Rue the day I learned about alliteration in elementary school, my friends. Rue the motherfucking day.

Anyway, I got caught in two crazy spring downpours this week and neither of them are that exciting, no one melted or anything, but it was still kind of fun in a carefree, forget-all-your-worries-and-pretend-you’re-a-kid kind of way. We all need a good run in the rain, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

The first one happened on Mother’s Day. It had stormed really hard that morning but then the afternoon had shaped up to be a beautiful, sunny May day so I suggested (lol, j/k: demanded) that we take a family walk in Highland Park to honor my shitty mom-ness. There was little push-back from the guys of the house because they know better than to fuck with me on a holiday where I start out acting like I don’t care that they did nothing for me but then a quarter of the way through it, glass is shattering.

See also: Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Halloween, the other days in between.

Highland Park is really pretty but then there is a HUGE DISGUSTING WATER RESERVOIR THING in the middle of it and even though I know it’s there, it still catches me off guard every time and then Henry starts talking about filtering systems and other gross things and I’m like, “How many hobos piss in this tho, that’s why I don’t drink tap water” and he’s all, “Oh ho ho ho where do you think your bottled water comes from then” and I’m like THE FIJI FUCKING MOUNTAINS, DICKHEAD.

J/K, I drink the filtered tap water at work but sometimes we find like, silt in there and then we report it and the facilities lady is like, “THAT IS NORMAL. JUST DRINK IT. IT WON’T KILL YOU.”

Bitch then why am I typing this from my fucking coffin.

Halfway through our walk, the sky looked like this.

FOREBODING.

But Henry was all, “Don’t worry about it. My weatherman degree tells me that the storm is going to miss hitting us. We’re at the backend of it” and then all I could think about was the storm’s butt.

DISGUSTING WATER FILTERING HOUSE THING!!!!

*GAGBURP*

And then it started raining. Like RAINING. Like the hard pelting kind of rain that actually hurts your flesh. “Run!” Henry yelled and we turned and ran back to a nearby pavilion and you guys, it was so hilarious and fun and not just the fact that we were frolicking in the rain but WATCHING HENRY RUN! Oh god, Chooch and I were dying!

There were several joggers who passed by and Chooch kept yelling, “COME HERE WITH US! BE SAFE!” but then they would see Henry’s menacing and uninviting crossed-arm stance as he leaned against a picnic table, so they would be like, “Nah, it’s all good. We’d rather just drown out here, thanks.”

God, that was a fun Mother’s Day activity! Chooch thought it was hilarious because I was wearing a white shirt, but at least I had a cami on underneath it so I wasn’t trashing up the park with my obscene fashion.

****

On Wednesday, Henry and I dragged ourselves to the school for yet another one of those dumb concerts that Chooch insists on participating in. J/K, we do enjoy watching him sing with the chorus but the band, you guys. The band.

The theme was Sock Hop or something 1950s so all the girls had to wear poodle skirts or whatever. I think a bunch of moms got together and had poodle skirt craft night and I felt so blessed to have a son who only had to wear jeans and a white t-shirt, purchased an hour before the concert, thank you very much. Chooch was already at the school when we arrived, standing out front with his friend Sharyn, passing out the programs*. I noted immediately that Chooch was already sweating through his shirt, literally 20 minutes after putting it on, so that was cool.

*(The program is how I learned that my kid is secretary of the Chorus. “Did we know this?” I whispered to Henry. “I did,” he said with what might have been mistaken for…triumph? if Henry was actually capable of showing emotions. But he’s not, so maybe he has suppressing a burp or swallowing diamonds that he needed to hide from the Albanian mob.)

We sat down in the second row which was The Big Time for us because usually we hunker down in the very back. Actually, we had no choice but to sit there because it was the only two empty seats left. While Henry critiqued the poor program-printing (he always fixates on this), I eavesdropped on the family in front of us arguing about YANNY or LAUREL. I was obsessed with the mom (she was so pretty and cool and Asian) and realized that she’s my soul mate when I found out that she heard YANNY. (Henry heard LAUREL because he’s basic.)

There seemed to be A LOT of screaming babies in that cafeteria, more than usual, and they were FEEDING off each others’ wails. The baby behind me was doing this bizarre mogwai-gurgle that I was starting to suspect it had JUST BEEN BORN that day; it sounded so fresh from the womb.

I don’t know what’s worse though: crying babies or elementary school band?

This time  the show wasn’t so bad because the usual band director couldn’t be there and he is such a pompous jerk! The chorus teacher took over and did both parts of the spring program and sorry regular band teacher, but she did a much better job.

All the songs sounded like one long, drawn-out Christmas song to me though, until the very end when they played Love Me Tender and the lady behind me shouted, “OH, I KNOW THIS ONE!” Same, lady. Same.

Henry didn’t clap for them once.

And then the chorus came out and they all looked so cute! Chooch got to announce “Rock Around the Clock” and he enthusiastically said “Bill Haley and the Comets” with this weird hip-swivel and a bunch of people started laughing.

That’s my son, I whispered as I sunk down in my seat.

During the concert, it began to downpour. Like, possibly harder than the one we were caught in on Sunday. Henry only brought one umbrella and no way a family of three was going to fit under it. He kept telling us to just hang back and wait it out, but I was like, “BITCH I’M HUNGRY I’M GOING HOME” because I had barely eaten anything all day since I had to fast for the dumb wellness exam at work and then didn’t have any Cream of Wheat for lunch and I know what you’re thinking CAN’T SHE GO TO A STORE why yes, yes, I can! BUT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT SO I ATE RAINBOW GOLDFISH FOR LUNCH INSTEAD.

That’s the beauty of being an adult.

After a full minute of “waiting it out,” in the school lobby, Chooch & I were like SEEYA SUCKER & ran home with the only umbrella, leaving Henry there at the school umbrella-less, waiting out the rain, but joke’s on me because WHO WILL MAKE MY DINNER.

The best part is that the people at the school were probably like “Aw that’s nice, they must be coming back with the car to get their dad.” LOL NO.

We only live two-ish blocks from the school (I don’t understand how blocks work) but that rain was pelting down on us so hard that it was knocking us around! And the road was already flooding (seriously) so we were terrorized by cars flying through the road-lakes and I had white shoes on that are probably ruined now, j/k Henry will wash them haha.

The best part is that now it was Chooch’s turn to be the one in the white t-shirt.

Then Henry had the audacity to tell me to bring an umbrella up to him and I was like, “Are you kidding me? Put your big boy pants on and run home, tough guy!”

Then I told Henry to ask the vice principal for a ride home since they’re BBFs apparently (Henry had to talk to him a lot back when Chooch was the school menace in 4th grade, good riddance to THAT year) and then I got a FLOOD WARNING on my phone, so I told him to just float home like he’s on the Lazy River at Sandcastle (that’s a waterpark in Pittsburgh in case you don’t live here and think I’m getting lost in my dumb imagination again) and then Chooch and I were practically peeing our pants with laughter and it wouldn’t have mattered if we had because we were already drenched.

And then looked what washed ashore!

I was like, “ARE YOU MAD AT US” and he started to say something about how it’s just rain but I was already interrupting him to tell him to make our dinner.

And so he did. The end.

I had all kinds of plans to write some more about our trip on here today, but I am surrounded by so many distractions! Mostly the walking challenge, which I swore I wouldn’t let get the best of me, yet here I am on the final stretch, exhausted and rarely settling for anything less than 30,000 steps.

Lou (see also: #ughlou) sent out an email to the department the other day because he brought in some cookies his wife made so I replied (held back and didn’t reply all) and said “Maybe you should hand deliver one to everyone so you can get some steps” and then he had some lame excuse about having pink eye and Wendy was like “Yeah. But your legs still work!” And Carrie said, “Pink eye. Not pink foot.”

When we came in fifth place again, Carrie pointed out that this is actually pretty impressive for a three-member team and you know what, she is RIGHT.

#ughlou

If I had registered as an individual, I’d be in second place but the person in first has nearly 100,000 steps more than me! (Total steps, not daily.) Bitch how?! They clearly work at home on a treadmill.

I mean, if I didn’t have to go to work everyday, I’d have lots more steps! BUT I HAVE TO SIT AT MY DESK SOMETIMES.

The other distraction is, as always, Kpop videos. So many good ones have been coming out this spring but lately I am super-feeling this one by VIXX:

VIXX has such beautiful concepts for their music videos. I have watched this one over and over because it’s mesmerizing, plus the song is gold.

Also, I just found out last weekend that Henry apparently doesn’t like VIXX at all but he can give me nothing to back his claim. This is crazy to me because my #1 most played song of 2017 according to Spotify was VIXX’s Shangri-La so be must have been in major ear-hell every time I’d get in the car after work and fucking blast it.

It just goes to show how different we are because if he put on something I hated, I would probably start hissing in tongues and clawing upside crosses into his back.

While he was driving.

And then bring it up for the next 30 years.

“REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU PUT ON TED NUGENT IN THE CAR?!?!?!”

Anyway, I have accumulated my 30,000 steps for the day and I’m going to pass out in my bed now and hopefully buy KCON tickets tomorrow, wooooo!

For those who are like, so over the vacation recaps, here’s a blog post chockful of happenings from last week. Tres exciting. Oui oui.

NEIGHBOR “NED”‘S BACK

So my neighbor (“Ned”) who was recently raided in a drug bust (his hearing is next month, we checked lol) and GAVE CHOOCH AND ME A FAKE NAME stopped by last Saturday to get the rest of his stuff (can’t wait to see who my next neighbors will be #help) and I was spying from my window when it occurred to me that I’m always pointing my neighbors out to my friends like “THAT’S THE ONE ON HOUSE ARREST” or “SHE MIGHT RUN A METH LAB” or whatever but I wonder if any of them are like “THAT’S THE PSYCHO WHO IS ALWAYS JOGGING IN PLACE OR DANCING TO WEIRD KOREAN MUSIC IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW.”

But holy shit, Ned came back the next day too to get the rest of his stuff and I was dying to talk to him but I held back. But then I saw him out there taking pictures of the damage that was done to his car and I just couldn’t help myself, I ran out there without any makeup on because I needed him to know what happened to his car. Henry was leaving at the same time to take Chooch to his piano lesson and I could tell he was dismayed that I went out there and involved myself.

Wow, I thought he’d brush me off but NO, he started talking to me ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY!

“You were there when it happened, right?” he asked, and I was like, “Hoooo boy, are we really going to talk about this right now, this is so WISTERIA LANE!” but it turns out he was only asking because he wanted to know if I remembered what time everything happened.

“I think around 6:00am,” I answered thoughtfully.

“Are you sure?” he asked, “because those guys in that house said it was about 5:30.”

As I was mulling this, he told me that the search warrant said the cops couldn’t come in before 6 and he was sure that they did, and he has an investigator on the case, and he’s going to come and talk to the other neighbors, could he come and talk to me too?

“YES, SEND HIM TO ME. I WILL TALK TO HIM,” I said firmly, dying at the chance to bring down the popo, especially after Ned told me about the racist bullshit they said to him that day.

Meanwhile, the broad who was living there with him is in jail! He said something about how she violated her work probation or something, all I know is that I’m sure she framed him and this was all about her all this time so I don’t care that she’s in jail.

After I wished Ned good luck, I came in the house and called Henry.

“No, it was probably around 6,” Henry said, while I was screaming about him about being. “Here, I’ll check my texts and see what time you texted me about it that morning….it was 6:03am.”

“NO, probably that’s just when I woke up and they had already been in the house for QUITE SOME TIME!” I yelled.

Then I asked Chooch when he came home from piano.

“Mmm, it was after si—-”

“NO YOU’RE WRONG, YOU IDIOT, IT WAS LIKE 5:30, GOD!!!” I cried. “I can’t wait to talk to that investigator, I’m on a fucking crusade for Ned’s innocence,” I said.

“Well, if you have to testify, they might as well just put him in jail now. You have NO control over your temper,” Henry sighed.

SPRINGTIME PLAYGROUND TRIPS

Just the other day, we drove past one of the playgrounds in Brookline and I felt kind of sad that Chooch is well past the age of playground trips, but I also felt relieved too because I always hated the inevitable small talk that would happen when a mom would sidle up beside me. UGH.

But then last Sunday, Blake asked if we wanted to walk to the playground with him, Haley, and Calvin. EFF YES WE DID! I needed steps for the walking challenge! And you know, we’re always up for hanging out with fam.

One thing that hasn’t changed — Chooch still sucks at pushing himself on a swing.

And one thing that HAS changed: Calvin can walk now!

We stopped at Las Palmas on the way back and I used this as my opportunity to snap a pic of my longtime taco cart boyfriend. Henry was just like, “Whatever.”

WALKING CHALLENGE UPDATE: WEEK ONE

The results for week one were released and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I made it in fourth place for individual walkers without even really trying, and my team made it in the Top 3! (YOU’RE WELCOME, C.E.W.L. AND THE GANG.) I won a $10 Starbucks gift card for my efforts, but I will likely not win anything in the next mini-challenge, which is “best healthy recipe.” Glenn was like, “Yeah, maybe Henry could win that one for you” but I’M NO CHEATER. So I won’t be submitting anything for that mini-challenge.

“Stop walking so much,” Ethan said to me when I passed him in the hallway, and then Sandy called out, “Professional walker!”

“I’m back!” I laughed, and you know what? IT FELT GOOD. I think sitting out during those last several Walking Challenges was a good thing because I feel less burdened.

We’ll see how I feel when the next week of results are released though, lol.

CHOOCH’S BIRTHDAY WAS THE WORSTDAY

I had the day off on April 25th because it’s my annual “nursing phantom c-section pains” and “wallowing in self-pity for having a [insert age]-year-old.” Did you know that I have horrible luck when it comes to taking off random days in the middle of the week? Well, I do. And this day was no different. I noticed that Drew was acting super weird, walking around the house and then squatting like she had to pee or poop, but nothing was coming out. She never goes to the bathroom outside of her litterbox, so that in and of itself was bizarre. Immediately, I was like DREW IS DYING and was in panic-mode until Henry came home from work and we were able to take her to the vet for an emergency appointment. At first, the vet said that it appeared Drew had a bladder blockage, which I had read on the Internet earlier because YOU CAN’T TELL ME YOU DON’T GOOGLE WORST CASE SCENARIOS TOO, but that this was very rare in a female cat which I had also read earlier, and this was the part where I was waiting for her to basically tell us this was the feline version of the Crying Game but no, Drew is still a girl and the X-rays actually revealed NOTHING, no stones or crystals which meant no surgery, and the vet was able to physically express Drew’s bladder THANK GOD so crisis averted but this still cost us so much that we had to pay out of three different accounts, oh that Paycheck-to-Paycheck lyfe, y’all! Honestly though, we were so grateful and relieved to be bringing home a healed and healthy cat that I would gladly pay that again.

Chooch: Guess I’m not getting a birthday present now.

Me: We just kept your goddamn cat alive – WE GAVE U THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL.

Ugh! Kids! And pets!!

We weren’t home for more than ten minutes when I stepped on the edge of one of the cats’ scratch pads and rolled my ankle so far that the top of my foot was touching the floor.

WOW THAT FELT GOOD!

I honestly can’t remember the last time I was in so much pain that I was screaming out loud. I fell back onto the chaise, writhing in pain, and screaming WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY like the Nancy Kerrigan of the Law Firm Walking Challenge, trying to find a way to blame whoever was in fifth place for Week One.

Somehow, I was able to walk it off, literally, but ended up walking with a slight limp for the rest of the week. That was a close call, C.E.W.L. and the Gang, but don’t worry – I’D WALK ON CRUTCHES IF I HAD TO.

We were both doing much better by the next day.

Honestly though thank god this little nutcase is back to her normal, spring-footed self.

BTS WORLD TOUR

Sometime last week, I started to see rumors that BTS was about to announce a world tour. I got excited for a split second and then felt immediately stressed and hoped that it actually was just a rumor because I wasn’t prepared for this. Not at all. Especially not after just dropping $500 on a vet bill (LOVE YOU, DREW). But then it was announced on Thursday and I was immediately thrown into psychological turmoil, thinking of all the things around the house I can sell. (ANYONE WANT A 12-YEAR-OLD WHO ENJOYS SHOVELING SNOW IN THE WINTER?!) And then the very next day, it was announced that tickets are going on sale NEXT WEEK. NEXT FUCKING WEEK! Like, give some Armys a chance to fucking scrounge up their allowances OK?! (J/K I’m not an Army but I do like BTS a lot.)

Henry jokingly said it was too bad that BTS tickets weren’t one of the Walking Challenge prizes and an image of the bloody stumps I once called “feet” flashed across my vision because bitch you best believe I would walk until I collapsed for a chance to win tickets.

“You’re going to have to start doing odd jobs around town,” I said to Henry, very matter-of-factly. “Like, surely someone needs their chimney swept or something.”

“Yes, because that’s exactly something I know how to do, sweep chimneys,” Henry said with a mouthful of sardonicism. WOW I THOUGHT HENRY COULD DO EVERYTHING. So much for the Mary Poppins role-playing I had in mind for later.

At one point Saturday night, Henry called out from the kitchen, “WHAT are you doing?” Oh, I was just laying upside down on the arm of the couch with my arm splayed across my face, thinking of how impossible my chances of getting tickets are. These fuckers are going to sell out so fast, between Armys, dumb Americans who just jumped on the bandwagon thanks to motherfucking Ellen DeGeneres and that awful Desiigner remix, but most of all THE TICKET RESALE COMPANIES. Oh, I just feel sick.

Add to that the fact that Henry heard one of their songs at the grocery store, and I had no idea they were at “grocery store sound system” levels of fame in the US so RIP any hope I had for getting even a nosebleed seat.

Send me prayers on May 5th, you guys.

UPDATE: Wendy just told me that she would help me get BTS tickets if I paint her house. I don’t think I like BTS that much, though.

IMPORTANT WORK NEWS

The new admin assistant started last week and I really like her! I’m not sure if anyone told her yet that she’s acquiring a new Work Child with her position, but she has several adult children so what’s one more, right? Glenn was like, “Hopefully she knows how to cut apples.” I mean, duh.

(I literally, as I’m writing this, woke up Henry to cut an apple for me and then I didn’t even finish it because it’s NOT SO GREAT.)

I said something to Todd about how hopefully she will start buying me presents too and he was like, “Yeah, I don’t see that happening.”

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

I mean, we walked out of work together today and I basically saved her from getting hit by a car and by that I mean we were crossing the street and there was a car way at the other end and I was closest to it, so….I pretty much blocked her.

***********************************

Well, that’s all for now. The Korea posts will resume tomorrow, GET SOME SLEEP TONIGHT, lol.

My only plans for this weekend consisted of walking & more walking, but we did sprinkle in some other things too. Nothing too riveting, but here are some pictures anyway while I’m taking a break before my last surge toward 30,000 steps. (I have a sickness. Help me.)

Saturday morning, we went to the gifted center because Chooch has been taking some kind of Lego robotics class there on Saturdays and this was the last class until next fall, so parents got to come in and see what their kids had accomplished. In our case, there wasn’t much to see because, as expected, Chooch spent the year doing more socializing with his partner Jamin than actual coding. Jamin proved this as well when he arrived later and struggled to show his family what he had been working on. It was whatever though because those classes were free for gifted kids and he made a friend out of it, so we can’t complain.

We were one of the first to arrive though and I was in dire need of coffee. There was a Keurig on the snack table with a wide array of K-cups so I waltzed right on over and helped myself because when I need coffee, I am suddenly Miss Independant. I took my coffee and sat down at a table, acutely aware that no one was else was scavenging the snack table but I didn’t care.

Moments later, a small crowd of parents had clustered in front of the Keurig and there was a hushed dialogue of “Are we allowed to use this?”

“I smelled coffee when I walked down the hall and now it’s all I want,” one parent said wistfully as I sat back and openly chugged on the root of the scent they were talking about. LOL just make a fucking cup of coffee you weirdos! Shit.

We came home to two packages from Maya! One of them contained a delicious assortment of K-snacks and it brought a tear to my eye. It was almost like being in South Korea again! I immediately dumped it all out into my Running Man bowl, with Pentagon performance videos playing on the TV in the background. KOREA FOREVER! 감사합니다, Maya!!

Later that afternoon, we went to Tillie’s for Chooch’s belated birthday lunch. It was a wonderful meal as always (Tillie’s is super good Italian, and their homemade gnocchi is the best I’ve had this side of Italy, thanks) and we were so giddy because Christina had made me download some stupid Marco Polo app earlier so we sent her all kinds of dumb videos and the waiter was like THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING every time he rolled up to our table.

I couldn’t leave without taking a post-eggplant romano bathroom selfie. I always laugh when I come in this bathroom because Janna brought  me here several years ago for my birthday and I turned the light on her while she was in this bathroom, lolololol. My whole life has been devoted to punking Janna.

After we left Tillie’s, I made Henry pull over so I could take a picture of this gorgeous Russian Orthodox church and then do the traditional point to the People’s Building while saying, “I used to work there,” as if Henry doesn’t know that by now.

Later that evening, Henry Oppa veered from the traditional fare and instead made Korean BBQ tofu sliders with kimchi slaw, and that slaw was motherfucking Last Supper-levels of divine, my friends. Pass some down to Peter, and don’t forget Mary Magdalene if you know what I’m saying. #BibleStuff

Here are two random pictures of Drew in my room:

We ended Saturday night with a really good hour of kpop dance cardio and I was proud of Henry for putting forth a bit more effort than he normally does. Usually if there is anything involving arm movement, he’ll just keep his arms down at his side, but I caught him putting one of his hands under his chin during one of the routines, JUST LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO!! One day, Henry and I will have our own k-fitness channel, I can’t wait.

Today has been pretty boring and lowkey. I’ve just been walking a lot while watching my k-dramas and panicking about the upcoming kpop concerts that I can’t afford. What a life, right?

I’ve been on a heavy SHINee kick all weekend and have visions of Henry, Chooch, and me arriving places in perfect kpop formation:

View this post on Instagram

I don’t think it’s going to come to fruition though.

Then Henry made this wonderful noodle dinner for me :

Long live Henry though for real. He is such a good cook and I appreciate that a year and a half later, he hasn’t tired of cooking Korean meals for me every single day of his life.

After dinner, we went to Crafton Ice Cream Delight and I was so excited when Chooch ordered the apple pie sundae because I wanted to get it too but knew it would make me sick, so now I could just eat some of his and he hates sharing with me so this made it taste even better.

I was bitching about how it better worth it since it cost $6.95 and then the guy slid it out of the pick-up window and I was like, “OH OK HOLY SHIT THAT’S WORTH IT.” It was a large and in charge sundae. I’m glad I didn’t order it for myself because I’d be in the bathroom puking right now instead of writing this worthless blog post.

I just got a small vanilla cone with chocolate peanut butter dip. I originally ordered the cake batter dip BUT IT WAS DISCONTINUED. I have a really great track record of getting screwed at ice cream joints.

I snapped this picture of Henry and was all excited to post it on Instagram because he’s smiling and just I was about to type in some poignant caption about how ice cream brings our family together or whatever the fuck, Henry yelled JUST EAT YOUR ICE CREAM AND SHUT UP to Chooch, who had just mimicked Henry noisily eating his ice cream. Oh god, I love my family, LOL.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and finish walking my way to 30,000 steps. IT’S CRUNCH TIME.

Here’s a live performance of one of my favorite SHINee songs. I just said to Henry, “Onew’s face is so joyful. I wish you would just watch this once” and he snapped, “I’VE ALREADY WATCHED THIS BEFORE.” Wow.

I think this is going to be my official Walking Challenge theme song but instead of “I’m love sick” it’ll be “I’m step sick.” I NEED A DOCTORRRRRRR.

I always say I’m not going to be surprised when the weather goes batshit, because Pittsburghers should be used to it, but good lord this last week has been infuriating. Last Friday, it was starting to finally feel like spring and I even left the house without a jacket when I met Kara for breakfast at Dorstop! And the next day actually felt like July – I went with Henry and Chooch for a walk on some bike trail thing and even though I am a Professional Walker, it was too much too soon and I felt really lethargic and sick for the rest of the day.

And then it snowed three separate days later in the week so I had to go back to wearing my winter coat and scarf. In mid-April.

We took advantage of the warmth on Saturday though and got our first Al’s of the season! I say that like we’re regulars there when I think it was only probably the third time we’ve gone. I was sad though because the only reason I wanted to go was because last time I had this SIMPLY DIVINE (lol) Mexican fried ice cream topping and I needed that so bad on Saturday for some reason.

BUT NOW THEY DON’T HAVE IT ANYMORE.

At least, I don’t think they do. Chooch freaking ordered like it was his last ice cream on earth before Henry and I even made it to the window, so then the lady was looking at all expectantly, order pad in hand (I’ve never seen an ice cream…barista?…write down orders before!) and people were behind us now and we felt RUSHED and OBLIGATED to order immediately.

So we both got twists with crunchies as a topping.

Thanks, Chooch.

I mean, that’s probably what we would have ordered anyway, but still.

THANKS, CHOOCH.

Speaking of Chooch, his cat is a fucking nutcase. She started jumping on him and perching on his shoulders like a parrot several months ago (in fact, moments before I took this picture, she had jumped straight on top of his head and stood there with all four paws touching like an elephant standing on a ball). But now, she does this to Henry and me, too! It stresses me out so much because she only does this when we’re standing, and every morning before work, I stand in front of the TV and jog in place* while watching kpop stuff so I’m a prime piece of furniture for her now, apparently. The other day, I caught her started to pounce and I moved out of the way just in time and thank god because I was wearing a silk shirt! God, that would have hurt.

So that’s a thing that happens in my house now.

*(Side note: Another walking challenge started at work last Monday and I originally wasn’t going to do it but then Carrie asked me to be on a team with her and Lou, and I was like “Ugh, Lou, but OK fine” and then we roped in Wendy, so Lou named our team C.E.W.L. and the Gang even though I think 3 Girls and a Lou-ser is better. I’ve been averaging 22,000 steps a day without trying too hard because my lifestyle is way different now than it was back in the days of the original walking challenges, and I think I have been pretty calm about it. I haven’t berated my teammates and I don’t feel like flagellating myself if I don’t get 71234807230847 steps now. I mean, not like I was super militant about it in the past or anything.)

Oh, you want more work tales? Well, we had a huge cake the other day because two of our peoples are leaving us :( The next day, I was on late shift and was asked to:

1. take some cake home
2. cover the leftovers in plastic wrap and put it back in the fridge

A simple request, you’re thinking. If so, wow, how novel it must be to be so FUNCTIONING!!! Because I, on the other hand, was freaking out. The plastic wrap was so jacked on the roll that I couldn’t pull any out and the sheath of it that was already covering part of the cake from the day before had icing all over it and I didn’t want to touch it, ughhh. So I’m standing there holding this degenerate roll of plastic wrap, staring at this cake that has been butchered by too many cakecutters in the kitchen (Carrie should have just been on stand-by all day with the knife because her cake-cutting skills are legit! My cake-cutting method involves only my hands and zero skill.)

I didn’t feel comfortable asking any of the other people in the office on late shift because I’m not very close to them so they don’t know my neurotic levels of incompetency, so I did what I had to do…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

Yes sir, I texted Henry, who was already on his way to pick me up and said “Sue asked me to put the cake away before she left can you help” and his response was “how much cake is there” so I said “a lot” because I didn’t know how to measure and hahaha he came in to help me and immediately was like, “REALLY ERIN THIS CAKE IS ALREADY MOSTLY COVERED?!” but there were pieces that were already cut and on plates that weren’t covered, and also a peninsula off the east coast of the main cake that wasn’t covered by the original piece of plastic wrap because I didn’t want to touch it long enough to stretch it over.

See also: IT HAD ICING ON IT.

So Henry’s solution was to just take that piece home but that would have been EVEN WORSE FOR ME TO DO ON MY OWN thank god I made him come up. And then he carried the huge box into the kitchen, where I opened the fridge door for him and yelled Team Work which made him glare at me.

Then since he was there and I still had a few more minutes left of work, I gave him a bunch of stuff of Halloween decorations I found while cleaning out my desk for my move and said, “Here take this down to the car with you.”

Get yourself a multi-purpose Henry!

In other weird weather week news, Chooch casually mentioned over the weekend that he missed Korean food and I said, “SON, SPEAK NO LOUDER I HEAR YOU” and that’s how we ended up at Korea Garden on Sunday for lunch and it was grand but not as grand as, you know, actually being in Korea which I still cry about every day. Chooch had bibimbap and I’m so proud that he actually reaches for the gochujang now. People really can change!

Our favorite Korean restaurant in Pgh is Nak Won Garden, but Korea Garden has a nice atmosphere too. Both of those restaurants are always filled with Korean people every time we go, so that’s how you know a Korean restaurant is legit! I didn’t want to write about this because it still makes me so angry, but the day after we got home from Korea, Chooch went back to school but Henry and I still had one more day off so I suggested that we get Korean food for lunch. We went to this place called the Golden Pig and this review sadly has nothing to do about the people running it or the quality of the food, but more so the experience we had with the so-called “regulars” who made us feel like shit for being there.

Golden Pig is very, very, very small. It has a counter that seats maybe 5 people, and then two or three (but I think two) tall tables with three chairs each. We arrived right on the heels of two white men who very clearly are regulars of the place, so they sat at the counter and immediately started talking to the, I assume, husband and wife owners who were in the kitchen. As soon as we sat down at a table, I turned and looked out the window just in time to see a literal procession of cars pulling into the parking lot. Within 5 minutes, every seat was taken and there were groups of people waiting outside.

This isn’t some trendy restaurant in the heart of hipster Pittsburgh, you guys. It’s out kind of far in a place called Cecil and not in an urban setting at all. But it turns out that most of these people were coming from the same company, I guess, because the restaurant was filled with, “HEY FRED I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COME HERE TOO” and things of that cordial work-bro nature. That was mildly uncomfortable only because it made Henry and me feel like outsiders and we were crashing a party, and people definitely kept looking at us. I didn’t like it.

All blue-collared white people. This fact is important.

Then these ladies who were sitting at the counter knew the guys at the table next to us so they kept turning around and talking to them about what they liked to order there and THEY WOULDN’T EVEN USE THE PROPER KOREAN NAMES and the one lady was like, “Oh, what are things we like? The sushi roll things” and she was poring over the menu while Henry was mouthing, “DON’T” to me because I was bouncing in my seat in anguish, the pure desire to shout out, “KIMBAP!” made me have actual shakes.

But this isn’t the worst part. It came later, after our food was served, and I had this dolsot pot of bubbling hot kimchi jjigae in front of me which, have you ever had anytime of jjigae / Korean stew? It is SCALDING HOT. You absolutely cannot eat this right away. So I’m sorry, but when I ordered it, I didn’t know that there would be a mass of hungry Cecil-ites congregating inside and outside of this tiny, tiny, tiny restaurant, coveting my table.

Oh, but there was!

Particularly, this one bitch and her husband (I guess? She put her head on his chest at one point). I didn’t see them at first because they were standing inside the doorway out of my view, but Henry said that they were staring at him the whole time, watching him eat. I didn’t notice them until the moved farther into the restaurant to get something to drink out of the cooler behind Henry. Then they just stood there, so now I was the one facing them. I didn’t much much attention to them at first, but after a few minutes I had this paranoid feeling that they were talking about me, and every time I looked up, the bitch was looking right at me.

But it wasn’t until I caught her MOCKING ME BLOWING ON MY SPOON that I went from mild-paranoia to table-flipping urgency within seconds.

“THOSE PEOPLE ARE LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT ME!” I said to Henry, LOUDLY in the tone that he just loves because it means I just stepped into my PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BITCH jumpsuit and I’m ready to take flight in my rocket TO PETTYVILLE.

“I know,” he said quietly. “They’ve been staring at us since they got here. Fuck them,” and continued to eat his whatever chicken because he has way more patience and integrity than me, who was ready to launch my whole dolsot pot into her face, BE STRONG, ERIN.

As soon as I said that to him, she got all bristled and turned her back toward to me and put her face in her husband’s chest and I gave him a disgusted, “WHY DO YOU SUPPORT HER BEHAVIOR?!” grimace. So then he hurriedly looked away too.

But really? Of all the people there, you need to have OUR TABLE? You can’t wait for your turn like everyone else, or perhaps focus on the two guys who arrived before us and were already finished eating but still sitting at the counter and talking? OR MAYBE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? I know I can be hateful but I cannot imagine ever walking into a place and being such a cunt to a total stranger. I wish you guys could have seen the way she imitated me, for no reason, just because I was sitting at a table and she wasn’t!?

And then!!! The ladies at the counter were all, “Oh  my god, do you guys want to sit down?” and moved over so they could have room at the counter and I was like, “WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO THEM!?” and then they were talking about their favorite dishes there and the CUNT said in her gravelly redneck  Yinzer throat scrape, “My favorite is the sweet potato noodle, I get it all the time.”

WELL THEN CALL IT JAPCHAE, YOU DUMB BITCH!!!!!!!

Anyway, my whole point to this story is that we had just spent 10 days in another country, being the token foreigners in most of the restaurants we ate at, and not once were we EVER made to feel like we didn’t belong  there. In fact, no one ever even gave us a second glance. Yet, here we are back in Trump’s America, getting low-key harassed by some entitled cunt who feels like she belongs in a restaurant more than we do.

Now I’m irate all over again. So many people experience that condescending and denigrating attitude EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES in this damn country. So many people. I’m not saying that I felt like a victim by any means here because fuck that white trash bitch, but it was just like a big fat WELCOME HOME slap to the face, you know? The way some people treat each other here is sickening.

AND THAT’S THE END OF THIS DUMB POST.

Me: I just don’t understand why we have to tell them more than once!!!

Henry: …they’re cats?….

Hey peeps, I don’t have much time to post anything substantive today (why do the imaginary groans in my head sound sarcastic?!) but here instead are some photos of my cat Penelope, a/k/a Peen Lop. She’s a real piece.

Here she is the other night when she and Henry were already in bed (she loves him) and I had the audacity to come up an hour later.

She was very mad about this.

And here she is looming over one of my last remaining plants.I made some snide remark about she was going to destroy it and then guess who knocked it over a few hours later?

Me.

That’s all I’ve got. Have a great weekend!

At approx 7pm Sunday night, I was just sitting on the couch, minding my own, drooling over watching The Bride of the Water God….

…when I heard a series of otherworldly, apocalyptic BOOMS.

My first inclination was to think that a plane crashed in my front yard and was now milliseconds away from sliding into my house. Chooch thought our neighbor who is always working on his car dropped something because yes, the last time I checked, a wrench hitting the ground of a garage sounds exactly like 7349823 tons of metal being crushed and accordioned in our front yard.

But no – just some broad who totaled not one but FIVE cars parked along our street before coming to a stop right next to “Ned’s” abandoned car.

Henry, with his constant need to insert himself into everyone’s 911 narrative, practically swan dove out the front door mid-dinner prep, Ziploc bag of chicken still in hand, and was FIRST ON SCENE THANK THE FUCKING LORD. You know what you have, you fucking Cub Scout? A goddamn hero complex. Don’t deny it, Hank.

(Actually, Chooch and I didn’t know that Henry was out there, chicken-in-hand, until 30 minutes later when he finally left things in the hands of the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, and he was heroically marching to the house, bag of marinated chicken swinging joyfully at his side.

“OMG YOU HAD THAT IN YOUR HAND THAT WHOLE TIME YOU ARE SO EMBARRASING!” I screamed, while Chooch was on the phone with his friend from down the street saying “YEAH SHE HIT LIKE FIVE CARS DIDNT YOU HEAR IT?!” There was a lot going on.)

HNC’s wife was second on scene, tied with some other lady down the street who was all concerned about the well-being of whoever was behind the wheel because she didn’t know yet that her BRAND NEW BMW was one of the victims of the side-swiping. Anyway, HNC’s wife called 911 while Henry and the Italian guy in the next house over talked to the broad-perp, convincing her to stay in the car.  Henry, who knows everything, wrote in his (I Wish I Was The) police report that her side airbags went off but not the drivers one. Fascinating.

Eventually, a healthy crowd had congregated. The Italian guy’s daughter at some point realized that her car was also victimized and she was out there crying (apparently it was her birthday too which I deduced from the 6 times her dad sarcastically said “Happy Birthday” to her) then Chooch’s nemesis Larry came out with his dog and he was HAMMERED (Larry, maybe the dog too) and Chooch’s other nemesis The Witch emerged at some point because we live on a street of fucking vigilantes.

I guess the lady is ok, or as ok as one can be after annihilating a block of cars. She didn’t leave with the ambulance.

Now they’re looking for “Ned” and I’m like “oh hello his house was raided last month and he moved out and left his car. Don’t think he’ll mind that one whole entire side has even ripped off, probably the least of his concerns right now.” It’s kind of ironic though because every day since we’ve been home from My Kingdom a/k/a Korea, I’ve been mindlessly asking no one in particular, “What’s going to happen to ‘Ned’s’ car?”

The tow truck guy came over and was talking to me and Henry almost booted me backward into the basement so he could do the talking but the tow truck driver wasn’t interested in talking to Henry because he doesn’t have boobs.

“Why didn’t you tell the cops about ‘Ned’ when they were knocking on his door?” Henry asked.

“Because they didn’t ask me and I hate cops and won’t initiate conversation with them,” I said haughtily because how does he not know this? I’ll talk to the cute tow truck driver though. HE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK what a Prince!!!

Look at her car! The one front wheel is UNDERNEATH IT. She is so lucky that she is ok and that the only damage that incurred was to a bunch of parked cars and no human beings or worse — ANIMALS. Our sidewalk is heavy with pedestrian traffic and dog walkers so thank god no one was out there at that exact moment.

[Chooch’s review: It was spooky.]

When I first moved to the street in 1999 (ugh, I’m a townie at this point), the people living next door at the time gave me the sagest advice ever: DO NOT PARK ON THE STREET. The amount of accidents we’ve seen is super disturbing (like the hit & literal run from a few summers ago when Henry got to put on his cape once again). The first rule of living on Pioneer Ave is don’t park on Pioneer Ave, guys.

UPDATE: It’s been two hours since the commotion and everyone has long since cleared out, but now there is an ambulance that just arrived and I’m like, “Are they late!?” but they’re here for something else because why not.

I’ve been back at the boring daily grind for a week now and nothing earth-shattering has happened but here are some words & pictures to prove that I really did come back home and I’m not actually secretly living in a seedy noraebang in Korea although that sounds like a reality I could easily get behind.

I know everyone, me included, will be bitching about humidity once summer hits, but good lord can we get a fucking spring up in this city sometime before April ends? We came back home last week to snow, and it’s snowed another two or three times since then. I love the scarf that Chris made me for Christmas, but I’d like to not have a reason to wear it IN APRIL! I was especially cold on Monday, but my peeps at Crazy Mocha had me covered with their berry chai latte special. I like these new people who have been behind the counter at my local Crazy Mocha! The other people never had special drinks. Lame.

Oh well, since it’s still practically winter, I’ve had more time to wear my famous goldenrod tapestry jacket, which garnered more compliments this week — from older men, it’s almost always from older men! And not even in a sleazy way, either. Trust me, I know sleazy. These guys are genuinely just liking my coat because it probably reminds them of some sofa they had in their frat house in the 1960s, who knows.

We babysat Calvin on Saturday! And by we I mean that Henry babysat Calvin, Chooch, and me. At one point, he sent us to the gas station with $7 to get drinks. It was a mess. Chooch wanted one of those weird gas station milkshakes and I wanted coffee and we were also supposed to get Henry water but we weren’t sure if we were going to have enough money since Chooch and I couldn’t just get something normal out of the cooler like Henry told us to, so I suggested that we just not get Henry a drink but Chooch, after considering this for a cool second, vetoed this plan because he is way more mature than me.

“Well, at least make sure this is the cheapest water,” I said and he gave me this sassy look and said, “I already did, and it is.” He used the calculator on my phone to make sure we weren’t going over $7 and we seemed fine but I wasn’t sure if there would be tax because I don’t know how tax works, but then I found a quarter in my pocket, “just in case.”

After acting like boxcar children trying to spend our first ever round of panhandlin’ change, we took our stuff to the register and yay, it was under $7! We were so proud of ourselves!

And that’s the story of how Chooch and I went to the store by ourselves.

Also, here’s a video of me trying to brainwash Calvin into liking Taemin:

View this post on Instagram

Here I am looking like a total douche in my new Gentle Monster sunglasses!

The other day, Glenn disgustedly asked, “What is that you’re drinking out of?” so I got to happily tell him that it’s my SHINee bottle that I bought from the SMTown cafe and he was like, “..Wow I’m so glad I asked” and then I posted this on Instagram and his wife Amanda commented and said she was going to have SHINee playing in the house when he came home and I asked him about it a few days later and he said SHE DID, LOL. So then yesterday I sent him and Todd a SHINee video and said, “You can’t say anything bad about them though because one of them died recently!” and then we had an actual normal and civilized conversation about Jonghyun and Glenn said he “didn’t mind” the song I sent and that he likes them better than BIGBANG. #GlennsKpopOpinions

Anyway, I’m moving to the other side of the department in less than two weeks and I’m super stoked to have new victims to pull down into my rabbit hole.

The next segment has no picture to accompany it, but my felon neighbors are officially moving out. “Ned” was over there last week with a moving truck, and then the broad who I still think framed him was over there the next night with her own moving truck. So, great news, because I don’t want to live next to crims, but I’m also totally clenched at the thought of who will move in next. I’M SO SCARED. I hope our landlord actually does a background check this time.

Well, now that I’m back in Pittsburgh, my life is boring as shit again. I guess that’s OK. I’d rather have boring than drama. I will end this with my current favorite music video. I hope that one of my kpop cardio channels makes a routine for this one!

We walked to Insadong from our hotel on Sunday morning, March 25th. It was maybe about a 30 minute walk? Here are some pre-Insadong pictures with very little words.

The first picture up there is near our hotel. I always knew we were close to being to able to soak our feet for the night when I’d see the Pope!

(Honestly, I only had one day in Korea where I got less than 30,000 steps. We have a walking challenge starting next week at work so I think I should probably go back to Korea for that.)

Our hotel was centrally located near so many palaces and shrines, Jongmyo Shrine being the closest.

Streets in Seoul aren’t quiet for very long, so this was a rare sight.

Henry took us the long way (and not on purpose, my friends) but it was good because we got to see Jongyesa Temple, where you can do a temple stay if that’s something that piques your interest.

It was serene and quiet on that early Sunday morning and I honestly felt like I was sullying the joint with my dirty American Catholic juju.

Those colors though!

Henry could suddenly read Korean and told me to stop taking pictures before Buddha steals my soul. So we continued on to the main, popular drag of Insadong right after this so that will be my next post. I am such a great travel writer!

Being all chronological! (For now, anyway. I’m dying to skip ahead and write about Gentle Monster.)

Today is Jonghyun’s birthday and I’m definitely feeling some type of way seeing all the tribute posts in my IG feed. I hope he’s up there with all the angels feasting on the most celestial of birthday cakes and serenading his new heaven-friends with his ethereal vocals.

Thank you to the kind soul who shared this video on YouTube. It’s my favorite song from Jonghyun’s final album.

I hope all the Shawols are staying strong today. <3

BTS, I can’t handle you.

I’ve watched this a hundred times and keep finding new things to obsess over. This is pure unadulterated art. So dark, yet so bright. Henry’s bias Jimin looks so pure with his black hair. Too many thoughts and feels! Such meaning! Can’t compute!

Today was my last time panicking because I thought I lost my subway card thing only to remember that I gave it to Henry to hold, and my last time seeing all the birthday billboards for idols

and the last time hearing the adorable “the train is approaching” music that announced each trains’ arrival,

View this post on Instagram

and the last time watching Chooch make life-changing vending machine decisions,

and the last time watching Chooch race to get an open seat and inevitably fall into conversation with old people,

and the last time to sigh impatiently as Henry paused every time to peruse the map and still takes us to the wrong side of the tracks,

and the last time to walk past underground food vendors and clothing shops,

and the last time to see my favorite k-drama stars in advertisements.

Each station was unique and I wish we had time to explore each one. And I can’t believe how clean they are! Even the bathrooms were remarkably clean every time I used one.

One thing about that though that caught me off guard was that some of the stalls had weird little urinals in the ground, I guess you have to squat over them?! I couldn’t understand why one time when I went in, there was a line when all of these stall doors were open, so I went over to one and was like “WHERE IS THE TOI—oh.” And then promptly got in line.

Sobering reminders.

Goodbye, Seoul, and your amazing subway system that seemed like it was going to be so daunting but ended up being the best thing ever and now I’m so sad that I have to go back to Pittsburgh and our dinky two-line trolley and orange piece of shit “President.”

Already planning the next trip, don’t tell Henry.

(I don’t know why we can’t just move here. The law firm I work at has an office there and Korea drinks juice so surely Henry can find another beverage company to work for?! POCARI SWEAT, YOU NEED A WAREHOUSE MANAGER?)

For my quick Saturday update, I just want to talk about Seoul Fashion Week! I thought that it ended on Friday, but when we walked over to the Dongdaemun Design Plaza, it was still happening! I mean, you have to be invited to the actual shows, of course, but there was so much to take in outside so much to Henry’s chagrin, we decided to hang around for a bit.

Everyone was taking pictures of EVERYONE so Chooch and I didn’t feel shy at all about whipping out our phones and cameras. There was this one girl escorting around a guy wearing something made out of magazines and plastic I think, so when I took his picture, she smiled and took pictures of us too but I’m convinced that she was actually photographing Henry because SUCH TREND SO STYLE.

“Sir, what are you wearing?”

“A Faygo snapback and Everfresh Juice brand windbreaker, natch.”

I’m telling you, when Middle Aged American Warehouse Manager style starts trending Fall 2018, you heard it here first.

Korean street fashion, though. At first I was like, “Wow, it’s cool that these models just hang out and let randos photograph them” but then I quickly realized that these are just super fashion-obsessed people who turn up to show off their personal style by lining up against a wall and baiting people to take their picture. I figured this out when the couple in the above photo noticed my camera and immediately stopped smiling and posed. It was incredible and I want everyone to react this way when they see me creeping with my camera.

Seoul is spoiling me!

Can this be Chooch’s future wife though, please.

I would totally wear that girl’s jacket and spent a good hour obsessing over it.

I think it was pleather with some type of Big Bird fabric at the bottom and it brought back memories of senior year when I used to wear furry cropped sweaters and had a yellow one that everyone called my Big Bird sweater. I miss those sweaters and I miss Contempo!

I would wear this jacket too. I love outerwear.

Here’s Henry showing the kids how to really wear dad jeans.

My favorite part was before all the crowd photographing action, when we walked past a roped off area and a crowd of girls with their cameras pointed and ready. I wanted to know who they were waiting for, so we sat on a wall and observed. Eventually, a small fleet of super official looking SUVs rolled up, so Chooch and I walked over to the crowd to get a better look. Several fancy people got out of the first several cars and people started snapping pictures. I figured they were celebrities but Chooch and I were on a side where we could only see their backs.

But then some guy got out of a car on our side so we were able to see him very well.

I still couldn’t recognize him though but when he walked around the car, the crowd on the other side started screaming hysterically. I found out later it was Jeong Sewoon, a singer/songwriter who was on the second season of Produce 101. He’s super cute!

The guys who got the biggest reaction were cool-looking even from the back but I have no idea who they were and still haven’t figured it out. I thought maybe it was several guys from Vixx but I don’t think they’re in Korea right now?

View this post on Instagram

I found out later that Seulgi from Red Velvet and Key from SHINee were also there and I’m sad we didn’t see them! I would have died.

Meanwhile, we’ve been here for like 24 hours and Chooch is suddenly obsessed with designer sunglasses and shoes, and also “11 for 10,000 won” street socks (he stops at every vendor selling them) so I think he already has the right idea re: street fashion. Maybe someday he’ll borrow a pair of Henry’s jeans and be a part of Seoul Fashion Week himself.

ETA: Two week’s later and I’m watching vlogs on YouTube to try and figure out who was in my video and I think possibly some of the guys from either Pentagon or Astro?* I’m in the background of one of the vlogs I was watching and I’m stupidly excited about it lol.

ETA, Part 2: Two years later, and I can confirm that it was Astro, lol.

BIGBANG gifted us with 3:50 of pure beauty today and I am once again for leaving for work with freshly-watered eyeballs.

With G-Dragon joining T.O.P. in the military last month, Taeyang enlisting yesterday, Daesung enlisting today, and Seungri joining them all soon, this song is bitter-fucking-sweet. I want to thank them for bringing so much happiness to my life when I needed it most.

They all sound so sweet in this song. Forever kings.

Here’s the lyric video too for anyone interested in that! The lyrics are so beautiful.

Oh hey guys, B-line Story Time!

Early Thursday morning, right before 6am if my blurry eyes were looking at the time properly, I woke up to what sounded like an explosion, a loud bang, followed by tons of masculine shouting. I had slept on the couch that night because sometimes I like to fall asleep to Korean stuff playing on YouTube (leave me alone), so when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was that my living room was flooded with flashing red and blue lights. I jumped off the couch and ran to the window.

There were cops and SWAT vehicles ALL UP AND DOWN MY STREET.

My heart was racing and I felt dizzy with anxiety. My first thought was HOW DID THEY FIND ME.

I mean: I DIDN’T DO IT.

I mean: NO SRSLY, WHAT DID I DO!?

But after the first few seconds of shock wore off, I realized that they weren’t coming for me after all. Even though it sounded like they had my house surrounded and were actually INSIDE my house.

Oh wait…they kind of were.

BECAUSE THEY WERE AT MY NEIGHBOR’S.

THE GUY WHO LIVES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY DUPLEX.

WE SHARE A FUCKING WALL.

I heard an undecipherable shouting, someone yelling about drugs.

Of course. It’s always motherfucking drugs.

Chooch had woken up too and that boy wakes at NOTHING so you know shit was apocalyptic up here on P-Ave. I went flying upstairs and joined him in my bedroom, where we sat at the foot of my bed, peeking out the blinds. I called Henry at work and he said that Hot Naybor Chris had already called him because he too heard an explosion. Now that I think about it, I think all I heard was the banging of the front door being knocked in, but Chooch said he for sure heard an explosion followed by a bright flash of light outside his window and that the explosion sounded like it came from upstairs. So we think the cops might have used a flash bomb upstairs before entering the neighbor’s bedroom.

You guys. My mind was spinning. With Boots, that fucking piece of white trash who lived there last year, something like this would be expected. In fact something similar did happen to him but I was at work for that one. And that was because he robbed and assaulted a man. (Janna looked him up last night out of curiosity and I’m happy to report that that d-bag is currently in jail.)

But this current guy…he seemed so NORMAL. I know, I know, that’s how it always works. The neighbor of BTK goes on record saying, “But Dennis was so normal!” Ted Bundy’s grandma talking about how he helped her carry her groceries like a NORMAL guy. We’ve all heard that before. But when this guy moved in last spring, after the landlord literally had to gut and rebuild the interior of that unit after Boots destroyed it with his drug-induced stupors, Chooch and I went out to introduce ourselves and it became a thing that we could exclude Henry from, you know? Like, we knew the neighbor better than Henry because we met him first. It was kind of like a Parker’s sitch. I don’t want to say his name, so we’ll make one up: Ned.

I was so happy to have Ned next door after the horrors of Boots! There was a woman who lived there too, she was occasionally annoying (she talked SUPER LOUD and fought with Ned a lot) but overall, they were pretty normal people, didn’t come and go at all hours of the night, DIDN’T SLAM THE DOOR THANK THE FUCKING LORD. Just pretty regular neighbors. In fact, the only thing they gave us to obsess about was trying to figure out their relationship. We never saw them leave together in the same car, or even at the same time, and they seemed to just not like each other. I think we settled on the belief that they were siblings or cousins, maybe. She told me her name once when we were both leaving for work at the same time, but a truck drove past just as she said it so I just pretended like I heard because I didn’t feel like extending the conversation by asking her to repeat it.

One time we talked about the weather and she was like, “GIRL I WILL TAKE THIS RAIN OVER THAT COLD SHIT WE’VE BEEN HAVING” and I was like, “Ok.”

She was fairly unassuming too. Always dressed in workout clothes. Not like slummy, grimy sweatshirts or whatever, but really nice workout clothes. And she was in great shape too. So in my head, she was an aerobics instructor.

COINCIDENTALLY, she was not there while all of this was going on Thursday morning. DID SHE KNOW? WAS SHE THE MOLE? WERE THEY AFTER HER TOO?

I kept thinking it had to be her. I wanted it to be her because I really liked Ned and didn’t want to believe that he did something bad.

But after an hour of listening to the drug task team tear the house apart, an hour of crashing and banging and shattering and clattering, police radios squawking, the police dog barking, the SWAT team eventually pulled out. So I was like, “MAYBE IT WAS A MISTAKE! MAYBE THEY DIDN’T FIND ANYTHING!”

But then….I looked out the window again and saw him.

Ned.

Standing on the sidewalk, surrounded by police clad in hoodies and vests.

Hand-cuffed.

“They have Ned cuffed!” I hoarsely whispered to Chooch, and then we started to cry a little.

Like, it actually hurt to see him out there with his head hanging.

This is the third neighbor in a row over there who has been arrested in dramatic fashion (the lady who lived there before Boots was arrested by the US Marshall; we think she part of some car theft ring), but for some reason, this is the one that hurts, man. I felt some type of affinity toward Ned. I wanted him to kick out that broad and be able to have a quiet existence without her yelling at him. I was so Team Ned.

“You didn’t even know him!” Henry yelled at me that night when I started crying about it with my hands over my heart and saying, “I FEEL SO BAD FOR NED. I HOPE HE DIDN’T DO IT. MAYBE HE WAS FRAMED!!!!!”

And, in the middle of the K-drama we were watching, “DO YOU THINK NED IS OK!?”

I keep having these sad montages of my interactions with Ned whirring through my mind. Like when we were both coming home at the same time and he was telling me that he was going to South Carolina because his daughter was graduating early from college, and he was worried about the impending snow storm. And I was like, “Be careful out there!”

Or the time we were both checking our mail boxes at the same time on Halloween and he was like, “I guess I better run out and get candy, the kids’ll be coming” and I laughed, “And mine will be one of them!”

“Remember when we were walking to CVS the other night and Ned was driving down the street and we waved at each other?” I sadly asked Henry yesterday and he was like, “Please stop.”

No one has been over there since this happened Thursday morning, except for the landlord (HNC called him immediately, he’s such a Town Gossip!), and the landlord said that the cops completely trashed the place. Once again, he’s got an empty unit that needs a ton of work before he can rent it again.

HELLO DUM-DUM MAYBE DO BETTER BACKGROUND CHECKS?!

Anyway, I snuck over there last night to check for mail in the mail box because I don’t know Ned’s last name and we wanted to see if we could figure out what was going on. His name wasn’t on anything, but hers was. We looked her up and if this is the same woman, which I think probably is because her name is pretty unique, SHE RECENTLY GOT OUT OF JAIL, DRUG-RELATED OF COURSE. Ugh. But this made me have hope, that maybe it was her they were after, maybe Ned was framed, maybe he took the fall for her.

But then Henry got some intel from his cop contact who said that a normal drug sweep usually only entails a handful of cops, not SWAT. Guys I’m telling you, our street was lit up like a popo Christmas tree. There had to have been at least 20 cops out there. His source also said that coke was found, and gave him the name of the man arrested.

AND IT WAS NOT NED’S NAME.

There’s a man who is often over there, we thought he was even living there for awhile, so first I thought that maybe he was there when this happened, and he got arrested too.

But I only saw Ned in cuffs. And that other guy’s car wasn’t here.

So then I sadly let myself think the inevitable: DID NED GIVE US A FAKE NAME.

We looked up the name the source gave us and if it’s Ned, then we have essentially been living next door to a leader of a fucking heroin ring. There was a well-known incident here in Pittsburgh from the early 2000s that this guy was involved in, where a popular and infamous nightclub was used as a front. The DEA was involved and this guy, if it’s actually Ned or not I don’t know, served about 10 years in prison but then was let out when some law was passed to reduce sentences for non-violent drug crimes. The dates match up. The age of the guy named in the articles we read match the age of the guy arrested next to us.

OMFG WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING NEXT DOOR TO US. Literally every other house on our block is just…regular. Older people. Families. Just a regular city street! The common denominator is….(no, not me, which is what Glenn suggested)…THE LANDLORD. Maybe he’s the top dog!?

We’re trying to get more information. Today, one of Ned’s friends, this guy with a ginger beard who just looks like he’s probably a jerk, stopped over just as we were getting ready to pull out of the parking lot, so we sat in the car and watched him go in the house for less than 30 seconds AND THEN LEAVE. WHAT WAS HE DOING I’M SO SCARED.

I don’t really understand why I’m having such Emotion over this whole ordeal but it really fucking sucked to see that guy getting arrested. I felt so disappointed, yet worried. OK, so maybe we only ever had like three encounters with each other, but I was so happy to have a neighbor who wasn’t, I don’t know, potentially raping strung-out ladies next door; covering holes in his windows with cereal boxes; stomping up and down the steps at all hours of the night in his cement-block boots; and stealing from the veritable grab-bag of squatters he was letting live there.

Ned seemed like a decent guy. I feel so fucking duped.

So hoodwinked.

So fooled.

I  think I actually have some slight PTSD from this. It was so scary, like they were in our house. It was a really scary way to wake up, let me tell you.

“So, those people were like major drug lords but they only paid me $3 to shovel their sidewalk? Wow,” Chooch muttered, suddenly not sorry for Ned anymore.

If you’re keeping score, this makes 3 out 3 recent neighbors who have moved out because now they live in a prison.  That side of the house is cursed.

Here’s some free advice for the landlord: do better background checks maybe? Like, is this even happening at all? And perhaps find a nice elderly couple to rent to. Half-deaf so my constant Kpop won’t cause complaints, she knits, he does crossword puzzles.