Sep 052011
 

Me, giddy at the prospect of being < 90 minutes from home: “I can’t wait to hug Marcy!”

Chooch, snidely exasperated: “Like that’s a surprise.” My love for my cat is universally mocked.

******

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One final look at our cabin at the Westgate Resort.

After begrudgingly checking out, we all had one final meal at a Hardee’s in Pigeon Forge. Henry purposely neglected Chooch and me in the beverage department and then tried to deny it in front of everyone else. That’s OK; my own warm saliva is enough to wash down my breakfast biscuits.

The people-watching there was top-notch. We saw a true redneck Jonny Craig! An endless parade of hair shellacked with Aqua Net! A man wearing big heeled shoes comparable to Pee Wee’s! A middle-aged woman with 80s hair unironically sporting pajama jeans outside of the house!

Oh, Tennessee, I fucking miss you already.

Our final parking lot goodbyes were horrible. I wanted to not cry but I’m a big sensitive softie when it comes to people I give a crap about. I will never be able to fully articulate how much I appreciate that Bill and Jessi invited us down with them, and I am so glad that I made new friends in the process. Tammy, Vanessa and Ranee are such good people.

Chooch wanted Bill to spin him in the grass next to the lot before we left.

“Yeah Bill, this is your last chance to hurt him!” Henry teased.

And just like that, we left the land of “ya’ll” for the region of “yinz.”

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I think this was in Virginia. Everything looks the same after awhile.

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“Seriously? More mountains? Are you kidding  me?” Somewhere in West Virginia—the Bluestone Lake or some shit.

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In the middle of our trek through the hills of West Virginia, it started raining. I kept anticipating some Sling Blade motherfucker to blow out our tires and our brains, and what better way to tempt fate than by scouring Roadside America for reasons to take us off-route.

Which is how we ended up in Thurman, West Virginia looking for a coal mine ghost town.

At least every five houses we drove past  looked as if they had been stomped to death.

“I could never live out here,” I admitted with a shiver.

“I could,” Henry said thoughtfully. Then go for it, motherfucker!

My phone inexplicably died in the middle of a one-lane road buffeted by a creek and thick green foliage camouflaging Cletus and his mongoloid mountaineer brethren. Getting frustrated that we hadn’t reached our destination yet, Henry pulled a u-turn in a huff.

My phone turned back on in the same spot it turned off.

Reaching a semi-civilized area, Henry pulled onto the shoulder and consulted GPS again. I kept swearing we had been headed in the right direction, so he finally floored it and kicked up gravel.

I think he was not thrilled about this detour, which was only supposed to take us a few miles off-route.

By the time we found it (after Henry ignored my pleas of going straight and opted to take an incorrect right turn), we had gone an hour off-schedule.

And it had started to thunderstorm. Hard.

First we had to cross over a one-car bridge. Henry parked along the side of the train tracks, praying that our puny Focus wouldn’t get sucked into the mud, while I got out and grabbed some photos. I wanted to go further into the town, but Henry kept yelling at me from the car to get off the tracks.

I spent the next hour shivering in the car.

By the time we got back to Pittsburgh, it was nearly 10:30pm. Henry conveniently waited until we were in the driveway to tell me that he wasn’t sure where he put the housekeys, so Chooch and I sat on the front steps and swore a whole lot while Henry searched the bags (it was in the one bag he SWORE it wasn’t in) and then it took Marcy a whole 45 minutes to even show her face once we got inside the house.

Chooch openly wept when he saw Speck, which broke my heart.

It’s been two days and I am still so not ready to be back.

(Also, apologies for all the posts from my phone last week, which I can only guess were peppered with even more typos than usual.)

  5 Responses to “Gatlinburg, Day 7: Goodbyes Blow”

  1. Gorgeous photos honey! Have a great night doll. Hope you can enter my giveaway!

    http://www.blondeepisodes.com/2011/09/great-news-its-back-to-school-giveaway.html

    Kori xoxo

  2. Man, I miss you guys already (although I’m glad Chooch and Speck got reunited). Hopefully we can re-live this awesome week again soon. Thanks again for coming out and putting up with us for a week, it was a fucking blast!

  3. As always, great pics! I love the railway shots, and the one of you and Chooch after you pushed H the E off a cliff is really lovely!

  4. those pics are awesome. So sad I missed you in TN…sounds like you got the full experience though! Gatlinburg really is prime for people watching.

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