Dec 242017

HAY GUYS I’m going to make good on my promise to focus on happy things and despite my perma-pessimism and mainstay-malaise, there is so much good in my life. And I really am grateful. Just gotta stay focused and keep the eyes on the prize. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT.

Here are some piktchurs.

MONTHS AGO, we bought 4 plain-ass ugly dining room chairs at Goodwill for like $10, I don’t know. Somehow, all of our chairs have broken and it’s not like we ever actually sit at the dining room table anyway, but I thought it would be nice to make-believe that we’re grown-ups and get actual chairs that match. Of course, I had grand visions of giving them a makeover though.

Then they just sat around for months because that’s how shit goes around here. However, we’re having a small dinner party next week so I started cracking the whip and Henry finally painted them this beautiful (G)dragon green. Once that was done, we went to Joann to get fabric. Of course I picked the most impractical, messy, expensive fabric to which Henry sighed, “Whatever you want” while images of him shitting money into a toilet churned through his mind. The fabric cutter consistently referred to the fabric as “he” and “him” which I thought was weird until she brandished her scissors & was all TIME TO CUT HIM UP and then I was like FUCK YEAH GIRL POWER.

Then she was like, “If you have the Joann app, you can probably save money on this” so I downloaded it even though I’m no coupon-cutter, but then old miserable broad at the register combatted my every coupon-presenting effort.

“REGULARLY-PRICED ITEMS ONLY. THIS ITEM IS ON SALE” for the 20% off all fabric coupon.

“YES BUT BEFORE TAX, YOUR TOTAL IS $29.59” for the $5 off a purchase of $30 or more.

FUCK YOU! I HATE SHOPPING! Henry gave me the “take it easy” arm squeeze but my day was ruined. Just ruined.

Anyway, Henry finished upholstering and assembling all four chairs today and I’m in heart-eye heaven. I’ve been stroking them lovingly, like they’re fucking unicorns, and I”ll tell you — that particular sensory therapy has been working for me today. I haven’t cried in like an hour.

I wrapped the presents in front of the cats, but it was OK because they think it’s for the cat down the street. (You know, Mr. Gray? The one that Chooch gets paid seventy five cents to take for walks?) Also, my wrapping skills have somehow managed to get even worse this year. I’m just a mess.

“Are you using my packing tape?!” Henry cried from the dining room and I just shrugged defiantly and said, “I don’t know, this is what Chooch was using too, so…”

Making sure Drew doen’t maul Trudy is also a good distraction.

This one is so ready for Christmas.

We all had eye appointments yesterday (UGHHH) and I opted for some special non-covered retina picture thing because I am obsessed with losing my eye sight (thinking about my eyes and teeth often keeps me up night) but the doctor said my eyes are perfectly healthy and I felt like she could have given me a sticker that said so, but her word is good enough I guess. Also it was a really big deal because after seven years, I think I may have finally found a pair of glasses that are big* and don’t cause me to have a psychological breakdown but I didn’t get them at that time because I panicked and just ordered contacts instead and now I’m convinced that when I go back, they’re going to be all, “OH HAHAHA THOSE FRAMES WERE A LIMITED EDITION, JUST THE DAY YOU WERE HERE, AVAILABILITY” and they’ll try to get me to buy a pair that aren’t big enough.

*(I mean, they’re not big enough for me to step through like a pair of pants, which is the size I really need, but I think this might be the biggest size I’m going to be able to find for now on Planet Earth. Ugh.)

Then I went to Target and bought myself a new purse from the little girl section because I needed something cute and sparkly to make me smile, and even though my phone doesn’t even fit in it, I’m going to fucking carry it with me everyday. I’ll just fill it with chapstick and gum wrappers, I guess. Maybe a bobby pin.

Chooch always knows how to cheer this bitch up.

You guys! Remember when Jeannie said she was going to get me a Skip-It?! I came to work on Thursday and there was a gift bag on my desk WITH A SKIP-IT (well, “Skip Ball” as the kids these days call it). I was so excited! Jeannie, Glenn and Todd gathered around and watched me demonstrate, but only because they were hoping I would fall. I did not fall. Sorry guys! But this one is kind of hard to get the hang of.

Don’t worry – I’m already a master! And of course Chooch and I have been fighting over it ever since I brought it home.

Henry and the cats say thanks, Jeannie!

Three more months ’til South Korea. Just gotta hang on for three more months.

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