I think after having depressing / mid Halloweens the last several years (granted mostly sure to legitimate clinical depression), I was due for a good one. And this Halloween was definitely that! Actually, this entire Halloween season was chef’s kiss, really fun quality time with Henry, lots of memorable events and hang outs with friends. Plus, IMPECCABLE weather. I think there was only one time when it rained while we were out and that is really saying something (Pittsburgh is statistically gloomier than Seattle but that is one superlative I’d be happy for another city to steal).

I was so excited for Girl Buddy to visit on Saturday because earlier in the month, Henry had turned the rind from a Cutie into a jack-o-lantern for her (at my request!). It was perfectly dried out by Saturday so I filled it with sunflower seeds and giddily presented it to her.

Girl Buddy (every iteration of Girl Buddy, going back generations!) is notoriously bitchy and particular. Typically, she loves sunflower seeds and will perch on a feeder eating them while zoning out to the rest of the work (i.e. her five children).

However, she was not impressed by the sunflower vessel and looked at me like, “I don’t know what this is, can you just give me walnoots?” Sigh. So, I gave her walnuts and then put the jack-o-lantern on the porch ground in case she changed her mind.

But then one of her kids came over and was like, “WHAT IS THIS??” Baby squirrels are the better demographic for this, I guess, because he proceeded to run off with it, LOL.

Later that day, Henry and I walked to Potomac Station even though this place is so hit or miss ESPECIALLY with their baked goods. But I wanted to get out for a bit and said, “Ugh, let’s just walk to Potomac.” OFC THE ONE I WANTED WAS SOLD OUT. I got the Haddonfield iced latte and it was fine. We split some cupcake that had pumpkin pie filling and I whispered hoarsely so as not to be overheard by the establishment, “Why do we keep taking a chance on their cupcakes when we KNOW they suck ass??” The icing is made with Crisco, I fucking swear to god. It’s just awful.

Overall though the drinks were good this time (sometimes those suck too) but the barista that day was such a straight-lipped no-fun-having broad and I was NOT a fan. Sometimes there is an older man who is working and I really like those visits because he is nice. This woman was so miserable and made me want to walk out without ordering, if I’m being honest. I’m not one of those YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE types PUH-LEASE, you have to know that, but at the same time, you have a public-facing job, can you at least not stand there scowling and making us feel like we’re inconveniencing you?

This is why usually when we’re in the mood to just walk for coffee, we will go the extra mile (literally) and walk to Uptown in Mt. Lebanon because everyone there is nice, the drinks are so much better (because they’re not more focused on collabing with D-list Yinzer influencers), and they have a wider array of baked goods that SLAP.

That’s my local coffee rant for the month.

Then it was trick-or-treating time!! That dumbass two houses up was out there pacing up and down his sidewalk again like he was last year, ready to lure trick-or-treaters away from me, but I was battle-ready.

We actually got a lot of kids this year! And by a lot, I mean, maybe 15! That’s a lot for our block! If you ever want to see my “I LOVE KIDS!!! I LOVE BABIES!!!!!” fake persona, come catch me in action on Halloween because I am out there spitting mad-believable glazes like, “OH I LOVE YOUR COSTUME!” when I have no idea wtf it’s supposed to be, or “OMG YOU GUYS ARE SO ADORABLE!!!”  to parents in a family costume centered around THEIR BABY IN A STROLLER WHO CAN’T EVEN EAT CANDY and  “LOOK AT ME, I’M PRACTICALLY MS RACHEL!” as I’m blocking the view of my pentagram rug and my mannequin flashing the entire street her metallic green jugs while looming behind me.

My favorite part was when one of the kids ended up being the baby brother of this kid Chooch used to hang out with on our street. When his mom told him I was Riley’s mom, he started to aggressively push past me and said, “Where is he, I want to say hi” in a pseudo-threading manner and I was like “He lives in Philly now, calm down bro.”

“ONE TIME HE WAS SQUIRTING ME WITH A HOSE AND MY SHOE CAME OFF!” he said, getting more and more agitated.

“Sometimes he can be a real jerk,” I agreed.

“MOM DO YOU REMEMBER THAT AND YOU HAD TO COME HOME AND FIND MY SHOE???”

His parents were like, “OK calm down, time to go,” like, trying to drag him down the sidewalk as he’s crying out, “HE NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE!”

His dad told him to grow up! LOL!!!

Anyway, I texted Chooch this and said that I was getting an earful about his wrongdoings and Chooch goes, “He wasn’t even conscious when I used to play with his brother.” I thought about this and YOU KNOW WHAT? He’s right. That kid was basically a baby back when they lived on our street with the grandparents!? If that even happened, was it a fucking BABY BOOTY that Chooch squirted off and also why would Chooch be hosing down a baby?? I would think I raised him moderately better than that.

So that was fun.

In between all of that, I was getting angrier and angrier at the guy up the street. I did end up getting more kids than him this year because he and his weird emphysema girlfriend left halfway into trick-or-treating probably because they ran out of the Hubba Bubba or whatever the Chuckles they were handing out, probably went to go buy a case of Schlitz. BTW, these are the same people who tried to push their way into HNC’s house a few years ago in order to confront his cunt wife for leaving threatening notes on their car because they were encroaching on her PARKING SPOT that she doesn’t OWN because we live on a CITY STREET. She called the police on them and now somehow they all let bygones be bygones and they’re buddy-buddy now. SICKENING. Be real or GTFO. This is why I refuse to acknowledge that bitch these days. I don’t do the fake nice neighbor skit anymore. She hates me, I hate her. The end.

Wow, this was supposed to be about how I had a great Halloween and I swear I really did!

After this, we went to Castle Blood, our favorite! I will write about that when I do my haunted house recap post in the near future.

But yeah, that was a great day. A great end to a perfect October!

No comments