At approx 7pm Sunday night, I was just sitting on the couch, minding my own, drooling over watching The Bride of the Water God….

…when I heard a series of otherworldly, apocalyptic BOOMS.

My first inclination was to think that a plane crashed in my front yard and was now milliseconds away from sliding into my house. Chooch thought our neighbor who is always working on his car dropped something because yes, the last time I checked, a wrench hitting the ground of a garage sounds exactly like 7349823 tons of metal being crushed and accordioned in our front yard.

But no – just some broad who totaled not one but FIVE cars parked along our street before coming to a stop right next to “Ned’s” abandoned car.

Henry, with his constant need to insert himself into everyone’s 911 narrative, practically swan dove out the front door mid-dinner prep, Ziploc bag of chicken still in hand, and was FIRST ON SCENE THANK THE FUCKING LORD. You know what you have, you fucking Cub Scout? A goddamn hero complex. Don’t deny it, Hank.

(Actually, Chooch and I didn’t know that Henry was out there, chicken-in-hand, until 30 minutes later when he finally left things in the hands of the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, and he was heroically marching to the house, bag of marinated chicken swinging joyfully at his side.

“OMG YOU HAD THAT IN YOUR HAND THAT WHOLE TIME YOU ARE SO EMBARRASING!” I screamed, while Chooch was on the phone with his friend from down the street saying “YEAH SHE HIT LIKE FIVE CARS DIDNT YOU HEAR IT?!” There was a lot going on.)

HNC’s wife was second on scene, tied with some other lady down the street who was all concerned about the well-being of whoever was behind the wheel because she didn’t know yet that her BRAND NEW BMW was one of the victims of the side-swiping. Anyway, HNC’s wife called 911 while Henry and the Italian guy in the next house over talked to the broad-perp, convincing her to stay in the car.  Henry, who knows everything, wrote in his (I Wish I Was The) police report that her side airbags went off but not the drivers one. Fascinating.

Eventually, a healthy crowd had congregated. The Italian guy’s daughter at some point realized that her car was also victimized and she was out there crying (apparently it was her birthday too which I deduced from the 6 times her dad sarcastically said “Happy Birthday” to her) then Chooch’s nemesis Larry came out with his dog and he was HAMMERED (Larry, maybe the dog too) and Chooch’s other nemesis The Witch emerged at some point because we live on a street of fucking vigilantes.

I guess the lady is ok, or as ok as one can be after annihilating a block of cars. She didn’t leave with the ambulance.

Now they’re looking for “Ned” and I’m like “oh hello his house was raided last month and he moved out and left his car. Don’t think he’ll mind that one whole entire side has even ripped off, probably the least of his concerns right now.” It’s kind of ironic though because every day since we’ve been home from My Kingdom a/k/a Korea, I’ve been mindlessly asking no one in particular, “What’s going to happen to ‘Ned’s’ car?”

The tow truck guy came over and was talking to me and Henry almost booted me backward into the basement so he could do the talking but the tow truck driver wasn’t interested in talking to Henry because he doesn’t have boobs.

“Why didn’t you tell the cops about ‘Ned’ when they were knocking on his door?” Henry asked.

“Because they didn’t ask me and I hate cops and won’t initiate conversation with them,” I said haughtily because how does he not know this? I’ll talk to the cute tow truck driver though. HE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK what a Prince!!!

Look at her car! The one front wheel is UNDERNEATH IT. She is so lucky that she is ok and that the only damage that incurred was to a bunch of parked cars and no human beings or worse — ANIMALS. Our sidewalk is heavy with pedestrian traffic and dog walkers so thank god no one was out there at that exact moment.

[Chooch’s review: It was spooky.]

When I first moved to the street in 1999 (ugh, I’m a townie at this point), the people living next door at the time gave me the sagest advice ever: DO NOT PARK ON THE STREET. The amount of accidents we’ve seen is super disturbing (like the hit & literal run from a few summers ago when Henry got to put on his cape once again). The first rule of living on Pioneer Ave is don’t park on Pioneer Ave, guys.

UPDATE: It’s been two hours since the commotion and everyone has long since cleared out, but now there is an ambulance that just arrived and I’m like, “Are they late!?” but they’re here for something else because why not.

I’ve been back at the boring daily grind for a week now and nothing earth-shattering has happened but here are some words & pictures to prove that I really did come back home and I’m not actually secretly living in a seedy noraebang in Korea although that sounds like a reality I could easily get behind.

I know everyone, me included, will be bitching about humidity once summer hits, but good lord can we get a fucking spring up in this city sometime before April ends? We came back home last week to snow, and it’s snowed another two or three times since then. I love the scarf that Chris made me for Christmas, but I’d like to not have a reason to wear it IN APRIL! I was especially cold on Monday, but my peeps at Crazy Mocha had me covered with their berry chai latte special. I like these new people who have been behind the counter at my local Crazy Mocha! The other people never had special drinks. Lame.

Oh well, since it’s still practically winter, I’ve had more time to wear my famous goldenrod tapestry jacket, which garnered more compliments this week — from older men, it’s almost always from older men! And not even in a sleazy way, either. Trust me, I know sleazy. These guys are genuinely just liking my coat because it probably reminds them of some sofa they had in their frat house in the 1960s, who knows.

We babysat Calvin on Saturday! And by we I mean that Henry babysat Calvin, Chooch, and me. At one point, he sent us to the gas station with $7 to get drinks. It was a mess. Chooch wanted one of those weird gas station milkshakes and I wanted coffee and we were also supposed to get Henry water but we weren’t sure if we were going to have enough money since Chooch and I couldn’t just get something normal out of the cooler like Henry told us to, so I suggested that we just not get Henry a drink but Chooch, after considering this for a cool second, vetoed this plan because he is way more mature than me.

“Well, at least make sure this is the cheapest water,” I said and he gave me this sassy look and said, “I already did, and it is.” He used the calculator on my phone to make sure we weren’t going over $7 and we seemed fine but I wasn’t sure if there would be tax because I don’t know how tax works, but then I found a quarter in my pocket, “just in case.”

After acting like boxcar children trying to spend our first ever round of panhandlin’ change, we took our stuff to the register and yay, it was under $7! We were so proud of ourselves!

And that’s the story of how Chooch and I went to the store by ourselves.

Also, here’s a video of me trying to brainwash Calvin into liking Taemin:

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Here I am looking like a total douche in my new Gentle Monster sunglasses!

The other day, Glenn disgustedly asked, “What is that you’re drinking out of?” so I got to happily tell him that it’s my SHINee bottle that I bought from the SMTown cafe and he was like, “..Wow I’m so glad I asked” and then I posted this on Instagram and his wife Amanda commented and said she was going to have SHINee playing in the house when he came home and I asked him about it a few days later and he said SHE DID, LOL. So then yesterday I sent him and Todd a SHINee video and said, “You can’t say anything bad about them though because one of them died recently!” and then we had an actual normal and civilized conversation about Jonghyun and Glenn said he “didn’t mind” the song I sent and that he likes them better than BIGBANG. #GlennsKpopOpinions

Anyway, I’m moving to the other side of the department in less than two weeks and I’m super stoked to have new victims to pull down into my rabbit hole.

The next segment has no picture to accompany it, but my felon neighbors are officially moving out. “Ned” was over there last week with a moving truck, and then the broad who I still think framed him was over there the next night with her own moving truck. So, great news, because I don’t want to live next to crims, but I’m also totally clenched at the thought of who will move in next. I’M SO SCARED. I hope our landlord actually does a background check this time.

Well, now that I’m back in Pittsburgh, my life is boring as shit again. I guess that’s OK. I’d rather have boring than drama. I will end this with my current favorite music video. I hope that one of my kpop cardio channels makes a routine for this one!

We walked to Insadong from our hotel on Sunday morning, March 25th. It was maybe about a 30 minute walk? Here are some pre-Insadong pictures with very little words.

The first picture up there is near our hotel. I always knew we were close to being to able to soak our feet for the night when I’d see the Pope!

(Honestly, I only had one day in Korea where I got less than 30,000 steps. We have a walking challenge starting next week at work so I think I should probably go back to Korea for that.)

Our hotel was centrally located near so many palaces and shrines, Jongmyo Shrine being the closest.

Streets in Seoul aren’t quiet for very long, so this was a rare sight.

Henry took us the long way (and not on purpose, my friends) but it was good because we got to see Jongyesa Temple, where you can do a temple stay if that’s something that piques your interest.

It was serene and quiet on that early Sunday morning and I honestly felt like I was sullying the joint with my dirty American Catholic juju.

Those colors though!

Henry could suddenly read Korean and told me to stop taking pictures before Buddha steals my soul. So we continued on to the main, popular drag of Insadong right after this so that will be my next post. I am such a great travel writer!

Being all chronological! (For now, anyway. I’m dying to skip ahead and write about Gentle Monster.

)

Today is Jonghyun’s birthday and I’m definitely feeling some type of way seeing all the tribute posts in my IG feed. I hope he’s up there with all the angels feasting on the most celestial of birthday cakes and serenading his new heaven-friends with his ethereal vocals.

Thank you to the kind soul who shared this video on YouTube. It’s my favorite song from Jonghyun’s final album.

I hope all the Shawols are staying strong today. <3

BTS, I can’t handle you.

I’ve watched this a hundred times and keep finding new things to obsess over. This is pure unadulterated art. So dark, yet so bright. Henry’s bias Jimin looks so pure with his black hair. Too many thoughts and feels! Such meaning! Can’t compute!

Today was my last time panicking because I thought I lost my subway card thing only to remember that I gave it to Henry to hold, and my last time seeing all the birthday billboards for idols

and the last time hearing the adorable “the train is approaching” music that announced each trains’ arrival,

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and the last time watching Chooch make life-changing vending machine decisions,

and the last time watching Chooch race to get an open seat and inevitably fall into conversation with old people,

and the last time to sigh impatiently as Henry paused every time to peruse the map and still takes us to the wrong side of the tracks,

and the last time to walk past underground food vendors and clothing shops,

and the last time to see my favorite k-drama stars in advertisements.

Each station was unique and I wish we had time to explore each one. And I can’t believe how clean they are! Even the bathrooms were remarkably clean every time I used one.

One thing about that though that caught me off guard was that some of the stalls had weird little urinals in the ground, I guess you have to squat over them?! I couldn’t understand why one time when I went in, there was a line when all of these stall doors were open, so I went over to one and was like “WHERE IS THE TOI—oh.” And then promptly got in line.

Sobering reminders.

Goodbye, Seoul, and your amazing subway system that seemed like it was going to be so daunting but ended up being the best thing ever and now I’m so sad that I have to go back to Pittsburgh and our dinky two-line trolley and orange piece of shit “President.”

Already planning the next trip, don’t tell Henry.

(I don’t know why we can’t just move here. The law firm I work at has an office there and Korea drinks juice so surely Henry can find another beverage company to work for?! POCARI SWEAT, YOU NEED A WAREHOUSE MANAGER?)

For my quick Saturday update, I just want to talk about Seoul Fashion Week! I thought that it ended on Friday, but when we walked over to the Dongdaemun Design Plaza, it was still happening! I mean, you have to be invited to the actual shows, of course, but there was so much to take in outside so much to Henry’s chagrin, we decided to hang around for a bit.

Everyone was taking pictures of EVERYONE so Chooch and I didn’t feel shy at all about whipping out our phones and cameras. There was this one girl escorting around a guy wearing something made out of magazines and plastic I think, so when I took his picture, she smiled and took pictures of us too but I’m convinced that she was actually photographing Henry because SUCH TREND SO STYLE.

“Sir, what are you wearing?”

“A Faygo snapback and Everfresh Juice brand windbreaker, natch.”

I’m telling you, when Middle Aged American Warehouse Manager style starts trending Fall 2018, you heard it here first.

Korean street fashion, though. At first I was like, “Wow, it’s cool that these models just hang out and let randos photograph them” but then I quickly realized that these are just super fashion-obsessed people who turn up to show off their personal style by lining up against a wall and baiting people to take their picture. I figured this out when the couple in the above photo noticed my camera and immediately stopped smiling and posed. It was incredible and I want everyone to react this way when they see me creeping with my camera.

Seoul is spoiling me!

Can this be Chooch’s future wife though, please.

I would totally wear that girl’s jacket and spent a good hour obsessing over it.

I think it was pleather with some type of Big Bird fabric at the bottom and it brought back memories of senior year when I used to wear furry cropped sweaters and had a yellow one that everyone called my Big Bird sweater. I miss those sweaters and I miss Contempo!

I would wear this jacket too. I love outerwear.

Here’s Henry showing the kids how to really wear dad jeans.

My favorite part was before all the crowd photographing action, when we walked past a roped off area and a crowd of girls with their cameras pointed and ready. I wanted to know who they were waiting for, so we sat on a wall and observed. Eventually, a small fleet of super official looking SUVs rolled up, so Chooch and I walked over to the crowd to get a better look. Several fancy people got out of the first several cars and people started snapping pictures. I figured they were celebrities but Chooch and I were on a side where we could only see their backs.

But then some guy got out of a car on our side so we were able to see him very well.

I still couldn’t recognize him though but when he walked around the car, the crowd on the other side started screaming hysterically. I found out later it was Jeong Sewoon, a singer/songwriter who was on the second season of Produce 101. He’s super cute!

The guys who got the biggest reaction were cool-looking even from the back but I have no idea who they were and still haven’t figured it out. I thought maybe it was several guys from Vixx but I don’t think they’re in Korea right now?

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I found out later that Seulgi from Red Velvet and Key from SHINee were also there and I’m sad we didn’t see them! I would have died.

Meanwhile, we’ve been here for like 24 hours and Chooch is suddenly obsessed with designer sunglasses and shoes, and also “11 for 10,000 won” street socks (he stops at every vendor selling them) so I think he already has the right idea re: street fashion. Maybe someday he’ll borrow a pair of Henry’s jeans and be a part of Seoul Fashion Week himself.

ETA: Two week’s later and I’m watching vlogs on YouTube to try and figure out who was in my video and I think possibly some of the guys from either Pentagon or Astro?* I’m in the background of one of the vlogs I was watching and I’m stupidly excited about it lol.

ETA, Part 2: Two years later, and I can confirm that it was Astro, lol.

BIGBANG gifted us with 3:50 of pure beauty today and I am once again for leaving for work with freshly-watered eyeballs.

With G-Dragon joining T.O.P. in the military last month, Taeyang enlisting yesterday, Daesung enlisting today, and Seungri joining them all soon, this song is bitter-fucking-sweet. I want to thank them for bringing so much happiness to my life when I needed it most.

They all sound so sweet in this song. Forever kings.

Here’s the lyric video too for anyone interested in that! The lyrics are so beautiful.

Oh hey guys, B-line Story Time!

Early Thursday morning, right before 6am if my blurry eyes were looking at the time properly, I woke up to what sounded like an explosion, a loud bang, followed by tons of masculine shouting. I had slept on the couch that night because sometimes I like to fall asleep to Korean stuff playing on YouTube (leave me alone), so when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was that my living room was flooded with flashing red and blue lights. I jumped off the couch and ran to the window.

There were cops and SWAT vehicles ALL UP AND DOWN MY STREET.

My heart was racing and I felt dizzy with anxiety. My first thought was HOW DID THEY FIND ME.

I mean: I DIDN’T DO IT.

I mean: NO SRSLY, WHAT DID I DO!?

But after the first few seconds of shock wore off, I realized that they weren’t coming for me after all. Even though it sounded like they had my house surrounded and were actually INSIDE my house.

Oh wait…they kind of were.

BECAUSE THEY WERE AT MY NEIGHBOR’S.

THE GUY WHO LIVES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY DUPLEX.

WE SHARE A FUCKING WALL.

I heard an undecipherable shouting, someone yelling about drugs.

Of course. It’s always motherfucking drugs.

Chooch had woken up too and that boy wakes at NOTHING so you know shit was apocalyptic up here on P-Ave. I went flying upstairs and joined him in my bedroom, where we sat at the foot of my bed, peeking out the blinds. I called Henry at work and he said that Hot Naybor Chris had already called him because he too heard an explosion. Now that I think about it, I think all I heard was the banging of the front door being knocked in, but Chooch said he for sure heard an explosion followed by a bright flash of light outside his window and that the explosion sounded like it came from upstairs. So we think the cops might have used a flash bomb upstairs before entering the neighbor’s bedroom.

You guys. My mind was spinning. With Boots, that fucking piece of white trash who lived there last year, something like this would be expected. In fact something similar did happen to him but I was at work for that one. And that was because he robbed and assaulted a man. (Janna looked him up last night out of curiosity and I’m happy to report that that d-bag is currently in jail.)

But this current guy…he seemed so NORMAL. I know, I know, that’s how it always works. The neighbor of BTK goes on record saying, “But Dennis was so normal!” Ted Bundy’s grandma talking about how he helped her carry her groceries like a NORMAL guy. We’ve all heard that before. But when this guy moved in last spring, after the landlord literally had to gut and rebuild the interior of that unit after Boots destroyed it with his drug-induced stupors, Chooch and I went out to introduce ourselves and it became a thing that we could exclude Henry from, you know?

Like, we knew the neighbor better than Henry because we met him first. It was kind of like a Parker’s sitch. I don’t want to say his name, so we’ll make one up: Ned.

I was so happy to have Ned next door after the horrors of Boots! There was a woman who lived there too, she was occasionally annoying (she talked SUPER LOUD and fought with Ned a lot) but overall, they were pretty normal people, didn’t come and go at all hours of the night, DIDN’T SLAM THE DOOR THANK THE FUCKING LORD. Just pretty regular neighbors. In fact, the only thing they gave us to obsess about was trying to figure out their relationship. We never saw them leave together in the same car, or even at the same time, and they seemed to just not like each other. I think we settled on the belief that they were siblings or cousins, maybe.

She told me her name once when we were both leaving for work at the same time, but a truck drove past just as she said it so I just pretended like I heard because I didn’t feel like extending the conversation by asking her to repeat it.

One time we talked about the weather and she was like, “GIRL I WILL TAKE THIS RAIN OVER THAT COLD SHIT WE’VE BEEN HAVING” and I was like, “Ok.”

She was fairly unassuming too. Always dressed in workout clothes. Not like slummy, grimy sweatshirts or whatever, but really nice workout clothes. And she was in great shape too. So in my head, she was an aerobics instructor.

COINCIDENTALLY, she was not there while all of this was going on Thursday morning. DID SHE KNOW? WAS SHE THE MOLE? WERE THEY AFTER HER TOO?

I kept thinking it had to be her. I wanted it to be her because I really liked Ned and didn’t want to believe that he did something bad.

But after an hour of listening to the drug task team tear the house apart, an hour of crashing and banging and shattering and clattering, police radios squawking, the police dog barking, the SWAT team eventually pulled out. So I was like, “MAYBE IT WAS A MISTAKE! MAYBE THEY DIDN’T FIND ANYTHING!”

But then….I looked out the window again and saw him.

Ned.

Standing on the sidewalk, surrounded by police clad in hoodies and vests.

Hand-cuffed.

“They have Ned cuffed!” I hoarsely whispered to Chooch, and then we started to cry a little.

Like, it actually hurt to see him out there with his head hanging.

This is the third neighbor in a row over there who has been arrested in dramatic fashion (the lady who lived there before Boots was arrested by the US Marshall; we think she part of some car theft ring), but for some reason, this is the one that hurts, man. I felt some type of affinity toward Ned. I wanted him to kick out that broad and be able to have a quiet existence without her yelling at him. I was so Team Ned.

“You didn’t even know him!” Henry yelled at me that night when I started crying about it with my hands over my heart and saying, “I FEEL SO BAD FOR NED. I HOPE HE DIDN’T DO IT. MAYBE HE WAS FRAMED!!!!!”

And, in the middle of the K-drama we were watching, “DO YOU THINK NED IS OK!?”

I keep having these sad montages of my interactions with Ned whirring through my mind. Like when we were both coming home at the same time and he was telling me that he was going to South Carolina because his daughter was graduating early from college, and he was worried about the impending snow storm. And I was like, “Be careful out there!”

Or the time we were both checking our mail boxes at the same time on Halloween and he was like, “I guess I better run out and get candy, the kids’ll be coming” and I laughed, “And mine will be one of them!”

“Remember when we were walking to CVS the other night and Ned was driving down the street and we waved at each other?” I sadly asked Henry yesterday and he was like, “Please stop.”

No one has been over there since this happened Thursday morning, except for the landlord (HNC called him immediately, he’s such a Town Gossip!), and the landlord said that the cops completely trashed the place. Once again, he’s got an empty unit that needs a ton of work before he can rent it again.

HELLO DUM-DUM MAYBE DO BETTER BACKGROUND CHECKS?!

Anyway, I snuck over there last night to check for mail in the mail box because I don’t know Ned’s last name and we wanted to see if we could figure out what was going on. His name wasn’t on anything, but hers was. We looked her up and if this is the same woman, which I think probably is because her name is pretty unique, SHE RECENTLY GOT OUT OF JAIL, DRUG-RELATED OF COURSE.

Ugh. But this made me have hope, that maybe it was her they were after, maybe Ned was framed, maybe he took the fall for her.

But then Henry got some intel from his cop contact who said that a normal drug sweep usually only entails a handful of cops, not SWAT. Guys I’m telling you, our street was lit up like a popo Christmas tree. There had to have been at least 20 cops out there. His source also said that coke was found, and gave him the name of the man arrested.

AND IT WAS NOT NED’S NAME.

There’s a man who is often over there, we thought he was even living there for awhile, so first I thought that maybe he was there when this happened, and he got arrested too.

But I only saw Ned in cuffs. And that other guy’s car wasn’t here.

So then I sadly let myself think the inevitable: DID NED GIVE US A FAKE NAME.

We looked up the name the source gave us and if it’s Ned, then we have essentially been living next door to a leader of a fucking heroin ring. There was a well-known incident here in Pittsburgh from the early 2000s that this guy was involved in, where a popular and infamous nightclub was used as a front. The DEA was involved and this guy, if it’s actually Ned or not I don’t know, served about 10 years in prison but then was let out when some law was passed to reduce sentences for non-violent drug crimes. The dates match up. The age of the guy named in the articles we read match the age of the guy arrested next to us.

OMFG WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING NEXT DOOR TO US. Literally every other house on our block is just…regular. Older people. Families. Just a regular city street! The common denominator is….(no, not me, which is what Glenn suggested)…THE LANDLORD. Maybe he’s the top dog!?

We’re trying to get more information. Today, one of Ned’s friends, this guy with a ginger beard who just looks like he’s probably a jerk, stopped over just as we were getting ready to pull out of the parking lot, so we sat in the car and watched him go in the house for less than 30 seconds AND THEN LEAVE. WHAT WAS HE DOING I’M SO SCARED.

I don’t really understand why I’m having such Emotion over this whole ordeal but it really fucking sucked to see that guy getting arrested. I felt so disappointed, yet worried. OK, so maybe we only ever had like three encounters with each other, but I was so happy to have a neighbor who wasn’t, I don’t know, potentially raping strung-out ladies next door; covering holes in his windows with cereal boxes; stomping up and down the steps at all hours of the night in his cement-block boots; and stealing from the veritable grab-bag of squatters he was letting live there.

Ned seemed like a decent guy. I feel so fucking duped.

So hoodwinked.

So fooled.

I  think I actually have some slight PTSD from this. It was so scary, like they were in our house. It was a really scary way to wake up, let me tell you.

“So, those people were like major drug lords but they only paid me $3 to shovel their sidewalk? Wow,” Chooch muttered, suddenly not sorry for Ned anymore.

If you’re keeping score, this makes 3 out 3 recent neighbors who have moved out because now they live in a prison.  That side of the house is cursed.

Here’s some free advice for the landlord: do better background checks maybe? Like, is this even happening at all? And perhaps find a nice elderly couple to rent to. Half-deaf so my constant Kpop won’t cause complaints, she knits, he does crossword puzzles.

Usually, Henry goes to “the store” alone. I put “the store” in “quotes” because the inside joke is that he’s really “having an affair.” But the reality is that “going to the store” is literally Henry’s get-away. I imagine he just roams around the aisles in a daze, all zoned out to the adult contemporary tunes wafting from the rafters, a lone tear softly rolling down his weathered cheek.

I’m fine with this because I typically hate shopping of any kind, especially the grocery kind. But there was nothing else to do last weekend (Chooch was sick AGAIN! This sick-season has been terrible), so I gladly tagged along for the food-shopping adventures.

First! Saturday morning, we walked to Pitaland for, well, pita. Chooch wanted pita and hummus and when you live within walking distance from a legit Mediterranean market, you don’t very well go to Shop n Save for a tub of greasy Sabra.

You feel me?

I used to be terrified of Pitaland for years when I first moved to Brookline. I’m sure it made sense to me at the time because I’m such a rational flower blossom, but now I’m just like, ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE I WASTED ALL THAT TIME AVOIDING PITALAND.” Honestly, I would shield my face anytime I walked past it! Whaaaat was I thinking.

Now I like to go with Henry and sample the olive bar (it’s encouraged) and check to see if they have any weird fruit. (Sometimes that have persimmon but nothing much more crazy than that.) Henry has become friendly with one of the guys who works there, who is also a professor, so he thinks he’s really cool because the guy will always come out and shake Henry’s hand, and then Henry will quickly look around to make sure people were watching that. It’s so lame.

So yeah, we went to Pitaland and got pitabread, hummus, and two different kinds of olives because why the hell not. We’re adults!

Later that night, Henry had to go to “the real store.” I went with him because sometimes it’s fun to follow him around like a lemming and ask him questions about cleaning products and coupons. We went to Kuhn’s, which is a grocery store pretty close to us and the one Henry frequents the most if he just needs basic things, because it’s a pretty no-frill establishment. It’s actually surprising that they even sell Halo Top there, to be honest.

I had to laugh because now all of Henry’s cashier and bagger friends there know that he’s not a single dad. Henry, exposed!

I loudly scoffed at the produce section and asked, “ARE WE GOING TO THE ASIAN MARKET TOMORROW? I can’t eat this crap.”

P.S. the Asian market is the only one I enjoy going to.

I was really excited when we entered the bakery area but then some jackass walked past me and attempted to assassinate me with his disgusting drug store cologne. Thanks, guy. No bakery smells for me!

There’s an Indian market in the same shopping center as Kuhn’s, so I dragged Henry into it after he put the groceries in the car. I’m always on the look-out for new exotic candies to thrust upon my co-workers, but they had all of the same stuff I got at the last Indian market which is still sitting untouched in the Pumpkin of Confectionary Horrors. (It’s not that the pan pasand candy is BAD per se…it just tastes like you’re sucking on someone’s grandma’s recently-perfumed neck, that’s all.)

So instead, we bought some cookies that were just OK.

Sunday was more marketing! We went to two Asian markets in the Strip: Sam Bok because they have a wonderful fridge full of homemade banchan and I had been straight craving kkaennip. There were two women in the next aisle over talking and I understood like three words of their conversation…baby steps, lol.

Then we had to fight our way through the Sunday Daydrinkers to our favorite Asian market: WFH Oriental. In my head, I call it Work From Home because that’s the acronym we use on roll call at work when we’re working from home.

Riveting.

We got more jujubes! Honestly, if you have an Asian market in your town, go check out the produce! And don’t be afraid to ask someone if you don’t know what you’re looking at. We’ve added so many delicious staples to our meals that way, like baby taro. We eat so much baby taro, like savages, motherfucker.

Speaking of taro, I wanted bubble tea so we want to Pink Box in Squirrel Hill (not a market per se, but I’m including it) because they have delightful Asian baked goods so we stuffed our faces with milk bread and whatever.

Mmm, red bean.

All those different markets we went to, yet Henry had toast and Hot Fries for breakfast on Sunday. I mean, friendly reminder that when you’re a grown-up, you can eat whatever you want for breakfast. Jeffrey Dahmer even ate people — dare to dream!

Well, that concludes my totally boring story about how I tagged along when Henry performed his housewife duties at the market.

One of my favorite pastimes is following the cats around the house and taking pictures of them. More so Drew than Penelope because (no offense, Penelope) Drew actually does stuff while Penelope is mostly being a loaf somewhere out of sight.

Sigh.

*(When I was in elementary school, I used to watch this block of TV on PBS called Britcom Blitz and one of the shows was Man About the House, featuring Yootha Joyce, and that kick-started this weird Yootha Joyce obsession that I carried into middle school and even used her name as a pen name for a poetry project in 7th grade Communications class and literally no one knew who Yootha Joyce was because why would they.)

**(Anyway, that’s where the title of this blog post comes from.)

In this edition (I honestly typed out “addition” at first. I am not getting enough sleep, sigh #2), Drew gives a Pioneer Ave. Gallery tour.

Here, we find Drew perched in front of a gallery wall of her favorite person in the whole world, Chooch. Literally, this whole chunk of the house is one huge shrine to that kid. I guess we love him, who knew.

Here, we find Drew somewhere she shouldn’t be—the fucking mantel, which features an original piece of Chooch pottery, a Somnambulant painting of my Pappap, and some Mexican folkart that I bought at a vintage shop in Cleveland.

Also: a dead plant, SHINee and Jonghyun albums (also art), and a rock from outside of my first apartment.

Here, we find Drew busted as she’s about to dive off the mantel and onto a chair. Her ass is rudely obstructing a Somnambulant painting of G-Dragon (<3), an old camera from my Pappap’s house, and an old hand mirror that I found in the bathroom closet when I moved into this house in 1999. YES, I CONSIDER THIS TO BE A PIECE OF MY PERSONAL ART COLLECTION OK. It’s a motherfucking relic.

Here, we find Drew losing herself in the lyrics to The Cure’s “Same Deep Water As You,” also featuring this gorgeous drawing of Robert Smith that I bought on eBay in 1999 and have cherished ever since.

Here, we find Drew chilling on top of a curio cabinet, next to the RIP CAT MEMORIAL WALL. Also, dangling ice cream cones = art.

Good night from this crazy 고양이!

Stay turned for my next blog post which is about, OMG get ready, going grocery shopping with Henry over the weekend. God, can you even stand the suspense.

G-Dragon last weekend in Jeju.

I know this is WAY OUTTA CHARACTER for me, but allow me to be melodramatic for a minute and openly wallow in my shallow tears because today was the day of G-Dragon’s mandatory military enlistment. *sob* *sob* *sob*

(This just reminded me of high school when I desperately wanted a Saab convertible because OJ Simpson’s daughter Arnelle had one and my dad was soooo disgusted about that, lol.)

I feel like I did a good job not being super over-the-top about this at work and I put the topic to rest after making Glenn and Lauren look at a picture of G-Dragon with his family.  Glenn actually kept all disparaging comments to himself!

https://metro.co.uk/video/video-bigbangs-g-dragon-enlists-military-1636848/?ito=vjs-link

At least there are 1,000s of videos on YouTube for us VIPs to cuddle up to during these 20+ months we’re without him. Being a kpop fan is really sad sometimes, you guys!

I never thought I would love another artist as much as I love The Cure’s Robert Smith, but somehow this beautiful Korean genius snuck into my heart when I wasn’t expecting it and I’m not mad about it. Maybe G-Dragon seems like just another rapper to you, but to me, he exudes charisma and beauty and sometimes it’s hard for me to even look at him without swooning. I feel super privileged and lucky to have gotten the opportunity to see him last summer, and I wish I could capture the emotions I felt during that concert into a tangible form, and then carefully encapsulate that into a snowglobe so anytime I need a reminder of the happiness I’m capable of feeling, I could just gently rock that snowglobe upside down and watch my feelings float around in a fluid Babylon.

I mean, it is Caturday, after all.

Mostly I just wanted to post about Chooch’s week-long project: building Drew her dream mansion out of boxes. We always have empty boxes in the house because Henry has an Amazon Prime problem, and when we shop at the Asian market, they put our groceries in boxes instead of bags.

It started out just looking like some weird arcade game. Drew loves to jump in through the window.

I hung around a bit last Sunday at Chooch’s piano lesson because I haven’t talked to his teacher in a while and she is so cool.

Right away, Chooch blurted out, “I BUILT MY CAT A HOUSE OUT OF BOXES” and Cheryl was like, “Man, I remember when I was a kid and realized I could build thing out of boxes. It was awesome.” So I excitedly told her about the frog hotels I used to make when I was younger, where I would take many boxes, tape them together, make doorways, fill it with Barbie and Sweet Secrets furniture, capture frogs and then get so sad when all the frogs subsequently escaped and leap-frogged the fuck out of town.

HOW COULD THEY NOT LOVE THIS MAGNIFICENT RESORT THAT I SWEATED OVER FOR HOURS? I even had a SWIMMING POOL in one.

Chooch had the “Please stop talking” look on his face, so I left.

Chooch built an addition off the side of the estate which features a plastic-covered window so Drew goes in there and taunts Penelope, who at first was leery of the house, confusing it with a jail instead, I guess. Penelope can be pretty hard to impress.

The problem with this ever-expanding pension is that it takes up so much room on the floor and Henry desperately wants to take it to work and toss it in the dumpster but Chooch and I have been getting so much joy out of this! I love sitting on the couch and directing him in the construction process while lifting nary a finger.

Drew also loves to nest under a pile of packing paper.

Henry didn’t know she was in there and accidentally punted her across the floor last night so now we all hate Henry.

Finally, yesterday, we got Penelope to go in the house! There’s a new room off the back (not seen in this photo) and poor Peenlop got stuck in it because she’s kind of chubby and Chooch only catered to Drew’s measurements when cutting doorways.

Drew is so destructive and has caved in the roof numerous times since last week, so Chooch served her an eviction notice last night. She’s as bad as our old neighbor, Boots!

And to end this cat-full post, here are some pictures sent me from yesterday, when he was casually standing in his room and Drew jumped onto his shoulders. She does this sometimes and it’s so bizarre! They have the strangest relationship.

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH!

OK, I have shit to do today.

Everyone was healthy last weekend so it didn’t suck! However, we still didn’t do very much because Henry was like, “OMG YOU CAN TELL I WAS SICK THIS HOUSE IS A DUMP” so he wanted to stay home forever and ever amen, even though I was twisting his arm to go out and do shit.

I succeeded in getting him to walk to the post office with me, and then we stopped at CVS on the way back because he needed to buy something boring, like a battery I think. CVS was playing the best 80s soft rock, so I mindlessly zoned out by the Easter candy, wondering who’s holding Donna now.

What I really wanted to do more than anything was take a walk in Homewood Cem and then get some bubble tea but two-thirds of my household were not behind this. And then it started snowing really hard, so Henry was saved by Mother Nature.

I still wanted bubble tea though so Henry reluctantly followed me out the door. We decided to go to Chick’n Bubbly so that he could get some KFC (Korean fried chicken, don’t get it twisted). I had already eaten lunch but when I saw they had tteokbokki on the  menu, I convinced Henry to share it with me which is hilarious and because I inhaled 85% of it on my own. Tteokbokki is probably my favorite Korean food. I can’t wait to try all the different kinds in South Korea!!

(I’m eating some right now as I type this. Henry is a good tteokbokki cook-er!)

Afternoon #떡볶이 with 오빠!

Ah, so fucking good! The only downside is that they were playing dumb American music in there.

On the way home, I tried to make him admit that Taemin’s song make his weener tingle, and he snapped that if I had a weener, I’d probably have a constant erection while listening to Taemin and I couldn’t stop laughing (and also imagining how awesome that would be).

“Would you still like me if I had a weener?” I asked, and believe me you this is not even close to the first time we’ve had this thoughtful conversation.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I have to think about it.”

THAT MEANS YES.

We got home and I bragged to Chooch about how great our afternoon snack was and he was like, “I can’t hear you over the joy I’m feeling from playing Minecraft” – he made a friend in his Saturday Lego robotics class and they schedule Minecraft sessions from Saturday afternoons. The life of Chooch. Then we got sucked into Days of Our Lives for a while because Henry was scrolling through Roku and there was a DAYS section. I casually pointed out that Kate looked scarily young in the thumbnail and Henry was all, “That is not Kate. There is no way” so then he had to play it to see if it really was and three episodes later we totally forgot why we were watching it and I was crying over how old Jennifer Horton looks now and then Henry was all, “Who’s that?” and I said, “Anna” and he said, “????” and I said, “She was the clothing designer who married Tony DiMera and she made Calliope’s light-up wedding dress—-”

Henry was impressed* at how much of my memory is used up on soap opera family trees. Also, Elder John Black looks so much like Glenn I can’t stand it.

*(See also: disgusted and appalled.)

(Lori and I were talking about this on Monday and how the Soap Opera Digest wedding dress issues were always the best ones and I was like, “Yeah, back when I thought getting married was actually in my future” and she was like, “Back when I had dreams.” THANKS FOR RUINING OUR LIVES, DAYS.)

(Seriously though, Kate had so much work done that she looks younger than Lucas and HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HER SON!!)

I spent a large portion of Saturday evening obsessing over my clavicle. I made Henry google “is it normal for one side of my clavicle to protrude more than the other?” because I was too scared to do it myself. Apparently, yes it’s normal.

That night, we had Family Kpop Workout Hour and it was everything I wanted it to be – I love these nights so much that I never make plans on Saturday nights now if I can help it! (Henry and Chooch are like “please make friends and go out with them on weekends.”)

My clavicle didn’t pop out, thank god.

*********************

Sunday was another good day. We went shopping at the Asian market and one good thing happened and one bad thing happened.

The good: They had jejubes! We bought a bag and I have been happily eating them all week.

The bad: The Nongfu Spring iced tea bottles no longer have BIGBANG on them. I guess the contract is up and I’m sad, but we still several bottle because that’s the best iced tea I’ve even had. (Rose lychee is my favorite, FYI.)

I finished Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner) at some point over the weekend, so I started watching Cheese in the Trap and had an argument with Henry because he doesn’t believe me that the main girl is the same girl from Goblin, because he has stupid eyes.

Our Sundays are lit, fam.

Henry went up the street to Great Clips (ugh) to get a hair cut. I wanted him to take a picture of Taemin with him to show the stylist as reference, but he said, “NOPE.”

Later that evening, we met up with Blake, Haley, and Calvin for dinner. Coincidentally, Blake wanted bubble tea so we chose restaurants based on that which is how I learned to never again choose a restaurant based on bubble tea. But the subpar meal was balanced out by the good company! It’s always fun hanging out with those guys, and watching Calvin crack up at the mere sight of Chooch was so funny!

Our waitress kept putting food down in front of Calvin and even clipped him in the head with a plate at one point. Safe to say we will never be going back there!

This picture is everything!

We just relaxed the rest of Sunday evening and by that I mean I jogged around the house relentlessly while watching K-Dramas, Chooch worked on the cat house he’s been building out of boxes (Henry totally wants to throw it out but I’ve been egging Chooch on to keep adding to it), and I don’t know what Henry did. I think he made cards and cleaned or something, I can’t really remember. That was three whole days ago.

Ugh, I love weekends.

Sadly, after going strong for over a month of Saturday Night Family Kpop Workout Hour, we had to skip the last two weeks on account of being too busy fulfilling Valentine card orders and then Henry and Chooch being sick last week. But tonight, we’ll be back at it and I’m so excited!

(I still do Kpop workouts everyday on my own regardless, but it’s way more fun when we shove away the furniture and prance around as a fam.)

So in honor of our tradition resuming tonight, I’m sharing my current favorite Kpop dance workout routine for anyone who wants to give it a try! It’s so fun and helped me get down to a size 6 so it’s legit you guys I swear!

Oh and just because I’m a fucking sweetheart, here’s Henry’s favorite routine: