Oh hey guys, what’s up. I’m just over here slowly perishing from whatever gnarly chest cold bullshit I have. I thought I was getting better over weekend BUT NO now it’s manifested itself inside me as the cough of a 70-year-old chainsmoking secretary from the 1950s.

Yesterday was the most miserable day yet. I woke up from a night of next to no rest and tried using mind-control to convince my body that I was OK, ready for the day, we got this. But everything was working against me, from the moment I walked out of the door. As soon as the front door clicked shut, I realized I left my wallet on the couch, my wallet that has all of my credit cards, my Connect Card for the trolley, my work ID—that one I could have managed without, but without my ConnectCard or the ability to get cash, I had no way to get to work.

You’re probably like, “OK so just use your housekey and get your wallet, how is this even newsworthy, yawn” but what you should know is that I NEVER HAVE A HOUSEKEY and I will tell you why: I let my dummy son borrow mine after he lost his copy and then HE LOST MY KEY WHICH WAS THE MASTER KEY TO THE HOUSE AND THE ONLY ONE THAT WORKED RIGHT!!! Henry finally one day was like, “Enough is enough” and made me a copy using his key, which is the worst-cut key ever and I have never been able to use it in all the years he’s had it. So you know the copy he made me was even worse!

I have hurled that key across the room countless times, the last time was last year when I couldn’t open the door with it and had to get Chooch’s nemesis Larry to help me and even Larry was like THIS IS NOT A KEY, THIS IS THE DEVIL’S PUZZLE! As “luck” would have it, that fucking key had somehow made its way back into my jacket pocket, the same jacket I was wearing that miserable Monday morning, so I sighed, clenched it tight in my hand, and mumbled some quick JUST STAY CALM mantra before plunging that motherfucker into the lock.

OF COURSE IT DIDN’T WORK so I called Henry and was like, “You listen to me, motherfucker. I am about to have a heart attack on this porch. Everything is going wrong AND THIS KEY IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!” He was saying something about staying calm, he’d to come get me, don’t let the neighbors see my true colors, blah blah blah but I had already hung up because I was determined to conquer this bitch-ass housekey. Between my Hulkian twisting, simultaneous kicks to the door, and guttural screams to the Hell below, I eventually managed to wrench the door open, grab my FUCKING PUSHEEN WALLET, and punish the sidewalk with my maniacal stomps. When I arrived at the trolley stop 10 minutes later, the trolley was just pulling up and it was more crowded that I have even seen it. The able-bodied MAN in front of me grabbed the only open seat and I know this is the age of GENDER EQUALITY but I so badly wanted to play the chauvinism card in that moment because I sick, for god’s sake, couldn’t he SEE THAT?

So I had to stand, which on a normal day I would not have minded, but literally as soon as that trolley door slid shut, it was like a vault being sealed and I became acutely aware of the tickle in my throat.

Oh god, I needed to cough, and I needed to cough BAD.

First, I tried mind over matter. I tried to picture myself healthy and I don’t know, walking in a garden or something, BUT OH GOD THOSE FLOWERS! THAT POLLEN! COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!

So then I thought, well, let’s picture myself already off the trolley, coughing freely.

Yeah, that didn’t work.

I let myself cough into my arm once, hoping that would quell it. But it just made it worse, because now there were 87 more coughs queued up, getting all unruly in my throat, trying to line-jump.

I needed a new cough drop, but since I was holding on to the bar with one hand, I had only one hand left to rummage through my huge bag and I wouldn’t find it, I couldn’t find the cough drops, why god why. OH GOD I NEEDED TO COUGH AGAIN. NOW MY NOSE WAS STARTING TO RUN. EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME AREN’T THEY?!

I kept swallowing back the urge to cough until my body was racked with shudders and twitches, I was lurching and my face was getting red, but DON’T YOU DO IT ERIN, DON’T YOU COUGH, NO ONE WANTS TO BE ON THE TROLLEY WITH A COUGHER.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks now. I wanted to murder the guy who took that last seat. He is forever on my list.

I finally screamed UNCLE and got off the trolley three stops early, at Station Square, and walked the remaining mile to work, where I was able to cough freely into the wind.

When I arrived, I looked at Glenn and in what sounded like a failed Kathleen Turner impression, I growled, “DON’T TALK TO ME TODAY.”

I left work at 2 because I was annoying everyone with my hacking and Glenn was like, “Amber, can Erin go home now, or….?” I would have left earlier than that, but I had to wait for Henry to be done with work because I refused to try my hand at that FUCKING HOUSEKEY AGAIN.

“You’re so pathetic,” Glenn sighed, after I alerted everyone that I would be there for another hour. YOU KNOW WHAT GLENN?! You’re right. I’m pathetic. Ugh, I hate being sick.

Came home and coughed my dumb fucking head off all goddamn night. I bet the neighbors love me.

Luckily, I already had today scheduled off work because I had to attend a parent-teacher conference at the gifted center, and then I had a dentist appointment (that’s a whole other odyssey that I don’t even want to talk about right now). I managed to get through the conference without coughing until the very end, but I had to cancel my dentist appointment because I am a hot fucking mess. My eyes are all bloodshot from coughing and I look like I’m strung out, not to mention the whole “can’t go 5 minutes without coughing” thing.

So today has been pretty terrible as far as days off go. I have just been laying on the couch watching Riverdale which is pretty great until it starts getting into parent stuff, and then it just gets confusing. I want less shady dealings and extortion, more Jughead. You feel me.

Also, is Archie like the most boring character or what? All of his friends are involved in all of these complicated plots and then Archie walks onto the scene and it’s like, “Guys, shhh! Archie is here to talk about the lame song he just wrote and that’s more important than the rest of us solving crimes and being multi-dimensional characters!”

Also #2, Luke Perry and Skeet Ulrich are in this? 1990s Delia’s-wearing Erin is fucking sprung.

I called Henry crying because it’s lunch time and I don’t know what to do about that so he suggested that I go to Parker’s and I was like NOT WITH THIS COUGH BITCH PLZ and then he said, “Maybe your Mexican taco cart boyfriend can make you a veggie taco” and I shrieked, “NO I CAN’T LET HIM SEE ME LIKE THIS!” to which Henry laughed and said, “OK bye.” Unless that’s code for “be right there to cook for you” he can just GTFO.

I don’t do “sick” very well.

This has been a “Sick on the couch” free-form blog post. Guess I’ll go eat a piece of bread.

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I’m still ill but left the house just for some 11/11 Pepero! I guess I’ll share them with my “loved ones.”

And now back to my scheduled evening of being miserable. 

I worked late shift today from home which was an unplanned blessing because I had a really restless night and woke up feeling worse than the day before. It was nice not having to drag myself into work in the morning.

Chooch didn’t have school today, which was the sole reason why I volunteered for the dreaded Friday late shift. Before I was sick, we planned on having breakfast at Parker’s and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it. Once the DayQuil set in, I was about 50% alert so we walked out asses through the unseasonably blustery winds to Brookline Blvd and had a nice, chill breakfast. I sincerely love Parker’s – the vibe is something Brookline has been missing but didn’t know it.

Anyway. Chooch has to do this intense genre report in his Communications class and I suggested that he choose The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin because it was my favorite book as kid and it’s all about me,* so.

*(Seriously – Chooch had to write an All About Me essay and when it was time to write about his family, I made sure I got the largest paragraph. He read it out loud to me and when he got to the last sentence**, he punctuated it with a hefty eye roll.)

**(“She is very talented.” LOL.)

So Chooch brought his book with him to read and I was so excited about this. I actually did a book report on it as well but it was in 4th grade. Not saying I was more advanced than Chooch, but…

J/k there’s no competition here!

(My work friends are like yeah right tell them about the cookie dough, Erin. Um, maybe the next post.)

The Westing Game made a big impression on me. It’s one of the few plots I actually remember (my memory rules in a lot of way but books are not one) and I was so happy when he seemed open to my suggestion! He has only just begun to read it and is already intrigued.

I keep telling him to stop googling (he wanted to know if there was a movie) because I would cry if it’s spoiled for him.

The main takeaway I had from this book is to swish with hot tea and bourbon to alleviate toothaches. I can’t tell you how many times I have utilized that remedy over the years. Ugh, it’s such good pain!

If anyone still reads this and feels like weighing in, what was your favorite book as a kid?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do some shots….of NyQuil. Woo, Friday night.

We were in the car over the weekend when I said, “My lymph nodes feel tender.”

Henry thought this was hilarious because he’s insensitive, but I was serious! I knew that sickness was on the horizon. 

Sorry that I’m a part-time doctor, Henry.

(Apparently, it was my use of the word ‘tender’ that was such a knee-slapper.)

Halfway through yesterday, it hit me and by the time I came home I was low-key dying. If you ask Henry though he will tell you that I was SO DRAMATIC and driving everyone crazy. You guys will never believe this, but I actually RESTED all last night (except for when I woke up on the couch at 10:30 and realized I was 200 steps away from my daily goal so I shambled around the house like ninny until my Fitbit was happy.)

Today was better but not much. I made it through work but I felt like my body was crawling with frozen ants and all my joints felt like hostels for arthritis. I wore my coat for the last two hours. Even though it feels like there is a bonfire in my ears, I supposedly don’t have a fever. I accused Henry of tampering with the thermometer 

Anyway, all I want to do is writhe around on the couch, moaning and watching Weekly Idol. So here are two pictures of my cats. 

Someday this blog will have content again. 

(OMG IT FEELS LIKE MY SPLEEN IS SWOLLEN NOW.)

I think of him often and hope he’s doing well. <3

To piggyback on my last whiny bitchy blog post about Halloween, I also learned first thing yesterday morning of the passing of Korean actor Kim Joo Hyuk. I’m disturbingly upset about his death (gnarly car accident) and I keep waking Henry up, a day later, to tell him things, like, “Song Joong Ki went straight to the funeral from his own wedding!” and “I just saw a picture of Defconn crying and it broke my heart” and Henry is like, “Please stop watching videos about it and go to bed. You’d think he was your best friend, the way you’re acting.”

There is a video of the Running Man cast walking into the funeral (which is weird and such an invasion of privacy, but yeah I watched it so I’m just as bad as the rest of them) and I just started crying so hard because I loved it when Joo Hyuk was on Running Man. I am really sensitive and emotional right now, step off. 

Maybe I need ice cream. And medication. 

A new Twice video can make any Monday feel like a holiday! I asked Henry what he thinks of it and he shrugged and sighed. 

This in addition to all the Mueller excitement has me so ready for today! 

It has rained pretty much all weekend with no reprieve. And it’s really cold on top of that too.

I’m not complaining though because it kind of forced me to relax (a little). And I guess I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to just sit the fuck down.

We still did some stuff though, such as attend a Halloween parade with our friends Patty and Tim in their neighborhood. Did I mention that after over a year, Patty is finally home from the nursing facility? Exciting times! It was great to be able to hang out with her outside of that place, though it was also kind of sad not getting to see all the familiar faces in the activity room.

Patty’s friends Kaitlin and Steve joined us. We weren’t sure if the parade was still going to happen since it was raining, but Munhall goes hard, y’all. They don’t let a little rain deter them. It was really cold and dreary out there, but it was worth it to see Patty enjoying herself, and to see all the kids in their costumes. Chooch wasn’t in costume (he’s in 6th grade now and not as motivated to dress up), but when we saw that people were hanging out treat bags to everyone in the parade, regardless of costume, we all coaxed Chooch to jump into the parade so he could get a bag. He did it begrudgingly, and when he was handed a bag, he shot us a glare that said, “The things I do for you people.”

Then he befriended some older woman, and they joined forces to get the most candy from the firefighters. They were even trading with each other at one point. This kid will talk to anyone and it’s all once charming and alarming.

There were a bunch of young kids standing near us and their parents wouldn’t let them run into the street to collect the strewn candy, but savage son gave no fucks about getting close to firetruck wheels, so he would go out and collect it all and then pass it out to the kids on the sidewalk. He was a hero, you guys, a real Halloween hero.

Trump would never do that.

CHOOCH FOR PRESIDENT.

Then Chooch and I stood in this outrageous line snaking out of the firehouse because there was free pizza and cake to be had and I wanted free cake in a bad way. We got stuck behind this huge family of dunces who were not as IN A HURRY as I was and would just stand there in a daze every time the line would move. I was getting so angry! But then I reminded myself that I was line for FREE FOOD and I shouldn’t complain but still—WAKE THE FUCK UP AND MOVE, DUMMIES! Oh my Lord, they were awful. At one point I said to Chooch, “What is the protocol here for line-jumping when the people in front of you clearly don’t give a shit about being in line?” and he was just like, “Chill out, we’re almost there” because my 11-year-old is more rational than me.

The cake wasn’t worth it. I gave it to Henry, who was so angry that we ran off to get free food and left the rest of them standing in the rain. SORRY BUT PATTY SAID IT WAS OK!?

Then I found out after the fact that the pizza was from Italian Village and I wish I had known that because I like Italian Village a lot and would have chosen that over cake, ugh. #freefoodremorse

After the parade, we said goodbye to Patty and Tim because we had big plans of going to the craft store and then spending the rest of the night binge-watching the new season of Stranger Things. I’m not a big binge-watcher of things (unless it’s Korean You Tube vlogs, lol) but the cold, dreary weather was really inspiring.

First though we had to wait for Chooch to finish the first season, after which he cried, “Why did I ever stop watching this with you last year?!” Because you have no attention span? I don’t know. And then we had to go eat dinner first too. We went to Frank & Shirley’s because it’s close and fast, and I wanted a grilled cheese.

Chooch brought his colored pencils with him because he wanted to draw on the placemats but there were no placemats, so he actually asked the waitress for a placemat, and she was like, “We don’t have any…?” He was visibly distraught over this and when she realized why he was asking, she said, “Do you want a coloring book instead?”

She barely finished her sentence before he was practically panting like a dog, and saying yes. She brought over a whole stack for him to choose from and he immediately grabbed, and I do mean snatched, the first one he saw because it had bunnies on the cover.

He’s very sensitive to animals, you guys.

“Are you sure you don’t want to look at the others?” she asked, fanning them out.

“Nope,” he said, but then out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that made him say, “WAIT!” She fanned out the coloring books again and he grabbed, and I do mean snatched, a Disney one of the stack. He flipped it open right to the page with the Bambi spread, squealed, and then ripped open his box of colored pencils.

His Bambi obsession is so weird, but also completely adorable. Please don’t grow up, Chooch.

Henry hated our waitress because she never refilled his iced tea, but I think she will forever go down as Chooch’s favorite.

On the way home, we were making fun of Henry as usual to the point where Chooch started puking out the back window because I made him laugh too hard. I love when that happens!

When we came home, Chooch and I were so ready to start watching Stranger Things but Henry was all, “I have to go to the store” and we were like, “Are you fucking kidding” because dude is like always going to “the store” and Henry got all defensive and cried, “I haven’t been to the store in four days!” Chooch and I kept repeating “Four days!!!” over and over until Henry stormed out while muttering under his breath about how we’re fucking assholes or something, wow, how rude.

Chooch and I went for a walk in the rain to kill time while he was AT THE STORE and somehow we started talking about what if Henry was a prostitute or a stripper at Blush and I can’t explain it, other than to say maybe you had to be there, but we were laughing so fucking hard that our hyena-cackles were doing somersaults down Pioneer Avenue, making dogs bark and passers-by do double-takes. We’re kind of loud, I guess.

When we got home, Chooch exclaimed, “Eight o’clock! Made it just in time.”

“For what?”  I asked.

“…eight o’clock,” he said with a shrug, like duh, why didn’t I know that.

Henry came home and we finally watched the first several episodes of Stranger Things. It was the perfect October Saturday night.

Today, I was home alone while Henry and Chooch were at piano lessons, so I decided to try and paint something. It’s been about a year since I painted anything, and I have been turning down custom requests because I just haven’t been feeling it. It’s not depression, because I don’t feel unhappy or tired, but kind of the opposite. I have all of this manic energy and I just can’t sit still long enough to seriously focus on painting.

But I just recently finished a creative project for work and I had some leftover inspiration. (Not to mention a ton of leftover canvas!) So I made myself sit down at my desk for a bit and gave it a go.

It was a struggle. I felt rusty, had no confidence, and even felt a little scared to make mistakes. It was sad. But I was determined to finish a painting for once instead of adding to the collection in the canvas graveyard. So I chose my favorite picture of G-Dragon and went for it.

I only spent about an hour on it because I just wanted to finish and not obsess over every minor detail (Henry and Chooch are probably laughing at this without mirth because I was so dramatic this afternoon about how bad I suck). But G-Dragon is the most perfect human being in the world and I didn’t want to desecrate his image in any way.

I’m sorry, Jiyong. :(

But then Henry made me kimbap and I was happy again, even though at first I screamed, “THERE’S NO DAIKON IN THIS!” and then Henry realized he gave me Chooch’s bland version instead of the good roll.

And now we’re just waiting for The Walking Dead to come on. Life is pretty OK, you guys, rain and all.

Copping out with a repost because I’m all bogged down over here with other projects when all I want to do is sit down and pound out some nonsensical bullshit on here, you know? Especially since this dumb blog turned TEN YEARS OLD this week! Maybe we’ll celebrate once October is over. This is my busiest month, you know.
***

(Originally written November 10, 2015)

Pascal wouldn’t give Pancho money for ice cream. Mother gave him five whole dollars and said to make sure his brother got an ice cream, but Pascal spent it all on a candle for his dumb girlfriend who stunk like PSLs and was real frangible, Pascal said. She spent hours carving her face and Pancho thought she looked hideous. Pancho hated her. Peg. What a dumb name.

Pancho really wanted a motherfucking ice cream, and what made Pascal the fugleman of frosty funds? Pancho hated Pascal even more than he hated Peg and her silicon chest-gourds.

Everyone knew they were fake!

“And stop carrying that ax around everywhere. No one is scared!” Pascal sneered at Pancho. “Everyone knows it’s fake!” Just like Peg’s pepos, Pancho thought quietly to himself. “Mother bought it at the Halloween store for $8!”

Pascal was wrong though. Unlike Peg’s synthetic jugs, his ax was real.

He swapped it out with Farmer Picklepecker’s real like battle ax last week after Pascal made fun of him for carrying around a baby’s weapon. What are you gonna kill with that thing? Stink bugs? The pimples on your back? Pascal yelled across the playground one day, when Pancho was talking to his crush, Pepper.

Pepper laughed so hard, it was all Pancho could hear in his head, like sheets of metal shaking against his ears. She laughed and laughed and laughed until she was nothing more but a bad memory stuffed inside a dumpster with rotted meat and cat shit.

Pancho grudgingly followed Pascal home along the river.

It was getting late and Mother would be expecting them to set the mannequins up near the window; ever since Pa ran off with the Bulgarian gymnast coach, Mother liked the neighbors to think that the house was full of friends and livelihood, as if she wasn’t eating her weight in beer nuts and watching DVRd recordings of Family Feud, and not even the good ones with Richard Dawson, but that shitty Steve Harvey garbage.

Hearing the river whooshing below them, Pancho considered pushing Pascal into it, but Pascal caught on quickly; his rounded eye-cuts made for exceptional peripheral peering and his reflexes were on point.

“I’ll rip your stem off!” Pascal laughed.

“You’re such a dumb baby. Dear Diary, my brother wouldn’t buy me ice cream today. I am a big cry baby. I am going to stick my pacifier in my mouth now.” Pascal laughed at his own stupid joke and Pancho started to cry.

“I’m going to tell Mother on you!” Pancho whimpered.

“Oh no, please don’t tell MOTHER on me,” Pascal begged, dragging down his voice with theatrical whines.

Pascal’s mocking tone took Pancho back to a time when Mother bought him a new doll for Christmas, the kind with human heads and long flaxen hair.

The kind that Pancho would tattoo with Mother’s simmering cigarette butts.

The kind that Pancho would decapitate with Mother’s pinking shears.

And then Pancho drifted off into a sanguinary gapeseed as Pascal’s needling taunts and baby-talked derision faded away until it blended with the birds above and the blood crashing against the inside of his head.

And then—-

Static.

[Alternately titled: Bored during my lunch break when it’s raining and there’s nowhere else to go but sit at my idiotic desk.]

So since Shadows was a disappointment you shouldn’t expect much from me. So to start off, I had to go to the bathroom and there were no porta-potties to go in so I had to go to some weird bathroom with toilets that didn’t have water and it just dropped underground. Then I turned the “water” on and there was nothing and there was no SOAP, so I didn’t wash my hands at all but oh well.  The trail was uneventful because there was a HUGE group in front of us, and by huge I mean 6 people, maybe 5, but they were taking their good ol’ time and talked to EVERY. SINGLE. ACTOR. So by the time we would catch up to them, we would have to stop and wait till we can’t hear them anymore. Which is a long time, because THEY NEVER SHUT UP! Then we would get up to the spooky parts and the people wouldn’t be ready and yet mum was still fidgety. Furthermore, since we were going “too fast”, which is normal speed, and we were catching up to them, one of the actors was walking with us because we were catching up to them so he was strolling down the trail with us. That was the most that happened, OH, then a chainsaw guy chased us through a field at the end. Which happens every year, and since I knew it happened in a field, I saw a field and pushed mum back and fled the scene.

Cheeseman’s Fright Farm was, in my opinion, better this year than last year. You will find out why in the end. So we went with Blake, Haley, Janna, mum, and ME (the best) and we so spooked. During the hayride which was pretty uneventful besides the part where a chainsaw dude was putting the saw part under mum and Haley’s butt, and he touched MY FOOT! He was strange I don’t know. Then there was a strobe part and it was the part with the (creepy) chainsaw guy, and it also had some weird mannequin with a Hillary Clinton face on it, for some reason, and I think it had to do with the area we were in. Then besides that nothing else really happened on the hay ride.

During the walk-through attraction, we went through a super dark, foggy tunnel with weird guys who popped out and screamed and I did my high-pitched scream (on purpose) and kept walking. Then I was the leader because I can be and there was a knock-off Jason guy and he was wearing a low-budget hockey mask. I attempted to go around him but I brushed against hay bales and tripped and he then clapped very slowly, and mum laughed at me. Then we got in to a carnival and this guy who led us through it, tricked us into going around in a circle, but the third time we went around we noticed a flap in the wall and we walked through it.

Then, came my favorite part. The Snake Room!!!! So it was this room with a bunch of snakes obviously, and in the corner I noticed it wrote, “The Cuddle Corner,” and I said, “The Cuddle Corner???”

The girl said, “Yes the cuddle corner. Would you like to hold a snake?”

No hesitation at all I said,”YESSSSS!!!”

And that’s how I died of poisoning. Lol! Just kidding! How would I write this? This is it, the end of the post. Be sure to like, comment, and subscribe to see more of me!

It’s Chooch back with “The Adventures of Amethyst”. Sorry to make you wait like Game of Thrones because it’s been 2 years.

Drew looked down, and started to tear up.

“What’s wrong?” Penelope asked Drew concerned.

Then all of a sudden, Drew started to laugh. She was laughing hysterically, so loud that her skin started peeling off revealing a hint of steel.

Penelope saw this and started to shout, “Guys, go! I got this.”

“How do we know?” Garnet asked worried.

“JUST GO!”

Garnet started to turn and dash but realized that they were still on a log flowing rapidly down a river. She remembered about the log and waited for it to pass by. She grabbed Amethyst by the forearm and jumped to the log. Her feet skimmed the water and she lost her grip on Amethyst.

Amethyst screamed, “Help! Quick, find something to pull me out!”

Garnet started breathing heavily, and she looked around. Her hands started to glow, and that’s when she remembered the day her parents had died. The day was October 13, the day of misfortune, and her parents had gone to the Never-ending forest to search for the endangered species of Bloorbs. Bloorbs are a furry, fluffy kind of “Lizard” and they only come out on Friday the 13th. So Garnet had to stay back with her nana, Vrov. She was the meanest, most loudest Nan in the town of Hurghston. Before her parents had gone on the trip, they handed Garnet an amulet. That amulet had a chain around it, so she put it around her neck. Her parents had made it to the forest and gotten out of their jeep, and they got all of their equipment in hand. They had walked about a mile in the forest until they heard a crack in the leaves. They assumed it was a Bloorb because they are the only reptile/mammal around at night on the 13th because all the other animals get frightened and burrow or hide.

They said together, “Litinol!” That is the spell for light.

They tip-toed over to the spot where they had heard the noise and they saw a bit of fluff. Garnet’s mom got the net and trapped it, but it didn’t move.

The dad inferred, “Wait maybe…” He picked up the lizard and it was plastic.

They said, “Oh man, whoever did this is going to die!”

They chanted the spell that explodes the radius around them, but in the middle of it, they felt a shift in their spines. They turned around to see a warrior with a hockey mask and what had been jabbed into their backs had been a machete.

Garnet started to whimper and her eyes started to glow. That flashback had made her exasperated. She grabbed the amulet that was around her neck and closed her eyes. All of a sudden she felt an alteration in her bones. Her hand started to glow even brighter and metal started poking out of her hand. It was getting longer and it started to look like a chain. She decided to throw her hand in the direction of Amethyst and the chain shot in the air towards her. It splashed in the water and Amethyst got soaked, she didn’t care because as long as she wasn’t going to die she was fine. She grabbed on to the chain and Garnet pulled the chain back into her hand. Amethyst had landed on to the land.

Despite that, Penelope and Drew were still on the log speeding down the river. Drew had completely broken in to full animatronic now. She had two metal legs that had bolts missing in certain spots, and her chest area was missing a section completely so she was smoking. Drew had swung her arm at Penelope but she had ducked and heated up her arm in the sleeve of her hoodie. Drew had ducked and kicked Penelope’s shins. Penelope reacted very sharply and almost pushed herself off of the log. Drew laughed and went for a shove but Penelope countered it and pushed Drew back. Drew had saved herself from falling but her finger dipped in the finger slightly and it made a spark. That’s when it hit Penelope. Drew is a robot, so her weakness is water and it will screw up her programming. Penelope cupped her hands and dipped it in water.

Then she said, “Hasta Lavista, Baby,” and she splashed Drew in the spot where she was smoking. The water had steamed up that spot even more and it started flaming. With the flames and all of the sparks, it was like Fourth of July, which Penelope is scared of. She lunged at Drew and landed in the water. She came out with 3rd degree burns on her lips and her neck. Penelope was close enough to the riverbank and she pulled herself up and started coughing up water and ash. She looked back and saw Drew no where. Did she escape? Did she keep going?

To Be Continued…

Our whirlwind trip to Detroit-ish is coming to an end, and I didn’t want to liveblog our drive home because I’m too busy dancing in the passenger seat, much to Henry’s chagrin*. So instead, here is a video & some photos from our quick pit stop at Luna Pier. 

*(Apparently, I’m “the worst navigator” because I get “distracted” and become “too busy dancing.” Do it yourself then, Henry.)

Chooch wanted us to pretend like we were holding guns. Ok. 

We thought it was funny because Pretty Boy Floyd was referenced at a haunted house we went to last week. 

Then we looked for beach glass for approximately 37 seconds before losing interest and leaving. 

I think we still have 2 hours to go because we’ve stopped a million times to make up for not being able to stop hardly at all on the way to Michigan yesterday because we were on a TIGHT SCHEDULE thanks to Henry coming home from work later than intended. 

I’m excited to get home and do KpopX for three hours straight. 

Wednesday was picture day and I decided that I better take my own pre-picture because he never fails to eff up his hair between leaving home and saying “cheese!” or “organic locally-source hummus!” or whatever nutritious PC thing schools pretend to care about these days. 

There are a lot of attitudinal things I dislike about the age 11, but mostly Middle School Chooch has been pretty cool to observe. Dude is serious as fuck about his school work, has a good group of friends (and not that hoodlum DAVID SHITFER*), and is funny as fuck. 

*(NOT HIS REAL NAME.)

Here are some Chooch Tales. 

• Last week we were en route to a haunted house and out of nowhere, he blurted out with passion, “Just once in my life, I want to cut down a tree.”  His anger seemed unreasonable but I’ve never wanted to cut down a tree so who am I to say. 
• Almost every night, we take a walk around the neighbors, just us two, and have spirited conversations about grammar, the characters of Brookline, school drama — it’s so much fun and we always come home with something to tell Henry because Brookline is always poppin’ you guys. Like last night for example, a dead leaf wanted to walk with us so we all skipped down the sidewalk together, and then we overheard a super vitriolic domestic argument coming from one of the houses and it was chilling. 
• Today was parent teacher conferences and I’m proud to say that Chooch is super-loved up in that school. I always feel like I’m walking around with a celeb when I’m there with him. His Communications teacher is this older black woman who is challenging him so hard and I love her for it. She said he is one of only two people in the class who has an A because everyone else is having such a hard time adjusting to middle school. Then we ran into his Second Family who I have actually never met and the mom came over and gave me a big hug and gushed about how much they love having Chooch over and how he is the spitting image of me. The communications teacher said it too! I love when this happens because it feels like I scored a point against all the jerkbuns who say he looks like Henry. Then we chilled with the VP and talked about PVRIS because that’s what level we’re on over there. Oh! And his one teacher from last year shouted down the hall, “What’s up Riley! You going to see GWAR this weekend?” because now he’s notorious with some of the male teachers  for meeting GWAR at Warped Tour lol. 
• Hey speaking of Chooch’s celebrity status, we were on a family walk (lol) back from the local coffee joint when some broad yelled hello to Chooch from her car. Who the fuck was that, I asked. Oh, she lives across from Bob. She has two Corgis. Bob, you may remember, is the older man a few streets away who Chooch befriended because he too has a Corgi. Chooch has so many neighborhood friends. Which reminds me that I never wrote about his cookie dough sales from last month. There’s a lot of words for that one so I’ll have to get back to you. 
• In case you were wondering, Chooch still hates pretty much everything that I like. Today, he said, “ugh I just noticed that you’re using a kimchi jar as a succulent pot.” His voice was full of disgust and contempt. Two of his least-favorite things about me, colliding!
• Chooch wants to be this alligator hoop skirt thing for Halloween, thanks Wicker Man pagan procession:

(Henry just yelled THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME!)

• Chooch’s favorite Kpop song is GO GO by BTS. 
• He’s excited to go to South Korea because they have a raccoon cafe, it’s all he cares about. Of all the millions of awesome things there….

I guess that’s it for now. We’re currently en route to Royal Oak, Michigan and I need to talk Henry’s ear off. 

PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT. 

There was this cute cafe down the street from my work that I liked – Umbrella Cafe. I mean, technically I was only there twice, but the one time I had some kind of vegetarian goulash that made me feel like I was making out with a Romanian. It was wonderful and rustic!

Anyway, like most good things, it closed up around the beginning of summer and I was so sad. “You act like you ate there everyday,” Henry scoffed. (I guess I do this a lot.)

Shortly after, a large piece of paper went over the window that said “Bae Bae’s Kitchen coming soon” with a cute little outline of a house. For some reason, I thought that maybe it was going to be Southern comfort food? I kept picturing someone’s adorable grandmother who goes by the name Bae Bae, pulling out some fucking delicious corn bread from an oven and setting it down next to a platter of fried okra.

Months went by without an update, until one day a few weeks ago, there was a new sign next to the door, kind of not easy to see unless you’re actively searching for clues, which I was (I have little going on in my life, you guys, please let me have some thrills). On this new sign, I saw my favorite word in the whole entire world: KOREAN.

A FREAKING KOREAN RESTAURANT WAS GOING IN DOWNTOWN!

Immediately though, I wondered if it was going to be some kind of American-Korean bastardization because it seems like all of the “hip” American restaurants lately have some kind of twist to Korean cuisine on the menu. And Pittsburgh has very few traditional Korean restaurants. So I wondered.

Finally, it opened, but of course it was the week I was off work. Several people texted me about it and I was like HELLO I HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THIS. Lori said she would go with me, because she was with me one of the two whole times I went to the Umbrella Cafe, so it seemed fitting to ask her. But then she wasn’t at work on Monday or Tuesday and I wasn’t sure of her whereabouts and didn’t even consider to check the department calendar. I figured I would just wait it out. I’d make it there sooner or later.

But then! I walked past it yesterday on my break and my heartstrings were all sorts of tugged and tangled. I started to keep walking but then something in my gut stopped me and I backpedaled my ass straight into Bae’s Bae’s Kitchen, where I was greeted by a friendly Korean girl wearing a bandanna in her hair, and I was immediately so happy, why am I this way.

This is one of those joints where you order at the counter, so I walked up with a purpose and when the guy behind it said hello to me, I blurted out, “I HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE” and he was like, “OK! Let me help you…” He started explaining to me what various menu items were and I was trying so hard not to be a Hallyu know-it-all, so I just kept nodding and let him finish. I asked if the kimbap (I pronounced it the correct way, thanks) had meat in it, and he showed me that there was also a vegan version.

“Are you vegan?” he asked, and I said I was just vegetarian.

“I just pretend like I don’t know that kimchi is made with anchovies,” I laughed.

“I’m pescatarian, myself,” he said, and I savored this beautiful moment of camaraderie. I WAS HOME. Then he started to explain to me what japchae is and I was like, “Dude, I have like four bags of that in my house right now” except that I just smiled giddily instead.  You guys, you should have seen me. I was literally bouncing from foot to foot with my hands clasped under my chin.

I had already eaten my daily oatmeal lunch (I’m a sad person), so I decided to just get something light for that day. I opted for a take-out container of vegan kimbap, kimchi, and milk tea.

“Do you want boba in that?” he asked me, and when I exclaimed, “Yes!” he gave me a smile of approval.

“You get to pick a straw!” he said, offering me a selection of fat, neon straws. I picked pink, of course. And then he handed me my receipt with both hands!!!!!!

While I waited for him to finish making my milk tea, I gushed about how excited I was that they opened up downtown, and he thanked me. I wanted to be like, “I AM GOING TO SOUTH KOREA NEXT MARCH!” and also “DO YOU LIKE RUNNING MAN?!!?!?” but I took deep breaths and forced myself to bring it down a notch.

“There are utensils over there,” he said, pointing across the restaurant and in my head I was like, “LOL, OK, I have chopsticks in my desk, but thanks.”

I wanted to take some pictures of the interior and the menu, but I was the only one in there (it was after 2pm, so kind of an off-hour) and felt like everyone working there was paying attention to me. So I left with my food and immediately called Henry.

“Was he Korean?” he asked me after I told him about my exchange with the guy at the counter. Like I said, we weren’t sure if this was going to be some Americanized joint, so it was a valid question.

“Yes, they all were,” I answered.

“Did you just say ‘we all were’?!” Henry asked incredulously.

“No, I said they all were…” I said, but to be honest, I was a bit unsure and kept trying to play it back in my head.

“You totally said ‘we.’ Wow, what a Freudian slip,” Henry laughed. Fuck off Henry.

***

I was still on a Bae Bae’s high today and was telling some of my co-workers about it.

“You could have just checked the calendar!” Lori said when I told her I went without her because I didn’t know when she was going to be back in the office. “We could have went today!” And then later, I accidentally left her off of a department-wide email, so I’m losing points with her left and right. Now she will never make me another Special Event countdown calendar!

Meanwhile, I had talked such a good game that Todd was totally geared up to check this place out today for lunch.

“Where is it, again?” he asked.

“It’s down by where my favorite homeless person sits,” I said matter-of-factly, and Todd knew exactly where I meant because I have dragged everyone down into my crazed abyss. Unfortunately, Todd was on late shift today so he got to Bae Bae’s at 4 and apparently they were only serving drinks at that time because they were preparing to open back up for dinner at 5.

Lauren said she could appreciate that, but Todd was all, “I walked so far out of my normal radius for that!” But then Amber suggested that maybe our next group team building exercise could be lunch at Bae Bae’s. SHE IS THE BEST!

(Would it be embarrassing if I ask them if they’re named after a BIGBANG song?)

Friday, October 13, 2017 we went to Dark View in Toronto, Ohio with Janna and it was sweet.

In this picture I’m biting my nails because I’m “spooked”.

It was chilly while we were there and of course, like most haunted houses, there was smoke so it smelled like (smoke?).

We were waiting for some one else to get in line so we weren’t the first people because that would be really annoying and we would be the first targets and we would be the first people the guys terrorize.

I guess it was a bad idea to wait because we were the second people but we had to wait for like three more groups because of FREAKING V.I.P! V.IP always ruins everything. The host dude thing guy was telling us a (fake? true?) story, it was debatable.

It was normal and it was definitely a fake story because it was like “Pretty Boy Floyd was killed by my Grandfather. Don’t believe that the government killed him.”

Then it took a dark turn and it kind of sounded true because you wouldn’t make stuff up like this, and in the rural Trump-lovin’ area we were in, it was definitely true. Then since our groups were switched because V.I.P took half of our group we were left with these three pre-adults and they were cool, not annoying at all. (no for real, not sarcasm).

Then the three guys had to get marked to get in, but before that he had to give someone his flashlight and walking stick so he gave them to mum and she was like super excited. (I was forced to write this. Lol). Then the guy drew a butt on one of their wrists and then on the other was a spaghetti factory throwing up or something.

Then those three guys didn’t hear the story so the man was like, “I will tell you guys the history of this house.”

Then I said, “Ugh!”

He glanced at me and said, “OK, you don’t have to hear it.”

So he told the story and I stood there and waited, then we were finally going to go but the guy, let’s call him Sal, grabbed me by the shoulder and said, “You’re going first.”

I said, “Umm, No thank you.” And I walked back to our group.

He pulled me back and said, “You’re going first.

”

So I went with it and walked in the shed which we had to go in before we did the attractions.

I sat at the end of one of the benches that were in there but the guy tapped me on the shoulder again and said, “No, you sit here,” as he pointed to the middle of the bench.

I asked, “Why?”

He walked away and closed the door, then the lights shut off and some dragon thing started moving and talking, it was just going over the rules like ,”Don’t touch anything, and nothing will touch you,” Boring… *Snore*

One part in the house we went into some ritual room to keep the ghosts away, and we had to do a chant (I don’t remember it, I think it was German or Russian or Gibberish) but at one point we had to form a circle and hold each others hand but when it came to daddy and one of the kids to hold each others hand, he refused. Which made the kid sad. (He cried, go to his Go Fund Me page and donate money to cure him of his depression) Comment #CureThatKid if you made it this far!

Then there was a trail and there a tree dude and I said, “Groot!” but he ignored me. );

But there was also a leaf guy and I said, “Groot’s brother!” but he also ignored me. )’:

That was the end of my sadness but then it was my joy because Michael Myers was there and I could say that mum loves him and he can follow her, which he did.

Finally we made it to a circus and it was AMAZING.

There was the main clown who lead us through the whole time and we met him at the Kissing Booth and he asked, “Does anyone want to kiss?

”

He looked at daddy and said, “How ’bout you, you Big Beautiful Bearded Man, wanna give me a kiss?”

But yet again Henry made another person sad, because he likes to spread his hate all over.

So the clown led us and then this fat guy peeked over the fence and started talking to us.

“Who’s excited to see The Fat Man?? I have eyes and a smile on my belly!”

Then the main clown was like, “No one does, go away,”

Then some conversation was going on but I forget most of it.

Then we went through a maze and I lead because I’m a beautiful Corgi, and I hit a dead end then I turned around and pulled another flap and saw a guy in a hat standing there, but I squeezed passed him and exited.

Then we ended up with the fat man guy, but before that there was a gymnast who was saying, “If you liked it clap twice, and if you don’t like it clap twice because he will beat me,” and he pointed at the main clown.

He ended up doing *pretty* bad but with all gave him like fifteen claps.

The fat man didn’t really do anything except make the face on his belly talk, and then he told us to go through this cushioned tunnel and tell the guys at the end that Fatso sent us.

We got to the end and of course I was leading so I got jump-scared by an air-horn. I guess it was the end because we were getting our picture taken.

When we were standing there, there was a cannon going down and I guess going to shoot but when it hit zero we all flinched, it took our picture, and it splashed us with water. That was very unexpected but I knew something was going to happen, I’m sure everyone else did too.

Overall, it was amazing. My favorite part was when “Groot” came out because he was so cool. But since I want to get to 1000 words, I’m going to write a few more. If I had to pick another part I would say the maze because I like leading! Bye guys and gals!