Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:19 A Staples box has never before held such amazing treasures. #
• 16:21 Wearing new Chiodos shirt that arrived today, then I was behind someone w/ 5 CHIODO on their license plate on the way to work. MEANING?? #
• 17:46 Operation:Get Tina to Quit? Now in full effect. #
• 19:35 Tina is listening to Eye of the Tiger and gnashing popcorn with her teeth, classy broad that she is. #
• 22:49 my boss just gave me permission to call off tomorrow night so i can watch the game. best job ever. minus the scissors and tina. #

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It’s a shame that women just don’t walk around like this anymore. I’d start a revolution, but all my white curtains are mildewy. Perhaps I’ll procure a new one in time for Kara’s wedding and then I’ll debut some old school breast-baring.

In work news, Tina has got to go. She is constantly running over to talk in her high-pitched whiny voice to Eleanore, and I guess it wouldn’t be so much of a problem if Eleanore didn’t sit right behind me. Even with my headphones on, I can sense Tina’s mullet clogging up my breathing space, and if I toss a glance over my shoulder, sure enough, there she is with her high-waisted jeans and protruding pelvis.

I really want to find a way to sabotage her, to make working there so painful for her that she has no choice but to quit or move back to dayshift. Short of cutting off the penises of homeless men and draping them over her work area, I’m at a loss. But can you imagine? "I haven’t seen a penis since I used to ride horses!"

My boss asked me last night how Eleanore has been with the coupon-cutting. "Not too bad," I answered. But after thinking about it for a few seconds, I added, "But it’s not like Tina gives her any time for that." Tina follows Eleanore into the bathroom, Tina goes into the kitchen while Eleanore refills her coffee, Tina trails behind Eleanore every time she goes outside for a cigarette. It’s disgusting. It’s like Tina is Eleanore’s dingleberry.

And then, because she’s Tina and special, she plugs her mp3 player into what I can only assume are portable speakers and listens to her classic rock freely and loudly at her desk. Monday night, she sauntered over to my area, headphones slung around her neck, ZZTop blaring from the tiny buds, like she wanted to impress me. I emailed fellow Tina-hater Bob about it yesterday, and he replied with "She’s got legs."

"Legs of a leper," was my reply.

Now for whatever fucked up reason I’m picturing Tina in the above picture and I pretty much want an acid eye wash right now.

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 13:02 I’m a meat cleaver believer #
• 17:36 forgot to shake Henry for change before coming to work. i’m slipping. #
• 17:56 Could be in best mood, then Chris Garneau covering Elliott Smith comes on random = heartbreak cocktail with a twisted suicide garnish. #
• 18:13 If someone should get Henry a gravy separater for his bday, would he feel inspired to make more gravy? CHOCOLATE VODKA GRAVY? I wonder. #
• 20:42 Collin said that Henry looks good for his age, but would probably look even better if he didn’t live with me. Oh, laffs. #
• 21:39 SUCK A DICK, DETROIT. #
• 23:38 For someone who doesn’t even like hockey, Tina sure has a lot to say about it.#
• 00:26 How am I supposed to sleep after this? I guess it’ll be a good time to finally open that meth lab I’ve been dreaming of. #
• 00:47 FUCKING AMEN!!!!!!!!! #

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I’d like to say he’s reflecting on life, but he’s probably just pooping or mapping out an escape route. In other dark holes of my brain, I’m planning another for-fun photo shoot so if any of you locals are interested, hit me up. I promise I won’t like, make you bleed or anything. Although, I have been kind of fixated with meat cleavers this week.

A final note: It’s an honor to know that people come to my blog by searching for "cummy-yummy " and "ass rape bitch." Clearly, a job well done on my part.

(*and by busy, I completely mean lazy.)

Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 07:14 I’m subtitling 2008 as The Year I Gave My Dentist Too Much Money. #
• 07:21 Chooch has determined his breakfast to be a red freezepop. #
• 10:56 On the way home from work last nite I had a clear vision of a jagged piece of glass slicing through half my face and one eyeball. Awesome. #
• 04:32 At one point last night, Christina noted that an entire hour passed without me mentioning murder. Gold star alert. #
• 05:07 The dinner Henry made me looks uncannily like dog food, which is apropos I guess. Tastes good though. #
• 05:56 Was standing still in front of my desk, lost balance and half-fell. Sent a fork catapulting through air. 1 witness. #
• 06:00 Me: Eleanore, remember when I totally fell? Eleanore: Uh, yeah babe. It was five minutes ago. #
• 08:36 Shit I hate Tina so bad that it makes me laugh murderously. HAHAHAHAMURDER.#
• 09:41 were my arms too short to ransom you from leper’s skin and snacks of glue? #
  

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• 10:52 Henry: what kind of woman are you? You don’t carry Kleenex or have tampons. #
• 12:47 Henry just explained to me the concept of fire and how it doesn’t get along with clothing. #
• 14:46 She makes me feel pretty. #
• 17:43 Saw a dead fish in a pond and henry gently reminded me that animals really do die. Except it wasn’t so gentle. #
• 20:15 Chooch is now the owner of a neon pink fish named Switchblade. Wagering with Henry on who kills it first: Chooch, the cats, me. #
• 21:20 Chooch’s head is big enough to use as an ottoman. #
• 23:36 I think part of my eye just peeled off. #
  

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• 10:00 I know this comes as a shock, but: 2-year-old + pet fish = what was I thinking? #

Other than that, I spent my weekend chasing my kid through a cemetery, getting all up in Henry’s hair, eating pizza, watching through my fingers as the Penguins lost, being treated to a good grilled cheese lunch by my friend Jess, wishing I was in Ohio, and getting lost in my own ‘hood.