Penelope Ann Killer, a/k/a Peen Lop, Jon Benet, Penis.

Talent: expert subtitle blocker.

Drew “Nightmare” Walden, a/k/a Chooch’s Dumb Cat, Drewbaru, Drew Beringer.

Talent: looking dopey and surprised, constantly.

We’ve had these furry little jerks for over a year now! Penelope lets me cuddle with her but NOT DREW and that pisses me off.

Chooch said it’s because she hates me but Marcy more than hated me and even she let me cuddle with her occasionally.

I think Drew is just defective.

Anyway, remember how we told Chooch that we were taking him to his new foster home when we were really taking him to someone’s house to pick out a kitten(s)? God, that was so much fun. I think being a parent really suits me. At least the psychological warfare part of it, anyway.

Meow meow.

TOP from BIGBANG has officially enlisted in the Korean military, and then Taeyang posted this fan art on Instagram and Chooch and I literally cried. 

Real tears – you can ask Henry. Here, I’ll do it for you. 

Me: Henry what did me and Chooch do when TOP enlisted in the Korean military?

Henry: Is this a test? Cry?

PASS. 

Liking Kpop is the worst thing ever because groups disband constantly and super early in their careers, and then the boy groups all eventually have to enlist and in BIGBANG’s case, TOP is the first, and then supposedly G-Dragon and Taeyang will go later this year, and then Daesung and Seungri in 2018 (although some things I read said 2019 for Seungri). So it could be like 5 years until they’re all out and together again and who knows if they will continue as BIGBANG? I might never ever ever get to see them live and that makes my heart feel like its bloated with poisoned pond water. BIGBANG has been my security blanket these last several months, like from morning until I come home from work it’s all Misery Business, and then once I’m home it’s all LETS WATCH ANOTHER BIGBANG VIDEO/BIGBANG APPEARANCE ON A VARIETY SHOW/BIGBANG LIVE PERFORMANCE and I feel so happy and safe. 

Let me put this in perspective: I get notifications that Emarosa posted something on Instagram and I’m like, “oh. It’s just Emarosa.” It’s like BIGBANG has pushed every other band out of my heart — there is no room for anyone else to swim in the poison pond water! 

G-dragon was there with TOP when he got his military haircut yesterday and posted this picture, breaking a million+ hearts. 

Chooch wanted me to sign off with Last Dance, which will end up being the last song they ever made if they don’t continue as BIGBANG after all this dumb military stuff, ugh. </3 I need to find a support group. 

And my choice for the sign off of this depressing blog post is the equally depressing video for Haru Haru, which will actually make my eyes well up just by thinking about it. Also, I love young BIGBANG!

The balloons we got for the baby shower two weeks ago are still lingering. I guess Henry paid like, a whole dollar extra for some sort of helium steroids. I don’t know. But there are numerous survivors, clinging on to their last high-pitched super helium breath.

It’s to the point where I’ve grown accustomed to having them in the house, like unpredictably relocating pieces of home decor.

Drew’s still not a fan though.

So I decided that now I need to always have balloons in the house. The current ones are almost all sunk so maybe this weekend I’ll go get more. WHAT COLORS THOUGH?!!

But then Henry snapped, “These fucking balloons have got to go!!” and started popping them right in front of me. What a brute!! TT.TT

I guess he forgot when I woke him up in the middle of the night last week to tell him that we need to always have balloons in the house and he said OK.

Thank god it’s Throwback Thursday, because I’ve got nothing. Here’s a story about a time Chooch and I went geocaching together. It was a year ago. I don’t even have the energy to Throwback Thursday further than a year. Screaming in the woods sounds good right about now, but it’s cold and dark outside so instead I’m just going to dance to the Wonder Girls. #life
******
Chooch and I went geocaching last weekend and we are now, together, co-blogging about it. I’m not writing this with my hyperbolic plume either. This experience was particularly blood-boiling, and I have an extremely low boiling point to begin with.

Short-fused.

Tightly-wound.

Hot-headed.

I’m all of these things.

Hey its yo boy Chooch, I’m gonna tell you a little things about Geocaching. K, First things first, I learned about Geocaching in school in a book. Geocaching is basically a High-Tech Treasure Hunt Game where you get the app or go on a computer and look for a Gray, Blue, Orange, Light Green, or Dark Green dot and you click on it. It will tell you what the coords are and you just go look for it.

Erin here: I thought he learned about it from YouTube, so I am currently pleasantly surprised.

So I thought there wasn’t much to do, I thought me and mommy could go Geocaching. Daddy didn’t think it would go well, but I did. He said we would kill each other cause’ we’re so competitive. So we went on a Saturday and went to South Park. Because usually there is a lot of Geocaches in the park. As soon as we got there mommy flipped out. Two minutes in she just wanted to go home. I was in the wrong area the whole time.

Erin here: Geocaching with Chooch is terrible because he thinks he knows but HE DOES NOT KNOW. He took us to some area that had an older man like, DIGGING something or someone in the woods and we had to walk near him. That was incredibly unpleasant. Chooch was putzing around with the app and I kept screaming, “AREN’T THERE COORDINATES?! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE TO LOOK?!?!” and we were literally just standing there, walking in tiny circles, staring at the ground and toeing rocks. Chooch isn’t wrong — two minutes in, I completely flipped my lid and screamed (and I mean BELLOWED), “This is fucking ridiculous! I am going THE FUCK HOME!” Volaries of birds burst out of a nearby tree. The man with the shovel was like “…the fuck is that lady’s problem?” and according to Chooch, everybody hated me when this happened.

“Everybody.”

We were in the fucking park in January! There were not many people around!

Except for a biker who said hello to me RIGHT AFTER MY OUTBURST and because I’m a fucking psychopath, I switched on Sweet Erin and jovially bid him a fine afternoon in the fakest fucking baby voice I could muster.

OH, SUCH DEMURE.

Back to Unicorn Chooch: After looking for like… 7 mins or so I was just looking through rocks, and I saw some weird looking rock. I felt the bottom and it was flat. I turned it over and it was a sliding rock cache. I found the cache. We put some inappropriate mommy cards* in there. I mean like the cards she makes. I was so happy. But… I forgot to bring a pen to sign it. So I made mummy go check the car for a pen.

No luck.

Me again: When I went to the car, some dumb elderly couple cheerfully said hello to me, as they were getting their idiot bikes out of their minivan. I said, “HI-YEEEEE!” in return and they kind of stepped back a little because I guess I sounded like I was being an asshole. BECAUSE I WAS.

*And he’s talking about my Totally Awesome Blog Cards, thanks!

I just put a card in and went on the app and said I found it. I wrote “Took forever I thought me and my mom would kill each other! My god”

So then mommy wanted to go home but I told her there’s one 0.3 miles away. We walked down a muddy trail next to a golf course.

There was a tree tipped over so it was like a tunnel. I wasn’t going off trail I was totes on trail. We got to some torn down outhouse because I thought it was right there but nope. Farther down by a log. I was getting stabbed in the leg by tons of thorns almost dying. Then I tried to climb over a log but fell. I could’ve died. Mummy couldn’t see because she was in some crack. Lol sounds weird.

Me, with anguish: Hello, it was a GORGE and I was trapped in it, OK?

Erin’s turn: Chooch had us going totally off-trail and it was getting late in the afternoon. I felt like I was on some Blair Witch expedition and bitch, I wasn’t dying for no fucking Tupperware container in the woods.

And then we get to these decrepit outhouse ruins and I thought for sure we were going to perish. I kept having future visions of tumbling into that hole and getting dragged down into Hell. Because that would be my luck.

So Henry and I used to occasionally go letterboxing back in the day, which was like the pioneer version of geocaching in that it didn’t give you GPS coordinates and you had to rely on good old-fashioned directions to find your booty. Like, turn right by the crushed Michelobe Lite can. The problem with this though is that most of the time, that fucking beer can wasn’t there anymore, you know? However, with this particular cache we were looking for, it said that it was near “an old source of water.” For some reason, Chooch felt that this meant “look for an ancient outhouse and try not to get murdered.”

Spoiler alert: it was not anywhere near the outhouse. Chooch fucking left me there and started scaling some mountain to get back to the trail that we had long-since abandoned and here’s something to add to the Erin Fact Book: I tend to get crippled with fear anytime I’m faced with walking down a steep hill. So it took a good five minutes of me standing millions of yards away from Chooch, screaming, “I CAN’T DO IT! I’M SCARED! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME!?” before I finally ran at full speed down the hill and then let momentum carry me up the other side of the “crack” as Chooch effectively called it.

I was rewarded by finding the stupid cache literally as soon as I joined Chooch on the other side. I stubbornly spat, “The clue said that it’s by an old source of water and I don’t see AN OLD SOURCE OF WATER” and then a split second later, I said, “Oh, right there” and pointed to a rusty water pump a few feet away.

And let me tell you, all of my homicidal rage completely evaporated and I was suddenly a completely different broad, jumping up and down and screaming, “Yay geocaching!”

So Chooch, back from playing GTA-V: We opened up the cache and put a card in. I took tw bouncy balls and a picture of a cat. I replaced it with the card.

We saw there was a bridge on the way back to the car we completely missed. I walked up really easily but on the way back down mommy cried for help and I was so disappointed in her. I thought she could do it until I told just to jump and she whined even more. Eventually like 24hours later she jumped.

Erin, Terrified of Heights: I WAS HIGH UP THERE, OK!? And I didn’t jump down. I cautiously and slowly scooted down. Anyway, it’s amazing how much my attitude changed after winning at geocaching. I practically skipped the whole way back to the car with a crown of blue birds swirling around my dome. Also, I was completely shocked at how calm and patient Chooch was during our trying times. He never gave up! So there’s one quality he didn’t get from me: the endurance of a champion quitter.

Bootiful horse ass! So cute with the tail and riders! I was like neigh and they were like moo! Then I just started singing The Killers.

That was a fun day maybe we can do it again!

Me: Probably not. Except for right now, since this was how I got Chooch to write on here. Fuck.

When I was walking around downtown on my lunch break today, some guy came up to me with his hand held up and enthusiastically said, “Good job today!” I instinctively went in with my open palm for a high five, all awkwardly and spontaneously choreographed. In less than a second, he totally turned my day around and with an avuncular smile, made me believe that I REALLY DID A GOOD JOB TODAY. 

I mean, after I determined that it hadn’t been a ruse to pick-pocket me. What a nice gesture, though! And I don’t even think he was challenged in any way — just a normal guy trying to be a light through the darkness. We need more of that in this world. 

So, to pass along that sentiment, to anyone who’s reading this: GOOD JOB TODAY. 

And, to counteract all the gloomy gray and….Cheetos orange we’ve been subjected to, here is a video full of ALL THE COLORS. RAINBOW THERAPY. 

These pictures are giving me life right now. These two are experts at dealing with my manic obsessions and emo crying fits.  <3

I woke up Monday morning, started crying, and have cried every day since. Call it winter blues, the state of the nation, bi-polar downswing, Bigbang enlisting in the military…but shit’s been no fucking fun this week. Wendy came over to my desk on Thursday to say hi because we hadn’t seen each other all week, and my eyes promptly started squirting tears. She was like “……………” and then took me to lunch yesterday to talk.

It’s been so bad that I skipped a Mogwai concert on Wednesday. It’s dire straits when I skip a show because I’m that sad. 

This happens. It’s life. After suffering through depression/mental fuckarows for most of my life, I eventually got to the point where I’m OK with telling people, “I AM HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS, PLEASE HELP ME.” I never used to ask for help before. But I do now, and I’m lucky that I have Henry and a slew of supportive friends who seamlessly swoop in and pick me up. Another thing I do is go for a walk and recite in my head all of the things worth living for.

Bipolar 101. It seems so basic, yet it’s so easy to skip over the fundamentals and go right for fetal position despondency! And for as inherently emo as I am, I DON’T WANT THAT. And no one who has to be AROUND me wants that, haha.

Wow, thanks for letting me get that shit off my dumb chest, Internet. Now here’s some things have been cheering me up lately.

1. Little things to laugh about at work, which has been otherwise intolerable. For instance, yesterday #ughLou couldn’t stop sneezing and we were all collectively like UGH LOU. Finally, Ethan said very calmly, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were dead, you wouldn’t sneeze anymore.” I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at work. Nothing like a low-key death threat to lighten the mood!
2. Watching Running Man episodes om YouTube and realizing that every so often, I can understand what’s being said without looking at the subtitles!

3. Patbingsu! We were originally going to go to some Korean restaurant in Beaver Falls but then Chooch and I had a fight (lol) and I didn’t want to be in the car with him for that long so I suggested instead that we just go to Sumi’s Cakery in Squirrel Hill and get some patbingsu so that’s what we did and it totally salvaged the day. While we were there, a small Lunar New Year parade happened so we got to watch that and it was really exciting! I love watching a lion throw lettuce!

4. The aforementioned lunch with Wendy yesterday. Not only did I have a lovely mock tuna sandwich at Umbrella Cafe, but we got to vent on each other about life and, you know, that thing running our country into the ground. She also let me talk about Korea which is basically all I want to do anymore (see also: Escapism, Alternate Reality, Diversion Tactics).

5. Designing more marquees! There are three that we’re planning on making: a cat head for Chooch’s room, my KPOP-or-GTFO lightbox, and a third one that I’m not mentioning yet in case it doesn’t work the way I want it to and then I’ll (oh girl) cry cry cry. The kpop marquee will be for the third floor neon dreamscape that Henry isn’t working fast enough to complete. It’s just that he isn’t seeing my vision yet. I’ve explained the toy dinosaur wall to him like a thousand times and each time, he acts he’s hearing it for the first time.  I also don’t think he understands my plan to turn plastic jack-o-lanterns into hanging planters. Try to keep up, Henry-oppa.  (I’ve also been calling him H-Bird lately too, because his last name is Robbins which is like robin which is a bird….He’s rejecting it though.)

I will leave you with a picture of Peen-Lop and a Bigbang video, because they’re giving me life.

When I was looking for new pictures of G-Dragon to use as my desktop background at work (lol), I noticed that in some of the photos from when he had pink hair, and something about him looked sort of familiar. And then I realized it – Chooch when he had pink hair during the summer of 2015!

CHOOCH COULD BE A KPOP IDOL. I’m going to push him toward this goal. He definitely needs more sequins and fun-fur in his wardrobe, though. So I’m also going to buy Henry a sewing machine.

I gotta get Chooch more blazers too. He’s going to hate his life so bad. I mean, love! He’s going to LOVE it.

Blazers with ruffles. 

K bye. 

Remember that time I promised Henry that if he went to see Circa Survive with me at Stage AE, we could go upstairs and sit through it because I know he’s old and feeble, and I’ve seen Circa Survive approximately 87 times since 2005? But then we got inside Stage AE and I realized that I left my ID in the car and there’s no reentry and the upstairs is 21+? And they don’t give a fuck if I have gray hair if I don’t also have a drivers license they can shine their dumb flashlight on? And then I suggested that I could just show them the green wristband from the show I went to a week earlier that said 21 AND OLDER all over it and Henry was like DON’T BE DUMB THAT WON’T WORK so then he had to stand and complain the whole time?

And also when we accidentally got there an hour before doors opened because I thought they opened at 6 since I’m used to earlier shows and then we had to stand outside for an hour in the rain but luckily we were one of the few people who got to stand under an overhang because we were literally the fifth people in line like Super Fans?

Yeah, that was last Tuesday night and Henry is still mad about it, haha.

When we were standing in line, I saw one of the guys from Primer and Grayscale! Henry was like, “Go say hi” in a tone that implied he realized it was a dumb suggestion because I don’t talk to musicians. I’m Erin R. Kelly, remember? My voice box tumbles out of my kooka before I can even say hello to someone in a band.

And then I made him buy me a Blue Moon, which he did, grudgingly, and then goaded me the whole time I was drinking it because there’s an old man in a red shirt whose only job is to walk around and spontaneously card people who are drinking and I was like, “HAHA yeah right” but then I saw him do it with my own two eyes and I started to get super nervous about it because I literally watched him nab an underage couple and escort them off into a secret room AND THEY LOOKED OLD ENOUGH TO BE DRINKING so what if he didn’t care that I’m literally a 37 year old mom?!

I kept making Henry hold my beer so then he was mad about that too.

Then we saw our photographer friend that we met at the Hotel Books show except that he’s not actually our friend, just someone I had a 10 minute awkward conversation while waiting for Diesel to open their doors and then I’ve seen him at probably 4 shows since then and we act like that never happened.

I AM GREAT AT MAKING CONNECTIONS.

I gotta be honest, I was really excited to see Circa Survive because this was their On Letting Go 10th anniversary tour, but I would have been just as happy being home, watching Bigbang videos which is how I know this obsession is real. Please send help. I actually started crying about it in the kitchen this morning. My life is confusing. Emotions are weird.

Anyway! I was also stoked to be seeing Turnover again!! And of course they were wonderful. I love my Run For Cover bands.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

You guys, they played Danny Elfman’s Pee Wee’s Big Adventure theme in between sets and it was bliss. The last show I saw at Stage AE was Thrice and the house music was SHIT. Have I told you lately how much I dislike Stage AE? I always feel so cold and unwelcome there.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

After Turnover was MewithoutYou and to be honest, I haven’t paid attention to their career in probably 10 years, but I still thought that perhaps Henry would enjoy them.

In a shocking turn of events, he did not.

Sometime during their set, two annoying broads beamed down behind me and you know how once you zero in on a sound, it’s ALL YOU CAN HEAR? Like someone crunching on a bag of chips nearby? Well, this happened to me and one of their voices. She had that god awful vocal fry, you guys. WHAT IS WITH THAT. And a nasally vocal fry at that.

“Like, On Letting Go like totally changed my life,” she fried away in a monotone to her friend, and my shoulders immediately crunched up to my ears. And then I could barely hear MewithoutYou over top of her frying pan of sizzling ear-sounds. And when she said, “Can we squeeze in here?” to the lady next to me along the railing, I looked at Henry and said, “Please, you have to switch places with me when Circa Survive comes on because she’s going to ruin the whole show for me. PLEASE.”

And when Henry wouldn’t do it, I physically moved him myself so that he was now my vocal fry barrier.

According to Henry, she didn’t talk through the whole show, but her friend who was actually the one standing next to him, had really long hair extensions that kept hitting his face and arm and making him itchy, so that’s another thing that he’s been angry about all week, lol.

Oh man, but then Circa Survive came out and as soon as that angel-faced Anthony Green started singing, the tears fell from my eyes like water balloons. I didn’t bother wiping them away because I knew there would be more, and there were: four entire songs worth of them. But then I was OK!

I love this album too, but unlike Vocal Stir Fry, it didn’t change my life.

That was their first album, Juturna. They did a 10-year anniversary tour for that too, but it didn’t come to Pittsburgh and we couldn’t feasibly travel to any of the other dates, so I’m still kind of bitter about that. That album is everything to me.

Still, it was a beautiful night and as usual, I felt blessed to be in the same room as Anthony Green. He’s a living legend to me. Such a powerful, veteran voice in my scene. I can’t believe I’ve been going to his shows for 12 years now!  This was the biggest one yet (aside from Riot Fest). Usually Circa plays at Mr. Smalls, which is much smaller than Stage AE.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

When oppa disappeared briefly, I assumed he had just slipped off into the bathroom to cry about his shitty life, but when he came back he had a tour poster in his hand. Oppa really does love me after all! (Or else he just really secretly loves Circa Survive and wanted the poster for himself—both of these options are a stretch.)

It was a good night though. Henry rarely goes to shows with me anymore, and it was nice to not be at one alone for once. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE A DATE. Except that I was mad he didn’t wear a beanie. I like when Henry-oppa wears beanies. 

Just joshing! This January has been pretty legit, and this past weekend was no pocketful of Zzzzz’s.

I like to recap even the seemingly uneventful weekends because someday maybe I’ll be in a pit of despair and could use some nice memories to scroll through. Or maybe I’m just bored on the trolley and feeling nostalgic for some random January recaps. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

Here are the highlights.

Henry made me kimbap for lunch on Saturday! I love that he acts all disgruntled whenever I go through lifestyle changes, yet he does nothing to discourage me from riding my latest obsession like a unicorn.

A Korean unicorn.

Anyway, Henry didn’t have all of the things he needed to put inside the kimbap so the things:rice ratio was pretty poor, but it still tasted like Awesome Life Choices.

Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy to be alive! Earlier tonight, I started giggling uncontrollably and Henry, totally alarmed, called out from the kitchen to see what was wrong.

But I was literally just watching Bingbang videos, you guys.

(Henry probably thought I was photoshopping weeners onto his face again.)

Family photo minus Chooch and Penelope, who we just call Penis now I guess.

Later on Saturday, I had a mini-reunion at Someone Else’s Bar with Lisa and Lawson….and it was also amazing! Granted, I had to cheat on my Korean diet in order to enjoy their company, but it was worth it. It’s hard to believe how much time has passed since we used to hang out nearly every weekend together. I suggested having a viewing party of all of the old home movies I used to make back in high school, but that suggestion was met with a resounding NO from Lawson, which only made me crack up even harder.

When I think of this get-together in the future, it will be all giggles, candy on the table, and ELEVEN DIFFERENT HANDSOAPS TO CHOOSE FROM IN THE WOMENS ROOM, WHAT.

And now I just realized that I forgot to beg Lawson to do his Chewbacca impression, which I used to do a lot in high school and he would always be like, “Ugh why” but then he would do it! Every time!

Lisa and Lawson went to the same elementary school, but I went to a different one, so while they were talking about elementary school things, I was like HELLO REMEMBER ME and maybe the next time we hang out, I’ll be able to say that in Korean. Anyway, they were talking about some dumb teacher they had and Lawson was all, “Did you know he was also the mayor of Finleyville at the same time he was our teacher?” and for some reason, this stuck in my mind as something of value to mention to Henry when I was recapping the reunion (?).

“Mr. K?” Henry asked, and I was all, “OMG DID YOU GO TO THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TOO?!” because Henry also grew up in the same town as Lisa and Lawson (I lived one town over, so I went to a different elementary school but then we all merged for middle school).

“No,” he said. “But my mom dated his brother.”

Oh my god, of course there would be a Judy connection!

Later that night, we walked to Eat n Park for dessert and Chooch squirmed the whole time because his first love Courtney was working. (She was a mentor in his class when he was in 1st grade and she was in like 7th or 8th and they like the same bands; we see her at Warped Tour every year and she was at one of the Emarosa shows we went to, which made Chooch die.) I took this picture of us right around the time he realized she was working, and then later she came over to say hi to him and then liked my picture on Instagram, lol all the way to Busan. On a train.

I would also like to point out that Chooch’s face looks like this often because he thinks everything I do is so ridiculous, and my latest craze is making him angry, I think. For Henry though, anything is better than my former, years-long Jonny Craig obsession.

G-Dragon is way better than Jonny Craig, anyway!!

(G-Dragon is my bias. It used to be Daesung, but then G-Dragon crept right in and stole my stupid American heart. Ugh, why do I have to be a dumb American.)

(Everyone at work was really excited for this update, btw. Hearing Glenn mumble to Todd, “Did you hear the news? Erin has a new bias” was pretty much the funniest thing that has happened all week, which makes it sound like I live a boring life.)

(I haven’t been this swoony over something since I was at the height of my Cure mania, you guys. This is real. Send help. Send it to Korea, which is where I’ll probably be living soon.)

Leisurely Sunday hangs.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

Sunday was all well and good until we dropped Chooch off at piano lessons and I realized that Henry had basically shut down and I got super angry, like why are you being an asshole, Henry?! So I went for a walk around Lawrenceville by myself, which is what I do when I’m pouting — I storm off and pretend like I just want to be alone, when really I’m expecting Henry to chase after me because hello, I’m a girl. I kept looking over my shoulder and didn’t see him, so then I started texting him all kinds of break-up threats, until I realized that he was trailing me, but ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET. So I hurried up and crossed over and started walking back, but he saw me seeing him so he DUCKED SOMEWHERE and then I couldn’t find him and I got mad all over again and somehow ended up in an alley and then I saw him and it was all 1970s sitcom laughter and then we continued walking together, and that’s when he told me that he was prematurely in a bad mood because I had planned on taking pictures of Chooch after his lessons and Henry knows better than anyone how stressful those photoshoots are and how they bring out the worst, vein-pulsing monster in me. So he was being mad and brooding ahead of time. What a fucking weirdo.

LOL, then it was time to take pictures of Chooch and guess who turned into the worst, vein-pulsing monster? THIS DUMB BITCH. Um, sorry guys. I’m sorry for all the times I screamed at you both for ruining my life and being worthless dicks. But um, we got some great photos, didn’t we?!

Ugh, whatever. Henry is my real life bias.

The rest of the day was wonderful and I don’t think we fought again. Because I got what I wanted, and that’s all that matters!

Once on some Friday the 13th long ago, I wore this Jason Voorhees hair fascinator thing to work and got faux-offended when Amber1 said that it was cute. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CREEPY! (It is super cute though — but still!) Anyway, it became tradition to wear it on every Friday the 13th after that, and anytime I would forget, Amber would be let down. Finally, I bought another Jason Voorhees hair clip (this one is a bloody bow) to keep in my desk for those instances when I forgot the good Jason hair clip.

Which happens a lot!

But today I remembered to wear the good one, much to Amber’s delight. This  meant I had a SPARE Jason accessory in my desk, and I somehow conned Todd into wearing it clipped to the drawstring of his hoodie.

Hours later, Amber walked by him and said, “Aw Toddles, you have a Jason bow too!” Todd was like, “The fuck are you talking about?” and then remembered it was clipped to his shirt, just high enough up that it appeared he was wearing a girlish bow tie with Jason Voorhees emblazoned in the middle.

“Aw man, I forgot that was there! No wonder everyone was looking at me weird when I went out to get soup.”

YESSSSS.

That was pretty much the highlight of the work day.

Came home to a beautiful doenjang jjigae. Henry is secretly enjoying this, I think. He bought a bamboo mat so that he can make me kimbap!

We were all laying about like Friday night sloths when Haley messaged me to see what we were up to and I was like NOTHING COME OVER and they did! So then it was Kards & Kpop night. We played Exploding Kittens and Chooch legit cried because he was the first one out and this was apparently my fault so I’ll probably wake up to cat poop on my pillow, or worse — one of those asshole YouTubers he loves, screaming into my ear.

Honestly though, when Chooch lost it was so funny that I nearly peed my pants from laughing. I’ll pay for this sooner or later. If there’s anyone more competitive than me, it’s Chooch.

LOL JUST KIDDING IT’S NO ONE. I WIN AT BEING COMPETITIVE.

Anyway, Blake is now all aboard the Kpop train. Sorry, Haley!

Something I’m currently obsessed with:

Well um, I’m currently obsessed with… MKTO I was listening to like everyone of their songs and its super good go check them out!

Something I did in school recently: 

Well… As embarrassing as it is… I have to embrace the cringe and say that we HAVE to do ballroom dancing and we have to “dance?” with every girl in the class and so do the girls (except with the boys). But thankfully we had to dance a foot away from each other. *PHEW*

Something that is currently annoying me: 

Easy… Mommy!

Something I like listening to: 

As I said for number 1, MKTO!

Something I want to do this weekend: 

Go to Japan or England

(Mom Edit: Lies. He wants to learn the choreography for his favorite Kpop song “TT.”)

Something I would do in Japan:

 Visit Tokyo duh.. Oh you mean do in Tokyo? Oh well explore the anime, Pokemon, and Cat Café, oh yah and probably for mommy, visit Owl Café! I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT!?

Something I would bring to show & tell if I was still in preschool: 

Well I know how schools don’t allow pets, except for my old school, we were allowed to bring our pets one day, but mommy wouldn’t let me bring Marcy because she would kill every kid, and teacher! So I would bring DREW! Screw school policies!

Something I would do if I were a cat: 

Annoy my owner and eat MeowMix. WHAT?!! IM INTERESTED!!

Something I’d like to say about the song “Something” by Kpop sensations Girl’s Day: 

Who’s that?

<https://youtu.be/Gdma5UiMaEQ

Something I’d eat every day if I could: 

Well… French fries maybe? Oh I know! Cat Food*.

Something I would say to our mannequin Trudy if she came to life: 

I’d say “Go back to your normal self, you hobo!”

Something something something: 

Umm what’s wrong is your head ok? You’re repeating the same word three times.

*(Should I be concerned?)

Sometimes I like to make sure I have my weekends accounted for in case I’m brought in as a murder suspect sometime down the road and they’re like WHERE WERE YOU ON SUNDAY JANUARY 8th and I can scream back AT EITHER ONE OF TWO ASIAN MARKETS, AHHHH!!

So even though the weekend wasn’t exactly chockful of raves and slaughter, here’s a run-down of my Sat&Sun minutiae, just like the LiveJournal days of “Hey guys, I woke up and had breakfast. Heh. My cat just walked into the room. Lol. Like, everything is so meh. Do you like my new Squee icon?”

Don’t pretend like you don’t remember those days!

ANYWAY. What did I do on Saturday. I woke up at some point obviously and demanded that Henry make me ramyeon for breakfast because did I tell you I’m on a Kpop diet? I LOST THREE POUNDS LAST WEEK. Sure, I’m eating a fuck-ton of noodles but all the kpopx (and also Figurerobics – a new Korean workout I’ve added to my repertoire in addition to straight up freestyling to Kpop videos because this is real life now) is burning through it and I have so much more energy now! DONT TRY TO NUTRITION ME.

MMM BREAKFAST RAMYEON.

Um, then I Kpopped a lot. I told Chooch that we’re going to have a kpop party, and somewhere from the hollows of upstairs, Henry called out, “No we’re not.”

(Sometimes he accidentally busts out with Red Velvet and EXID songs.)

And then Robbie and Nikki came over and we went to a late lunch at Zenith (without Chooch, so in case he’s the one who’s in trouble – he was at the game place in Brookline with his friend Dang and I have no idea what he was doing — I’m not taking the fall for him!). It was Robbie and Nikki’s first time at Zenith and I was so excited for Nikki to see the bathrooms. Zenith has so much going for it but that owl bathroom is definitely something you’d write home about.

Anyway, Henry thinks he’s like super cool now because this was like his fourth time at Zenith, and he was totally trying to yuk it up and flex his faux-vegan muscles to impress Robbie, who was just like, “Dad, why are you being weird?” I thing Henry name-dropped “seitan” at least 18 times while we were there.

Like, get a life, gramps.

Nikki and I both got the tofishy sandwich and as usual, I am still daydreaming about it two days later. It’s the best, just the absolute best sandwich I have ever had at a vegetarian restaurant and the vegan tartar sauce is like straight from God’s lovegutter.

Dumbass Henry planned this perfectly so that we would have to rush out in order to pick up Chooch, leaving me NO TIME to look around and buy things. I was heartbroken, and made sure to call him out for this on Instagram. Zenith commented and called him a jerk! YES! Henry just mumbled, “Thanks, Erin.” Whatever Henry. I liked Zenith first.

Later that evening, we went to Target and I tried to deter Henry from buying a shapeless, lame pair of Wranglers.

“Ok DAD!” I sneered as he sauntered off to the fitting room to try on the bland, stiff denim leg-sacks.

“Well, I am a dad,” Henry replied. “And a soon-to-be grandfather, so…”

TOUCHE MOTHERFUCKER.

Of course we left Target without the thing we went to Target for. Fucking Target.

Came home and did more Kpopx while Henry actually cleaned some of the attic for real this time! Ugh, he has so many old computers, computer parts, and milk crates of CD-ROMs just chillin’ up there, obstructing my dreams of a Neon Paradise. However, I did find the paper mache Henry head we made for our Christmas cards several years back, so voila, Trudy suddenly has a new head:

I put it on briefly and Drew was super freaked out. SORRY, DREW.

Sunday, we went to one of the Asian markets while Chooch was at piano lessons. I am so lucky to be with someone who supports my lifestyle* changes! Is he happy about it? Eh…he’s more tolerant of it than Chooch though. Chooch snapped yesterday and said, “I wish you never got into kpop again!!!” Lol.

*(I’m trying to learn Korean. So far I only know hello/goodbye and boyfriend, which is the same word for older brother? Anyway, I have been saying hello to everyone at work in Korean now and Glenn said that I just sound like I’m saying onion. TT)

As I’m typing this,  Henry is seriously ENGAGED by one of Jellybeannose’s kpop dance challenges, to the point where he just laughed and cried out, “She just kicked Ricky in the back of the leg!” LOL, he’s learning the names of the K-Con regulars. By the way, I told him he could turn this off, and that was a half hour ago!!

Anyway, we stocked up on Korean kitchen staples, like gochujang and gochugaru, and various fruits for my weekly fruit salad. I think that Henry is secretly into it because he genuinely loves to cook so now he’s being forced to, you know, cook outside the box, or whatever. Spoiler alert: he made tteokbokki for dinner last night and it was everything. Just everything. I AM NEVER HUNGRY ANYMORE.

But then after Chooch’s piano lesson, we had to go back to the other Asian market in order to get the gochugaru which we couldn’t find at the first one and were both too afraid to ask. This particular market also has a counter where you can order food so me and Chooch got three car wheel cakes (custard, taro and red bean) which were amaze. I also bought a bag of soy bean & pumpkin instant cereal to replace my Cream of Wheat, despite Henry’s wise warnings.

Tteokbokki, you’re a fucking heartthrob.

Chooch had plain ramyeon and yelled at me for being “weird.”

Yeah. I’m weird.

Um, and then I started to work on a new painting! I haven’t really been painting much lately, aside from several customs that I did for Christmas. Maybe 2017 will be more inspiring for me!

At some point on Sunday, I went for a walk around on Brookline which was a ninny move because it was approximately 10 degrees outside. When I was walking back to the house, Boots was outside on his porch, in fucking SHORTS, A T-SHIRTS, AND SOCKS. We made eye contact and he’s obviously afraid of me now so he started to turn around, but then I just started cracking up. Like, I couldn’t even help it.

So then he looked at me expectantly and I cried, “How are you standing out here in shorts!?”

He laughed nervously, clearly trying to figure out if this was a trap, and then he put a fist in the air and said, “I’m a true Steelers fan!” Like, OK buddy.

I went inside and said, “I just talked to Boots for the second time!”

“Isn’t that the third time?” Chooch asked. “Or are you not counting the time you looked at him and said ‘Ew’?” LOL I forgot about that. But my point is that my new lifestyle just has me in the best mood. I just want to be nice and say annyeong to everyone! Even the haters like Chooch and Glenn.

Maybe I’ll start to learn more of the language once I get a Korean pen pal.

And I’ll leave you with my current favorite Kpop song. I hope KpopX makes a workout for it soon!

P.S. I had one of the soy bean pumpkin packets today at work and legitimately almost threw up, much to the delight of Glenn and Todd. Later in the afternoon, I had a fleeting taste-memory of it and started dry-heaving a little as I walked down the hall to a meeting, which would have been more enjoyable had there been Kpop playing softly in the background. 

(The meeting, not my dry-heaving.)

(Ok my dry-heaving too.)

This weekend has been super chill & cat-filled. Enjoy some pictures of said cats. 

This was right after Chooch lifted the lid of a cooler filled with melted ice and Drew  dove right in with impeccable timing. That’s what you might call a RUDE AWAKENING but what do I know about diving into coolers of melted ice. 

Then Chooch left the house and Drew became SUPER CONCERNED. Somehow she knows that Chooch is her Person. He’s the only one who can hold her without her squirming and wriggling and taking strips of your skin with her. 

Ears. 

Monica replied to this picture on Twitter with a gif of Yoda and I couldn’t agree more! Except that Drew is way less wise. See above coole dive tale. 

Drew sits on that stool everyday like she owns it or something. 

Henry was supposed to be cleaning out all his garbage (read: possessions) from the attic. I had some pressing Kpop news to tell him probably so I ran upstairs but then didn’t have to go any further because I found him in Chooch’s room, playing Xbox with Penelope. 

Ugh. 

But he did eventually travel to the attic and ended up making a small dent in it. I hate when things aren’t immediately finished! But I’ll be patient and then someday by Neon Paradise will be complete. 

I know you’ve been chomping at the bit for an update on my lunatic neighbors, so here is a handy run-down of December happenings. I am literally That Nosy Housewife who stands with a glass to the wall in order to hear the conversations better.

• They have a tv now. A box tv with a bunch of VHS tapes stacked on top. I can see it clearly when I’m across the street getting out of the car and YES I’M PURPOSELY LOOKING.
• Henry said Larry stopped him on the sidewalk and very earnestly said, “Please don’t associate me with [Boots]. I’m trying to get rid of him, too.” Chooch’s Nemesis Larry….our ally?! I never would have thought….
• 12/14: Boots & Phyllis have a HUGE FIGHT at 1am which causes me to lose my shit and I start screaming too, and Henry mumbles from beneath his pillow for me to stop and not stoop to their level and I’m all “I’LL SHOW YOU STOOPING!!” as I proceed to stampede up and down the steps and then slam the front door so hard that one of my framed Warped Tour pictures falls off the wall. HEY, IT GETS THEIR ATTENTION and there’s not one more peep for the rest of the night. And I know this because I’m so fucking wired at this point that I just lay in bed and shake.
• 12/16: Friday night – another GET AWAY FROM ME fight. Phyllis is all, “I’m not leaving in the middle of the night!” And I’m all, “I wish you would, you dumb bitch!” God, SOMETIMES I THINK I’M ON BOOTS’ SIDE.
• 12/17: Saturday early evening. I’m sitting here trying to watch a vlog of my favorite American Kpop dancer (jellybeannose, le duh) in Korea for a 2013 Kpop convention, when suddenly: EXPLOSION NEXT DOOR. I grab my glass and run up to my room to get a better listen-hear.  “You make $300 a month, how are you even paying rent GEORGE? You’re GOOD FOR NOTHIN’. I’d be embarrassed if I was fucking you! Idiot! You’re a fucking IDIOT! You don’t HAVE any friends! They all talk behind your back!” I have literally never herd someone say “good for nothin'” in real life.  Then Boots left. Then he came back. Then SHE left, limping down the street with a blanket, like it was her bindle or something. Boots left a few minutes later and limped a different direction. He came back later but Phyllis never did thank god.
• 12/19: I was off work this day and suddenly, over top of my TV, I heard, “WOOO! WOOO!” Turns out, Boots was on the phone with someone, and he signed off with a slurred, “Ok I love you talk to you later” – who was he talking to?! Phyllis? His mom? His dealer? More importantly, how the fuck can I hear him ON THE PHONE OVER MY TV when he’s on an entirely different floor in his house?!
  • Later, I heard HOT NAYBOR CHRIS THE JUDAS OFFERING BOOTS ANOTHER TV?! They were outside in the driveway and I kept gasping, “Chris, no!” And Boots was all slurring around the cigarette holes in his throat, “YEAH YEAH I WANT THAT” and then Chris suggested that they go ask LARRY for his dolly and I’m thinking, “We’re trying to get this guy to leave and Chris is trying to make his house more of a home, ugh!”
  • Then after that, the Crazy lady who lives in the big white house up the street stopped on the sidewalk and was talking to Boots about the inside of the house, and then they had a weird argument over the driveway because she didn’t believe that it’s shared between the two house. I was walking home later from the bakery and saw her later pausing in front of our house, scoping out our driveway. SO MANY WEIRDOS IN BROOKLINE.
• MICHAEL: I began noticing a second derelict accompanying Boots on the porch and turns out his name is Michael and I know this because Boots got locked out for the 8973407290720850834265 time since moving in and started screaming MICHAEL MICHAEL MICHAEL I’M LOCKED OUT and then I heard Michael’s dopey clodhopper footsteps bumbling down the steps and over to the door, at which point Boots had to holler instructions on how to unlock the door so god only knows what sort of jerry-rigged security set-up he’s got going on over there.
• Without Phyllis, it’s pretty quiet for the rest of the week. Michael doesn’t do much. We did make eye contact once and it was scary though.
• 12/23: JUDY MADE CONTACT. She was here babysitting Chooch and said that Boots came a’calling during the day, asking if she found a phone in the mailbox because his friend was supposed to have had dropped off a phone to him but thought he might have put it in ours instead. WHAT THE HELL, IS IT A BURNER PHONE?! Judy started white-knighting him and I didn’t like that, not one bit. She said he was “very polite” and Chooch said, “He’s lucky YOU weren’t the one who opened the door” which made Henry laugh without mirth because everyone knows I don’t answer the door when strangers knock. Then Judy got all dreamy-eyed and said, “He looks familiar. Maybe I used to drink with him. Yeah, down at the Soithern Star.” Henry groaned, “Oh god please don’t know him.”
  • Later that night, PHYLLIS RETURNS but Boots isn’t home! I spend a good deal of time in my bedroom, plastered against the wall with my hearing-glass. Some other man is with her and I assume it was her ride there. It sounds like she is getting some of her shit together, and she’s spitting all kinds of hate-speech about Boots (or as she calls him, “George”). The guy with her says something about Boots leaving earlier with his brother, so I think Michael is his brother?!
    • Also, Phyllis keeps saying, “Come here, pretty girl!” and I’m wondering if this is some hostage Boots keeps chained up under the bed, but then I deduce it’s a pet of some sort.  A few days later, I see a white and gray cat sitting on the bedroom windowsill. That poor cat. :(
• 12/25: Christmas morning, a pick-up that looks like it drove off the set of Beverly Hillbillies drops off some real fucking vagabonds. One is a young …. woman and she’s very Hills Have Eyes. A few days later, I saw her outside in an awkward embrace with Michael. Anyway, later that night there are a ton of violent outbursts and then I realize that they’re having what I assume is some type of inbred Steelers party, I don’t know. At some point the next day, the pick-up truck limps its way back to Pioneer Ave and scoops up Hills Have Eyes.
• 12/31: THE CONFRONTATION. For as much as I sincerely hate Boots, I have to say he’s fairly harmless and quiet (well, he still gets carried away with the door-slamming here and there). But then, Phyllis comes back. So it’s New Years Eve, and again — we’re just hanging out, watching hockey (not Korean hockey, just NHL) when the volatile shouting happens. “YOU’RE A FUCKING CUNT!” Boots shouted, so then I screamed into the wall, “NO YOU’RE A FUCKING CUNT!!!” and Chooch ripped off his headphones and got an excited “Oooh Mommy’s about to put on a show!” look on his face. Meanwhile, Henry was groaning, “Erin, STOP!” and I just lost it, screaming my face off about how trashy these assholes are and how I was ready to fight them. I heard the door slam, so I ran to my front door and stood there with my arms crossed. Boots was walking up the sidewalk, and as he got in front of my house, he looked up at my porch and I held onto the eye contact as angrily as I could. He stopped and I swear he first called me a broad, and then mouthed off about me having a problem. So I stepped out onto the porch and said, “Yeah, I have a problem with you!” He incredulously repeated, “With me?!” And, here is where I wish I could rewind time and say something better, I yelled, “YEAH, YOU AND YOUR YAPPING!” So then he started WALKING DOWN MY SIDEWALK TOWARD ME and I’m thinking, “Oh fucking finally, we’re going to fight! I’m so glad  I had that glass of wine first!” But you guys, instead of being the fucking macho man he is when he’s verbally terrorizing Phyllis, he instead got SUPER POLITE and began kissing my ass. “Look, I got a big problem with this woman over there. She’s homeless and I took her in and now I just want her to leave, but she won’t. She’s causing me all kinds of problems!” I’m still being stern at this point, still have my arms crossed angrily, and it occurs to me that I’ve been subconsciously channeling my inner Aunt Sharon, who was NOTORIOUS for confronting people. But at the same time, I now feel myself getting pulled into his dramarama and I’m like, “Well, she’s certainly making you look bad*, so you should just make her leave if she doesn’t live there.” *(Like he needs help in that area.) Then he goes on to tell me about the people coming in and out, taking advantage of him and honestly I have no idea what it is he has to offer unless this really is a drug situation happening (there are two people who roll up frequently, go in his house for a minute, and then leave…like, come on). Also, I can’t believe how excruciatingly difficult it is to understand him. He literally talks like a grouping of dicks is going to cascade from him mouth at any second—what the hell does he have stuffed in there?! His voice, oh my god, you guys. Meanwhile, he was standing bow-legged and all slinky, flapping his arms and swaying back and forth, and I’m not even sure if he was actually drunk or high, or if this is just his standard stance. He is so beyond white trash. Then he went on to explain how he “remodeled” all of the properties on our block (false — he just worked for the contracting company! He made it sound like he did it all himself) and that he “pays his rent” and I’m like, “Well that’s great but you’re disruptive, and I’ve lived here a long ass time without having problems with any of my neighbors” (also false but he is legit the worst). We ended with him swearing to do better and then I just turned around and went inside while he was wishing me a happy new year. I DON’T WANT HIS GROSS WELL-WISHES!!
  • When I turned to come back inside, Chooch nearly fell out of the doorway. He was laughing so hard and Henry was just like “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?” and you know what, yeah motherfucker, I was happy. Man, it felt great to finally face-off with that dickhead, you know? And on my turf, too. I don’t ever want to knock on that door because god only knows what will open it. So I was happy that this happened outside with cars driving by.
  • “How could you even understand him!? He did so much gesturing!” Chooch cried, still doubled-over with laughter.
  • “I’m pretty sure he asked you where your dad is,” Henry said, frowning. OMG DOES HE THINK HENRY IS MY DAD?! It just gets better and better.
• There hasn’t been anything major to report since then. I haven’t heard Phyllis’s nerve-racking voice so I’m trying to just pretend that she found greener pastures and isn’t chopped up and stuffed in a suitcase somewhere.

As I type this, there’s some moderate commotion next door, but my hearing-glass has helped me determine that it’s not of the violent variety. It’s the weekend and I guess some of the friends that Boots doesn’t have according to Phyllis are visiting him from the halfway house, where they will later return and talk about him behind his back.

ALTHOUGH IF HE SLAMS THAT FUCKING DOOR ONE MORE TIME….

I wonder what Boots’ spy-log for me would look like?

• The broad is doing Korean aerobics again
• The broad is listening to Korean music again
• They’re all yelling at the cats
• The broad is yelling at the hockey game
• The broad is dragging another wheelchair into the house — WHO IN THERE IS PARALYZED?!
• The broad and the kid are beating up their dad again

But you know, the spelling would be worse than my usual abomination of the written word.