Today is the coldest day of winter so far here in Pittsburgh and I am pretty angry about it. I hated winter as a kid, and I still hate it as a “grown-up.” You can keep your snow! I don’t even need it on Xmas!

Speaking of Christmas. Back in November, Chris and Monica came back from Iceland and Amsterdam with some gifts for us for taking care of their cat Graham (the best orange cat I’ve ever known!). Chooch got some really cool toy-type souvenirs and amazing slipper socks from Iceland, while Henry and I got an assortment of chocolate bars. Chooch, forgetting that he had his own bounty right there in front of him, could only focus on the fact that we got chocolate and he did not.

KIDS, AMIRITE?

Sike, I’m the same.

Anyway, for Christmas, Chris & Monica got him this obscene 4lb chocolate bar from Trader Joe’s and he was gobsmacked (I don’t know why I had such an urge to use that word because it is totally not a word I would ever say out loud, ever…?). I have to admit that we have collectively mowed that sucker halfway down throughout the week. It’s good chocolate!

And this is one of the gifts they got me ^^^. Honestly, it’s like someone plunged a turkey baster into my brain and then splooged the contents onto a wooded plaque, because if this doesn’t scream ERIN RACHELLE KELLY then I guess you just haven’t been reading this blog as diligently as you should, NOW HAVE YOU.

I made Henry hang it up as soon as we got home later that night:

Now I get to see it every day when I leave for work and it makes me feel less hateful!

Also, Chris is a whiz with fancy yarn and made me this infinity scarf. I AM SPOILED. She made slouchy hats for Henry and Chooch, too. WE ARE ALL SPOILED. We were so lacking in the Xmas gift exchange department this year, but I swear I will make up for that with gifts from Korea. They are just way too good to us!

Anyway, perfect timing for this scarf because it’s been in the teens all week, weather-wise, here in Pittsburgh. Of course, I still went outside every day for my lunch break walk because I’m a fucking low-IQ masochist, but I just need that daily walk or else I will have sat at my desk all day and that’s bad. The one day, Wednesday maybe, it was a sweltering 20 degrees out and we were all raving about how it felt like a veritable heatwave at that point. It was the best walk of my week because not only was I out of the frostbite zone, but the sun was shining full force and it felt amazing on my face, like a fucking vitamin D bukkake. Hit me baby one more time.

I felt like dancing through the Strip District.

Or stripping. You don’t know what I’m capable of.

Here is a New Year’s Eve picture of Peenlop.

Blanket buddies.

Wendy got Chooch this blanket for Christmas after I told her that he always hogs my couch blanket, you know, Mr. I NEVER GET COLD yet somehow is always wrapped in my blanket. Now he has his own and I want it! It’s so cool!

Well, let’s keep this short & sweet. I need to go and do jumping jacks to warm myself up. Never underestimate the power of simple jumping jacks, my 친구.

I woke up to a bunch of texts from friends re: BTS’s Dick Clark NYE performance and that made me really happy!

But you guys, I can’t stress how much better their Korean TV performances are.

I was going to share their KBS Song Festival performances from the other day where they gave an epic fuck-you to all the people who say they can’t sing, BUT THEN I went on my Naver homepage yesterday and saw this performance they just did for Go Go (which I actually like better than Mic Drop but whatever) and decided to share this one instead because we can all use some aegyo in our lives right now. The hearts kill me!

I started writing my 2017 recap the other day but that shit is exhausting so maybe sometime this week I’ll muster up the mental power to plow through it. 2017 was a real mixed bag for me but I’m gonna try to keep it posi.

I woke up all stressed about getting the house cleaned and everything prepared for tonight’s dinner thing, but then I exercised and listened to unlimited Taemin and had a nice big ugly cry and I think I’m ready.

Plus I weighed in at my lowest weight in like 15 years today! If I lose 2 ounces before January 1, I can officially say that I started the year in the 170s and ended in the 140s and I can honestly say that I had so much fun accomplishing that.

OK, Henry’s side-eyeing me so I guess I should go back to helping him. I’ll post pictures of the food and stuff soon!

HAY GUYS I’m going to make good on my promise to focus on happy things and despite my perma-pessimism and mainstay-malaise, there is so much good in my life. And I really am grateful. Just gotta stay focused and keep the eyes on the prize. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.

Here are some piktchurs.

MONTHS AGO, we bought 4 plain-ass ugly dining room chairs at Goodwill for like $10, I don’t know. Somehow, all of our chairs have broken and it’s not like we ever actually sit at the dining room table anyway, but I thought it would be nice to make-believe that we’re grown-ups and get actual chairs that match. Of course, I had grand visions of giving them a makeover though.

Then they just sat around for months because that’s how shit goes around here. However, we’re having a small dinner party next week so I started cracking the whip and Henry finally painted them this beautiful (G)dragon green. Once that was done, we went to Joann to get fabric. Of course I picked the most impractical, messy, expensive fabric to which Henry sighed, “Whatever you want” while images of him shitting money into a toilet churned through his mind. The fabric cutter consistently referred to the fabric as “he” and “him” which I thought was weird until she brandished her scissors & was all TIME TO CUT HIM UP and then I was like FUCK YEAH GIRL POWER.

Then she was like, “If you have the Joann app, you can probably save money on this” so I downloaded it even though I’m no coupon-cutter, but then old miserable broad at the register combatted my every coupon-presenting effort.

“REGULARLY-PRICED ITEMS ONLY. THIS ITEM IS ON SALE” for the 20% off all fabric coupon.

“YES BUT BEFORE TAX, YOUR TOTAL IS $29.59” for the $5 off a purchase of $30 or more.

FUCK YOU! I HATE SHOPPING! Henry gave me the “take it easy” arm squeeze but my day was ruined. Just ruined.

Anyway, Henry finished upholstering and assembling all four chairs today and I’m in heart-eye heaven. I’ve been stroking them lovingly, like they’re fucking unicorns, and I”ll tell you — that particular sensory therapy has been working for me today. I haven’t cried in like an hour.

I wrapped the presents in front of the cats, but it was OK because they think it’s for the cat down the street. (You know, Mr. Gray? The one that Chooch gets paid seventy five cents to take for walks?) Also, my wrapping skills have somehow managed to get even worse this year. I’m just a mess.

“Are you using my packing tape?!” Henry cried from the dining room and I just shrugged defiantly and said, “I don’t know, this is what Chooch was using too, so…”

Making sure Drew doen’t maul Trudy is also a good distraction.

This one is so ready for Christmas.

We all had eye appointments yesterday (UGHHH) and I opted for some special non-covered retina picture thing because I am obsessed with losing my eye sight (thinking about my eyes and teeth often keeps me up night) but the doctor said my eyes are perfectly healthy and I felt like she could have given me a sticker that said so, but her word is good enough I guess. Also it was a really big deal because after seven years, I think I may have finally found a pair of glasses that are big* and don’t cause me to have a psychological breakdown but I didn’t get them at that time because I panicked and just ordered contacts instead and now I’m convinced that when I go back, they’re going to be all, “OH HAHAHA THOSE FRAMES WERE A LIMITED EDITION, JUST THE DAY YOU WERE HERE, AVAILABILITY” and they’ll try to get me to buy a pair that aren’t big enough.

*(I mean, they’re not big enough for me to step through like a pair of pants, which is the size I really need, but I think this might be the biggest size I’m going to be able to find for now on Planet Earth. Ugh.)

Then I went to Target and bought myself a new purse from the little girl section because I needed something cute and sparkly to make me smile, and even though my phone doesn’t even fit in it, I’m going to fucking carry it with me everyday. I’ll just fill it with chapstick and gum wrappers, I guess. Maybe a bobby pin.

Chooch always knows how to cheer this bitch up.

You guys! Remember when Jeannie said she was going to get me a Skip-It?! I came to work on Thursday and there was a gift bag on my desk WITH A SKIP-IT (well, “Skip Ball” as the kids these days call it). I was so excited! Jeannie, Glenn and Todd gathered around and watched me demonstrate, but only because they were hoping I would fall. I did not fall. Sorry guys! But this one is kind of hard to get the hang of.

Don’t worry – I’m already a master! And of course Chooch and I have been fighting over it ever since I brought it home.

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Henry and the cats say thanks, Jeannie!

Three more months ’til South Korea. Just gotta hang on for three more months.

Today, a/k/a The Slowest Work Day of the Year, a/k/a Day 4 of Wearing Mourning Black, I was at Crazy Mocha during my lunch break.

While I was waiting for my chai latte, that Darlene Love Christmas song came on–you know, the one that was in Gremlins and that’s two blog posts in a row that I referenced Gremlins–and I had this weird out of body experience, like I was living inside a dark holiday comedy and everything was moving really fast around me while I just stood there frozen with a forlorn glaze on my saddest landscape of a face, the dull pain of “cried too much this week” thumping methodically behind my left eye.

And in that moment, I wished that I could feel happier about the holidays or you know, life in general; and who knows, maybe tomorrow I will.

But right now, I’m just watching the new Twice Christmas MV over and over, hoping that the carefree vibes become contagious.

And I watch this one a lot too because Sana’s cuteness (and how everyone cracks up at her speaking part) makes me temporarily immune to depression. I’m going to try and take better care of myself.

In typical Chooch fashion, he waited until yesterday after school to casually mention that today was Ugly Xmas Sweater day. I know it’s hard to believe, but we don’t have anything here that qualifies, unless you count the crappy Xmas sweater that Trudy is wearing, but I’m not undecorating* the “tree” just so Chooch can participate in some dumb school spirit shit.

*(This is ironic because I had a meltdown Tuesday night and tried to cancel Xmas by talking ornaments off Trudy as Chooch followed me around and calmly re-hung each one.)

So we had to run out to Goodwill last night after dinner. Of course the selection was slim, being so close to the big dumb day, so I grabbed a $4 white and black sweater and figured we’d just add accoutrements at home. I suggested pinning a bunch of Trump faces to it but Henry was like, “NOT FOR SCHOOL.” But that would take home the ugly sweater crown for sure!

I found some leftover bulbs and had the bright idea to sew them on the sweater. I made it through one whole bulb-sewing before crying theatrically, “I DONT WANT TO DO THIS IM BORED” so guess who finished?!?! Hahahahenry.

Then Henry remembered we had some extra LED lights so he hooked Chooch up real good and maybe the sweater’s not exactly ugly, but it’s festive as fuck.

(Also, that sweater is Forever 21 and if ripping the bulbs off doesn’t completely fuck it up, I’ll take it.)

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Um, that’s all for now. Still not in the Xmas spirit but working on that sweater helped a bit and it was probably the project that inspired the least amount of arguing, so either we’re growing as a family or I’m too dead inside to get up in arms over DIY-stress, lol all the way down the chimney unless you get stuck first and break your neck like Phoebe Cate’s dad in Gremlins.

I had the day off today. This was actually kind of bad because it gave me too much free time; my mind kept reeling and I’d think about parts of Kim Jonghyun’s suicide note and how relatable it was, or I would remember the last time I saw my friend Tim who passed away last Thursday, or the way Chooch experienced an emotional break when I told him that Tim had died, and I would start choking on my dumb tears all over again while worrying about my friends who are hurting for different reasons and then I would just feel rage at how unfair life is — rinse, repeat. Add in my traditional seasonal depression and soul-sucking bipolar mood swings, and it’s been a real fucking party over here on Pioneer Ave for the last month or so. My contacts are SHOT from all the crying I’ve done recently, good thing I have an eye appointment on Saturday. (Ugh.)

Last night was really bad. As Henry was going up to bed, or as I call it – DITCHING ME WHEN I NEED HIM – I wailed, “I GUESS I WILL JUST EXERCISE AGAIN” and then proceeded to do some YouTube cardio workout while straight sobbing, I mean absolutely ugly-crying, while never breaking stride. Because all I have these days is exercise. My only release. 

There is a point to this. I’m getting to it, I swear.

I was looking forward to Chooch coming home from school though, and thought maybe we could walk down the street and get some hot beverages at the new café in Dormont. Of course he was down with this idea because that place can make a million different varieties of hot chocolate.

We were the only patrons, and the barista happily took our orders. This was our third time there since after Thanksgiving, so I think maybe she recognized us. While she made our drinks, Chooch yapped on and on about school drama, as usual. I felt like we were being pretty normal, and I at least wasn’t crying for once. Look at me, out in public and saying words, kind of!

When the barista went to ring us up, she hesitated and kind of stared at the register for a few seconds, I thought maybe she was trying to remember what we ordered or something.

“$4.55,” she said eventually.

“….for both?” I asked with moderate incredulity. I mean, that’s less than I pay for one latte at any of the places downtown on my lunch break.

“Yep!” she insisted, so I shrugged and handed her my credit card. As I was signing the receipt, I noticed her reaching her hand toward my hand. I thought she was just going to point out my finger tattoos, because that’s a thing that happens a lot and it’s OK, it doesn’t bug me.

But instead, her hand kept coming until it landed softly on top of my left hand. I looked up, trying not to show how startled I was, and she looked hard into my eyes and said, “Take care of yourself,” as she slid her hand all the way down to my fingertips. And it wasn’t just a casual thing, in lieu of a goodbye. Like, “Y’all take care now, ya hear?” No, it was more like, “It feels like you’re going through some shit, and I want you to take care of yourself.”

You guys.

I can’t explain it.

The feels.

I tried to act calm & cool while I reciprocated her sentiments, and then we all said Merry Christmas to each other as I pushed Chooch toward the door.

As soon as we got out to the sidewalk, my eyes filled with tears and I had this powerful uprising of emotion.

“HOW DID SHE KNOW I’M SO FUCKING BROKEN?!” I cried to Chooch, who shrugged and said, “I don’t know, I just thought she liked you or something.” I mean, maybe on a different day I would have gotten that vibe too, but this felt different. This felt like she fucking sensed that I have been going through the motions, stumbling through my days, putting on a fake smile while feeling so fucking isolated and alone even when I’m surrounded by people I see everyday.

I called Henry immediately and he was like, “Are you sure she wasn’t just flirting with you?” I MEAN I GET IT, I DON’T HAVE A WEDDING RING, HENRY. But let’s not cheapen this moment because it felt like goddamn magic. It was just the kind of human connection that I have been craving without even knowing it.  It was exactly what I needed, at just the precise moment, and now I need to work harder to get better.

The latte I got was a Snow Angel Cupcake. I don’t even know what that means, but I feel like it was served to me by an angel for real.

I woke up around 6:30, before my alarm went off, and instinctively reached for my phone. The first notification I saw was from Soompi saying that Shinee’s Jonghyun had passed away.

And then my Twitter feed blew up.

SHINee wasn’t my bias group but I do really like them a lot and even if I didn’t, this news still would have shattered me. And there was a SHINee song in my dream last night too! Which isn’t that unusual considering I have Kpop playing all night along – it helps me to wake up in a not-so-miserable mood, you guys.

Suicide is so jarring. I feel like I just want to hug everyone today and I hate hugs typically. Instead, I will just count down the hours until I can come home from work, bury my face in a pillow, and sob uncontrollably. And probably also drink some soju, you don’t know me.

Until then, I will spend all day dwelling on the whys of suicide, crying for his family, worrying about the remaining SHINee members.

Such a beautiful man. I hate knowing he was hurting so much. :(

ETA: Saw this on Twitter and ugly-cried my sad face right off.

https://twitter.com/frealuvsuga/status/942853540619411456

Everything was fine last night util around 11:30 when I began noticing it while laying in bed: the low-grade rumble of a radio that was not mine. One thing, a HUGE thing, to note about me is that I cannot stand hearing radio (more specifically – BASS) coming through my wall. I’m fine with it at a concert or in my own car, but there is something about it filtering through my wall that clashes with my sanity, creeps under my skin, flips my bitch switch. So what started out as a nice night quickly morphed into WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM AND WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TONIGHT?!

Henry, of course, didn’t hear anything because he doesn’t have psychotic aural powers like I do.

Henry quickly assured me that no one was home next door, because we have decent neighbors post-Boots’ arrest & eviction, and Henry will do anything to preserve our docile relationship with them. He looked out of our bedroom window and noticed that there was someone (“a fat white guy,” Henry eloquently noted) sitting in a running car in front of our house. “It’s just this car out there. He’s probably waiting to pick someone up. It’ll stop soon.”

But what I heard was, “Some cocksucker is outside my house with complete disregard for the residents on this street and now he must die.”

Several minutes passed and he was still out there. It didn’t matter that I had Kpop playing on our own bedroom radio, now that I knew there was foreign noise flitting about outside my bedroom wall. In fact, it seemed louder now.

“It’s not even music he’s listening to, it’s talk radio,” Henry pointed out and I was like “I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER IS OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE SQUAWKING IN A BULLHORN.”

Another fifteen minutes passed and now it sounded like Rush Limbaugh was LIVE FROM ERIN KELLY’S BEDSIDE. Literally, my skull was vibrating in time with the monotone murmurs from outside.

“Let’s just throw a brick at his car.”

“NO. WE CANNOT THROW A BRICK AT HIS CAR.” Henry is so fucking quick to snuff out all of my brilliant solutions.

By now it was after midnight. My next plan was to go downstairs, whip open the front door, and stare at him menacingly from my front door. Except that I didn’t have my contacts in and all I could see was a maroon blob that was presumably the source of the commotion. I flicked the porch light on and off several times, hoping he would catch on to my impromptu signal for STFU AND GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE YOU CUNT.

This didn’t work so I threw on a coat and was ready to go out and confront this motherfucker face-to-face. Henry was quickly trying to get dressed in case he needed to follow me out and actually, god forbid, protect me. 

I had two strategies in mind:

1. Go out with proverbial guns blazing and scream my face at him
2. Fill him with guilt by sweetly telling him that my sick baby was trying to sleep and THIS GUY’S RADIO kept waking him up. I mean, Chooch was a baby once. And he’s kind of sick right now?

But then we discussed this and Henry convinced me that a personal visit was probably not safe because what if it escalated and knowing me, it would probably escalate. When I reach this level of irrational anger, I am a completely different person and feel invincible and want to fight the fucking world. And this guy’s talk radio was pushing me to let Erratic Erin out to play.

I HATE THAT I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD WITHOUT THE RISK OF GETTING SHOT NOW.

“Ew, are you wearing Chooch’s shoes?” Henry asked as he noticed my Midnight Confrontation Costume: winter jacket, bare legs, Chooch’s tennis shoes.

And then I realized that EW GROSS yes I was wearing Chooch’s shoes WITH NO SOCKS time to burn my feet off.

But before the feet-incineration, I started pressuring Henry to just call the police.

“ISN’T THAT WHAT THOSE BASTARDS ARE THERE FOR? SO PEOPLE LIKE US, HARMLESS CITIZENS, DON’T HAVE TO RISK GETTING A FIST IN THE FACE BY CONFRONTING PEOPLE ON THEIR OWN?”

Plus, it was now 1:00am. That guy could have cruised up to our house straight from the bar, who the hell knows.

So Henry, knowing that his night was over no matter what option was chosen, reluctantly called the police and made the most petty complaint of all time, right next to when our other neighbor called the police because someone’s car was blocking the driveway by a centimeter and a beaten-down cop had to go door-to-door to find the owner of the car.

After Henry made the call, we went back up to bedroom to see if anyone would actually come. Henry’s your basic middle-aged white man-bitch who has the police scanner app on his phone, so that was turned on with a quickness. There was lots of reporting of a girl in red pants and a green shirt running through traffic on the Liberty Bridge, clearly one of Santa’s elves, so that was exciting. Then we heard the dispatcher bleep in about an ordinance call from our address and we perked up.

“I’m in Brookline,” some copper chimed in and we were all OH SHIT ITS ON. Well, I was all OH SHIT ITS ON. Henry was too busy stepping inside his ever-growing frown with a bindle stuffed with his balls and a few issues of Good Housekeeping, and hitching a ride to What Have I Done? Town.

Within minutes, a cop car rolled by slowly, inspecting the scene.

Before that cop had a chance to turn around, another cop pulled up and stopped across the street, shining a light at the PERP.

Then another cop rolled up with lights blazing, and by then the first cop had turned around and come back so now there were three police cars outside our house, shining lights at the perp’s car.

Seconds later, the guy’s radio went quiet and the cops were gone.

“Good job, Erin,” Henry mumbled. “Now we’re marked as the house who makes petty police calls.”

“You should have given them Hot Naybor Chris’s name and address! They’re used to getting those calls from over there,” I laughed, and then spent the next 10 minutes cracking the fuck up while Henry tried in vain to fall asleep.

“Wait—I think I hear it again!” I yelled.

Henry looks out the window and said, “Well he’s not even there anymore, so….”

I guess at that point, the noise was just embedded in my ear drums.

But just to summarize:

Amount of cops sent when a lunatic was trying to bash in my old neighbor Boots’ door last year, threatening to kill him: 0

Amount of cops sent last night when we called about a car parked in front of our house for over an hour with the radio blasting at 1am: 3

Today is Saturday and here are some snaps of Drew. Yes, Penelope is still here but she has been avoiding the paparazzi. So, just Drew. (Also, please enjoy my sick bed-making skills up there. I AM A DOMESTIC GODDESS.)

(This is rare because our bed usually is never made. We live like college students over here on Pioneer Ave, you guys. Come sit on the floor with us and eat ramen some night.)

She is still very much Chooch’s cat (that is, no one else can hold her but him) but she and I have developed our own little thing together in which I stand behind a wall and pop my head around the corner, make eye contact with her, then slowly retreat. She gets REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS and will slowly creep toward me while making squirrel noises.

It even works if I just sit on the couch with a pillow over my face, like some strange game of peek-a-boo. Chooch is so pissed because finally something that doesn’t include him!!

I had the day off yesterday (it’s my yearly rush to use up my extra PTO before I lose it) so Drew and I had a lot of time together. It was an exhausting day of ruining Chooch’s puzzle, knocking a brand new candle off the table & shattering it thirty seconds after I put it there, climbing on Trudy & almost toppling her, and relearning the sights and sounds of the kitchen like she hasn’t lived here for two years. Honestly, she and Penelope both acted like they had never seen the kitchen before when I was in there making coffee Friday morning, and were too afraid to even cross the threshold!? Finally they came in, all jumpy and skittish, and then slowly remembered, “Oh, this is the room before the back porch that we have walked around in a million times in the last two years.” And then Celine Dion started singing.

Gotta go, Henry just came home from spray-painting new-to-us dining room chairs which need to be done BY DECEMBER 30TH, IT’S CRUNCH TIME MOTHERFUCKER, and I think he wants to dance to Kpop with me because I just overheard him singing along to “If You Do” by Got7.

It’s snowing in Pittsburgh so I feel that sharing this song is apropos and #moodAF. I watched the video this morning before walking to the T so that was two days in a row I had mascara running down my face before work.

Zion.T is so good. Chooch and I saw him at KCON last spring and he was such a golden highlight.

This song makes me miss living in my childhood home that had two fire places. I feel so cold and sad. But I’ll be okay.

Hey, today wasn’t terrible but as far as Mondays go, it was up there with some of the Monday-est. I think I have some major holiday blues.

I’m stressed and bitter and I just can’t wait for it all to be over.

At least a new Twice MV was released today though so I got to watch that before work, and then just now Henry was walking out of the room during a live performance of Taemin’s “Press Your Number” and he was trying to be cute by dancing (I think that’s what that was) except that he tripped over the coffee table so that was a nice good laugh that I sincerely needed.

OK I’m going to do sit-ups now or something because the only time I don’t feel like I’m going to punch a hole through the wall is when I’m exercising or watching Kpop videos or, my favorite, both at once.

안녕하세요!

During our daily walks around the ‘hood, I’ve been learning a lot about Chooch’s life outside of our house. Sometimes I wish I could shadow him for a day because he tells me these stories and I’m like WHO ARE YOU.

So this post will be interspersed with stories and facts, because I’m going to force him to answer some questions.

Such as:

Question: What’s your current favorite song?

Answer: “New Rules” by Dua Lipa

Mr. Gray & Cindy

Chooch is friends with this younger kid down the street, we’ll just call him Pita for anonymity purposes, and also because Henry has him as a contact in his phone as Pain in the Ass. Anyway, every time he comes home from hanging out with Pita, it starts out the same: PITA AND I HAD A FIGHT BECAUSE [insert some awful injustice served to Chooch].

Last weekend, he came home and started immediately with, “Pita is so annoying! I was walking Mr. Gray—”

“Whoa,” I interrupted him. “Who the fuck is Mr. Gray?”

“Cindy’s cat,” Chooch shrugged, desperate to continue his tale of woe.

“Who’s Cindy?!” I asked, and when Chooch said she lives next to Pita, I realized she’s the same lady whose old cat Teddy knocked up my cat Marcy back in 1999, which is how Don and Willie came to be. (RIP to all.) So I kind of know her.

Turns out, Cindy pays Chooch 75 cents to walk her cat and on this particular day, it was because she was trying to eat breakfast and Mr. Gray was bothering her.

I don’t remember what about this situation caused Chooch and Pita to fight because I was too fixated on Chooch getting paid to walk a cat named Mr. Gray.

Also re:Cindy, Chooch told me that he recently mentioned to her that her old cat Teddy was the dad to two of our now-deceased cats and she denied the probability of it which is confusing to me because that’s the only interaction I’ve had with her, was when we were talking about being kind of related now because of our cats and it was like such a cute Stars Hollow moment but now she’s acting like this is an incredibly non-truth. Is she suddenly worried I’m going to ask for back kitten support??

Question: What is your current favorite Kpop song?

Answer: “Wolf” – EXO

Chooch vs. Greensleeves

Chooch’s school has this thing called the Trifecta Awards, which happens twice a year (I think?). It’s based on grades, perfect attendance, and citizenship, whatever that means. Chooch has won it multiple times, including this current time, but the ceremony is during the school day so Henry and I couldn’t attend. Chooch reminded us all last week that we’re shitty parents (duh) and mentioned in passing that he also played the piano during the ceremony, which was news to me. He said he played Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and Greensleeves, and we left it at that, but then earlier today he casually said, “I only played half of Greensleeves and then said, ‘That’s all I know. Bye’ and left the stage.”

WOW THAT’S MY SON, LADIES & GENTS.

Question: Do you think the Mexican taco cart guy likes me?

Answer: I don’t know. You’re obsessed. Yes, sure.

Rob’s Firecrackers

One night a few weeks ago, Chooch came barging in the house. “Rob’s in his backyard lighting firecrackers with a cigarette!” he panted. Chooch is always on Neighborhood Watch and in this particular instance, he was on the hunt for Pita, because Pita’s mom didn’t know where he was. Anyway, he found Pita with Rob, who has lived on this street longer than me but I never knew his name until Chooch became such a boy about town and befriended everyone in Brookline. The first time I learned who Rob was when Chooch casually told me that Rob pays him five bucks to help carry the groceries in the house for his wife, who is Chooch’s neighbor nemesis, maybe even more so than Larry.

“I have to go tell [Pita]’s mom that I found him,” Chooch yelled as the door was shutting behind him. Then he came back and asked where our leftover firecrackers were because Rob’s wife wasn’t home (Chooch calls her the Witch because she yells at him for being in his yard all the time and I’m kind of like relishing this payback because when I first moved here, her son was Chooch’s age and he TERRORIZED ME) and Chooch wanted to join in the pyro-action while he had the chance. So he collected some small firecrackers we had and then split.

Did I mention that this is the same guy whose house was on fire a few months ago?

Fun fact: Rob’s wife is Cindy’s sister!

Fun fact #2: Chooch still has all his phalanges and eyebrows.

Bus Driver Beef

In addition to the lunch lady, the gym teacher, and the librarian at the Brookline public library, we can now add GIFTED SCHOOL BUS DRIVER to the list of Chooch’s on-going beefs. He told me last week that he was sitting with Dang (pronounced: Den; he’s Vietnamese) and Dang kept pushing him so that he was nearly falling out of the seat. He pushed Chooch off the seat once; the bus driver looked in the mirror and GLARED AT HIM (his words — he’s telling me the story again as I type this), and then focused her eyers back onto the road. Then she kept making VERY SHARP TURNS and it was so rough that he fell off the seat AGAIN and she looked in the mirror AGAIN and glared even WORSE. And then she did it again and he fell off the seat AGAIN. She looked in the  mirror again and yelled, “IF YOU FALL OFF YER SEAT ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SIT UP HERE WITH ME SO YOU CAN’T FALL OFF YER SEAT.” He wants you to read this to yourself with a strong Pittsburghese accent, you guys. Chooch looked at her and rolled his eyes and went back to the convo he was having with Dang. I fell off again and she looked in the mirror again and glared the worst yet but she didn’t make him sit with her. They finally got to the gifted center and when he walked past her to get off the bus, he said, “I wasn’t falling off on purpose.”

“YES YOU WERE. NO ONE ELSE WAS FALLING OFF THEIR SEAT!”

He hopped off the stairs and said, “‘No bitch, it was your fucking driving,’ Just kidding, I didn’t say that. I said, ‘It wasn’t my fault’,”

And that was Chooch’s story in his words but written by me.

Question: What question should I ask you?

Answer: I’m not answering questions about questions!

Question: OK favorite hobby I guess.

Answer: Right now it’s pretty much playing games on Kongregate.com.

Puzzle Update

The puzzle is still not finished. Chooch spends more time re-piecing the parts that the cats have demolished that actually assembling any new sections. I was on the phone with Henry during my lunch break on Thursday when he said, “Oh, wait for it….wait for…” and suddenly I heard a blood-curdling scream in the background. Apparently, Chooch had come home from school and found his puzzle in even worse condition and had a mental breakdown over it. So then I had to stand there in the middle of downtown with the phone to my ear while he and Henry fought about the puzzle because Chooch was mad that Henry saw the puzzle in such a state and didn’t try to fix it and Henry shouted, “IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PUZZLE!” so now we’re about to have a fucking family meeting (maybe even in a courthouse at this point) to come up with a solution because Henry wants the puzzle off the table but there are no other tables to move it onto so Chooch suggested buying a card table to put on the backporch so that the cats won’t bother it when it’s unsupervised because we can close the door, but Henry doesn’t want to buy a table and I personally don’t care either way because I lost interest in the puzzle a day after we got it. Actually, probably that same night.

So that’s where we are with that.

Question: Are you embarrassed of Trudy?

Answer: No she looks badass now with the gas mask because you can’t see her stupid face.

Question: when did you stop believing in Santa?

Answer: I either watched a video or you guys accidentally did something, I can’t remember.

(I probably told him in the middle of a fight haha.)

Well, we’re both bored with this now and I want to do jumping jacks so goodbye.

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving weekend without Henry slaving over a turkey DIY project.

A few months ago, one of the neighbors was throwing away a plain wooden end table.

I was like, “I WILL TAKE THAT THANK YOU” and enlisted Chooch’s help in dragging it across the lawns under the veil of night.

We needed a table for the back porch and this was perfect. But…it was so plain. Have you seen my house? It’s a mod podge of spray-painted furniture—some of it literally does have Mod Podge on it too. So I knew I needed to spice this up.

We’re working on a much larger project using engineer prints and Henry was talking about needing a smaller project to practice sealant techniques on the prints, so I GOT THE BRIGHT IDEA to have a G-Dragon engineer print made for the table!

With a bit of practice, Henry managed to find a way to adhere and seal the print without the image running so now I have a beautiful and completely frivolous G-Dragon coffee table for the back porch.

Just DONT PUT YOUR COFFEE ON IT. It has sealant on it but let’s not get crazy with it, OK IMAGINARY HOUSE GUESTS?!

We had to run to the craft store today to get glue for the gems and I ran into the director of our department. First of all, I was carrying a huge candy cane for Trudy so Sue was like, “Oh wow what projects are you working on now?” so I had to explain that the candy cane was for our mannequin Xmas tree and that we were also there to get supplies for a G-Dragon table. Sue was like, “OK! Well um I can’t wait to see pictures!

” I should have told her I was making a traditional Xmas wreath with pine cones and ribbon – she probably would have been way more shocked.

I wanted Henry to make the table light up but he was like I CANNOT MAKE EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING HOUSE TWINKLE, OK?!

And this has been: The Making of a Kwon Jiyong Furniture.

Stay tuned for my follow-up DIY: The Lighting of a Lee Taemin Lamp.

Thanks for reading. Please continue to support me. (THATS WHAT KPOP IDOLS SAY TO THEIR FANS, OK.)

Oh hey hi hello. Here I am, coughing a bit less but still talking like Kathleen Turner. Let’s look at some things I’ve been super into lately:

1. Like a sheet mask for your neck & chest:

2. Nose veils. Looks great paired with a turtleneck and leggings.

3. Swiss candies.

4. Taemin’s sweet, sweet dance moves in this live Press Your Number video:

5. ANIMALS NOT DYING ON TV SHOWS:

6. COLE SPROUSE AS JUGHEAD:

So, what are you into lately? Hopefully not a basketful of respiratory infection like meeeeeeeeee.