Tuna Tar-Tart

I suck at everything. Probably more than you do. I enjoy experimenting with cheese and playing with glue sticks. You might know me from that other joint, LiveJournal.

Dec 032021

Hi, Friday Fives. It’s been awhile! Did you miss me? I missed you. Let’s pretend like I never forgot to recount five things on a Friday and just, I dunno, base-jump right on in. Here are five rando things from the past week-ish, off the top of my fried brain. Like it or don’t like it, BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT HO HO IS WATCHING (or, Him Ho as my cats call him) (or Santa as everyone else calls him). This will probably be a quickie though because my blogging tank is running on E this eve.


Oh Spotify, serving up some seriously shitty designed graphics for everyone to spam their Instagram friends with. Yes, I am everyone. My top genres cracked me up though. I’LL ALWAYS HAVE ROOM FOR SOFT ROCK IN MY DESICCATED HEART.

And in case you were wondering, my top 5 artists were SHINee (duh), NCT Dream, NCT 127, Taemin (duh), and DANCE GAVIN DANCE. I will always love my post-hardcore bands. Oh, and all of Henry’s top 5 songs were Kpop, because he’s KPOPDAD. I still laugh when people assume that he doesn’t like kpop and is living in hell over here. He will happily watch every music show performance of whatever comeback song has me screaming lately. SOMETIMES HE EVEN REQUESTS IT.

2. Shot Solidarity

Henry and I were off work on Monday and Tuesday. The cats had their annual check-up on Tuesday which included RABIES SHOTS so in order to take one for the team, Henry and I found somewhere that was giving the covid booster without appointments necessary. It was under this bridge in McKeespo—lol sike. It was just at a pharmacy inside Shop n Save. It was definitely less exciting than getting the actual vaccine, that’s for sure!

I had read numerous articles about how mixing the vaccine when getting the booster can actually be beneficial to building immunity, so when the broad asked if we wanted to stay with Pfizer or switch to Moderna, I blurted out that I wanted to switch. Of course, I had major vaccine-allegiance remorse right after that, but Henry followed suit and we both cheated on Pfizer like redheaded hoes and LOOK PFIZER, I’M SORRY I REALLY AM. I wish I could take it back, especially the next day when Henry and I felt like we were both dying after having no side effects whatsoever with either dose of Pfizer aside from a sore arm.

Luckily I work from home, because halfway through the day on Wednesday, I really felt like I was at death’s door (OK MAYBE I JUST FELT A LITTLE FLU-ISH AND THAT’S MY DRAMA STUDENT ALTER EGO TALKING). I didn’t have a fever even though I really like it should have been like 137 degrees FAHRENHEIT because I’m a dumbo American.

Anyway, by that evening, my back was BROKE, bitches. I dunno if it was a nerve thing or what but I was having actual problems standing without the support of my hand on a wall or whatever. I was getting pretty scared and even wondered if I was going to need to go to the hospital. I ask, was this the fault of MODERNA or me being a stupid workout freak?

Henry went to bed at like 8:30 that night because, and I quote, “WHEN PEOPLE AREN’T FEELING WELL, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REST AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO” so he left me alone downstairs and I kept looking at my FitBit, feeling anxious that I only just barely made my step count for the day and I really felt like I still needed some kind of supplemental workout since I had been half-lying on the couch in a fugue state most of the night. So I did a 20 minute Paul Eugene CHAIR WORKOUT FOR SENIORS.

They say that every little bit of movement helps, and…that’s exactly what this was: a little bit of movement, lol.

The next morning, I texted Henry and told him I did that and he was like YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE but I think he meant actually INCREDIBLE.

And also maybe I’m addicted to exercise. Yeah, I am. There I said it. It’s a sickness. But a….healthy sickness?


And it’s from my good friend, Alyson, who really knows how to address an envelope, lemme tell you! This cracked me up so hard!

It’s been so long that I almost forgot what started this and then I remembered that it’s because Henry’s mom, back in the day, kept sending cards addressed HUGELY to Henry and then my name would be a tiny (& Erin – usually spelled wrong) squished at the end like the most squiggliest afterthought of a period. And the actual reason it used to irritate me was that I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MAIN, OG RESIDENT OF THIS DUMB BROOKLINE SHANTY. I lived here for like 3 years before letting idiot Henry move in but oh my god, MAN OF THE HOUSE trumps all.

4. Henry’s colorful bowls

Henry has been making me really beautiful salads lately. This is a seasonal switch from the just-as-beautiful smoothie bowls he had been previously making me until it started to get too cold for that and I said that he was going to need to make me hot smoothie bowls, to which he said, “so….soup?” Oh yeah, soup lol. But for now, salads will do!


I forgot to show you people the cute color-changing glass I bought myself as an October pick-me-up from Etsy! The ghosts change from brown to white as the glass cools. I love it and am also terrified that one of these dumbos in my house will break it – oh wait, they’d have to actually wash the dishes for that to happen HAHAHAHA.


Also, this just in: Chooch came home from work while I was tap-tap-tappin’ away and said that he’s burnt out from working at McDonald’s and is going to start looking for something new. He’s definitely not tired of making money but he wants to make more of it so I dunno, good luck FIFTEEN YEAR OLD.

Oh wait here’s a bonus video because I’m re-obsessed with Pierce the Veil and my love for this song was rekindled truly & madly & deeply in the car over the weekend. They are currently recording the fifth album and I am so excited!!

Have a great weekend, where ever you are, and whoever you are lol.

Dec 022021

OK Brenda listen up. You know how we’re always sniffing out vegan eateries in whatever town the coasters are luring us to? Well, um…I might have chosen Six Flags Over Georgia PURPOSELY based on its close proximity to SLUTTY VEGAN. Henry alerted me to the existence of this BEAST of a vegan establishment several months ago and I have been obsessing ever since.

They have several locations around Atlanta, but from the YouTube videos I’ve watched, it looks like people line up clear around the block for this joint – one of the vegan YouTubers I watch actually stood in line for 5 hours outside in the winter when Slutty Vegan’s food truck travelled to NYC, and she still said it was WORTH THE HYPE. Also, whatever bacon they use appears to be the benchmark for all vegan bacon because I’m always hearing people comparing vegan bacon to Slutty Vegan’s bacon.

Also, it’s owned by a Black woman and this makes it even more appealing to me because you know how I love to support places like this!

Anyway, after leaving Six Flags Saturday night, Henry was like, “OK, let’s just go there and see if it’s a mess and then we’ll go from there.” I was literally having quiet, contained anxiety attacks about this because I wanted to shove slutty meatless delights into my whore mouth but I also didn’t want to endure crowds of people. LUCKILY, whichever location Henry chose was not the popular one because there was only one other person there!

It was a really small, walk-up location. I’m actually not even sure if you can dine-in at the main location now that I think about it, even though it does seem like it’s a much bigger place.

Right away, it felt like a party. The music was blasting even outside so as we walked down the sidewalk from our car, the vibe was RIGHT. Then we were greeted by the friendliest lady at the ordering counter; she was just BEAMING charisma, I fucking swear to god. There is nothing better and more comforting than going somewhere for the first time and having an employee essentially hold your hand and walk you through the process, which is exactly what she did and I really, really, really wish I had the forethought to check out her name because I would have loved to give her props when I wrote my Google review!

She explained the menu to us, told us what the most popular items were, what her personal favorite beverage is, what types of sauces they had on hand…it was like VIP treatment. The reason I’m really stressing this part of the experience is because it’s not uncommon to get treated like shit at trendy, hipster-run vegan restaurants. It’s almost like they know we’re FRAUDS when we walk in: you have Carnivore Henry, Vegetarian Chooch, and 50/50 Vegan/Vegetarian me.

I eat eggs still, OK?? And honey! SORRY.

But according to the owner, Pinky Cole (who is AN INSPIRATION, let me tell you), the majority of their customers are actually meat-eaters and that is actually amazing because this means that’s at least one meatless meal that these people are eating and it also means that this place is dispelling the myth that vegan food = rabbit food, and that maybe it’s delicious enough to get them to at least CUT BACK on their meat consumption. And that is actually so wonderful to think about.

So maybe this place is super gimmicky, but it gets people through the doors. And then it’s the quality of the food that gets them coming back. Because I am here right now telling you that this was the best vegan “fast food” I have ever had and I am WHIPPED for it. Literally have not been able to stop thinking about it since we left Georgia last weekend.

Oh! And when it was learned that we were n00bs to Slutty Vegan, our counter friend called back into the kitchen that there were VIRGINS in the house and everyone started cheering and banging on the counters. IT WAS SO EXCITING!!! My other favorite part though was hearing Chooch casually order a Fussy Hussy with no tomatoes. And Henry opted to upgrade his One Night Stand to a Menage a Trois, which added the legendary BACON and also FRIED SHRIMP!!! to the mix. I was really excited that he did this because I originally wanted to get the HEAUX BOY but it wasn’t available that day so I opted for the Chik’n Head instead. It is really hard for me to pass up vegan chicken sandwiches. I wasn’t much of a burger-eater in my past meat-eating days, but I could definitely kill a chicken sandwich. In fact, that and the McFish are the only things I ever really got at McDonald’s but that feels like an actual lifetime ago.

(I can still vividly remember the special chicken parm sandwich from Burger King though, OMFG I loved that shit as a kid!! It also felt like such a “grown up” thing to eat for some reason lol.)

Anyway, once our order was ready, we were floated out the door on a ribbon of hilarious and exuberant SLUT chants from the Slutty Vegan staff. It was one of the best send-offs of my life, not gonna lie, fam.

Then we had to endure the 10 minute drive back to the hotel which was EXCRUCIATING with a bagful of tempting, tongue-curling smells as the fourth passenger.

These pictures are shit but look, Linda – I was tryna EAT the damn food not fluff it for Glamour Shots. I dunno what that sauce was on my chik’n sandwich but I’d like to marinate all of my foods in it starting yesterday. Henry and I always get different things so we can share but I really didn’t want to give him half of this, ughhhhh.

(LOL it was Buffalo sauce – I just looked it up. As a vegetarian, I haven’t really had many opportunities to eat food saturated in Buffalo sauce so I’m not sure that’s a taste I would have recognized.)


You can see the shrimp and bacon sorta. I should have taken headshots of that fucking shrimp because it was INSANITY. Maybe it didn’t taste SO MUCH like the real thing that it would fool a meathead, but it was pretty fucking close. The  texture was scary-realistic and the taste was half-past shrimp adjacent, more toward shrimp shadow. Like, it was REALLY CLOSE to passing, you guys. I am obsessed with it. There are some faux shrimp products on the market that we have tried and nothing has come close until Slutty Vegan. When can I go back.

And that bacon? Yeah, I get it now. I’m officially IN THE KNOW. That was some delectable fake bacon, Wendell.

And Chooch actually didn’t even want to go there once he saw the pictures because he “wasn’t that hungry” and “wouldn’t be able to eat all of that” and yet…and yet.

Bitch inhaled that burger before Henry even sat down and unwrapped his.

But yeah, that burger. Ouch, my gut, but give me more. They use the Impossible Burger but they add their own spices and secrets to it and whatever happens after that is pure animal-friendly magic. SLUT SAUCE FTW.

I hardly ever write actual online reviews but then I heard that BLUE LIVES MATTER fucker-bitches were flooding Slutty Vegan with negative reviews when Pinky made the choice to stop giving discounts to the Georgia police during the aftermath of the George Floyd murder, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter protests, I definitely felt compelled to add my five-stars.

I salivated for mths while watching so many YouTube videos about this place. Finally came to Atlanta from Pittsburgh and was determined to wrap my mouth around one of these slutty creations. I can now say with confidence that Slutty Vegan is worth the hype! Even my carnivorous partner was doing the Homer Simpson moan while devouring his Ménage a Trois! (That shrimp! The texture! The flavor! HOW?!) I got the Chik’n Head and, four days later, am still having vivid, possibly explicit daydreams about it.

The vibe of Slutty Vegan really elevated the experience – it felt like walking into the friendliest, most inclusive party, and when the person at the ordering counter found out we were VIRGINS, she happily navigated us through the menu and made helpful suggestions. I wish I had gotten her name because she was SO GREAT!

I have eaten at some vegan places where everyone acted like they were 2 cool 4 skool and it really took away from the experience but that was not the case with Slutty Vegan. I’m obsessed. This was the best, most indulgent vegan food I’ve ever had and I’m so sad that I’m back in Pittsburgh, hundreds of miles away from my new crush, Slutty Vegan. :(

Oh man, get me back to Georgia STAT. I need to eat my way through this menu! I want Pinky Cole’s autograph. What a gem.

Nov 302021

I didn’t feel like liveblogging on our drive last Friday but here are the highlights from Twitter plus whatever else I remember. I’m 42 now. There’s not much room left in my head for memories, considering how thick my skull is. I apparently didn’t tweet very much:

  • Oh here we go. Henry BEGGED me to drive for two hours so I did and now that it’s his turn again, he’s bitching about how I allegedly drive “LIKE A MANIAC.” But did I shave a bunch of time from our ETA??? Yes so I’ll take that as a THANK YOU.
  • Ugh Henry just bought really disgusting gas station trail mix and it tastes like I ate a handful while walking thru a fish market.

Yeah, so I drove for two hours two the NEW RIVER GORGE area of West Virginia which is never-ending, I fucking swear to god. I listened to Pierce the Veil while Henry and Chooch slept. It was fine. But then once Henry took the wheel, it was HUNGRY TIME and we just happened to be near Dolly’s Diner which I became obsessed with the last time we traversed this route on my birthday trip last summer.

(Side note: I love Pierce the Veil so much and haven’t really listened to them in so long that some of the songs were really hitting hard. I was glad that I was the only one awake because I was EMOTING.)

The food was nothing to write home about but I vividly remembered their famous BUTTERSCOTCH LUSH and I would be FIBBING if I told you I hadn’t thought about straight motorboating a wedge of that heavenly sugar-pillow ever since the first time a forkful of it splayed itself across my tongue. So honestly, I didn’t give a fuck about the actual dinner portion of the evening. I was there for the main XXX event.

As soon as we walked in, I was in approximately everyone’s way and apparently forgot to turn down the dimmer on my CITY FOLK PASSING THRU neon crown on my head. “I WANT TO SIT IN THE SAME BOOTH WE SAT IN LAST TIME” I stage-whispered to Henry, who elicited a smirk of disapproval immediately. But then Chooch, who is sometimes on my side, said to the hostess with full confidence, “We would like to sit at Table 11, please.”

She was a young, surly girl who looked PISSED to be working on a Friday night and even more annoyed at the audacity of these CITY FOLK requesting a specific table. But she sighed in a tenor that translated to, “OK weirdos” and lead us straight to our specifically-desired booth. I had no idea that the table numbers were so visible on each one, not that my poor eyes could see that from the front door anyway.


We unfortunately did not have the same older woman waitress as last time, which is a shame because that broad was awesome. Instead, we got a young girl with little personality who was very matter-of-fact about everything. Like when Chooch had the gull to order pink lemonade and she was like, “Sorry we only have the yellow kind” and why was this so fucking hilarious to me?? Everything from the fact to Chooch going rogue and wanting an off-menu pink bev, to the waitress nipping that want in the bud immediately.

Meanwhile, some older man was walking around the joint, stopping to open up window blinds here and there. When he was kneeling across the seat of the booth behind us to reach the blind on that particular window, he turned to us and your standard WV greeting of HOWDY FOLKS and we were like, “YAY SOMEONE IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO TALK TO US OUTLANDERS” or maybe it was just me who reacted as such by returning his greeting with giant Pittsburgh gusto. (Whatever that means.) He asked if we had been here before – a solid query since none of us were wearing suspenders, trucker hats, or any type of WV PRIDE garment. Since Henry doesn’t talk to WAITSTAFF and Chooch was too busy fiddling with his RUBIK’S CUBE (his latest obsession, help me, so sick of hearing about algorithms), I became the default spokesperson of TABLE 11 and said, “NO, WE HAVE BEEN HERE ONCE. WE CAME BACK FOR THE BUTTERSCOTCH LUSH” and the way I said it might have had slight rabbit-in-a-pot vibes to it. The crazed look flashing in my eyes might have contributed a bit to that vibe too but who can be sure. I just get really AMPED ABOUT DESSERTS and it’s hard for me to hide it.

My exuberance was clearly an invitation for him to turn around in the booth behind us and lean in between Henry and me (!!!) in order to start pointing out various menu items. “You like Philly cheese steak?” he asked, giving me absolutely no chance to respond. “Cuz this here is the best thing on the menu. WE DEEP FRY THE BUN.” I was trying not to laugh because Henry had pointed that out earlier, but not in a way that expressed any interest in trying out this deep-fried bun for himself.

“Wow,” I said, trying to push the word out as an exclamation but it fell flat. “You should get that!” I nudged Henry obnoxiously. And then the guy (Mr. Dolly? He had “owner material” written all over him) continued making his rounds, but I noted that he did not give any of the other diners as much time and undivided attention as the VIPs of TABLE ELEVEN.

By the time the waitress came back with Chooch’s YELLOW bev and flipped open her order pad, Henry had somehow convinced himself that he was now obligated to order the Philly cheesesteak even though it wasn’t what he wanted. I laughed. When don’t I laugh.

Chooch got a grilled cheese and I just went for the egg and cheese sandwich, which was supposed to come on a BISCUIT but the only option the waitress gave me was TOAST, and then when it arrived, the eggs were scrambled and there was no cheese on it! It was the most pathetic breakfast sandwich ever, but that’s ok because its only purpose was to coat my stomach before I stuffed a plate of whipped creamy LUSH down in there.

Waitress displayed mucho ambivalence toward us until Henry called after her, “Wait can I also get cole slaw?” And suddenly the fact that Henry wanted a side of slaw endeared our table to her. The way she stopped in her tracks and sing-songed over her shoulder, “Yeaaaah! Small or large bowl?”

Henry chose the small bowl and then was like, “I wonder how big the big bowl is,” just as another waitress began to walk toward us with a large bowl on her tray. “There’s your cole slaw,” I laughed, but it was really just soup for another table and Henry’s cole slaw ended up coming a few minutes later in a standard side bowl.

Cole slaw action shot.

At one point, the waitress asked we needed anything in passing, and I was concerned because she didn’t call us YALL like she was calling everyone else, and I just wanted to be INCLUDED. But then later she did call us YALL and I felt better.

When it was time for dessert ordering, I asked in a very hyperactive, desperate yell, “DO YOU HAVE THE BUTTERSCOTCH LUSH?” The waitress was like, “Yeah of course we do” and the came back a few seconds later to say, “I’m sorry, we don’t have any butterscotch lush.”

I WANTED TO DIE. LITERALLY. I almost screamed, “WE CAME ALL THE WAY FROM PITTSBURGH AND YINZ DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY OF IT?” but instead I popped an imaginary pill and calmly asked, “OK what else do you have?” As soon as she said, “Pumpkin lush” I cut her off and said, “OK I’ll take that!” and that was dumb. I should have listened to the options. Because the pumpkin lush was not it, fam.

All the other parts of the lush were exactly as I remembered them to be, but the pumpkin part was kind of gross. The texture was too viscous and it was kind of sour. It was reminiscent of the kind of filling in those Little Debbie pumpkin cookies – but less sweet and, I dunno, wetter. If it had been more like a pumpkin pie puree, it would have been bangin’. But I don’t know what they used in there. I should have went with the cherry one or, anything else, really.

Chooch had a German Chocolate Cake which they clearly nuked before serving, as evidenced by the wafts of steam billowing off his plate. His was pretty good though. I remember the last time, he ordered the coconut cake and that was really good too, so we know that at least three of the desserts are good, which leads  me to believe that the pumpkin lush was just a poor choice and I should not write off Dolly’s.

I mean, believe me, I ate every last crumb off that plate, it wasn’t INEDIBLE, people.

Oh! While we were in Dolly’s, that old song “My Guy” came on and I got all dreamy-eyed. “I always associate this with ‘Days of Our Lives’,” I sighed. Henry the Dunce asked why, forcing me to adopt my “indignant teenaged disgust” voice. “Because of when it was sung to ALICE HORTON??” I cried and the way Henry’s eyebrows levitated off his forehead and contorted into a foating question mark said it all.

Fun fact, when I was a kid, I wrote a fan letter to the actress who played/plays Jennifer Horton AND SHE SENT ME SIGNED HEADSHOT. I still have it somewhere I think.

Obligatory gas station bathroom road trip selfie. This was at a Flying J either still in WV or in VA. All I know is that I was the only one there wearing a mask and got some really classy glares. I love this divided country!

Three hours later, and I still couldn’t stop thinking about “the yellow kind.” WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY.

And then, while Chooch “I’m so tired, I work all the time and wake up at 4:45am to go shopping on Black Friday, boo hoo hoo” slept the rest of the night in the backseat, Henry and I had a very pleasant drive to our Friday night destination of Sweet Water, TN. We listened to A Perfect Circle and I made barfing noises when we drove past a giant church cross.

The end.

Nov 282021

I wasn’t going to LiveBlog because we woke up late and now we can’t do all the fun stuff I wanted to do on the way home (ok it was just one fun thing and I wasn’t really married to the idea but whatever).

But I’m bored and need something to do so here we are.

It’s 10:30 and we just stopped at this place screaming about PEACHES PECANS AND FIREWORKS. We went there specifically to see if we could find any good deals on peanuts for the squirrels (lol my life) but they only had bags of RAW p’nuts which are not good for my Buddys and Grays!

Instead we spent $40 on deep fried peanuts, strawberry peanut brittle, locally made soy candles, lip balm, and beard balm. And something called Divinity that Henry tried to not share with me but I ripped it out of his hand.

I could have spent more money there, easily.

I didn’t see any real peaches there and made the mistake of saying so, and now I’m enduring a spiel from Farmer Hank about how peaches are out of season. I wonder where he hides his Farmers Almanacs.

Omg henry is so annoying. He keeps changing the route while he’s driving in an effort to bypass anticipated traffic. “This will put us through the top of Tennessee,” he said. “What’s the top of Tennessee?” I asked. “Not the bottom,” he replied. I MEANT LIKE WHAT CITIES BUT OK MR LITERAL.

Hi it’s almost noon. Henry and I talked about LGBTQ+ issues, nutrition, and Slutty Vegan for like an hour in case you were wondering why I wasn’t updating lololol. Now we’re at a gas station and Dunkin’ Donuts in Athens Georgia because why wouldn’t we have left Georgia yet. I had an annoying gas station bathroom experience thanks to a loud mom and her 12 children. Also I broke a nail last night when pulling down my restraint on Georgia Scorcher and I need a nail file but have not found one at any place we stopped. Also my macchiato (“macchiato” – very LOOSE definition) tastes like hot water. Henry tried to stir it by shaking it and sprayed “macchiato” everywhere so I yelled about how I “try to keep the car clean but then YOU PEOPLE–”

“Is ‘you people’ me and Chooch?” Henry had the audacity to interrupt.


Twenty five minutes later. In Tennessee. We just drove past a giant cross. I blurted out, “Giant crosses are pathetic” and I dunno why I said that other than the power of Satan compelled my tongue.

Also, earlier in the drive I was fixated on the fact that we don’t pronounce sugar soo-gar and now Henry says “SOOGAR” every time he sees a sign that has sugar on it. So that’s a cool linguistic monster I created.

1:11pm and I was just vocalizing how I imagine Henry would be right now if he’d never met me: sitting in a tattered recliner in a sweat-stained wife beater, shotgun propped up against the side, long greasy hair, knife in a holster of his belt which also features a huge belt buckle since he’s an OTR truck driver, eating a HUNGRY MAN tv dinner while shotgunning a generic beer and watching–

“NCIS?” Henry cut me off with a sigh.

“No, GRACE UNDER FIRE,” I shouted, choking on laughter. “And who’s that other asshole…JEFF FOXWORTHY.”

“I used to listen to him before he was famous,” Henry said and I think he meant it as a brag???

“Wow congrats. You were a redneck hipster.”

1:51: THIS JUST IN–at a Pilot somewhere in Tennessee and THERE WERE FOUR OF US BROADS IN THE BATHROOM WEARING MASKS. I felt like I was with MY PEOPLE.

2:25pm: had a fight about maps. Chooch actually defended me by pointing out that HENRY can’t even read a map. Thanks, Backseat Son.

Anyway here are mountains. Maybe the Smokies? Who can be sure. No one can read a map.

Also just passed a billboard for HEAVENLY STITCHES: a quilt store. Cool.

2:53: GUYS. WE JUST WENT TO PAL’S SUDDEN SERVICE. I have been OBSESSED with this fast food chain since we saw one Friday night when henry abruptly pulled off an exit to go to Dunkin’ Donuts and one was right next store. I AMOST forgot about it until today when Henry was saying stuff that I wasn’t listening to as usual and then casually added, “and then you can go to Pal’s” and I was suddenly ERECT WITH ATTENTION.

The exit sign is A POINTING HOT DOG!!!

I got a toasted cheese!!! I made Henry get a Mello Yello so I could drink some because I didn’t want my own!

Henry tried to pay at the ordering window and the girl LAUGHED AT HIM and said, “oh no, you pay at the pick up window” like Henry had asked to see the basement. It was such a highlight.

Here are pictures I took Friday night:

I need a Pal’s t-shirt SO BADLY NOW.

6:00pm: HENRY made me drive for the last TWO HOURS most of it was GRIDLOCKED TRAFFIC in Virginia, while he slept like a precious WHITE MAN. My nerves are shot now. I pulled over to switch with him RIGHY BEFORE the dumb toll thing which I had to drive through on Friday too and it was so annoying because we have EZ Pass but were behind CANADIANS who had to dig around their car for change and I was very unhappy with our NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH in that moment.

Anyway did I mention that I’m in a bad mood now? Because I am. Fuck off Henry. If you even ever read this!!!!!

Omg he just had the audacity to say something about me complaining about driving when he still has to drive for 3 hours and 45 minutes and I was like, “yeah and you got to sleep for 2 hours so I dunno why you’re complaining!” But now he’s saying he wasn’t?? Um I’m sorry but when he bitched about the remaining time left he has to drive, that was him LODGING A COMPLAINT. Fuck off!!

6:25: Hi. My other dream was to go to Tudor’s Biscuit World & get a motherfucking biscuit since all my other biscuit dreams were crushed on this trip. Now we’re here but we got stuck behind an elderly couple who just materialized from outer space and we’re ecstatic to order human food except they had no idea how. But at least they’re wearing masks!


I loved our experience at Tudor’s was amazing and I am very happy. My favorite part was when Henry accidentally threw away all the plates into the garbage can:

And then couldn’t find anyone to tell because they were all outside smoking. So when he found them on our way out, the one lady was like “oh it’s alright. We’ll just leave them there” and the other lady said she wouldn’t tell. Henry’s such a chump.

Also, I feel like I missed out by not ordering the CAPPICINO:

8:25pm: I just changed Henry’s Waze profile to this and I’m crying and he’s in the drivers seat going WHAT. WHAT. WHAT DID YOU DO. STOP FUCKING WITH MY STUFF!!!

I just spit on myself trying to hold in another round of hyena-level laughter.

I just signed him up to be a Waze carpool driver and I’m crying.

I’m nice but don’t like to talk much unless it’s about military airplanes and the TV show Monk.

I gave myself a stomach ache.

I’m so overheated from laughing that I’m sweating. I tried to show Chooch my hard work and he said I DONT CARE. Meanwhile Henry is over here panicking, wondering what damage I’ve done to his impeccable Wave profile.


9:20: Listening to my old COCK ROBIN jam and I said, “I’m not sure how I ever knew about this song. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it on the radio.” And, with a SMIRK, Henry said, “probably from one of those dumb CDs you used to buy.”

LOLOLOL: he means all the COMPILATION CDs I used to get via MAIL ORDER using my mom’s credit card lol.


I guess I will post this worthless account of nothingness now. Will update if anything interesting happens??

UPDATE: I only accumulated 2500 steps thanks to basically driving non-stop all day. We got home at 10:35 tonight and I was DETERMINED to meet my daily goal of 12000 (I usually get way more than that but 12000 is what I have FitBit set at). I walked/jogged in place from the moment I walked in the door, pausing only once for a pee break, and I met my goal WITH TWO MINUTES TO SPARE. You can ask Henry–he was sitting on the couch staring at his phone the entire time.

Ok. Trip’s officially over. Happy to be reunited with my insane, attention-deprived cats. Taking my contacts out now thank god. Peace out all-gendered scouts.

Nov 272021

Hi hello how goes it. We are in some Tennessee town outside of Chattanooga and we have on some incredible radio station that played JACKIE BLUE and then this INSTRUMENTAL song came on and I was in so much pain because I wanted to snap my fingers along to it so bad but I cannot snap my fingers, in case you didn’t know. I was born without the ability.

Anyway, I became instantly obsessed because it made me picture all my squirrel Buddys on the porch having a peanut party and I couldn’t stop laughing. But then I went to this band’s wiki page and it’s actually SAD because the song was actually an instrumental b-side to the a-side song which featured the lead singer Cliff Nobles’ vocals, but it was the INSTRUMENTAL that took off and became a huge hit, peaking at #2 on Billboard in like 1968 or some other old-ass year.

Cliff Nobles ended up working in construction after his music career ended which makes me sad because now he is dead and will never know that I have become obsessed with him and a song that he had no part in.

Also we ate breakfast at Donut King which I picked only because it has a cute logo BUT NO MERCH.

It was just ok but I wanted an egg & cheese on a biscuit on they were like NO BISCUIT, CROISSANT so I had it on a croissant instead and the whole time I ate it, I wondered why no one wants me to have a biscuit on this trip because at dinner in WV last night I also ordered an egg sandwich which was supposed to come on a biscuit but it came on TOAST instead.

Also they put like a THICK SHEATH of pepper in the middle of the eggs this morning and I was almost having an allergic reaction.

Now we’re on our way to Atlanta!

Nov 262021

Henry actually came home early today! So we are currently Atlanta area-ish bound.

I don’t feel like live blogging but here is what happened today so far. I woke up at 4:45am to the sounds of movement upstairs. I knew henry had already gone to work so this meant either HOME INTRUDERS and Chooch actually set an alarm and woke up early for Black Friday shenanigans.

Yep. It was Chooch. Can’t wake up on his own for school but that’s not a priority I guess. I texted him for shopping updates every so often not because I cared deeply but mostly was just vaguely curious what a gaggle of 15-year-old boys were accomplishing at the mall at 6am.

Apparently: Pop figures.

I laughed at first thinking how rich it was that Chooch had only bought a Pop figure, how he must realize how much less fun it is when you’re spending your own money.

But then he came home with a bag of them and oh, he spent like $200 on them. Great. Cool. Awesome.

I had the whole morning to myself and nothing to do. So I put on Pierce the Veil real loud and took some pictures of the new sweater I got from Sleepy Peach and then realized that I never took any photos of one of the shirts I got last year from Unlogical Poem so we did a wardrobe change (we: Drew and me. She was prowling around my room keeping me company, god bless her!).

Fun fact!! That coffee cup was the only thing I could afford when I was 18 and stupidly thinking I could furnish my first apartment from anything at my fave store PerLora. I also had a purple one which has mysteriously gone missing and I know one of those fucker bitches I live with broke it but won’t fess up.

My room is such a mess lol.

I like that this shirt has cool sleeves and the thingie that goes around your finger which has a name and now I can’t think of it (see also: not a fashionista or whatever). I used to cut thumbholes in long sleeved shirts and this is like a much fancier and less sloppy version of that look.

Here is another picture I took after I saw the other one and thought that maybe I should pick up some stuff from under the desk (read: kick it out of frame lol). This is actually one of my fave areas of the house, though I don’t sit over there very often if at all anymore since I don’t paint anymore. But that wall is full of photos that make me so happy and I love that swag lamp so much! The large painting to the left is from my grandparents house. <3

Henry has the GPS set to use Dexter’s voice and it’s fun for now but will get old soon.

Durrrrrrr d’durrrrrrrr.

I love the sleeve ruffles! Highly recommend both places for clothes: Sleepy Peach and Unlogical Poem.

I’ll leave you with a picture of Chooch, who only lasted 20 minutes before passing out in the backseat:

Nov 252021

G-Dragon and his turkey leg wish you all a happy Thanksgiving! Ours was very lowkey – I didn’t want Henry cooking lots of food because we’re going to be gone for a few days and didn’t want leftovers to go to waste, so chooch and I got premade veg meals from Zenith, and Henry had…hot sausage? I dunno. It was something in a bun. Which is actually an upgrade from the Saltines and peanut butter that I originally guessed he’d be eating today lol. Here are some pictures.

Lol Henry’s dish. (The potatoes he made himself were really good though.)

Chooch worked from 7-3 today (time and a half!) and was in a GREAT MOOD. He at least changed out of a hoodie and stopped watching Tiktok videos at the table.

The best part – Zenith’s vegan pumpkin bundt cake, yes boy.

Overall not the most memorable T-Day but I’m also not a big T-Day type of gal so overall I was just happy to have the time off work.

Oh! And I got Henry to do a Paul Eugene workout afterward and that makes three times this week! I think he actually enjoys Paul Eugene workouts??

Now I’m going to lay in bed unable to sleep because I’m stressed about going away this weekend. I always have the day after Thanksgiving off but Henry REFUSES TO REQUEST OFF which means we can’t hit the road until he comes home tomorrow’s. So now I’m at the mercy of his unpredictable job. 

And never forget 2019 when he HURT HIS BACK THAT DAY and almost RUINED OUR SILVER DOLLAR CITY WEEKEND!!

In other related news, I’m THANKFUL that Kpop girl group legends T-ARA recently had a comeback!

This song is so iconic and one of the first kpopX routines I did back in 2015 when I had no idea that Kpop was about to change my life:

Ok. EK out.

Nov 242021

Yo yo yo. I’m feeling bullet-y today. Let’s do this thing. I’ll even sweeten the pot with some CAT PICS.

  • My Squirrel-whispering (or, “whistling” as it were) ability is getting even more skilled. Over the weekend, one of my Buddies was in the neighbor’s yard (the one who hates squirrels!) so I whistled for him to come over to my porch. As he started flouncing his way over, another Buddy popped up from the backyard in between two of the neighbors’ houses and stood on his hind legs. I was like, “Ok you can come too” so he started to make his way over but then the first Buddy was like NO! and chased him away. Meanwhile, I was still whistling and ANOTHER BUDDY came running over from the across the street, stood up on the sidewalk and looked in my direction with his paw on his chest, as if to say, “Who, me?” In the end, I lured three over but only one fully took me up on my offer to be handfed walnuts. (Or, as the squirrels call them: wallnoots.) I’m practically that bitch with the gorillas now.
    • Squirrels in the Fog.
  • I was in a meeting recently where the buzzword du jour was “egregious” and it was actually making me cringe which was bad because it was a video meeting and also, I was struggling real hard not to continuously yawn.

  • Henry was getting really nervous around me the other night and I wasn’t even doing anything. He eventually blurted out, “What’s in your hand??” like I was palming an invisible grenade or something. “POWER,” I said as I punched him.
  • Chooch and I were on a nighttime stroll last week (I wanted to drop off a library book and didn’t want to walk alone lol) when we were accosted by a super friendly cat that we have seen here and there around the ‘hood recently. Super docile and definitely doesn’t look malnourished so I assume this an outdoor cat that also has a home? I HOPE?? Chooch scrolled through some local LOST PET facebook group that he belongs to and didn’t see anything listed for this cat, but it wouldn’t stop following us. I didn’t want to lure it all the way to busy Brookline Boulevard so I had Chooch stay with the cat while I went to the library drop-off box on my own which completely defeated the purpose of my dragging Chooch out of the house in the first place, YES I KNOW MARY. When I came back, Chooch had already started to retreat back to our house but the cat was still happily jogging alongside him. We figured at the very least, if he came back to our house we could put some food out for him. We had just made it to our block when suddenly (KAPCHUGI!) the cat decided to CLIMB A TREE FOR NO REASON. And or course it was a tree along the side of the road too so we didn’t want to just leave him there. “WILL WE HAVE TO CALL THE FIREMEN??” I cried and just then, out of the darkness, a very modern day Spiccolli rolled up on one of those dumb electric city scooters that are strewn all over Brookline and so annoying. “You guys need some help there?” he asked and we were like, “OH YES MISTER PLZ” so he was able to coax the cat out of the tree and I was so smug because we had previously called Henry to come assist us since it was on our block and IGNORED MY CALL but now a STRANGE MAN was playing the hero role, so that’ll show him. Anyway, as soon as he got the cat out of the tree, the cat immediately ran into the road and almost got hit by a car but luckily the car was driving slow probably trying to figure out what this trio of hooligans was doing cavorting on the curb. The scooter Samaritan was able to shepherd the cat down a quiet side street. That’s all. That’s the whole story. Just another chapter in the book of Chooch & Erin: Animal Rescuers.

  • One night last week, around 10PM, some strange number showed up on my phone. I blindly answered it, thinking it was going to be some fun, automated spam shit but instead, someone was saying, “Hello, Kelly?” I almost said NO WRONG NUMBER but then I realized – was this is a WORK CALL? The only time I’m ever called KELLY is at work from people outside the department (and sometimes INSIDE, too ugh), so I hesitantly said, “This is Erin Kelly…” and then the person was blurting out questions about a file opening and I was like OMG THIS IS A CALL FROM OUR HONG KONG OFFICE WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. I was so caught off guard and knew there was no way I could say, “Hello it is 10PM here in Pittsburgh, I will handle this tomorrow morning” and also because I am a push-over when it comes to our Asian offices so I then proceeded to LOG ON and Henry was like WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY ARE TALKING EVEN MORE AWKWARDLY THAN USUAL and I’m frantically motioning for him to turn down the TV but he’s an idiot so I had to go back into the living room and do it myself while saying platitudes like, “Gee everything is running so slow” and “just one more moment” when I’m not even at the computer. It was a hot mess express. I will never not remember to un-forward my work calls from my cell phone ever again after that.

  • ^^^The look Drew gave me when I said, “Do you want to invite Buddy into your house and share your toys with him?”


  • Chooch is suddenly into Pokemon cards again and I honestly could not be more annoyed. There’s some dumb comic book shop on the blvd that is doing some dumb promotion where if you download some nerd app and go to their store you can get a free pack of Pokemon cards and Chooch keeps wanting us to do this for him while he is at work and we absolutely will not because obviously we don’t love our son. But he was off last night and asked me to walk there with him because HE IS SCARED OF THE DARK and afterward, as we were walking down the sidewalk along the blvd, we ran into Chooch’s former piano teacher who moved back to Pittsburgh last spring/summer and is actually living in our ‘hood! It was so good to see her, but I think I also scared her too because for some reason, when I said her name, instead of coming off as friendly with a questioning lilt (“Cheryl?”), I for some reason bark-shouted it like she was wanted for a crime and I was the beat cop who tracked her down (“CHERYL!“) I mean, I might as well have just yelled, “HEY, YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE!”

  • I watched Love Hard one day last week and surprisingly really enjoyed it even though it was totally predictable and basically a tale as old as time, but I thought Nina Dobrev and Jimmy Yang were FUCKING ADORABLE together and it was actually funny too. I think it was kind of what I needed without realizing it was what I needed??
  • LOL I have some YouTube video about Gilmore Girls playing in the background and the narrator just said “egregious” because I guess I’m being haunted by office vocab now.

  • Instead of saying that I was crying, Chooch said that I “got cried” the other night and then Henry couldn’t remember the word for “lies” and called them “not trues” instead and all of this is in addition to my everyday brand of Typo’splosions and Grammar Fuckery; I honestly think that it’s from all the spray-painting Henry does in the basement. Our minds are atrophying. We’re like, half-high all of the time.

On that note, I’m going to peace out! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! Then we’re going to Six Flags Over Georgia and hopefully I get to ride the RMC that’s there! But it’s Six Flags so I’m not getting my hopes up!


Nov 232021

Remember how last year when I picked the paint palette for the dining room, it accidentally ended up being the same colors as a classic box of Popsicles? Well, I thought it would be cute to have one section of one wall decorated with popsicle art. I bought a popsicle neon sign. I stole from Chooch’s room a popsicle illustration I bought him when he was a baby. I put on display the stick from the “Designer” popsicle Chooch ate at the Gentle Monster / Fendi pop-up we went to in Gangnam. And then I couldn’t find anything else that appealed to me!

So I thought, “HMM I WONDER IF THERE ARE PICTURES OF G-DRAGON EATING A POPSICLE.” I know  that there are pictures of him enjoying a Baskin Robbins ice cream cone because that one has previously come in handy.

LO AND BEHOLD. I found one! So then naturally I knew that I needed to stock up on Korean popsicles in order to use the wrappers as a textured, collaged background. This project kept getting moved to the back burner but last night, with Henry’s help, it was completed!

You can’t really tell from the pictures, but we printed G-Dragon out on cardstock, sprayed and coated him a ton of times to make him all glossy and sparkly because it’s what he deserves. Then Henry glued him to chipboard and cut him out so he has a very 3-dimensional feel.

Yeah boi, I’m really happy with this!

Chooch is doing some mentorship thing at the Carnegie Science Center where he’s learning how to use various computer programs and 3D printers and I desperately want him to make a popsicle-shaped light switch cover for this wall too because that green one ain’t it, Timothy.

Nov 212021

I bought my very first ever monstera plant last January, with very little confidence or faith that I wouldn’t let it wither away into a brown crisp. I’m so hit or miss with houseplants and have killed an embarrassing about of cacti even. (Succulents and cacti are actually NOT THAT EASY TO MAINTAIN for most of us people, honestly!)

Also, quick back story: Henry kept calling it a Monsta X plant because there is an awesome Kpop group by that name. So then I officially dubbed him Wonho after our joint-bias in that group (even though he is no longer in Monsta X and is currently living his best damn life as a solo artist!

Observe: Wonho last January on the day we saved him from dumb Lowe’s.

And here he is last week, November 2021. What a beast!!

You can see that he is soaring over the buffet now.

He is so lush and has strong big boi energy.

I do talk to him every day (along with the cats, squirrels, my other personalities, the computer screen and basically any inanimate object I encounter throughout my sad and lonely work-from-home days) and I guess what they say is true re:talking to plants etc.

Wonho actually lives in a corner with several other large houseplants and that space looks like a mini rain forest, and that makes me feel calm. I never would have thought I’d be a plant bitch yet here we are: first came succulents and now this.

Hey, let’s check in juman Wonho!

How it started (as a rookie in 2015).

And um…how it’s going. *fans self*

Whenever I exclaim, “holy SHIT Wonho is getting so BIG,” Henry always asks, “Which one?” Because truly it could be either.

Ok um on that note 잘 자요!

Nov 202021

We’re having a pretty A-OK Saturday. I lost my temper momentarily because NONE OF THE MALES in my house had taken out the garbage and that is the only reason why I KEEP MALES IN THE HOUSE in the first place. But other than that, today has been merry. A real pocketful of posies. Etc.

  • Picked up three books at the library!
  • Started to read In My Dreams I Hold a Knife and was worried because my track record with dark academia is bleak but this seems good so far!

You may remember that many years ago, I wrote some dumb blog review about that place and one of the bakers saw it and printed it out for the owner, THE SUGAR FAIRY, to read and I found out because SAID BAKER left a comment telling me that owner loved it and I was like OMG IM DEAD but then the next time Henry went there to get cupcakes, that baker came out from the back and said OMG ARE YOU HENRY because she recognized him from my blog so then it became this funny Ha Ha thing where Henry was the face of Oh Honestly Erin etc etc. but honestly, these cupcakes are just…they’re the limit.

Here’s my old post about them from 2009. I haven’t even glanced at it since then so god only knows how atrocious and vulgar it is:

When Cupcakes Surpass Expectations: A Positive Review

OK well we reference a circle jerk in the second line, so that really sets the stage.

Anyway, VPS moved to a new location several years ago and then eventually closed when the Sugar Fairy took a job as a pastry chef at a restaurant downtown. Yeah I know I could have just gone there but it’s not the same. It’s just not. Talk to the hand, etc.

Then last week one of my pals posted in their Instagram stories that VPS was reopening in their OG location?? I went and looked and sure enough, it was a real thing and not something I misread with hopeful cupcake eyes. The soft opening was today at noon. Did henry and I get there 30 minutes early in anticipation of a line? You bet your sweet buttercreamed ass we did.

No one was there yet! So we territorially sprayed our spot at the door while we had a chance. Then some guy came out and said that he was actually first. “I even brought a chair,” he said, pointing through the window at his portable concert chair thingie. Turns out he’s like BFFs with the Sugar Fairy!

Anyway, he was a real treat to talk to, and then another guy strode up and got in line with us and he was really cool too! It was the best line I’ve stood in in quite some time. Cupcakes will do that.

They let us come in about 15 minutes early! There was a decent line that had started to snake out from the door (I WAS SECOND BEHIND BFF) so I was glad that we did get there early.

We got one of each and then told the guy to just continue plopping the ‘cakes in until the dozen box was filled. I was about to spend too much time thinking about what I wanted because it’s been over 5 years since one of the delicate frosted orbs from above melted on my tongue and I wanted them all.

Oh would you look at this smoll boi with the big sugared hair? Look how the cupcake portion is GLISTENING. Look at the specks of legit vanilla bean in that frosting beehive. I am heavy-breathing so hard right now. Thank god no one is currently home. (Chooch is at work as usual ugh and Henry is at one of his favorite stores: JOANN.)

Wow what a happy moment, tonguing a Vanilla Pastry Studio buttercream mound again. Shit son. These cake-muffins are just the best around. Go there. You won’t regret it. (Well. Maybe until you step on the scale. What? I’m a big numbers person, I can’t help it! MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND MY MORNING WEIGH-IN I CANT BEEAK THE CHAINS, I AM BOUND TO THE SCALE, ITS MH ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.)

We didn’t eat them all! Henry and I split the four in the above picture, so we each had two cupcakes and then felt the SUGAR DOWNS quickly after. But never fear! We took a drive out to Keystone State Park to walk it off. Whew.

“Take a picture of me with the lake behind me.”

“Give me your hat. Now take a picture of me with those things.  No, those things. No, THOSE THINGS. Whatever those things are.”

(Cattails? No. I don’t know what to call these things.)

Also!!! See that box thingie in the tree? That was the thing that started my infamous giggle fit the last time we were here! When I was trying to remember the name of the place I wanted to go today, I kept saying, “You know, that one place where I laughed a lot. No, the one where I laughed like A LOT and you and Chooch were annoyed and didn’t think it was funny. Where I almost peed my pants. I don’t know, it was because of vampires or something and I was laughing.”

And then Henry was like, “Oh. I know where you mean.” Lol.

Keystone Kackling.

“Take a picture of me looking like a stüp*.”

*(What I called stupid people.)

“Take a picture of me holding my jacket open like this.”

I do love this jacket. I got it at Target! It’s Wild Fable or whatever their strange 90s fashion reboot line is called. I’m going to be very sad when it gets too cold to wear this but hopefully I’ll be able to get away with wearing it in Georgia next weekend.

“No wait, I wasn’t doing my PEEING DOG pose yet.”

“Ok, now I’m in prime canine PISSition. I’m ready. Take the picture. Henry are you taking the picture?”

“Wait let me do my SIGNATURE windmill pose now. Do I look cool? As cool as the Dutch ones?”

Henry just diligently snaps away while mumbling, “Sure but you will find something wrong with all of these as usual.”

Fake engagement photo. Ugh.


“Take a picture of me looking scared behind a tree.”

“Take a picture of me pretending like it’s my school picture. EW WHY DO I LOOK SLEAZY??”

“Because you WERE sleazy in high school,” Henry said.


Here are canoes.

Henry and I both had to pee after that and I offered suggestions on how we could both pee in the same toilet in the park restroom at the same time and he wouldn’t entertain my ideas because: “I feel like that would burn.”

OK well now I am going to finish my cup of coffee and read some more of my book before it’s time for FAMILY KPOP KARDIO NIGHT. (Chooch doesn’t know this is happening and will likely start a fight in order to get out of it so we’ll see. Check back later for the shocking conclusion, I guess.)

Nov 192021

Hi bros and scarecrows, today’s story is about how I thought that SCHOOL PICTURE DAY was ruined.

Let’s back-up to October.

I was relaxin’ and maxxin’ all cool, as one do, when it occurred to me that it was pretty late into the month and shouldn’t school picture day be happening here soon?

In Modern Times, students aren’t sent home with important information anymore. Everything is emailed. And I don’t know about other schools, but Chooch’s school uses an independent local photography and not some SCHOOL PHOTO conglomerate, so we don’t get order forms. You basically just pay for the photo release and then you can do whatever the hell you want with the picture. Which is fine by me because we usually only ever want copy to frame but we’re always forced into purchasing a package.

Anyway, that being said, I am kind of sucky at reading those emails. But since it was at the forefront of my mind, I went into my email and searched “school picture day” and thank you, technology, the school email popped right up….and told me that I missed school picture day.

I WAS IRATE. Yes, this my fault, mostly, but the fact that HE DID NOT EVEN MENTION IT TO ME really had my blood sizzling.

So then this angry text was sent:

^*^)*&)*&)*$$@#$#^$()!!!!! The audacity!

But yeah, Responsible Parent Henry chimed in and was like THERE IS A MAKE-UP DAY. HE CAN GET IT REDONE. DON’T KILL EACH OTHER.

Oh that’s cool, he even went through with getting his picture taken on the actual photo day and then didn’t even feel the need to tell me about it all, wow. Like, “How was school?” “Oh, it was chill. I wore a tattered hoodie in my school picture. Oh yeah, it was school picture day.”

I was a nervous wreck the day of MAKEUP PICTURES because what if it was only for kids who didn’t already get their picture taken on the regular day? I was prepared to drive to the school if I had to. Or take my own photo and force them to use it in the yearbook.  I still sent him to school in a nice shirt, over which he pulled down a hoodie immediately.

Anyway, long story barely shortened, he told me that he had fully intended to NOT get a retake but then he happened to be walking down the hall as retakes were happening, walked right on past the photo area, stopped and sighed, and then turned around and asked if he could get one.


I was able to avoid the dreaded Hoodie School Pic, but we still gotta do something about his swoopy hair, OMG.

But yeah, this is the story of the 10th grade photo that was almost ruined but then wasn’t because I’m a spoiled parent who always gets her way.

Nov 172021

It’s weird not having a legit anniversary date but also cool because yay anniversary SEASON. 20 years is a weird number. How has it been that long while feeling like forever and also yesterday? I was skulking around through my flickr archives (I mean, that’s the natural progression after stalking your own LiveJournal for a solid 3 days) and found some interesting old photos of Henry and me. Sadly, there aren’t a lot because I was waaaay worse then about having my picture taken and even though I have flinched forcefully at the jarring nature of Younger Erin’s….bloated visage (I drank a lot of Smirnoff Ice back then, ok? I was a different person, leave me ALONE), I still wish I had been able to get over myself and just let the photographic memories happen.

This was from 2004, I think. I also think that someone on LiveJournal was like, “It is my dying wish to see you and Henry in such-and-such pose” and I did it because back then I would do anything for the COMMENTS OH THE COMMENTS they literally ruled my life. This was also the start of my downward spiral because I was about 6 months into unemployment after walking out of WEISS MEATS and later filing a complaint with the EEOC and having to go through a mediation process and that was so awful, the whole experience, that it gave me PTSD to some degree without me even realizing it but I literally acquired a nervous stutter (which I couldn’t shake for years) and am still what I consider to be a shell, personality-wise, of who I used to be before that. But Henry stuck with me, even though he was still working at the same place and enduring A LOT OF ABUSIVE PROJECTION from the owners.

Also, I still have that hoodie – it’s from Coachella 2004 but Chooch has claimed it and wears it to school even though he wasn’t even born yet.

Um, this was our first Christmas picnic at the cemetery. I was like 6 months pregnant and looked like I was carrying twins to term. This was in 2005 and we STILL DO THIS! IT IS STILL OUR TRADITION ALL THESE YEARS LATER!

This was our first Christmas as CHOOCH’S PARENTS, 2006.

Henry miserable at a Chiodos show in 2008 lol.

Me, forever scowling at Henry, circa Easter 2007 where I was a year post-child birth and still lookin’ el preg.

Easter 2003 (see also: Corey’s Polaroid phase), an early SCOWL SHOT.

We decided to try and recreate this picture tonight and it was….a real time. A real time.

My scowl was actually real because Chooch wouldn’t help us and Henry was being dumb. Also, it’s annoying that he still has that XFest shirt, lol. That was from our first full summer together I think!? When I made Henry drive me to WISCONSIN for a hard rock festival so I could see my favorite band COLD and then we fought the whole way home because he wouldn’t take me to WISCONSIN DELLS and you better believe he will be taking me there maybe next summer because there are ROLLER COASTERS there that I am desperate to stuff my ass into.

Well, on that note, I have a bunch of nervous adrenaline coursing through my body so I think I need to take myself for a walk. Ciao for now, brown cow.

Nov 152021

Maybe he can treat himself to a haircut lol. Sike, I’d GLADLY PAY FOR THAT SWOOP TO GET SHEARED. 

I was split 50/50 when Chooch ended up getting a job last month. Part of me thought he’s last a few days and then realize that labor is not for him. The other part of me thought the money-motivated side of his personality would kick in and he’d be researching McD franchise opportunities.

Well, I think it’s safe to say at this point that he is obsessed with making money and takes his job seriously. Especially after he got his first paycheck (pictured)! But that ignited a lengthy Extreme Paint Drying-style conversation between him and Henry, because bro had QUESTIONS.

Don’t we all!

His main concern was the fact that he worked three weeks at that point but only received a check for two weeks. We tried a hundred different ways to explain this to him. Henry was about ready to bust out the whiteboard while I was hovering above my body, willing myself to float away into the ether.

I thought henry had him all squared away but the next day, he took the T to McDonald’s after school, on his day off, to “confront” the managers about ripping him off.

Oh my god.

Anyway, I think he understands it now.

I hope.

It’s hilarious because before he got a job, his well-laid plans consisted of taking $20 from each paycheck and putting the rest into savings. Thennnnnn he got his first paycheck, lol. To be fair though, we got him some parental-controlled credit card so we can limit how much he’s spending, and also Henry has it set up so that all of his purchases are rounded up and the difference goes into savings. He hasn’t figured out yet that this is happening, lol.

In last week’s episode of “My 15-year-old Has a Job,” (my new favorite show!) a Chipotle burrito is suddenly OMG so expensive now that he’s using his own money. But…then he went to Rite Aid and bought two bags of balloons just because he could. So…

Whenever he’s working the drive-thru, he likes to text me and tell me, “I’m on drive thru. Come. Now.” And like, no. For so many reasons, no! None of us eat anything at McDonald’s for once, so anytime we go visit him, Henry usually gets stuck ordering an iced coffee (I can’t even do that because THEY HAVE NO DAIRY ALTERNATIVES, get with the times MCD’S!!!). And also, he wants us to jump and run over there the moment he texts! But then when we do, he’s acts all annoyed that we’re there! I mean, it couldn’t have anything to do with the act that the last time, I leaned across Henry and screamed, “IS THE MCRIB BACK!?!?!?!?!?!” into the speaker because they have like a million signs up for it. Chooch sighed with the pent up exasperation of 100 Bob Belchers.

After he came home that night, I excitedly asked him, “WASN’T THAT FUNNY WHEN I ASKED YOU ABOUT THE MCRIB??” He didn’t answer me, so I yelled, “WAIT DID YOU EVEN HEAR ME ASK THAT??” and he muttered, “Yes. EVERYONE heard you ask that because WE ALL WEARING HEADSETS.”

Yesss! And apparently one of the supervisors asked, “Do you know them or something?” because of the way Chooch turned from Working Chooch to Awkward FML Chooch.


The other day, he came home and said, “I’m thinking about working on Thanksgiving. It’s time and a half!”

And then he asked sincerely, “What is time and a half?”

He reminds me of someone and I can’t place it—-OH THAT’S RIGHT, ME. Lol! I am such a dunce with work stuff. Like, the other day I said to Carrie, “You know, exempt or non-exempt. Whichever one we are. I can never remember” and she very patiently told me. (OMG I forgot it again though. I’ll ask Henry when he comes home from The Store.)


Nov 132021

Ever since I deep-dove into the LJ archives last week, I’ve been feeling some type of way. I guess also because we’re in the throes of our 20th year together so the emotions have been REAL.

One of the posts I read was from our first or second year together where we went to this family restaurant out in Perryopolis (whatever that means) called RANDALL’S and I made a point to ask for separate checks but when I went to pay, they didn’t accept credit cards so Henry ended up having to pay for me anyway. I thought it was interesting because he was definitely living with me at that point but apparently we still paid separately when eating out??

It’s hard to even imagine.

So since Henry is done with his BIG CHORE (aka THE SIGN), I suggested that we revisit Randall’s today for lunch while WORKING CHOOCH was WORKING. Kind of like a date??!!

Plus I just really kind of wanted a grilled cheese, you know?

First of all, henry got cole slaw and I was excited because it’s been a hot minute since I got to take a HENRY EATS COLE SLAW action shot. I truly apologize for the delay.

But guys. That cole slaw. It was THICK. Literally had SKIN on it. Clearly it was proportioned and chilling in a fridge all day but still – stir that shit! I mean it was ok, not the worst I’ve had (yes I always stew a forkful or five from Henry’s ‘slaw) but DANG that consistency was jarring.

My grilled cheese was you know, basic. This ain’t Melt, yanno.

Meanwhile henry was making dumb observations like “are these booths new?” Bro I don’t fucking know! I literally can’t even remember the last time we ate at Randall’s! It was basically like being there for the first time, at that point.

The first time I was ever there was in high school (senior year or possibly the summer after?) with Janna. Why the fuck we were in perryopolis is beyond me but I remember this was back when I was obsessed with .38 Special and Janna either had a car phone (?????) or a cell phone (????) because I remember calling the classic rock radio station afterward to request “Caught Up In You” and the DJ answered and asked me where I was calling from and I said “a parking lot” because duh, that’s where we were?? And he was like BUT WHERE IS THE PARKING LOT and I yelled I DUNNO PERRYOPOLIS??! and then he played my song after making some exasperated comment about me on air and it was also raining REALLY HARD I think? Janna if you’re reading this, feel free to weigh in but if you say “This never happened, you’re dreaming” a la my mom, I will fucking cry probably.

Yeah so that was a story. You’re welcome.

Our lunch was nothing to write home about, she said in the full-ass blog post she’s writing about it. Even still, when our waitress (who was great btw, service was fine!) asked if we saved room for dessert i barely gave her a chance to hang the question mark at the end of the sentence before blurting out YES WHAT KIND OF PIE DO YOU HAVE.

A LOT, evidently. She made a point of specifying that the two different kinds of apple pie had REAL APPLES (in Korean the word for apple also means apology) NOT THE CANNED STUFF and my gut was singing a “get the Dutch apple” jingle but NO I ordered a slice of coconut cream and told Henry we would share.

Coconut cream is one of my faves BUT I am very picky with it. I hate hate hate meringue (most of the time) and definitely prefer when it’s capped with a whipped cream topping instead. Don’t boo me, meringue lovers! Sometimes meringue can actually be good and refreshing and I will gladly slurp it down. But I find that is not often the case in restaurant meringues.

Bro. I knew as soon as I spotted the waitress with the coconut creame’d plate from across the room that it was going to be bad.

And it was. Not just the meringue. But the actual coconut custard was made with the same carelessness as the coleslaw! It was soooooo gelatinous and even Henry hated it. He pointed out that it tasted like chemicals. I had two small bites and pushed it over to his side and even he couldn’t finish it.

Dang, Randall’s. Put some effort into that shit! I cannot remember the last time we left a restaurant with an unpolished dessert plate.

Since we were in the vicinity I suggested popping over to the nearby Quaker cemetery because it’s been a while since we were last there. Henry was secretly scared because it’s haunted and tried to say that it was gated now because of vandalism but when we got there, the gate was open. Too bad so sad, Henry.

Quakering in my not-boots!

I swear it was way windier in the cemetery than it was anywhere else but henry will probably just rationalize it by saying WE WERE ON A HILL or whatever.

Sadly, no spirits that I can see but something inside the Church kept banging and Henry was like THAT IS FROM THE WIND but no, it was FROM DEMONS I am sure of it.

Then Professional Driver got lost somehow and blamed my phone because he hates Apple. Mm, cook on. That was fine though because it gave us more time to listen to NCT127 (this latest comeback has me dead) and then fall down a rabbit hole of NINETIES R&B THAT MADE TEENAGE ERIN WANT TO HANG HERSELF. It was a good afternoon. Really. It was.

If you’re thinking “boy I thoroughly enjoyed reading this drivel and could really go for round two,” here’s a post about a time we were at this cemetery when Chooch was but a wee one.