pitched “STILL BELIEVE” parts with perfect comedic aplomb.

I guess you could say that Kennywood got me….RIGHT ON TRACK.

 

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